Completley devastated

[Carolyn]

i'm sitting here sobbing. this is the sixth time i've cried today. after all the crap me and abs have had to put up with since her entry to this world, when we're just starting to 'crack' things and lead a merry life i have to go back to work. if i dont both of our houses will prpobably be repossessed. our outgoings, due to the extension building, is massive. i'm hugely, hugely dreading going back, i don;t have the easiest job. i tried to make it better and make it more bearable by negotiating a four day week. been around nurseries and child minders today and i've looked like a wreck. i just can't stomach the fact of leaving her. the lady at one of the nurseries asked if i wanted 'leave her there' and pointed to the doorway! while we looked around, i said No far too loudly and grabbed the carseat like she was trying to mug me. i'm not sure whether the way i feel is in some way 'normal' but i can't even talk to the headteacher about my 'reintegration' into school without crying. i just don't know how i'm going to do it. i keep thinking on the day, i'll just keep driving past the chid minders and keep driving unitl i'm really, really far away. and not come back. i wonder whether this is still too soon. i think it is. but if i don;t go back i loose/ we loose everything. i mention this to my my oh now. his response to my 'concerns' when i voice them, through a choked voice is, ' i don;'t get to see her all day either.' it's SO not THAT. does any one else understand, or think that this is 'normal' or is it a manifestation on the pND that i've been pretending that i don't have? (I have not been diagnosed with this please note. i dont talk to anyone and hide things) i'm not sleeping because of this. when i've broached this with HV and people i trust they all sem to think it's because i'm work shy...i could thump them. HELP please, all advice would be welcome as i haven;t had much in 'real' life. (she'll be four months old when i have to go back by the way)

 

[sam's mum]

I think it's completely normal! I know I would be exactly the same, and not because I'm work shy (what a ridiculous thing to say to you btw). Leaving your child with someone else - especially with someone you don't know - is a HUGE thing to have to do and I'm not sure why people can't understand that. It's like being asked to leave part of yourself behind when you go out for the day! But having said that, kids adjust to different situations very well, and by the time she's been there for an hour on the first day she'll probably be her usual happy self and you'll have nothing to worry about - I think it's actually harder for us than it is for them. Is there someone you trust who you could leave her with one day a week or something until you have to go back, just so that you're not having to deal with being apart from her for a day for the first time when you go back to work?

I hope it all goes ok for you ...and would you think about having a chat with your hv or doctor if you think you might have pnd? x

 

[Christine33]

you have had a tough time of it Carolyn. i am so sorry

i have nothing to add to what sam's mum has said - just want you to know i am thinking of you.



Christine
XXXX

 

[clairebear]

sams mum covered it. x x

but x x

 

[Carolyn]

i suppose all of this is 'normal'. i do think she'll be ok with the child minder i've chosen for her. since speaking to my mum, who has said she'll pick her up from the child minders and have her in the afternoons, i fel slightly better. i just have realy irrational thoughts about what might happen to her when i'm not there. and then i look into her big blue eyes and she trusts me sooooo much i feel like the worst mum in the world for not being more financially stable, so that i could have her first year at home with her. ( i can't even see the keys through my tears) the four day week is better than the five days and i get great holidays sooooo i'm trying to be positive but it's eating my brain away. thanks for all of your replies. (my drs and HV are questionably qualified in my opinion, as you will probably know from other threads i have posted)EDIT not questionably qualified, obviously there are qualified...i mean they lack emotion, they don't care about babies and their mums, it's just a job to them.)

 

[Vickie]

 

[leeanne]

 

[Christine33]

i suppose all of this is 'normal'. i do think she'll be ok with the child minder i've chosen for her. since speaking to my mum, who has said she'll pick her up from the child minders and have her in the afternoons, i fel slightly better. i just have realy irrational thoughts about what might happen to her when i'm not there. and then i look into her big blue eyes and she trusts me sooooo much i feel like the worst mum in the world for not being more financially stable, so that i could have her first year at home with her. ( i can't even see the keys through my tears) the four day week is better than the five days and i get great holidays sooooo i'm trying to be positive but it's eating my brain away. thanks for all of your replies. (my drs and HV are questionably qualified in my opinion, as you will probably know from other threads i have posted)EDIT not questionably qualified, obviously there are qualified...i mean they lack emotion, they don't care about babies and their mums, it's just a job to them.)[/QUOTE]

totally agree with this!!! 2 hours after having Ali he was taken from me to the neonatal unit and i started crying......a midwife said to me 'you are making a fuss over nothing' for goodness sake, i had seen my 2 hour old baby attached to a drip and he was teeny. - the next morning i had to walk down to the NNU, i wasn't entitled to porter to take me there (it was a fair distance from the ward i was on) - i was bleeding heavily and had hardly slept...i had lost a fair amount of blood during the birth too. i found the staff uncaring and unprofessional. i am still upset over the whole experience but more angry now i would say.

i hope everything works out for you hun.

