Considering at-home insemination with donor sperm...?

[snagglepat]

It is frustrating, but do stick with it. It was our 18th cycle before we successfully got pregnant the first time (we tried 12 with DP then succeeded on the 6th with me). Then this time it happened the first cycle we tried after I started ovulating again. Some babies are clearly a bit more chilled about when they come to join our families!

You might want to look into the legal implications of trying NI. Over here if we conceive using AI then the same-sex partner can go straight onto the birth certificate as the second parent at birth. If you use NI then you can't do that and have to go through step-parent adoption. (We had to do that with our first as the new law wasn't in place yet and it took over a year of assessments with social services and child protection before it went through - and ours was a supposedly simple case!) It also means that the donor is legally the father of you use NI, regardless of whether he goes on the birth certificate or not and whatever agreements you might have come to beforehand. There's a very big difference! Our donor tried NI with one of the first women he donated to and the relationship got very complicated. He's now a father to that child, not just a donor. As a result he will only ever donate using AI to anyone else - he's learned how blurred the boundaries can get!

I've read that statistically there is no difference in success rates as long as the sperm is used within 20-30 mins of ejaculation. I'd have to look out where I read that to check the source but I know I've heard it more than once. I know lots of people who have used AI and got pregnant on the first attempt, and others who have had to try for months or even years to get there. Just like with the numerous heterosexual partnerships I know who have conceived - some get pregnant in minutes, others go through years of heartache first.

At the end of the day we've all got to choose our own path in this but I know I would never go the NI route. I'm bisexual anyway so it's not a sex issue, but it would seriously blur that donor/recipient boundary, feel all wrong within my monogamous partnership - even if my partner was on board with the idea - and wouldn't even give any specific benefit. Definitely not for me!

Interesting topic though Ruby.

Gina. x

 

[mechanica]

snagglepat - I am in the UK. Does that mean that using AI the donor has no parental rights or am i missing the point? Surely if we did a DNA test and the baby was his he would have parental rights? I obviously don't want this, but i figured it didn't matter which route you went down and that really, the whole thing is based on a whole lot of trust (that i won't sting him for child support and he won't want access). I'm a singleton, so the father bit will just stay blank for us.

I have heard that you have the same chances with AI and NI. I guess its a common misconception that NI is more successful. With NI, the sperm shoots out, so i always thought it had more chance of shooting a winning sperm up there With AI, you're sort of just leaving it at the opening and hoping for the best, surely?

Can i ask to those who are pregnant through AI, what 'technique' did you use? I have always removed the syringe after erm, depositing the sperm, but i've heard some people leave it in as a 'plug' for 30 minutes. I'm never quite sure how to do it, tbh. How long i have to stay with my hips elevated or how it all works. I'm using preseed this time, so will get the sperm, he'll leave and i'll go straight into my room, deposit the preseed, wait 15 mins and then insert the sperm. I've also heard of people waiting until the sperm liquifies but i'm not sure about that either. Any advice?

 

[EpdTTC]

Mechanica-If you read back through the thread, I think you will find many different tips and stories about how we all do/did our inseminations. I personally think that AI probably has a better chance of working than NI. My rationale is that when you are doing it the old fashioned way and the man ejaculates, he will likely still trust a bit through that process and through the thrusting and then removing the penis, I think that just as much, if not more, of the sperm would be slopped up the side of his penis and come out upon removal, as would with AI and removal of the syringe. Just my little science brain at work. HaHa! No research to back up that hypothesis, although I was once married to a man and have had heterosexual sex so I know how that process goes Also, a penis really doesn't get any closer to the cervix than a syringe, especially if you use a speculum and a catheter on the end of the syringe. This is what my partner and I did the cycle we got pregnant. The first insemination I did myself with just a syringe. Removed the syringe immediately, put in a soft cup, had an orgasm, and preceded to lay in bed for at least a half hour before getting up to use the bathroom. Then went to bed as it was in the evening. The next day my partner did the insemination. She used a speculum and flashlight (headlamp would have been better) and located my cervix and then used a syringe to suck up the spermies, then placed a long (about 4 inches maybe) catheter on the end of the syringe and got it right up to my cervix (we did not put it in my cervix, that can be dangerous and cause infection) and "painted" my cervix with the semen. She very carefully removed the speculum (this is the hardest part and you will lose some of the goods-must be ultra careful) and then I placed a softcup in, had an orgasm, and laid down for a couple of hours-I think we took a nap. It was in the middle of the afternoon so I was up and about the rest of the day. We did use preseed and I laid with my hips elevated on a pillow. Hope that helps! Good luck this week!

 

[snagglepat]

In the UK it's possible for any biological parent to pursue their parental rights through the courts and chances are they'll get some for of legal recognition and forced access etc. However if you use AI and have a contract drawn up beforehand then you have evidence to show such a court that this wasn't the intention initially. It's not legally binding but it would be taken into consideration. If you use NI then it is assumed the man is the father as some form of personal relationship is assumed.

So yeah, lots of trust is required!

Gina. x

 

[day_dreamer]

Hello Ladies!

