Can't talk about Pregnancy with Best Friend..

[Zeri]

I don't know if I should be bothered by this...but I have a best friend who I'm pretty close to (talk almost every day about almost everything etc- been close for a while). Unfortunately, she suffers from endometriosis and has very irregular periods, and so has pretty much given up that she will every be able to have children. She's also single and has been 'looking for love' for a while, although she's not really obsessed about it really - seems to be enjoying her life regardless. I asked her about a year ago whether not being able to have children bothered her, and she said she was okay with it, and was fine being an aunty to her godchildren, nieces etc. Because of her struggles I never really talked to her about ttc for the 2 years that I tried to conceive #2. One time, though I was really frustrated and confided in her about the struggle that ttc was, esp. lack of intimacy/BD with my and DH etc. She basically shrugged off my feelings and said I said I was worrying too much and that it was my fault because I needed to 'spice it up' in the bedroom etc. She acted like she was rushing off the conversation too. Anyway, after that response (which I was offended by), I didn't bring up the subject again. I figured with her struggles it wasn't the best idea for me to talking to her about ttc, anyway.

Fast forward to me being preggo. We're still best friends and all, and she is a great aunty/godmother to my DD - but I've noticed that she never ever brings up my pregnancy, or asks me how I'm doing, how the pregnancy is going etc. She basically acts like I'm not pregnant at all. I don't really bring it up with her because I don't want it to seem like I'm pushing it in her face...but I do share major updates like the spotting I had in 1st tri, major ultrasound appts, etc. Other than that though, she never asks me any questions or talks about it in anyway. I don't want to be gushed over or anything, it just feels weird that something important to me is not really acknowledged at all - especially as we do talk about everything else, including a lot about her stresses at work, health issues etc. I feel like I always ask her how she's doing etc, but that she never asks me how I'm doing and what's up with me. I have another good friend who has a child who I talk to sometimes -but I don't see her that often, so basically I don't really have many friends to talk to except my best friend.

It's started to bother me a bit because it makes me feel like our relationship is getting one-sided. But at the same time I figure her not talking about means that she's not actually 'ok' with the idea of not having children, and so she 'copes'' with my pregnancy by ignoring it.

Does that make sense? Would you be bothered by this? Anybody ever been in a similar situation?

 

[Spiffynoodles]

I notice that I've definitely grown more distant from friends with no kids. It's not that I don't still care, but we just started having less and less in common. As a mom, especially a SAHM, my kids are my life, and naturally I want to talk about them, born or unborn, and it can be really awkward after awhile when the person your talking to has no kids. I think you're right, that she definitely is NOT okay with never having kids, and that's why she acts this way, but unfortunately, I don't think that will ever go away as long as she doesn't have kids, because that little bit of resentment and jealousy will always be there.

On the upside, if she does ever have a baby, I bet you'll be the first one she comes rushing to with excitement.

 

[Zeri]

Thanks very much for your reply. I appreciate the input.. She just texted me so say she hasn't seem me for a while (I've been a bit distant this week) so I've been wondering how to respond -whether to tell her how I've been feeling or just let it slide.

I agree that it's easy to become distant from single friends. On Friday she wanted to hang out but I couldn't, because of 'mommy duties'. And the other friend she wanted to hang with also had to go home to be with her SO. I think it's hard on both sets of friends -single friends may start to feel isolated/abandoned, and then the mommy friends may feel like they don't have anything in common with the single friends, too. Fortunately, we're still pretty close and still do a lot of things together.

Been thinking maybe I should just be sensitive to her and let this whole thing slide.. IT can't be easy to be in her shoes...

 

[LoveCakes]

Tbh when we were struggling I coped by spending less time with friends with kids and taking them off my updates on Facebook. I'm not saying it's healthy but it was the only way I could still have them in my life.

I think she is finding it hard, it's unfair on you but I'd say she isn't trying to hurt your feelings. If she's ok with your LO things may get better when your next one is born.

 

[Mrs Dragonfly]

Tbh when we were struggling I coped by spending less time with friends with kids and taking them off my updates on Facebook. I'm not saying it's healthy but it was the only way I could still have them in my life.

I think she is finding it hard, it's unfair on you but I'd say she isn't trying to hurt your feelings. If she's ok with your LO things may get better when your next one is born.

You summed up what I was thinking. I avoided facebook all together because seeing pictures of everyone's kids and pregnancies stung a lot. I don't think she's acting this way to be spiteful, more in a way that she's trying to cope with how she feels.

 

[Meljenn]

You will have your best friend back after the baby is born..... At least that is what my mom keeps telling me about my brother and his wife.

