Considering giving my baby up for adoption

[jay004]

Hi, I have seen other women on here considering to give their baby up for adoption and I have been thinking the same thing.

Here's my story:
I am 17, senior in high school, doing great in school and accepted to many universities. So basically, I had a pretty succesful life ahead of me, I feel.

I am currently 8 weeks 2 days pregnant with my "boyfriends" child who is about to turn 20. Him and I have been through a lot (domestic violence charges, constant fighting, etc.) but somehow we always end up back together. And I care for him soooo much, but I don't know how much I love him, really. I'd like to think we are in love, just doesn't seem the same as when we were both in high school and after everything that has happened we have a large amount of resentment towards eachother.

My father, who I have a great deal of respect for, obviously HATES my "boyfriend" for hurting me in the past and is devestated by this surprise pregnancy. I hid from him that we were still in a relationship because I knew it would hurt him. My dad wants the pregnancy to go away. In other words, abortion, for helath reasons (I am high risk- ovary removed and other stuff) financial reasons, and he feels the father and I are not capable of raising a child, which I understand all of that. I just don't believe abortion is right for my situation since this is my fault and not the baby's.

So here I am wondering about adoption. I would like to hear stories of people who went through it? Or if they could change their mind, would they? I have a huge decision to make.. I feel like I'm going into this alone- any advice?

There are days when I feel like a mother to this baby- and others where I am dperessed to be pregnant. I don't know what to do.


Thanks to everyone
xxxx Jay

 

[terces]

I just happened to wander over here from the TTC site. I'm proud of you for the choice to not abort. I have had a friend who gave her baby up for adoption when she was younger. She still gets pictures of the baby and letters. She seems to be happy with the decision, but I'm sure it was hard for her. Another friend of mine was unable to have children on her own and has adopted 2 children. There are pros and cons to it. Search your heart and you will know for sure what to do. As for the "boyfriend" I know this isn't what you want to here, but if he has hurt you before than he isn't worth it. I realize I don't know you, but NO women deserves to be hurt. If you choose to keep your baby you will want him/her to be raised to respect others. Hope it works out for you.

 

[mummyosborne]

You need to do what you feel is best, dont let anyone else sway your choice here, me and my partner thought a lot about adoption but realised it wasnt for us and we were ready for my LO but not everyones in the right situation (i was only 17 aswell when i had my LO) but you dont have to decide right away, maybe look into it a little bit more? talk to some proffessionsals? remember you can change your mind at any point. Just please dont let other pressure you sorry i couldnt be more helpful x

 

[SabrinaKat]

As somebody who thought I would never have children myself (am actually 18wks!), my husband and I long thought about adoption; we agreed that we would be very happy with an open adoption and if the mother/parents wanted, could have letters/photos/contact if they wanted; if adoption is something you are considering, it would make a childless couple very happy, but you can have it both ways and continue to be involved, if you wanted!

best wishes

 

[nevernormal]

It really is a huge decision! As someone who has always wanted to adopt anyway, and am now struggling with infertility, adopting from someone like you has always seemed like a good scenario. Like others have said, there is the possiblity of open adoption or at least getting updates and pictures throughout the child's life. I'm sure there are many couples out there struggling with infertility that would be so blessed to raise your child. You may be able to choose which family you want to adopt your baby. I'm not exactly sure how to go that route, but I've heard of it happening.

That being said, I know that if I'd gotten pregnant as a teenager, I never would've been able to give up my child for adoption. Some people can, and some people can't. I think both decisions take a lot of strength and determination, and both can have equally positive outcomes.

If you do end up deciding for adoption though, especially if you are choosing a specific couple to adopt, I urge you to stand by your decision (once the couple/family is involved in the process). I know it will be hard, but having seen my aunt and uncle try to adopt several times and it always falling through because the birth mother changed her mind has made me hesitant to pursue adoption. They eventually gave up and never had any children, though they would've been wonderful parents. It is a very emotional process for all parties involved, but I would definitely urge you to stick with your decision (if you're already to the point of the couple "knowing" they will be adopting your baby).

You don't have to make a choice right away though, and I don't know if it would be wise to make a final decision this early. If you decide to give it up for adoption, you may change your mind once you see the baby on the ultrasound, or feel him/her move, or find out their gender. Until you have already committed this child to someone else, don't be afraid to change your mind about it, either way.

 

[Maybemommy23]

I definitely suggest contacting an adoption agency. If it is a good agency, they will help you think about your decision to choose adoption for your baby AND they will help give you other options for support. All birthmothers should receive counseling before anything is permanent and remember that in any adoption situation you should be in total control of what the pre and post adoption relationships will look like. You determine weather or not the adoptive parents are in the room for the birth or aren't contacted until afterwards, and weather or not you get annual visits or whatever you choose. I wish you the best of luck in your situation!

