Considering giving my baby up for adoption

[BrandiCanucks]

My situation is complicated. You can read about it here:

https://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-first-trimester/400791-afraid-unknown-4.html

As much as I wanted this baby, and as much as I love this baby, there's so much stress and turmoil between my husband and I and I've realized that I DO want to make my marriage work. It sucks that it took this long and this situation to realize it, but my husband and my family mean so much to me and I don't want to lose that.

So I'm considering giving my baby up for adoption. Not sure if I will go through with that decision at the moment, but it's been a strong consideration on my mind for the last few days.

Has anyone given their child up through open adoption?

 

[Mummy2Angel.]

I've had no experience etc of this situation. But i can understand why you feel like this.....and i'm not going to sit back and judge, i think if you did it would be a huge decision, there are lots of couples out there that cant have babies that would be very greatful. It would be a great thing to do. My main question that you have other children? So why would this baby be any differant? it's still your anyway :shurg:. But whatever you decide i wish you the best, and think it would be a lovely thing for you to do for someone else if you were sure about it hun x

 

[new_mummy]

Did you use a sperm donor AFTER you split with your husband?

 

[BrandiCanucks]

We had agreed to separate and divorce, and had even signed divorce papers. Assuming this marriage was truly over, and not being ready for another relationship, combined with my fertility issues (rapidly progressing endometriosis), I decided to use sperm donation.

I was ready for it, comfortable with my decision, REALLY wanted a baby (and still do) and in an attempt to save a little money for the baby, decided to go with the cheapest option, which has only a 10% sucess rate. Unless by some miracle, this is my husband's baby with only a 20 000 sperm count (we did have sex the night before I ovulated), that 10% got me good.

Since telling him of the pregnancy, there have been mixed messages. One day, he still wants the divorce, the next, he wants me to stay and wants us to work on our marriage. I still love my husband very very much, and I really want to make the marriage work, however, he has said that he will not raise a child that is not his, nor will he stay with me if the baby is not his.

Maybe it's just my hormones making me think this way, or maybe it's the fear of losing my husband, my family and my home (I would be starting from scratch, pretty much rock bottom, if he left me) but I really want to try and save my marriage, and if it happens to not work out, then wait until the divorce is final before trying to have another child, sperm donor or not.

I keep debating with myself though...could I live with my decision of giving up a baby I so desperately love and want, regardless of whether my marriage works or not, or is it truly the right decision to give my child up for adoption?

It's all so confusing. I have been looking at prospective families, but haven't contacted any of them yet. If I decide to give my child up, it's not because I suddenly don't want the baby or because I don't love him or her, but because my marriage and family means a lot to me too. I'd also be making a very happy family out of a childless couple.

 

[NeyNey]

Wow it sounds like you're in some turmoil. I can't imagine being in your shoes. But I'm not here to judge. Yes you will make a childless couple very very happy, but you need to make sure you are doing this for you and the child, not for anyone else (including your husband) because in the end hun, you are the one who has to live with this decision.

Best of luck xox

 

[QuintinsMommy]

you could make another couple really happy
BUT
I have a feeling you will always regret giving your baby up,I've read your story. your relationship seems like its been rocky for along time if you give up this baby, and it doesnt work out, will you be able to forgive yourself?
what if this baby was your ex husbands? what would happen then? :S

Sorry I know nothing about divorce
but I do know alot about having a baby no one else wants, but me, and it worked out for me.
also, you wrote when you had a big chat with him about how HE felt how YOU don't love him , lots of men raise children that aren't theirs because they love the mother, doesn't he understand how you feel about giving up the baby? :S or is he just selfish?
I know break ups are hard, but they are called break ups because its broken!

 

[Mummy2Angel.]

How would you be able to give birth to this baby, hold it, see it and then hand it over to someone else, especially when you already have children? I could maybe understand why someone who doesnt have children might come to this decision, but you yourself must know how it feels to hold your child for the first time and the love you will feel, how would you be able to give that away? when you havent given any of your other children away? I'm not judging but just looking at it from another point of view hun x

 

[BrandiCanucks]

And that's what I'm afraid of too, holding my baby and not being able to give him/her away, or later down the road regretting my decision to give him/her up for adoption. I'd want an open adoption, for sure, because I know I'd never be able to fully give him/her away and out of my life.

