Concerned for friend -please advise

[Tulip465]

Hi all,
I am writing out of concern for a friend, who despite being told she would have fertility problems (due to PCOS) accidently conceived, only for the pregnancy to end in a MC last month. My friend has always wanted children, so when she became pregnant was overjoyed, the MC was devastating for her. And getting over it has been even worse as she has found out her sister who is quite close in age is expecting her second child.

Anyway, my friend is trying to look on the bright side. Her doctor has advised that since she became pregnant once, she can do it again. Which is great news. However, I am worried that she is now putting a lot of pressure on herself to conceive again - and quickly. Her partner wants to wait for two or three months, for financial reasons, which she has agreed to. But she is saying things like "I want to be pregnant by Christmas". And she has already stocked up on ovulation indicators and pregnancy tests for when they start trying again.

I know miscarraiges, especially on the first pregnancy are very common, and that she has every chance of having a healthy pregnancy this time. But I do think, despite the doctors advice, the PCOS may still complicate things. Also, and i hate to say this, but she didn't have any tests done following the miscarraige so she doesn't know for sure that there won't be complications with the next pregnancy. Basically, she thinks it will be easy and I'm worried that she needs to prepare herself emotionally that it may not be as easy as she is expecting it to be.

I know I may be worrying unnecessarily, but I just don't want to see her set herself up for a fall. Also, it's not just me that's worried about her, but her mother and our mutual friend too. I have tried to suggest that maybe she shouldn't put so much pressure on herself (by doing all these extra tests and giving herself the deadline of Christmas), but she didn't seem to take any notice as her attitude hasn't changed.


I have never been through a pregnancy or a MC myself, so I would greatly appreciate the advice of those of you who have in how to support my friend at this time.

Many, many thanks in advance.
T x

 

[Vickieh1981]

TBH I think your friend sounds totally normal. After I lost Isabella I went mental, got millions of pg and ovulation sticks. Needed to be pregnant again as soon as possible.

I don't think it's a good thing to take away her positive attitude to be honest as she may need that to get her through.

 

[vickyd]

I agree with Vickie 100%. Trying again as soon as possible is maybe the best way to get over a loss and to fight the feelings of sadness and failure.

 

[Tulip465]

I think maybe I've communicated my concerns badly. It's not that I don't think she should try again or that I want dampen her positivity. I really admire how she is coping with it.

It's her all-or-nothing attitude that worries me. I'm concerned about how she might cope if she doesn't have a realistic perspective ALL the possibilities that she might encounter. And also that the pressure she is putting herself under to conceive ASAP might actually work against her in terms of stress.

Thanks for your honest perspectives guys. It really helps to hear it from your point of view.

T x

 

[vickyd]

Stress wont affect her chances of getting pregnant, so dont worry about that. I have had two losses one of which was at 23 weeks and the thought of being pregnant again is the only thing that gives me confort and optimism. I know that i might have a third loss, and it scares me to death. But as you wait the fear only gets stronger hun.
Its admirable that you care enough about your friend that you joined this forum...I wish i had friends like you!

 

[Tulip465]

Thank you vickyd. You are so brave and positive, exactly like my friend.

Your reply has made me think that, even though she's not outwardly talking about any fears, she's probably feeling them inside and maybe she is making herself strong in a private way. Since the MC she's been like a different person, quite uptight and more guarded, so it's hard to tell what she's thinking.

I just want to protect her from ever having to hurt like that again. But I know I can't. You and Vickieh1981 are right, I need to support how she's choosing to cope with it. Thanks so much for helping me to realise that and to see things from her point of view.

T x

 

[LucyJ]

Hey Tulip you sound like an amazing friend I agree with the girls and all I would say is just be there for her (which it sounds like you are) let her know that she can talk to you when she needs to.

I suffered a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks this was my first pregnancy and I'm afriad it does change you sometimes without you realising I am far more insecure since I lost my baby only really realised this the other day when I freaked out because my hubby didnt answer his phone was convinced something had happened to him nothing had he was just driving home so couldn't answer his phone.

I'm trying to conceive again and like your friend put little goals down I would like to be pregnant before my birthday I know this may be unrealistic but it allows my to be hopefully again which takes some of the fear away. I hope she does get pregnant again and has a successful pregnancy. She's lucky to have you, having support around you after suffering a mc makes a huge difference.

 

[heart tree]

Tulip, you are an amazing friend. Is it possible to tell your friend about this forum in case she wants to share her feelings? We are all here to support one another. I agree with and echo what all the other ladies have said. Her loss was so recent and gearing up to be pregnant again is a way to find some control in an uncontrollable situation. One of the things that was really hard for me was to deal with my identity. When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was in disbelief. I didn't feel pregnant and it took some time to identify with being a pregnant woman. I really started to get into the groove of identifying with being pregnant and then in one day, that identity was stripped from me. It was hard to get my brain on board with this identity shift. All I wanted to do was to claim that identity again. It was the only thing that got me through my darkest days. It gave me hope that I would be that woman again. It helped me heal and move forward. I did get pregnant again and suffered a 2nd loss. And again, I find myself yearning for that identity.