Sorry to burst in here in the middle of an interesting debate...could do with a little advice...

We think we may have found a donor on vivastreet, but having googled his username we're not sure what to think:

"Stocking clad male seeks top: "I love to dress in killer high heels, black stockings, corset and open crotch panties whilst being open for you to use. I am available most saturdays from 8am until 3pm, plus the occasional Friday from 8am until 5pm. I can accommodate, in more ways than one."

He has apparently been through IVF with his wife so has had all the tests and is clear...but not sure whether he can be so sure with extra-marital activities such as that...

What would you think??

 

[topazicatzbet]

if it were me id be running in the opposite direction, think you need to ask more questions there hun.

 

[RubyRainbows]

Gina -- Those are interesting points i hadn't considered!

Erin -- You are prob right about equal amounts of leakage!

Hhmm... i think i can easily be swayed. Bottom-line... i just want a baby. And this waiting game sucks!!

I need to be thankful for all the things that are going well -- OH agreed to carry a baby & i found a nice donor who i trust. The rest is up to nature, God, &/or the universe!

day-dreamer -- I would say keep looking. It may take a little longer but you will find the right donor. To each their own -- and that guy is welcome to have any hobbies(?) he so chooses. But, from your perspective i would worry that he is A. A bit strange, and B. Not clean. Do you have proof he is actually married? Besides if he is having new partners, then you would need to see clean STD screenings monthly...... but even so there is a 6 month quarantine period... where HIV/STDs may not show in tests. Have you tried an actual donor site? It's really not all that expensive. I wish i had signed up sooner! Not sure why i waited so long! Good luck!

 

[EpdTTC]

day_dreamer-I'd say run like hell. I'm not one to judge people and like Ruby said, to each their own-he can have all of the hobbies he wants but considering that he is soliciting himself to be used for sex and you are looking to insert his semen into your body, I would put your health first, and I think that it sounds like he might engage in high risk sexual behavior. Even if he has protected sex, it sounds like he may have a high volume of sexual partners. Just my two cents.

 

[LunaBean]

Day dreamer, Id say he's a fake, the amount of replies I had from 'genuine guys' saying how they're wives had went through IVF and he just wanted to help us out etc were all lies. I asked one for a pic of him and his wife and he claimed not to have any!! Also, with the username thing on Vivastreet, you just enter any name you want when you reply to an ad, so it could jut be that he made up a name that hapens to be someone elses username! Either way, it sounds dodgy

This is my 17th cycle of this madness with 5 lost pregnancies under my belt..to say its getting tedious is an understatment. My opks arent doing anything at all and the donor is coming up tomro night

As for the NI thing, Im totally against it. It totally undermines my relationship with my OH. If I was for it, I'd just go out and pull a guy in a club, doing it the AI way, we're making our baby, not me and some random guy. Some people see it as a 'means to an end' I guess, Ive nothing against that tho, but if a man is willing to donate, it should be for the right reasons, not to get his leg over and a baby 'might' come out of it 9 months down the line! Anyways, AI and NI hav the same chance of working!

 

[Nimyra]

My opinion -- aside from the HUGE issues that doing NI can raise legally and in terms of complicating the relationship, if a guy is interested in doing NI with you, you had better believe he's interested in doing NI with other people too. That means even if he's clean as of 6 months ago (window for HIV to show up in a test), there is no guarantee he's still clean since he's been exposed to anything anyone who he's donated NI to has. This is much more health risk than I personally am willing to take, no matter how much I want a baby.

Now, if it was a personal friend - like some people use, that might be a different story (and still the issues of complicating the relationship persist). But a donor found online, forget it!

NI is NOT more effective than AI. In many cases AI is probably more effective - like if you are using a cervical cap and stem.

Now, if you want to have sex with a donor and hope to get pregnant, that's cool and I would absolutely not judge anyone for doing that. But I think we should just call it sex in that case and not "Natural Insemination."

I get really upset when I see guys on my listserve try to argue that NI is more effective. They are talking to women in a delicate emotional state (come on, TTC makes us CRAZY) and very susceptible into being pressured or deceived into doing something they might later regret.

... rant over... sorry about that!

 

[Tegans Mama]

Has to be AI for me too - legally the baby is the 'donors' if its conceived through NI.

Day_Dreamer, the only problem with Vivastreet is of course the guys who are fake. We had over a hundred replies, and out of that I'd day 3-4 were genuine. The guy we ended up using was nice though!

 

[day_dreamer]

Thanks for all your replies girls, my gut instinct was to run for the hills but I wasn't sure whether I was just over reacting. I don't get the point of fake replies...I am very clear that we will only consider AI so guys have nothing to gain by replying if theyre not genuine. *sigh* guess I have a lot to learn!

 

[Tegans Mama]

It is hard hun, but I honestly think it's much harder when you know you have to pay to contact a donor.. I found it a really disheartening process if I'm entirely honest, really didn't 'enjoy' it if that makes sense x

 

[LunaBean]

You should have saw my ad, pity it expired, we had load of criteria on the last ad, non-smoker, no NI etc, and we had so many replies from people saying beggars can't be choosers and who did we think we were having so many stipulations! Fools.

