Daddy jitters?

[alicarr74]

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years and married for almost 2. We were ttcing for a year, right when we were about to give up when we were told that everything checked out for both of us, I was on clomid and ovulating and had gotten pregnant once but lost my angel, and his boys were great. A week later we got pregnant.

I am now almost 23 weeks and I of course have had the ups and downs of hormones, but our relationship has been great, until this past week. He has decided he wants a temporary separation at least for now to work on himself and we have discussed even the possibilities of what we are going to do with our baby if we are not together.

I am terrified, specifically of postpartum depression due to the fact that the man I have loved for so many years and the man I am having a child with, may not be my husband by the time I give birth to our Holly.

Everyone keeps saying it could be prebaby jitters, but I am terrified it isn't. My three questions are, is anyone in the same boat? Do you think it is prebaby jitters and how has anyone gone along this same path of being married, getting pregnant, and the relationship ending before the baby is due?

 

[EmzyJA]

Oh you poor thing I'm sorry I don't really have any advice but sorry to hear you're going through this especially while pregnant. Has he given you any reasoning behind this at all??

 

[whigfield]

I'm so sorry to hear this, that must be really tough. I haven't experienced this myself so I don't really have any advice, but hopefully it sounds like daddy jitters to me as you say? Could you two sit down and hash out everything that's worrying him?

 

[gonimi]

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years and married for almost 2. We were ttcing for a year, right when we were about to give up when we were told that everything checked out for both of us, I was on clomid and ovulating and had gotten pregnant once but lost my angel, and his boys were great. A week later we got pregnant.

I am now almost 23 weeks and I of course have had the ups and downs of hormones, but our relationship has been great, until this past week. He has decided he wants a temporary separation at least for now to work on himself and we have discussed even the possibilities of what we are going to do with our baby if we are not together.

I am terrified, specifically of postpartum depression due to the fact that the man I have loved for so many years and the man I am having a child with, may not be my husband by the time I give birth to our Holly.

Everyone keeps saying it could be prebaby jitters, but I am terrified it isn't. My three questions are, is anyone in the same boat? Do you think it is prebaby jitters and how has anyone gone along this same path of being married, getting pregnant, and the relationship ending before the baby is due?

Hi alicarr! I am really sorry to hear this. I am in a somewhat similar boat. I am not married but i have been with my partner for 11 years now in committed relationship. The topic of babies brought on a lot of unresolved issues for us. Namely, I wanted, and he didn't for the last three years. I just turned 38. Our relationship was otherwise wonderful and this is truly someone I deeply love. After a temporary separation in December and couples therapy since February we decided to TTC for the first time last cycle. I really thought i was pregnant at once, even though I wasn't. And he was very sweet even saying he was sad I wasn't pregnant. We TTCd again about 10 days ago, in an idyllic setting on a beach vacation, but all of a sudden out of nowhere, he produced a mega crisis, with doubts about whether he wants children or not, whether he wants to be with me or not. I don't think I am pregnant even though i am 12 DPO and have not tested. I am not sure what i will do. Things are a little better now. He is away on a business trip and we are going to couples therapy again next week. At this point, I don't even know if it's better to be pregnant or not. What I do know is that I can't be around his ambivalence much longer. It's really hurting my soul.

So I am glad you posted. Perhaps we can cheer each other up through this. Hope things will get better soon. For me, clarity in either direction is more important than anything. I realize my position may be slightly different because i don't think I am pregnant while you have a confirmed pregnancy. Keep me posted.

 

[ToughhGal]

I have sort of experienced this. But it happened at the beginning. When I first found out he was distant and we fought a lot. Some days I really thought this would be the end of everything we fought so hard to create.

I hope it is just jitters and he realizes that a family is amazing. If you need anything feel free to talk!

 

[odouglass]

I am so sorry to hear this. I don't have experience with this, but I really hope that it is just Daddy Jitters.... I am not sure how much talking you've done with him about it, as far as why he feels that this is a good path to take right now?! Praying for you all.