I found it very difficult to talk about my fears and grief with friends who hadn't experienced a mc before. I love my friends, but they would either say the wrong thing or just not understand. This might be one reason she isn't opening up. This can be a very private kind of grief and loss as it is one that isn't readily talked about in society. That's why a forum like this is really great. It gives us all an outlet to talk about every emotion related to this kind of loss.

It is important for her to express her grief in some way. If she isn't expressing it with someone, or through a journal, art, etc. then I would be worried about her. You might not be privy to her expression of grief. Her behavior of stocking up on OPKs and HPKs and talking about being pregnant again is totally normal and expected. I wish her the best.

 

[Megg33k]

I agree with all these wonderful ladies! Little goals are sometimes the only way to get through it. I assure you, if she isn't pregnant by Christmas... She'll be sad, but she'll set a new goal. My 1st loss was in Dec... I was 10 weeks when we found out that there had been no new growth since 5 weeks... I would be due this Sunday with that baby. I said right then that I WOULD have a baby in my arms by Christmas 2010. And, I was going to! I had a new due date of November 27!!! But, in May at 11 weeks, I found out that (against a lot of odds) the very same thing had happened to me again. My chance of a Christmas baby was well and truly laid to rest. I was SO sad. I cried, and cried, and cried!

But, here I am... thinking "Hmm... It would be a lovely anniversary present if I had a baby in May or June!" My 5th anniversary will be June 10, 2011. And, if that hope is shattered... Then, there's always another Christmas coming up, isn't there?

You'll be amazed by how strong she really is. You might not be able to see it... But, she'll be okay! And, you are an AMAZING friend for caring so much. She's very lucky to have you! Just let her hold on to whatever hope she has (even if it seems unrealistic)... because some days its almost impossible to find that hope... and I would never, ever want any of it to be lost in the name of "being realistic." Its far too precious and rare!

Just stand beside her and support her when she needs it! Get excited with her when she's excited. Cry with her when she cries. And, when she loses hold of that hope... You pick it up and give it back to her! Its the ONLY way to get through this!

 

[Tulip465]

My goodness guys,
I knew I didn’t understand what she was going through, but I didn’t realise the extent to which I didn’t understand. I guess I was so afraid of her being disappointed again that I didn’t realise how important her hope for the new pregnancy is in coming to terms with her loss.

LucyJ and Megg33k, it’s a relief to know that her goal-setting and stocking up on test kits is quite normal, and also to know that if things don’t go exactly to her plan she will be strong enough to pick herself up like you all have and set a new goal.

Heart tree, I think you are right, she may not be sharing all of her thoughts and emotions with me or our other close friend because, as much as we listen and try to relate, we can’t fully understand. I will recommend this forum to her, I think it could really help her to discuss it with people who can truly relate.

It’s hard as a friend, not knowing what advice to give or how best to help, it’s so easy to lose sight of the fact that simply being there for her is probably enough. I see now that this post was probably more about me and my fears of her being disappointed again, than anything she was doing. But I’m going to put that aside now because hearing your experiences, and realising that like you all she’s doing just fine, has made me more hopeful for her too.

Thank you all for sharing your positivity, it’s lightened my heavy heart. From the kindness you have all shown here I know you will be great mothers when it happens for you.

T x

 

[Megg33k]

I'm glad you feel better about it now. You did find an excellent place to ask the advice. I don't think I could get through some days without the amazing women I've found here! They're as true of friends as many of the people I know in 'real life.' Definitely send her our way! I'd be more than happy to welcome her into our little family! Just like any family... We're a little crazy sometimes, but very supportive!

I mean this in the nicest possible of ways... But I truly hope you never understand what she's going through. I don't know your story... but you seem like a great friend and a very good person. I really hope, once you're through with this thread, that you never have cause to be back in a pregnancy loss forum again.

 

[WannaB]

I just thought I would touch on one thing you said, that you were worried about her all or nothing attitude, that way of thinking has kept me sane, its really the only way you can think! Ive had 4 mcs over 8 months and my all or nothing attitude has kept me from giving up! Just be there to listen when she goes a bit screwy and understand how totally soul ripping it can be and you will be the best friend in the world. She seems prefectly normal to me! You are already heads an shoulders above the rest for taking the time to find out by posting here!

 

[heart tree]

WannaB, that is good advice for me to read too. I'm sometimes terrified of another loss, but have the all or nothing attitude. You inspire me that you have a bean in the belly after 4 losses. Persistence is key. This one is yours to keep babe!

 

[hb1]

Everything they said really - all she is going through is totally natural. I have PCOS and mc in December - I had a goal of July 2010 as that was my EDD - I made it!! did go in to project overdrive with every ttc trick of the trade going!!

Unfortunately, even with PCOS they don't offer any extra testing - I demanded to be passed to a consultant and was but at the same time didn't get all the testing that put me at ease it wouldn't happen again. With PCOS all you can do is try and get your body in to a good balance as much as possible - I feel that this has helped in my pg - and ( touch wood ) I am further along than my first pg got - so feeling more positive as each week passes. There are never any guarentees unfortunately and once your eyes are opened to mc there's no closing them.

She will celebrate the birth of a healthy baby and you will be there to cheer her on as a fabulous friend

hx