confused/feeling down/leo dicaprio

[clara123]

I am feeling a bit depressed at the mo as I'm just very confused.

i've been waiting to try for about 4 years now and had said i would start trying this august/september. i have been soooo broody for the whole time and really looked forward to trying for another. i have a 9 year old and a 4 year old so it was all about timing for school/nursery fees etc.

anyhow, the time has come and i'm now very confused. i'd always said i'd wanted 3 children. i had my first when i was 20 so was very young but never felt i'd missed out on anything. i'm married, got a nice house, lovely husband, we have nights out and big holidays, etc.

but now i'm questioning my life. i've recently turned 30 and i know it sounds stupid but i've watched a few leo dicaprio films recently which has made me question things. i've seen him in a whole new light- he's beautiful!! so i googled him and realised he's not married, etc. his lifestyle sounds great, going to ibiza, living in malibu etc. and i don't know why but that triggered me to start thinking i've done nothing in my life. i had dreams of being an actress when i was young but now i'm in a job that i'd never planned on doing (it's not a bad job) and have lived in the same city my whole life. i want to try something new, to live abroad or something but my husband is not interested. i feel i've made no contribution to society or done anything amazing in my life (apart from having my kids) and i want to do something.

i love my kids to bits and don't regret for one minute having them but i'm not sure i want another one now. i don't want when i'm older to look back and wish i had had another one.

long story i know and a bit random but i'm just so confused and keep crying. my youngest has physical problems so i'm worried if i have another one that they will also have physical problems and will i cope with that? he's also very angry and can be very hurtful at times, he's very difficult to cope with. he makes me very sad sometimes, saying he doesn't want me anymore and to go away. i think about the extra money i'll have and freedom when he starts school which i won't have if i have another one.

i'm really confused and not sure what i want. feels like an early midlife crisis. has anyone else felt this way when it came to start trying?

 

[spicyorange]

Wow does sounds a little mid life crisis-y however when I have that train of thought I think of the reality - do you ACTUALLY want those things or do you just like the dream? Why have you never done those things? Probably because you never wanted to that much, remember that celeb life isn't all it seems, Leo DiCaprio has been in rehab a number of times.
Whether you have another child is up to you but will you actually DO any of those things your dreaming of. Put simply there are two choices; follow your dreams - if that's what they really are OR realise why you never did (probably because you actually like your life really).
If you want to make a difference try volunteering you can do that with any number of kids. It's normal to reflect and think...have I wasted life but you can only change the future not the past so decide if you like the direction and if not do something but remember most people's life is not extraordinary, as long as it's happy then that is what is important

 

[Symphony7]

That was beautifully said...life doesn't have to to be extraordinary, just happy. I think people are always searching for something better and are afraid of the mundane that is life.

I will give you some advice. My father thought he was wildly unhappy after 28 years of marriage. Wanted to travel. Wanted a different life. Kind of the same mentality you are having. He left my mom and three years later he is expecting a child at 57 with a 51 year old woman. He is devastated that his life has turned upside down like it has. And he realizes that it wasn't about being "happy" but about learning to find the joy and contentment with the life you have made. In trying to go off to find a better life, he has made it monstrously worse.

Not saying that's the same for you or that you mean to leave...just to give some perspective that I have gained. Sometimes we try to make life better by making it different and it turns out to make it much much worse.

My advice, travel! Do it now, take a day trip to start. If your husband refuses then go alone with your kids. Branch out from there. Talk to your husband about how important it would be to begin traveling as a family. Start taking up some hobbies. Want to act? Go try out for a play locally. I think most people find that they don't need to go as big as their dreams to find joy in them. I for one had dreams of riding horses to the highest level. Now I am content to have them and ride locally. Not many of us will get to the top, but we can all enjoy having these things in our lives on the side.

Good luck, I hope you come to some sort of understanding about what you want soon. I know how hard it is to be unsettled.