Convincing my man! :D Getting care I want. (not short!)

[L Elise]

My OH is darling! A real thoughtful honey! However! He's volunterring in Emergency Care for years and has just finished his EMT training. He's a naturally worrisome soul when he's not 'in amongst it' himself.

My dilema!

He is NOT going for a homebirth. He wants me in the local hospital with all the bells and whistles! (Not happening buddy!)

The whole natural birth thang sounds just my bag - this is my first and I don't know much about much, in truth! What's more I'm naturally odd! And a prude to boot!! I'm not a fan of being touched - even by family - and I'm certainly not a fan of making my L&D a spectator sport! And I can't suffer fools. So minimal interruption is something I will be going for.

I have a local MLU (a proposed compromise) but my MW from there is......lacking in social skills! Possibley just a personality clash, everyone else loves her - but I can't have her. OH is terrified I'll lose my patience with this woman and hoof her out on her ear! In truth - likely!

Can anyone tell me how the whole Doula/IMW thang works? Where to find 'em? Costs etc? (I'm just outside Reading.) MervsMum - would you have a colleague down here? And last but not least - any thoughts of how I can get my man onside? I don't want to be worrying about him too when I'm concentrating on the task at hand.

Thanks in anticipation!

 

[ambreen359]

google independant midwives thats how i found ours were in edinburgh but am sure there will be some or ask around we were recommended ours there are three here and a friend recommended ours my oh was not on board initially but when he understood the quality and continuity of care it changed his mind were paying 2750 they all charge same here Also do you have like a pregnancy centre nearby we have a pregnancy and parents centre and they hold discussion groups on choices in childbirth and natural birthing among other things, very informative

 

[Mervs Mum]

Average cost for an IM is around £3000. That's all your care with the same person and them at your birth (with another IM as second MW usually). Have a google but I can ask my colleagues down your way for recommendations.

For doulas if you search with your post code on Doula UK and The Doula Directory you'll be able to see who is in your area. I recommend ringing a few and having a chat to see who you feel you like the sound of and then meeting those that you do. As yu have seen first had with your named MW we don't automatically get along with everyone! I would say that you are unlikely to have your own named MW at your birth. That's not often the case with the NHS - it's just who is on shift and when the shift changes so does the MW unlike with IMs and doulas.

Regarding convincing your OH it's funny you say he's a new EMT and thinks you should be at the hospital. Probably part of where he is in his journey work wise. But I can tell you that as someone coming from a family with a dad who was a paramedic, instructor and retired a director of the ambulance service, a sister and auntie who are EMDs, two uncles for paramedics and various other HCPs knocking around the family and friends it's not unusual for them to raise an eyebrow. Firstly they only ever see things going 'wrong' rather like consultants and lump birth in as a medical issue/procedure. It's not. You don't go to the hospital to take a dump and birth is in the same category - a normal physiological bodily function. In fact birth and taking a crap are closely related but that's for a whole other thread!!

Ultimately of course you'd like his blessing but also it's important to remember that while this is both your child, only you can birth it so your comfort comes above his I'm afraid,as unfashionable as it may be to say that.

I recommend trying to get him to read. He's obviously used to studying etc so when he understands the physiology of birth and that home birth is as safe if not safer than hospital, he may start to re think x

 

[birdiex]

I agree with MervsMum - you are the one doing the birthing, therefore it's your choice.

Try showing him the Business of Being Born & Pregnant in America - although the doctors here are american and not english, it shows what kind of attitudes exist in the medicalised western world. Does he really want you treated the same as these women are?

There's also a few websites he can read, and a few books you might find in your local library. I can't reccommend any myself, but if you pop in and have a look you may find something. I'll find you some useful links x

https://myobsaidwhat.com/
https://www2.zmovie.tv/movies/view/the-business-of-being-born
https://www2.zmovie.tv/movies/view/pregnant-in-america
https://www.homebirth.org.uk/

Hope that helped!

 

[Mervs Mum]

If you go to the start of the https://www.babyandbump.com/home-natural-birthing/255340-home-birthers-hopefuls.html thread, you'll see I started off with my OH in the same place (although he's a geography teacher not with the ambulance service like the rest of my family! ) and you can see my journey to convince him/get him on board. I have to say now he is a total convert and cant understand why anyone wouldnt plan a home birth!