I know deep down my marriage is over, but it's so hard to give someone and something up that you love so much and have had for so long. My biggest fear is being alone. I know I could make a great single mom, but I'm afraid of being without my husband and my family.

I also look at what I have now, a beautiful home in a friendly neighbourhood (the richer part of town, but we are not rich in any sense of the word), we do not pay rent or a mortgage, and leaving this means temporarily ending up in a dirty part of town, around drugs and stuff. It means temporarily ending up in rent-geared-to-income housing, and possibly on welfare. When I say I'd be starting from scratch, I mean starting from scratch. I'm a full-time student right now, set to graduate in June, but with a newborn baby, I wouldn't be able to just run out and find a job.

I'm just trying to weigh all the best options. I love this baby, I want this baby, regardless of what happens between my and my husband, but I also need to do what is best for the baby.

 

[Ju_bubbs]

From reading what you've said, I get the impression that its more your family situation that you want, rather than your husband deep down.. I dont mean thtt to come acros in a horrible way, just don't know if you've thought about it like that? If you were going to have to leave your home and start from scratch in a shitty huse in a shitty part of town whether you fixed your marriage or not, would having your husband still be so important to you?

As for adoption, obviously you've thought about it a lot, and still got a lot more thinking to do. I'm worrying that maybe you're considering it for the wrong reasons.. whether you and your husband go your seperate ways, or you try and work things out, you really have to put yourself and the baby first, adoption isn't something you can just live with for the sake of someone else.

I'm not sure I've worded all that very well, please dont take any of it the wrong way!
I hope everything works out for you and your baby whatever you decide to do

 

[billy2mm]

have you thought about what if this baby is your husbands?

as you said he has a low sperm count and the ai you used only has a 10% success rate so to me its like there is just as much a chance of him being the father as the donor.

 

[Seraphim]

I hope you find peace somewhere - sounds like a very difficult situation

 

[2ndtimer]

i dont understand after reading all you post and your story.

you and your husband betrayed each other, by him having a vasectomy and then you using a sperm doner? i can clearly see that you both see each betrayal very significantly, and dont think you as a couple can completly put this behind you. Because of this how do you think that by giving up the one thing that you wanted so much and that was a huge part of your problems(a baby) is going to make things work between you. how will you be able to look at you husband without remorse if you give away your child.

how can your husband have such a high sperm count after a vasectomy?

i relaly dont want to sound harsh and am in no way judging you but i think you would be better off leaving your marriage and home, (not all dependant and income support houses are in these drug and run down locations) and concentrate on the live growing inside you and the 2 little children you already have. this situation you are currntly living in can not be the best for them and certainally for you also. good luck in whatever you do and remeber yur 2 LO and bumo come before anything else.

 

[BrandiCanucks]

We live in a city that has a very high drug usage rate and also carries the highest teen pregnancy rate in all of our province. Very few places in the city are drug-free, if at all. We actually just read in the paper this week that a house in our area (the richer part of town) was just busted for a grow operation - $26-million worth.

I want to work on our marriage. I know he still loves me (he's told me) and that he wants to work on it too. The only thing stopping us from working on it is that he believes I am the issue and need to change. He doesn't believe he has to work on anything.

I do want this baby, I love this baby so much already, and I love my husband and family too. Right now, I realize, was not the perfect time to be having another baby either.

I just don't know what to do. I always swore I wouldn't raise my children in RGI housing or on welfare, but when I said I'd have to start from the bottom, I wasn't kidding.

 

[QuintinsMommy]

where do you live?

 

[Ju_bubbs]

Raising children on welfare isn't THAT bad, some of us HAVE no choice in the matter, and most people probably have or will do even for a short time at some point in their lives because lives rarely go as planned, and are not always perect all the time. I don't see that as a reason to give away a baby that is clearly very wanted!

As for drugs again, most people probably have or will at some point in their lives have to live in a bad area at some point for whatever reason.. it's not ideal, but it doesn't mean your baby will turn into a drug user! lock your doors, take them to parks outside the area to play etc, and do all that you can to build a better life for yourself and your children.