 

[Nikko88]

Wow, not an easy situation. I don't really have any answers to your questions except to say that getting pregnant is a life changing experience. I know I struggle daily with worry and fears as well as hope and expectations.

Like someone else mentioned, the pregnancy may have brought up some unresolved issues for your husband. Perhaps some couples counseling could help you both come to terms with this redefinition of your relationship and identify what's behind his sudden change.

 

[Gnomer]

Although I don't share your boat, I do have experience of daddy jitters. Between the 12 week scan and 20 week scan, my OH has a bit of a blip. Mainly spending more time in the pub than he normally does. He did it with our first and he's done it with this one. I'm not sure why, I just leave him to it with a few sulks during.

Hang in there sweets. In sorry I can't be any help, but you can always rant here. Get it all out and vent.

 

[kimmy04]

I can sort of relate. When I got pregnant with my son at 20, it was totally unplanned. We had been dating for a long time but neither of us were ready to be parents. He was excited at first and after we found out it was a boy he couldn't wait to be a dad. As birth got closer he started pulling away and spending all his time with his friends and was never home, started partying and drinking every weekend. This lasted up until our son was a few months old and I went to stay with friends because I couldn't take his childish behavior anymore.

Fast forward a few years, we are married, he is a wonderful devoted dad and we were TTC #2 for 8 months and we are now expecting our daughter. He is so excited and so involved in our sons life. It was honestly like a switch just flipped one day and he grew up and realized what he was missing out on. I'm so thankful he realized it on his own terms with out me pushing him. He is seriously amazing now and our son just adores his dad.

I really believe he just got scared closer to actually becoming a dad and wasn't sure how to be a good parent, but he learned. I'm sure your hubby is also just scared and that he will come around (hopefully before baby is born)!

 

[lilmonkey86]

I had a ton of fights with DH near the beginning of this pregnancy, i think part of it was me being hormonal, and part of it was him being terrified of becoming a new dad, it sounds to me like your DH has the daddy jitters, my DH still questions some days if i really believe he can be a good dad. I just make sure to reassure him and it seems to help, maybe sit down and outright ask your DH, is this happening out of fear of being a dad or do you actually want out? only pose this question if you actually want the answer, maybe also tell him that whether you and him are together or not you think he will be a great dad, if you didn't think that you would not be having his baby! DH always seems to get a smile on his face when I say that, sometimes I think their insecurities get the best of them and even though they will never admit it, alot of guys fear that you just use them for their so you have to reassure them thats not the case!

 

[MamaLa]

Im somewhat in the same boat currently, I'm starting to feel like my OH is being an ass, not answering my calls or texts in a timely manner or even calling me back. He says that he's not ignoring me by any means, but is either busy or "Sleeping". Like what a lame excuse. How hard is it to pick up the phone, and especially when he uses his phone a lot for work. Over the weekend he didn't contact me for like 30 hrs. I seriously thought he was dead or hurt. Then last night we were supposed to get together, I call he tells me that he was out, and would be home in a hr. I waited 2 hrs went to pick up some food, and I'm calling and calling him no freaking answer. Thrn he calls me after 11pm. I was and am furious. I refuse to talk to him currently. I can't deal with how rude, and inconsiderate he's been. Only thing I can think about is him being like this when the baby gets here.

 

[Traveling]

My husband and I have been married for over 4 years but we recently had the worst fight of our entire relationship when I was 22 weeks pregnant. I really doubted our relationship and thought about separation, which led him to think about divorce, and all of a sudden, we were in the exact same situation you are in now.

Trust me, I packed my bags and cried about the idea being a single mom and going through a divorce the entire time. BUT we sat down and talked it all out.

He said he had been distancing himself recently (since the second trimester) because he felt like I was hormonal, emotional, and unreasonable. He thought that if this was going to be the rest of his life, it would be better if we went our separate ways. Maybe it was all a mistake. But after we talked, he realized that the woman he loves and married is still there, just masked by pregnancy hormones. "So… it's like you're having one really long period." Yeah, if that's the only way for him to understand how out of control my emotions are right now, then yes. But I needed him to validate my feelings and support me, even if he doesn't understand why.