 

[L Elise]

Thanks ladies!

MM, I'm in *exactly* the position you were in - OH will not put up any argument - but will say nothing! Normally a good sign that he doesn't agree. I understand his reservations (he's caught two babies with his work already) but he only sees the traumas, never the 2,000 (my guess - don't quote me) other accounts that went well to counter those statistics!

I will have the mother load of reading for him to do when he gets back from work next month! I can only hope he sees sense. I understand that it's our baby but me giving birth - I won't be comfortable with a begrudged agreement either.

Hmm. Think I need to digest this one and have a think. This 'battleplan' is going to take some concocting!!

 

[Mervs Mum]

Unfortunately you can't always make someone come with you 100%. That's what I really wanted with my hubby but it didn't transpire BUT once he said he was committed to supporting me he then really came on board and by default it stopped being begrudgingly and ended up wholehearted....it just took some time but it was all part of the journey x

 

[L Elise]

Such a shame, isn't it? I do understand his fears - I really do. I'm just not sure that I'll be conceding to them! He's a good soul - I'm hoping he'll just catch a grip!

To be fair, this is my first and as originally stated I can be as odd as they come!! So I'm just as worried that I won't chuck everyone out and hide in the hotpress/airing cupboard and re-appear three days later wee one in arms.....kinda the way cats do!!!

Thanks all for the input though! MM - got a feeling I'll be stalking you in the not too distant future!! You may be called upon to bring in the big guns!!

I will take a look for a Doula - at least there may be someone that OH can speak to about all of this - without me, just to knock the idea about with. Hopefully put his mind at rest.

 

[Mervs Mum]

Doulas are there for dads too so just by interviewing a few it may help him open up and discuss things with another person who's not emotionally involved and get that thought process going.

Hiding in the hot press (I've not heard that one in a few years!! Proper made me smile!) like cats do is a good example to show him what birth should be like! Cats dont do NCT classes, no one tells them 'oh just wait you will be begging for everything going', we dint take them the vets to give birth under their supervision, they aren't screaming for an epidural....they have no idea what is happening, they just act instinctively....find a safe place, away from prying eyes and where they know feels right for whatever it is that it happening to them....they don't know what's happening at all...they just listen to what their body is telling them....

 

[RaspberryK]

My hubby wasn't keen and is very worried even though we are only 10 mins from the hospital and I keep telling him they'd need that long to prep for an emergency anyway so it really makes no difference plus you have a midwife with you the whole time so she's more likely to spot problems earlier.
Since then he has just said he will trust my judgement and if I have researched it then he's fine with it. I really wish he'd read some of these articles though so he can see for himself and also then he'd be able to tell people the truth when they start their whole "oh you need to be with the doctors etc etc etc"
Luckily we were at a family party recently talking to my Nana and her siblings who all had their children at home and they were all really supportive, my Grandpa was hilarious though said he didn't think it was a good idea. When my Nana asked why he said, well it's all changed since you had babies - to which all the women laughed obviously and enquired as to how exactly he thought the process of natural child birth was different now to 50 years ago or even 500 years ago.
x

 

[birdiex]

My hubby wasn't keen and is very worried even though we are only 10 mins from the hospital and I keep telling him they'd need that long to prep for an emergency anyway so it really makes no difference plus you have a midwife with you the whole time so she's more likely to spot problems earlier.
Since then he has just said he will trust my judgement and if I have researched it then he's fine with it. I really wish he'd read some of these articles though so he can see for himself and also then he'd be able to tell people the truth when they start their whole "oh you need to be with the doctors etc etc etc"
Luckily we were at a family party recently talking to my Nana and her siblings who all had their children at home and they were all really supportive, my Grandpa was hilarious though said he didn't think it was a good idea. When my Nana asked why he said, well it's all changed since you had babies - to which all the women laughed obviously and enquired as to how exactly he thought the process of natural child birth was different now to 50 years ago or even 500 years ago.
x

My OH is totally the same. He knows that we wouldn't do anything to hurt our babies, and therefore what we are doing is the right thing. If he doesn't get more involved with the birth process & start reading and things, I will go behind his back and see if I can get a doula on a low price or hardship fund (I'm 17, at college & work at a fast-food joint. I don't really have much money to spare!) to be 100% certain that I have somebody to look after me, advocate for me and help OH (i'm assuming if he doesn't get his head in the game so to speak, he may get flustered and paniced by the professionals in the situation and may not be able to stand up for me and know the facts like I, or a doula, would).