 

[Shwhattam+1]

Regardless of your choice, it is your duty as a mother to ensure that your baby is brought into a loving, respectful, non-violent living environment. This may mean being a single parent or finding a couple capable of providing that environment for this baby.

As a single mom at 17 and now a married 'mom again' at 35, I can attest to how difficult it is to be a young mom. Being one in an abusive relationship would most certainly be a disaster for both you and your baby.

 

[pinkneon]

I considered giving up my baby for adoption when I was pregnant. My daughter was 5weeks early and so tiny, and I decided I couldn't give her up. But this is YOUR decision. What part of the world are you in? I only know how it work here (in the UK) and in America. You've still got plenty of time to think about it, but I would consider these things : What do you want for this child? What can you give this child? Also think about what you can't give the child (for example a friend of mine was raped and knew she'd never be able to love the baby). After that you need to think about you, what you want or need. The only thing you need to make sure of is the decision you make needs to be the right one for you. It might be worth getting some pregnancy counselling - to help you make the best decision? Good luck!

 

[mandynampihs]

I was just wondering if you had made a decision about whether to keep your baby or put her up for adoption. I work in a high school as a counselor and talk with girls like you often. I also am in the process of completing an adoption homestudy so that I can have a child someday. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. As someone who has a desire to adopt, I know that there are many amazing families out there who would give your child a good home. I also understand this is an incredibly difficult decision for you. Please feel free to message me...I would love to talk.

 

[ashliee]

I just want to say that you are extremely mature to think about all of your options!
I also have some advice for you!! Where your boyfriend is concerned in this, please keep in the back of your mind that regardless of which decision you make, your boyfriend will likely bail out when times get tough, this can be a blessing or a curse! But it truly is the reality!
Adoption is an amazing thing, however it can also be something that can impact your life negatively if its something you are not 100% on!
Being a teen mother if you choose that will be the single most difficult and important job you will ever have!
Whatever you decide on, just make sure without a doubt that you are prepared to handle the emotional aspects without him! The worst thing you can do is believe it will be easy any way you look at it.
You looking at all of your options is admirable!
If you ever need someone to talk to, someone who will never judge you and will do their best to give you the support you need, you are more then welcome to message me any time! Good luck dear, I hope whatever you end up choosing gives you great happiness!

 

[jay004]

Here's an update:

I have talked to several counselors, both at school and just one my family hired to help me get through this decision making process.

As of now, my plan is to keep the child. There are times when I second guess my decision (especially when my boyfriend is not being supportive), but ultimately, since I can not 100 percent say that I feel adoption is the best option for my baby, I have trouble settling with that decision. Although I cannot be 100 percent certain either that keeping my baby will provide the best life for him/her, I can at least know with certainty that I will do my absolute best I can. That is the only thing I sure of this point.

I've grown so attached to my little one since posting this, something I didn't have when first realizing I was pregnant.

I am still always ears open for advice, because frankly, I am new to everything about being a parent and making such life changing decisions.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive!

 

[Hangin_On_AGS]

I didn't want to read and run but I have to give you major credit for talking to several professionals. Your going at this very rationally and that's a very hard thing to do. And I think when it comes to worrying about giving him/her the best life all you have to ask yourself is, Is this baby going to be loved by you and your family? If the answer to that is yes than I think your baby will have a wonderful life. I was raised in a family where we got everything we wanted and got a ton of time with my family.. and I can honestly tell you I don't remember the toys and gifts, I remember all the fun times we went and did stupid stuff together as a family. I remember bonfires in the backyard, home movies, a day on the lake, or card games around the table. Yes children require money, but more so they need love. You are a strong woman and you don't need a man to create a wonderful home for your baby. Only you can make the right decision for you and your new family. Good Luck!!!!! You have our support whatever your decision is.

 

[pinkneon]

Here's an update:

I have talked to several counselors, both at school and just one my family hired to help me get through this decision making process.

As of now, my plan is to keep the child. There are times when I second guess my decision (especially when my boyfriend is not being supportive), but ultimately, since I can not 100 percent say that I feel adoption is the best option for my baby, I have trouble settling with that decision. Although I cannot be 100 percent certain either that keeping my baby will provide the best life for him/her, I can at least know with certainty that I will do my absolute best I can. That is the only thing I sure of this point.

I've grown so attached to my little one since posting this, something I didn't have when first realizing I was pregnant.

I am still always ears open for advice, because frankly, I am new to everything about being a parent and making such life changing decisions.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive!

You go girl! I know exactly how you're feeling, I went through exactly the same thoughts. You're welcome to PM me at any time if you want to. And I think you'll make a great mommy!

 

[ashliee]

Here's an update:

I have talked to several counselors, both at school and just one my family hired to help me get through this decision making process.

