Hi Lisa,
That's a really tough one. To be honest, I think if my DH felt like yours does, I would probably start planning for IVF with adoption as a back up plan. I say this because... having used a donor and having been successful I still have some insecurities that DH wont think of baby as his own. DH loves the baby already and I know this fear is irrational, but it probably wont go away completely until the baby is here. If DH was reluctant about our decision to use a donor I don't think I could bear it.
We considered IVF too but opted to try a donor for a year first both because of the $$ issue, and because my DH would need a surgery to even make IVF possible for us. My DH was open to using a donor from the beginning (because he sees it as akin to adoption - like adopting stray sperm - and also because we have a lot of lesbian friends so it seems more normal to us).
We didn't feel comfortable asking family (I actually feel much weirder about that than using a stranger).
In your place, I would start planning for IVF (def. don't push DH in the donor direction) - he may change his mind on his own the more he learns about IVF, but if he doesn't, that's life. In the end you both must be absolutely on board with using a donor for this to be a good situation, because the issues of how or when to tell your child, let alone other family members only get harder and if there are bad feelings about how your baby was conceived, they aren't going to just go away.
This may not be what you wanted to hear... just my opinion for what it is worth. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to PM me if you want to discuss this more off-line.