 

[RubyRainbows]

Thanks for all your replies girls, my gut instinct was to run for the hills but I wasn't sure whether I was just over reacting. I don't get the point of fake replies...I am very clear that we will only consider AI so guys have nothing to gain by replying if theyre not genuine. *sigh* guess I have a lot to learn!

Who knows! I had some strange responses too, even tho i clearly stated AI only. I guess some guys think they can eventually convince you otherwise. One guy i was talking to for a few weeks... seemed really nice... and then all of a sudden asked if i wanted him to email me a picture of "his package." It can be very frustrating to weed thru the perverts until you find a genuine, great guy! Hang in there!

It should give you hope that many women on here have found very nice, sincere, legit donors that we trust. You will too. Always go with your gut! (The donor we decided to go with sent me his professional website, showed me pics of himself with his wife & step-kids, pics of himself with his nieces/nephews, vacation pics, and i googled his name & cell phone number & everything checked-out. He also brought medical screenings to our 1st meeting, was more than happy to sign a contract, and wore his work badge which verified his name & picture.) Never feel you are "over-reacting" -- i think it's crucial to ensure the guy "checks out" before meeting him!!!

Not sure if i mentioned this yet: but i called the hotel we used last time & they said we can check-in early for no additional fee. (As long as they aren't full... which i can't see why they would be on a random Monday!) Very excited to meet our donor again next Monday for attempt #2! Also, so happy that the specimen cups have arrived in the mail! As some of you may remember, we used a sippy cup last time bc i couldn't find any specimen cups (pots) at 4 different pharmacies!

 

[mechanica]

day dreamer - i agree with what the others have said. I don't mind my donor getting up to 'extra curricular activities' but i think those sort of activities could put you at risk because how do you know that he's protecting himself?

Nimyra - your post hit so many chords with me for so many reasons. It's still a bit 'raw' but i made a very stupid decision and believed a donor over my gut instinct and i am still paying for it now.

In other news, i have had a rollercoaster of a day today, it's been really awful. I text my donor asking him if he were available as i was expecting my surge today (i had 'booked' him weeks ago because i always surge on day 17) and he then began pressurising me into doing NI. Now, i have been 'working' with this guy for 5 months, he knows that the reason i will not consider NI is i have been raped in the past. I don't want to have sex, i want to have a baby. I began to get really upset. He said he would only do two donations if it was NI, otherwise he would do 1 donation of AI because otherwise 'whats in it for him?'. He also started having a go at me about how i should 'compromise' and he 'doesn't see what the big deal is' I was SO upset i can't even tell you. I cannot under any circumstances do NI, the feelings and the aftermath just aren't worth it for me.

So, i figured this month was out. I was contemplating throwing my morals out of the window (i am desperate for a baby and have been feeling really positive about it this month and he knows this and was obviously playing on it) but my friend talked some sense into me. I texted him back and basically told him to forget it, i can't be backed into corners over this and ignore my gut again. He was very surprised and said we needed to 'talk' but i am not interested at all. I am so upset about the whole thing.

So, i started looking for another donor and emailed a very well known one never for a moment thinking he would say yes, and he did! I spoke to him on the phone and we are meeting up tomorrow! Can you believe it? I can't! I was meant to get my surge today but i didn't, so i figure i'll get it tomorrow. So, fingers crossed this might be perfect timing!

He also mentioned that i might be having trouble because i am still breastfeeding. He said it is possible for women to fall pregnant when breastfeeding but women produce prolactin when they're bf and it means the egg might not 'nest'. I'm going to read up on it tomorrow.

Thank you so much for listening to me, i'm so glad i found this site!!

 

[Tegans Mama]

I'm so sorry about what your donor said Mechanica That is so horrible. I'm glad you told him where to go!!

Your new donor is right though, a lot of women find it harder to get pregnant whilst breasfeeding. Sometimes you don't ovulate at all, other times your body might find it harder to 'accept' a new baby because in a sense its still focusing on the one you're currently feeding. x

 

[Nimyra]

Oh my god, Mechanica, I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope my little rant didn't upset you... that sort of behavior makes me absolutely furious. I'm glad you told him to go to hell. It is so very hard, wanting a baby so badly. It's easy to be taken advantage of. I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened. Its really hard to stick to your guns when you are vulnerable.

Fortunately not all donors are like that. The one I used was an absolute angel.

*huge hugs*

 

[RubyRainbows]

mechanica -- Sorry to hear what an upsetting day you've had! Amazing how everything is falling into place tho with the new donor -- almost like it was meant to be! Good luck! I hope this is your month!

 

[day_dreamer]

Omg mechanica, sorry to hear about your donor! what a Tosser! glad to hear its working out ok for you

we put our ad on vivastreet over a month ago now and only had 5 responses. 1 of those was a good luck msg, 2 were wanting to help but wanted no contact with any children (not what we want) then this guy, and another. I think the section we advertised in didn't help - gay personals...if people saw our ad, what were they originally looking for?? Should've thought about that before really...just don't know where else to post it!!