 

[jadza]

I have thoughts from the other side. I never thought I could have children. I told people that I didn't care. But of course I cared, its in our very nature to want children. Lots of my friends got pregnant in this time I thought I couldn't have children. Strangely enough some people being pregnant made me more upset than others. I think people maybe I figured didn't deserve children as much as I did etc. It was a very bitter way of thinking. I eventually kinda grew out of it. I think it would have helped if someone pulled me aside and said something like 'are you ok with me being pregnant? because i would really love to be able to talk to you about things and go shopping for things and stuff with you' Maybe then I would have felt more included and less like I didn't fit it and never would. Alas now I am pregnant! And I also have a very close friend who has 0% chance of ever having children.. it would actually kill her. So I've tried to include her a lot, take things slowly, and have her researching names and meanings for me (even though I have names already picked out). Hope this helps!

 

[jhughes0709]

I actually have a friend who is in a similar situation. She has endo and has went thru IUI and is now going through the adoption thing. I talk to her regularly and she has always made a point to ask how I am feeling and how everything is going. But I try not to gush about everything like I would with some of my other friends. Because I know it hurts her...I am sure your friend secretly hurts that she will most likely never experience pregnancy. If it bothers you that you can't talk to her about...you could talk to her about it.

 

[MissyLissy]

When I was struggling to conceive, I completely distanced myself from pregnant people- that included friends. Facebook stung with all the preg updates and kiddo pictures. It can be a very dark place. I bet for your friend it's even harder because she's still searching for love and alone. That's rough. I at least had my DH to hold on to and support me the whole way through. You probably have everything she secretly wants- a family. She sounds amazingly strong and like a wonderful friend that she is still trying so hard to be close with you. I'd say let her take the lead on this one. Talk about your pregnancy/babies if she brings it up or starts to get more comfortable, but don't be offended if that takes a bit of time. I'm sure you have other people in your life that you can gush about your pregnancy to.

 

[staceymxxx]

I was one of the last people to know my friend was pregnant, she was scared to tell me as i'd lost 2 babies previously, i was so upset she felt she couldn't speak to me.. in the end i turned out to be there for her 24/7, now i'm pregnant my 2 closest friends aren't that bothered.. although the friend i'm talking about has twin boys so is very busy a text once in a while would be nice. my other friend expects me to go to her house constantly even though i have spd and she said when baby is here i will have to take him to show her!

Your friend is dealing with it in her own way, i always put on front when i had lost babies saying i didn't want children but it hurt so much inside x

 

[Rickles]

I'm 35 (gulp) this year and I have 3/4 single friends who are acutely aware of the "clock ticking"... they don't dwell on it, what good would it do? But I know 2 of them are desperate to settle down and make babies.

**should point out the other 2 are very happy and definitely don't want kids - which is a positive choice too!!!**

They are nice about my pregnancy but I can tell they don't really want to hear about it. Still they buy DD great birthday and Christmas gifts, always ask about her and I make a point of seeing them on my own too so I guess there is a middle ground we are on...

I know it will all be forgotten if they get pregnant, but if they don't, I don't want to ostracise them for something they have no control over. Sure they don't "understand" my life as a mother - but we were friends for a long time before I became one and have lots of other things to talk about!

You friend is more than likely hurting - and I totally see your point of view, it must hurt, but as a sensitive pregnant woman I think you might be taking it too personally. She cares about you - she just wants what you are getting xx

 

[Selaphyna]

I know this isn't exactly the same, but I don't talk to one of my best friends as much as I used to, because our lives are completely different. I was the first of my friends to have a child, at the age of 19. I was with my ex until my son was 1, and then pretty much single until I was 25 when I started dating OH. My best friend married her OH when we were 24, and had her first when she was 26. She's now 31 weeks with her second. Well we also have another friend who married her HS sweetheart and has two kids by him. I talk to them both on facebook and try to hang out when I go home to visit, but we all couldn't relate. I was still considered single in their eyes (meaning I wasn't married yet), and I'm hoping now that I am pregnant with my second and pretty much married to my OH (though not legally) I can relate to them both a bit better, and actually get my friends back. I'm over the moon happy for both of them, but it was hard to be around them. And I think that's probably how your friend feels. She probably isn't okay with not being able to have children, but she still cares/loves you and will probably come around once your LO is born.

 

[Zeri]

Thanks for the perspective and for sharing your experiences. It's really helped me look at things in a different way. I agree that she will likely 'come around' once the baby is born. She never talked much about my 1st pregnancy either, but she's been a wonderful godmother to my DD, and is always so happy to babysit her, always asking about her etc. I agree that she's strong too... I don't know how I would cope if I couldn't have children.... For her, it's not only me who's preggo but our other good friend who lives in another country (me and this friend are both 5-6 months preggo and have a child already). That friend will be coming home this weekend and so my friend will be surrounded by baby, child talk etc. Most of her other friends also have children or are in relationships too, so I think sometimes she must feel a little bit left behind. She is the type of person who would be a great mother and partner, too.

Think I'll definitely take this one 'for the team' and just continue to be a good friend. Will chat on BB or with my other good friend when I need to talk pregnancy stuff.