Dating Advice: Is this a red flag? No ?s about my kid

[DobbyForever]

Hey ladies! Me again.

So I've been keeping a lid on having a kid pretty closed because a few law enforcement friends really urged me not to advertise being a single mom or that I have a young child. However, I've been talking to this guy and it really felt like it was going somewhere. He asked me out, and I started having awful anxiety because I hadn't told him I have a kid. He never asked if I had kids, and I was planning to tell him if the date went well. But after a couple sleepless nights, I told him. Side note, I actually slept through the night so I know I made the right choice.

He said that he appreciated the honesty, but he wasn't sure how he felt about dating someone with a kid and needed time to process. I thought that was very diplomatic, and I appreciated the honesty. We talked for a while about other things, but at the end of the call I reminded him I have a kid and I'm happy to answer any questions he has. He had none. Just said he needed to process it.

Is it weird that he doesn't have any questions? I always have so many when a guy says he has kids. My friends are all saying that maybe I just really shocked him, and he's genuinely just taking a moment to catch up to what I said. I feel like it means either A- he's stopped seeing long term potential so why bother asking or B- he's just genuinely disinterested in my child. I know I can't really do anything but wait it out. But ugh.

Thoughts?

 

[daneuse27]

Hey,

Former single mom here (for 6 years) eventually met my now-husband through online dating.. so I know what you're going through.

Is this guy still talking to you about other things, or has he been silent/ MIA since that revelation of you having a child? To me, so it doesn't sound like he is interested or deserving. Maybe after mulling things over and getting over the shock, he might warm up to the idea. But its possible he won't. I wouldn't count on it at this point. Sorry

I talked to countless men over the years I was a single mom; some were supportive and thoughtful about me having a child, and others didn't care.

I never hid that I had a child, personally. And if you're looking for something serious, then I would recommend putting it in your profile. You don't have to put the age or gender of your child, just that you're a mom of one and you're looking for someone who is understanding to your needs as a single mom. I understand there could be some safety risks, but as long as you don't let them meet your child until its serious and you trust them, then they won't have the opportunity to harm your child. None of the men I dated met my child other than the one I'm now married to. And we dated for several months before that happened. I trusted him fully by the time he finally did get to meet her.

Dating as a single mom was a challenge, but it showed me who people were a lot faster. And that helped me weed out the duds so that I could focus my time on the quality men.

 

[DobbyForever]

Thank you! I appreciate the detailed response!

We’re still talking every day. We text every day and usually chat on the phone every other. He did end up saying two days later that his parents remarried after kids/divorce and that several family members married partners who had kids from a previous relationship. We did end up keeping our date and have our next one set. And he has said mom without cringing lol. So it was nice to see him acknowledge me as a mom so I know he’s not in denial.

He still hasn’t asked for any additional details about my kid. My mom says that it’s respectful, and I wouldn’t answer them anyway at this point so stop worrying. He knows my child’s age, gender, and that I have full custody/dad has opted out of his life. So he has all the need to know info.

I just wish there was a handbook for these things. I really like him but I’ll drop him like it’s hot in a heartbeat if it’s not right for my kid.

 

[daneuse27]

Thank you! I appreciate the detailed response!

We’re still talking every day. We text every day and usually chat on the phone every other. He did end up saying two days later that his parents remarried after kids/divorce and that several family members married partners who had kids from a previous relationship. We did end up keeping our date and have our next one set. And he has said mom without cringing lol. So it was nice to see him acknowledge me as a mom so I know he’s not in denial.

He still hasn’t asked for any additional details about my kid. My mom says that it’s respectful, and I wouldn’t answer them anyway at this point so stop worrying. He knows my child’s age, gender, and that I have full custody/dad has opted out of his life. So he has all the need to know info.

I just wish there was a handbook for these things. I really like him but I’ll drop him like it’s hot in a heartbeat if it’s not right for my kid.

I'm glad to hear that you're still enjoying talking with him! Sorry if I sounded negative about it in my post. It was hard to know without knowing him. Maybe he is a quality guy and is just being respectful and doesn't want to pry for too much personal info too soon. I'd say enjoying getting to know him and spending time with him. You don't have to worry about whether he's 'the one' right away or anything. Just get to know him and let him get to know you.

 

[DobbyForever]

You didn’t sound negative at all. I thought your post was really insightful and helpful. There’s surprisingly little information or loads of conflicting information on the internet about dating as a single parent or raising kids as a single parent. I have a friend going through it, but she’s in a one sided competition with me so I can’t take her advice at face value. And I know I should trust my mom because she was widowed with two kids but the more the merrier. I’m trying to relax. Most of my exes were narcissistic and very manipulative, so there’s still some trauma of expecting to wake up one day and find I’ve been duped. Trying to ignore it.

 

[daneuse27]

You didn’t sound negative at all. I thought your post was really insightful and helpful. There’s surprisingly little information or loads of conflicting information on the internet about dating as a single parent or raising kids as a single parent. I have a friend going through it, but she’s in a one sided competition with me so I can’t take her advice at face value. And I know I should trust my mom because she was widowed with two kids but the more the merrier. I’m trying to relax. Most of my exes were narcissistic and very manipulative, so there’s still some trauma of expecting to wake up one day and find I’ve been duped. Trying to ignore it.

There were a couple books I read when I was single that really helped me with my mindset and attracting the right kinds of guys when I was dating.
One of them was called "Meeting your Half Orange." It felt like it was directed at young, childless ladies (as opposed to single moms) but it still had a lot of advice that was really relevant. I had always wondered why I was attracting losers, or jerks, and reading the advice in there helped me change my mindset about it and focus on attracting a quality guy.
There was also another book called Attached.. its about adult attachment styles. Knowing your attachment style can help you pick someone who can truly meet your needs. People who don't meet them (ie: they dont text back a lot, they play 'hard to get' they play games, etc) aren't necessarily doing it just to you, its often part of their own attachment style and recognizing that early on can save us from wasting our time if we're not a good match to them.
Being open and honest about our needs is ok too.
Right now its still new with this man, so I would just focus on enjoying the child-free dates with him.
Not sure if you're a book reader (I am lol) but if you're open to reading I think those are worth the time.
Wish you all the best with this!

 

[DobbyForever]

Thanks! I don't mind reading, it's just finding the time to read haha. But I'll definitely keep my eyes out for those titles! I've done a lot of personal therapy work during quarantine, it's just hard to trust still. I won't be devastated if things don't work out or he turns out to just be another really smooth talking guy, especially if I figure that out before he meets my son. I don't want people in and out of his life.

 

[DobbyForever]

Just posting to update, definitely should have been a red flag. While he is a nice guy, he has no interest in getting into a serious relationship with me. Just wanted a stable booty call.

 

[Bevziibubble]

so sorry to hear that

 

[DobbyForever]

Thanks Bev . I always appreciate your support. Makes all the drama less dramatic lol. I’m ok though. Back into the whole maybe I do have to choose between logistical and emotional needs. My stepdad wants to get me golf lessons so I can go hunt for me at some of the nearby golf clubs

 

[Bevziibubble]

Good idea with the golf lessons!

 

[Zakhar]

Honestly, it sounds like he's taking time to figure out if he's ready for that kind of responsibility, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn’t read too much into the lack of questions just yet—some people need space before they know what to ask.

 

[jerfer]

You were brave to share your truth, and his pause might just mean he’s processing the shift.