As of now, my plan is to keep the child. There are times when I second guess my decision (especially when my boyfriend is not being supportive), but ultimately, since I can not 100 percent say that I feel adoption is the best option for my baby, I have trouble settling with that decision. Although I cannot be 100 percent certain either that keeping my baby will provide the best life for him/her, I can at least know with certainty that I will do my absolute best I can. That is the only thing I sure of this point.

I've grown so attached to my little one since posting this, something I didn't have when first realizing I was pregnant.

I am still always ears open for advice, because frankly, I am new to everything about being a parent and making such life changing decisions.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive!

Congrats on your decision mama! Things have a funny way of working out, and although this is going to be harrrrd work, you can do anything you set your mind to, I know you can do it, and I know you will do a darn good job! If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me, Im always there for those who need a friend and someone to talk to

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Great update hun!

It's a long story, but I considered giving my youngest daughter up for adoption after a marital breakdown, but in the end, I decided to keep her. I loved her more than life itself and finally saw that regardless of my marital status, my daughter needed me. I AM her mother. Husbands are great and all, but daughter's are better.

I am SO glad I kept my daughter. I look at her and everyday regret even considering adoption because I simply cannot fathom life without her. She's the happiest baby anyone has met (and tons of hair too). And the best part?

Although not biologically my husband's (she was conceived via sperm donor), he loves her as if she's from him. It doesn't even occur to him anymore than she's not biologically his. She grew in his heart, and that's is one of the best kinds of love.

 

[JASMAK]

I have not gone through it, and I imagine it must be a very painful decision. My husband was adopted at just a few days old. His birth mom was young. He has never met her, but I have looked for her though. I really want to thank her for her gift. When you give a child up, it's more than just that one child. I have a husband and three wonderful children because of her decision. I want to meet her and thank her. If she had chosen to abort, I would not have my children, or husband. I would love to adopt!! I actually looked into it and went to the interviews but the waitlist was so long! We were able to finally have another child and so although I would love to adopt one day, I now have three children and I am content. This is a decision that YOU have to make.

Ten years from now...you are going to be in a completely different place. Your baby needs YOU to make the right decision for YOU, no one else. If your boyfriend and you break up...and you have given your baby up, you cannot get your baby back. Don't let HIM be the reason, let them be YOUR reasons. I hope that makes sense.

My sister thought about all this with her daughter as she was in her early 20's. Everyone told her she was making a mistake...everyone, including her boyfriend and our mom...but she kept her baby. She is now an ER registered nurse, owns her own house and a brand new Jeep Compass with two more children (just recently divorced - not related to first child). You CAN go to school, you CAN get a good job, you just have to work harder. But, you also will have a fantastic motivator. She made the BEST decision ever....and I love my niece, now 13, to pieces. I am glad she made a decision that felt right FOR HER.

You need to weed through it all and come to a decision for YOU.

 

[JASMAK]

Sorry, just read your update. Congratulations hon. A baby is a blessing. Please don't let your relationship with your boyfriend interfere with the happiness and excitement (and fear!) you should be feeling. This is YOUR moment.

 

[LeahLou]

I was in a very similar situation as you 9.5 months ago.
I just turned 19 (literally 2 weeks before) when my boyfriend and I got a huge surprise. We've had several physical, emotional, and personal issues that we're now going to counseling for separately and together.
We talked about giving our baby up for adoption. After several conversations and weeks went by, I got way too attached, especially after I first felt the baby move. I decided whether with my boyfriend or alone, I wanted my daughter. I have the ability to take care of her and I will.
Now, my sweet girl is here. She's all that matters and I'm so happy. My boyfriend is somewhat involved but I moved back in with my parents and he's rarely over. (Mostly because they don't like him, so they limit when he's here) When your momma instincts kick in, it all becomes much clearer and easier to make decisions.
Adoption is definitely a good option for some people. But, I knew I could raise my child.
If you need any advice, I'm here for ya!

 

[themaybaby]

I just wanted to say that I think your a very strong 17 year old for having the strength and not aborting the baby. I had an abortion once and it's the biggest mistake I've ever made. I hope that you search yourself, and that you don't let anyone put pressure on you to give the baby up for adoption, good luck in your endeavors and I hope everything goes well for you

 

[jay004]

Hey everyone, I must admitt after standing firm with my decision of keeping my baby for the last couple months, I began reconsidering again.

The FOB had randomly stopped talking to me, showing up for appointments, and didn't come to 2 trips to the ER. (Was leaking amniotic fluid after recieving an amnio, but baby is doing great now! )

It's been weeks since I've heard from so I contacted his mother to see what was up, she was supportive of me trying to figure things out at first, but now no one from FOB's side will answer my calls or respond to any messages.

And, I found out yesterday that the FOB has been sleeping with someone else he never even broke up with me, he just stopped contact with me. Wouldn't even man up and tell me what was going on.

Anyway, I felt bad for my son for having such a non-supportive side of the family like that. I second guessed my decision again. It's all so much to take in. But I don't think I can part with my little guy.