Can't stop crying - sorry long

[ashaz]

I posted last Thursday that they were concerned with my little bean b/c it had not grown. I went back in for US today and heartrate went from 200-->30 bpm. It has actually gone back by 2 days as well from previous growth.
They said the heart is likely to stop today tomorrow.

They gave me options on the next step and we decided a D&C which we have scheduled for 8am on thursday. With a 2 year old at home I am afraid that doing this on my own (or with medication) will not be best for my family.

I am so scared, sad and angry! I can't stop crying. We are blessed to have 1 child of our own, but told about 9 months ago when we started to try again that my FSH is high, AMH low and even with IVF our chances were <20%. So here we thought we had our little miracle.

I am blessed that my regular OB will be doing the procedure but so scared! Then I have 4 female relatives coming in this weekend for a 'girls weekend'. Yeah that is what I want to do - go to the spa and help design a house. I can't bail on them but really the only thing that I want to do is hang out with my hubby and my baby girl.

I am sorry to all you ladies that have gone thru this. I hope you can give me some advise. When does the crying stop/the true pain? For those of you who have done a D&C does it happen quicker? Is it normal to feel anger for those that are pregnant even if family? ( My SIL is likely going to deliver any day now - of course I will love my niece/nephew I am angry and jealous it is so easy for her). What is the normal recovery time? Will I be able to get out of bed on Friday?

Thanks again ladies. Trying to be strong by it is so hard.

 

[Topanga053]

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I read your earlier posts and really, really hoped that your little bean would pull through.

Everyone heals different emotionally (as well as physically) from a miscarriage. My mom was told she had a 1 in 6 million chance of ever having a baby when she unexpectedly got pregnant. A week later, she miscarried. She was disappointed, but she had accepted that she and my dad would be childless, so she healed relatively quickly from the loss. (About a year later, she unexpectedly got pregnant with me!)

When I miscarried last year, I was devestated. I had a D&C when medical management didn't work. It was my first pregnancy and I so desperately wanted it. The miscarriage was difficult enough, but when we got a BFN month after month, I got incredibly depressed. I only started getting better with the help of a good therapist and some anti-depressants.

My mom and I illustrate the extremes that emotional recovery can look like. But yes, it is ENTIRELY normal to be angry/jealous of pregnant women, whether they're your best friend, sister, or a complete stranger. One of the best things that came out of therapy was me finally accepting that it is perfectly OK to be angry and hurt around pregnant women and to not be able to be around them yet. Some of my best friends were pregnant at the time and I felt awful that I didn't want to see them. Finally accepting those feelings of anger/jealousy was huge for me.

Like any grief, it can come in waves. You might go a week without crying and then break down again when you unexpectedly see a pregnant woman on the street. There is no "right" way to grieve or "normal" timeframe. For me, the most important thing was learning to accept my own method of grief (i.e. it was ok that it was taking a long time, it was ok that I couldn't handle seeing my friends, etc etc). Acceptance goes a long way in making the grief more manageable.

I wish you all the luck in the world during your D&C and for a speedy emotional recovery. Feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk or vent.

 

[Starry Night]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. It's so tough to make these decisions about d&c's or to m/c naturally. Even being blessed with a child already doesn't always take the pain away either. It's a sad, rough place to be. I hope you're able to be strong for the weekend with your friends. Maybe you can take some time afterwards to be alone with your family. Being around your friends could possibly even serve as a positive distraction for a little while. Getting away can be a big help.

 

[ashaz]

Thanks so much ladies for your comments. Getting thru my day (at work ---> blah) but still crying on and off. Trying to be strong.

Then I get the call from the surgery center telling me how to complete my pre-registration paperwork. Lovely. The last question (I kid you not) "Are you pregnant"....ummmm that was a knife to the gut....I marked yes. Oh then the next question: "Why are you having this procedure"....my response "READ THE NOTES!" Probably not a nice thing to write but after what seemed to be my 100th page of records, I was done.

Then the lady on the phone asked 'if you have a copay you will need to bring that with you'. Agh. I almost lost it. So I loose my baby AND it is going to cost me lots of $$ (? what my insurance pays). By the end I felt a little better b/c she was actually very sweet. She said she was really sorry for my loss and hopes that they can make it as comfortable for me as possible and that they were there to assist in anyway that they could. I appreciated that and she sounded very sincere. Could feel her hug through the phone.

I have a feeling this website is going to be my saving grace over the next couple days! I thank you ladies in advance.