Christine
XXXX

 

[Heavenx]

I don't know what you've already been through with your daughter but I can (kind of) understand your feelings about not wanting to leave her. (I say kind of because I've still got a number of months before I return to work yet) but I'm guessing I'll be a wreck when the time comes for me to go back.
I sympathise that your husband works and feels that he misses out on being with your daughter (I get this from my hubby too, he feels left out and misses her and gets upset when I know how to deal with Sophia because I've learned what she wants by being with her all day etc) but I think it's different for a mother to be away from her child, we have a different bond, when my hubby and I went away for a night and left Sophia with her grandparents, it tore me apart, I know my hubby missed her too but he felt I was overreacting.
I think it was rude and unprofessional for your HV to suggest that you are work shy, how dare she/he say that!! It's between you and your husband whether you decided to work or not, unfortunately as you say, your circumstances mean that you have to go back to work. Don't beat yourself up about not already having enough money to stay home with her, I'm guessing there are loads of Mums having to go to work and hating it, preferring to stay home with their children if only they could, I know I'm only planing on returning to work because I have to for financial reasons. Having said that I do sometimes get angry with myself, feeling like I've let Sophia down by not having put enough £ away to be able to stay home with her and raise her for as long as I'd like.
I think the way you're feeling is natural and you should express it, you need the support to assure you that your daughter will be OK when you're back at work. Esp if you have got pnd, it would do you much better to have more understanding given to you.

 

[sam's mum]

i suppose all of this is 'normal'. i do think she'll be ok with the child minder i've chosen for her. since speaking to my mum, who has said she'll pick her up from the child minders and have her in the afternoons, i fel slightly better. i just have realy irrational thoughts about what might happen to her when i'm not there. and then i look into her big blue eyes and she trusts me sooooo much i feel like the worst mum in the world for not being more financially stable, so that i could have her first year at home with her. ( i can't even see the keys through my tears) the four day week is better than the five days and i get great holidays sooooo i'm trying to be positive but it's eating my brain away. thanks for all of your replies. (my drs and HV are questionably qualified in my opinion, as you will probably know from other threads i have posted)EDIT not questionably qualified, obviously there are qualified...i mean they lack emotion, they don't care about babies and their mums, it's just a job to them.)[/

totally agree with this!!! 2 hours after having Ali he was taken from me to the neonatal unit and i started crying......a midwife said to me 'you are making a fuss over nothing' for goodness sake, i had seen my 2 hour old baby attached to a drip and he was teeny. - the next morning i had to walk down to the NNU, i wasn't entitled to porter to take me there (it was a fair distance from the ward i was on) - i was bleeding heavily and had hardly slept...i had lost a fair amount of blood during the birth too. i found the staff uncaring and unprofessional. i am still upset over the whole experience but more angry now i would say.

i hope everything works out for you hun.

Christine
XXXX

I totally agree with that too. And Chrstine - I can't believe they would say that to you...completely unprofessional, especially as they should be expecting you to feel the way you were

Carolyn - I'm glad your mum is going to have her in the afternoons and that you'll have good holidays to spend with her. You having to work and not being at home with her does not make you a bad mum in any way! As awful as it seems for us, it actually does them a lot of good to spend time with and get used to other people - just think how much easier it'll be for her when she starts school if she's already spent a bit of time with a childminder or in a nursery with other kids. When I was born my parents had just moved to England from Scotland, my mum knew nobody and didn't go back to work until my sister and I were at school - as much as I loved being at home with her I remember crying and not wanting her to leave in the mornings when she took me to school because I really wasn't used to it.

I'm waffling, sorry

x

 

[bisbis]

Its totally normal that you're upset about leaving you Lo, i took one look at nurserys on the internet and burst out crying. Its great that yor mum will help in the afternoons.

 

[Carolyn]

thank you for helping me, isn't it weird that people on the internet, that you've never met, offer more help, words of encouragement etc than your 'nearest and dearest'. sad for me i suppose. i dont think i articultate myself very well, so i probably come across differently to how i think i'm sounding. i don't think i actually SAY how i'm feeling either, mind you, most of the time i don;t get the chance. thanks anyway, it was good to voice how i am feeling.