I don't know if this helps at all, but perhaps your husband just needs to be reminded that you are still the same person he fell in love with and married. Pregnancy is rough on you and him but it doesn't last forever. Soon, your baby will be born and you're both going to be stronger for it.

 

[RcdM]

'Traveling' that was well said. I think it might be daddy jitters. Has he ever acted this way before in any other situation before you were pregnant? If this isn't normal for him, I'd like to lean towards daddy jitters. It may just have hit him that things are going to change drastically and he's going to have to go through a whole different set of responsibilities. Maybe he feels that things are going to change so much and he's worried about how you and he will still manage to stay in love with everything else going on? He might just need a little bit of time to be alone with his thoughts, sort out his feelings, and let him miss you a little bit. But I agree that you two need to sit down and have a talk and figure out the root of the problem so you can talk through it, create a plan, discuss each other's thoughts and feelings and I bet you will both feel much better.

My and my SO were TTC our first for almost 8 or 9 months. I had really irregular cycles so it was hard. We tried a lot of different things, blood work and all the TTC stuff and he'd always pat my tummy and ask if there was a baby in there. When I finally found out I was pregnant, I was so excited and could barely contain myself. Literally. I was jumping up and down in the bathroom and saying OMG OMG OMG over and over. I expected his reaction to be the same, but when I told him, he just sat there in shock and barely said anything. It took him a few days to even want to talk about it and I felt so confused like he didn't want this or something when all along he seemed so excited to be TTC. He later said it's one thing to talk about it, but it's totally different when it's actually real.

So maybe that's how your husband is feeling, only maybe it's hit him a little later than mine. I have a feeling he'll come around soon. Hang in there!

 

[alicarr74]

Thank you so much ladies, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here, I have just been very lost and confused. Thank you to those that aren't in the same boat, but are still sympathetic and to those that have been in it and gave encouraging words.

He has had somewhat similar emotional cycles like this, usually every year to two years , it just so happens the last time this happened was after we got married about a year and a half ago where he was lost again. This time just seems much more serious, which is probably because we are about to have a baby.

This week has been better, but almost more confusing. He seems to be coming around to his normal self, but still distanced to a point. I just wish I really knew if this is the end of our relationship, or he will come around eventually, even if it is after Holly is born. I am just terrified, because we intended on ttcing for a second child some point after having Holly and I don't know if I can emotionally go through this all again, fearing being a single Mom. I hope no one ever has to go through this, and those that do, stay strong and I hope we all end up with the family we have all wanted all along!

 

[RcdM]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had some serious fights with my DH while pregnant, moreso with our first child than this one. Times where we both questioned our relationship and if it was going to work. In the moment, it felt like my world was crashing down around me. But time heals. If you guys work it out and things go back to normal, a year from now you'll look back and it won't hurt anymore and you won't remember the pain it brought, at least very much. So having another baby might totally be something you're okay with by then. And you guys can talk and make sure you have a plan to be there for each other during the next pregnancy and plan how to handle fights and conflicts and emotions. I'm sure you with both be fine. Pregnancy is a crazy time for women, but also very much for men. Once your daughter is here, all of this you're going through will be put so far on the back burner that it gets forgotten and you can move forward. I think he'll come around.

 

[alicarr74]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had some serious fights with my DH while pregnant, moreso with our first child than this one. Times where we both questioned our relationship and if it was going to work. In the moment, it felt like my world was crashing down around me. But time heals. If you guys work it out and things go back to normal, a year from now you'll look back and it won't hurt anymore and you won't remember the pain it brought, at least very much. So having another baby might totally be something you're okay with by then. And you guys can talk and make sure you have a plan to be there for each other during the next pregnancy and plan how to handle fights and conflicts and emotions. I'm sure you with both be fine. Pregnancy is a crazy time for women, but also very much for men. Once your daughter is here, all of this you're going through will be put so far on the back burner that it gets forgotten and you can move forward. I think he'll come around.

Thank you so much