Give him a while to see if he can get more involved, if not, get a good doula and build a good bond with your midwife

 

[RaspberryK]

I think he knows how strongly I feel about key items and knows how upset with him I'd be if he didn't do as I wished.
He knows for example that if I have to have an emergency C section and I have to be asleep then I want him to be given the baby immediately for skin to skin as I saw on one born every minute the mother was still in theatre being stitched up and left to wake up and the baby was in there as well crying in the cot and not taken out to the Dad.
x

 

[birdiex]

I think he knows how strongly I feel about key items and knows how upset with him I'd be if he didn't do as I wished.
He knows for example that if I have to have an emergency C section and I have to be asleep then I want him to be given the baby immediately for skin to skin as I saw on one born every minute the mother was still in theatre being stitched up and left to wake up and the baby was in there as well crying in the cot and not taken out to the Dad.
x

That's not good, is it

I suppose that's something you could put in a birth plan, for example "In the event of a, b, c happening, I would like x, y, z"

 

[RaspberryK]

No it wasn't good, I felt sorry for the baby and the Dad to be honest.
Yep I am writing a list of wished rather than a birth plan as such and so DH will have it as a reference point just in case.
x

 

[Twinkle81]

Hi There,

I would like to say that my husband was exactly the same, dead against Homebirths altogether. My Son was my second but my husbands first child so I was adamant I didn’t want to go to hospital. My husband on the other hand was saying, “what if something goes wrong”, “I would feel more comfortable having a doctor within calling distance” “if anything happens all the machines are there”. Bless him my husband is a worrier. He is pro doctors and pro rules. With him rules are there and everything is black and white for crying out loud he has exma and had cream provided, I also have exma but had run out of cream but he wouldn’t let me use his because it had his name on the prescription bottle…LOL I couldn’t stop laughing . You may wonder how on earth I deal with this as my whole world is full of colour and made of rules that were meant to be broken…LOL we clash a lot hehe

Anyway, I did a lot of research and let my husband know that you actually get more 1 on 1 care at a home birth than you do in hospital. Not the mw’s in hospitals fault just short staffed but when I had darling daughter my poor mw had 4 ladies in labour to look after so she was going from room to room. Where as at home you have 1 mw just for you constantly and who is not going anywhere apart from to use the loo also when you are ready to push you then have 2 MW’s with you. They keep such a close eye on you and the baby that if there is any hint of distress in the baby they will advise you to go to hospital and you can get there in an ambulance which (for me) wouldn’t take that long at all. And they prepare you in the ambulance for anything that needs to be don’t in the hospital so really it’s the same amount of time as they would have to prepare you in the hospital too.

Also for me depending on the time you give birth and then get wheeled up to the ward usually your hubby is not aloud on the ward at certain times and I would be left alone with our baby when it should be our time as a family. Also I was stuck on the bed with a monitor strapped around me so I wasn’t aloud to move about where at home I had the freedom to move about and relax.

Also getting to know the MW during all the antenatal visits was great for hubby and me as she came to our house and got to know the family (including my daughter who was 6 at the time), the mw also answered any questions he might have better than I could. Another thing was she said at any time I felt I couldn’t cope any more we could go to hospital as soon as I liked. So if she arrived and I said I don’t think I wasn’t to do this at home, we would go to hospital and she would stay with us.

On the night of our sons birth my hubby was great as nothing went to plan, but as we were well prepared (because of our fabulous MW) hubby coped well and he said it was great as we were at home and he felt in control as it was his own environment, he said he may have felt funny in the hospital.

Now we are having this little squishy the first thing he said was so it will be another home birth then, with a smile on his face as he is now all about the home births and recommends it to anyone who will listen. just keep talking with your hubby and find out what he actually has a problem with and research all of those things.

Sorry this was so long but its such a great experience I wanted to let you know all the ways I convinced my anti homebirth hubby to become a pro homebirth hubby

Good Luck xxxx