Your best is all you can do in situations like this, it's not like you'll have to live like that forever

 

[Steph63]

We had agreed to separate and divorce, and had even signed divorce papers. Assuming this marriage was truly over, and not being ready for another relationship, combined with my fertility issues (rapidly progressing endometriosis), I decided to use sperm donation.

I was ready for it, comfortable with my decision, REALLY wanted a baby (and still do) and in an attempt to save a little money for the baby, decided to go with the cheapest option, which has only a 10% sucess rate. Unless by some miracle, this is my husband's baby with only a 20 000 sperm count (we did have sex the night before I ovulated), that 10% got me good.

Since telling him of the pregnancy, there have been mixed messages. One day, he still wants the divorce, the next, he wants me to stay and wants us to work on our marriage. I still love my husband very very much, and I really want to make the marriage work, however, he has said that he will not raise a child that is not his, nor will he stay with me if the baby is not his.

Maybe it's just my hormones making me think this way, or maybe it's the fear of losing my husband, my family and my home (I would be starting from scratch, pretty much rock bottom, if he left me) but I really want to try and save my marriage, and if it happens to not work out, then wait until the divorce is final before trying to have another child, sperm donor or not.

I keep debating with myself though...could I live with my decision of giving up a baby I so desperately love and want, regardless of whether my marriage works or not, or is it truly the right decision to give my child up for adoption?

It's all so confusing. I have been looking at prospective families, but haven't contacted any of them yet. If I decide to give my child up, it's not because I suddenly don't want the baby or because I don't love him or her, but because my marriage and family means a lot to me too. I'd also be making a very happy family out of a childless couple.

It's the bit I've bolded that really gets me......you make having a child sound like a disposable comodity, it's like the timing is bad now so give this one up and then have another when the timing is better! If you do that with an open adoption, so the child would know if you had another child, how do you think that child would feel? You kept your first two children and kept a later child, but gave this one away? I'm honestly not trying to be harsh or nasty or anything, just looking at it from another angle

 

[momofmister]

Don't want to be harsh, but you said you Love your Husband and your family too!
Did you even stop to think that the baby inside you is also Your Family. Just as much as your first two children are. Sounds to me like you LOVE your children, and you love what being married to your husband affords to you. Take it from someone who's mother had to start from scratch after she divorced my father. Kids don't care where they live. As long as you are with them they will be fine. I can remember my mom not having enough $$ for a toy box, so what did she do. She found a really big cardboard box and glued Mickey Mouse wall paper to it and called it our toy box. After 15yrs of hard work and sweat blood and tears my mother now lives in a 5 bedroom house and is retired this year. Took a long time but we made it and so will you.

 

[BrandiCanucks]

where do you live?

Brantford, Ontario

I suppose you're all right. Maybe I'm more afraid of losing what I do have rather than actually losing my husband. He doesn't provide me with my emotional needs, just the physical needs, and that's no way to live. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to tell me he loves me, or give me a kiss or a hug or spend any one-on-one time with me? No.

I think I would much rather start from scratch, raise my babies, love them and teach them how not to treat their spouse when the time comes, and BE FREAKING HAPPY..and who knows, maybe someone else will come along who does treat me well, who doesn't just provide the food and shelter, but the love too.

 

[QuintinsMommy]

ah, I'm from Niagara falls, good luck tho hun,
It's always darkest before the dawn

 

[angelmummy]

I want to work on our marriage. I know he still loves me (he's told me) and that he wants to work on it too. The only thing stopping us from working on it is that he believes I am the issue and need to change. He doesn't believe he has to work on anything

this bit worries me, where you say he thinks you are the issue and you need to change. it sounds like he is not taking his part in this and accepting that it takes 2 to make changes and make a relationship work. why should you change hun and not him.
if he loves you and really wants it to work then he should accept that maybe he needs to change too.

i hope i dont sound harsh but i just feel you might be better focusing on you, your bump and the children you have and finding someone who will love you all for who you are and the children you have regardless.!!!

on the subject of your baby you are expecting. i think if you give your baby up for him, that there is a danger that ultimately you will always deep down hold this against him and it will always be an issue and in arguments you could end up always using the baby you gave up against him and in arguments.

hope you reach a decision you are happy with xx