Decision made

[twinklestar25]

Well I've gone back and forth for years whether to have a number 3 child, verging on going crazy at times. But it's come down to now is the time to make the final decision with the kids ages and my age (31 but wouldn't want leave it too much longer). So to get to the point we've decided to not have a 3rd! The times when I've been so adamant I wanted one even to crying about it to hubby but he has always been thinking about the expense, the house, car, holidays etc and before I knew all these things but also the urge was so strong. We've just returned from honeymoon where we weren't as careful as we should be so I've spent the past 2 weeks thinking I might be pregnant. Some days I've hoped I was and others hoped I wasn't. I've got many opportunities coming at work which wouldn't be as easy or may even lose them if I had another baby, plus when I realised how much I'd have to spend in nursery costs for the 3 of them to enable me to work it's madness! £300 a week during school holidays! So yes it would be nice to add another sinking, have a bigger family, donut one last time etc BUT the reality is it would be hard hard work and so expensive and my career would suffer. So it's now obvious we shouldn't have another. Everyone seems to expect us to as we've just gotten married and lots do have 3 and prob with having 2 boys people expect we will have another but no, it's ok for family to say that they don't have to find them and look after them!
I know it's long but I've spent the past 4 years thinking about this and I think I thought it would be other way and we would go for a 3rd, it's a huge decision for me by everything is screaming don't do it rite now, our whole situation and circumstances. It's perfect as it is and I don't want to ruin that. Our boys are 7&4 and we're now able to do much more fun things.
I may look back and wonder what it may of been like, but I will know I made the right decision for our family and our children as they will have a wonderful childhood with school activities, day trips, family meals out and holidays etc which wouldn't be so easy with 3, we can live comfortably and have nice things, not struggle through at times which we prob would with a 3rd due to changes needing be made to the house, a bigger car to run, more expensive day trips and holidays and an extra mouth to feed in itself must cost so much more! So I don't think I will regreat not having another as I know it's the right descion for us.
Think I'm going to get the coil so that I don't have I think about it anymore, so nice that I can move on now! So decision finally made and I'm actually happy with it! Phew!

 

[CaliDreaming]

I am in the same position you are--my kids are 6 and 3. I've just closed the door on my previous dream of 3 children and am seriously considering permanent birth control options. As badly as I want a third, when I think of the sacrifices we'd all have to make to add a third...I just can't fathom going through it all again. Just can't imagine it. It's a tug of war between my heart and my brain and my brain always wins out. If it happens for us it will have to be a mega oops.

It's hard though because when you see other families with three children, you see only the positives and none of the hardships that come along with it. I don't feel sad about it much but every now and then I see families of five and I feel sorry for myself. I imagine these feelings start to go away as the children get older and we're enjoying the freedoms that come along with it. I notice that I only get wobbly when I see families with young children.

 

[twinklestar25]

It's so hard, such a big life changing decision. I was up and down for years, I'd gradually go longer without thinking about it but it always came back. that's exactly true we only see it through rose tinted glasses, it's a different story when it's day in day out with 3, not just the fun christmases/holidays and days out (which don't always go well in my family anyway! Usually someone complaining about something!) you see 1 minuet of a family's life that might look idealistic but who knows how the rest of the days gone for them, could of been mayhem. I couldn't risk having a difficult baby when I've got 2 children already, it wouldn't be fare and not sure I'd keep my sanity! My mind is deffinatley made up, I've started the pill today.

Maybe focus on the benefits of sticking with 2, sleep, lots of sleep has got to be top of my list! There are so many benefits that I'm sure you've heard and considered all before. When I was feeling down about it I'd do something that we couldn't easily do if we had a baby, book a nice holiday, go to the cinema etc

Yes it may get easier as they get older and you move further away from the baby stage, it would be a big jump for us to go back now, we've come so far. xx

 

[CaliDreaming]

Sounds like you're now very confident about your decision. I was confident I wanted three until recently and then I just couldn't bring myself to start trying. I hope those moments of regret when I see families of five fade away soon.

Yeah, I think it would help to focus on the benefits of having just two. There is a beautiful symmetry with families of four. I totally understand why most families in the developed world have no more than two. I think the rebel in me hates the fact that it's all so perfect and practical. Sometimes I feel like a kid who's mad she can't get seconds of dessert.

Also, I sometimes find myself trying to look at the negative side of having three. My brother and his three kids were visiting us last weekend, and as they were leaving, I saw that he add all three kids crammed into the back seat. It looked really uncomfortable for the kids and nerve wracking for the parents--they had a 7+ hour drive back home. As they get older, one of them is going to have to sit in the way back seat, and I was thinking that I wouldn't have the heart to choose which of my kids had to sit back there all alone.

I do similar thinking with their activities. If I had a third, I'd have to scale back on some of the activities for my oldest child, and I had trouble picking which one, because she loves them all so.

 

[Koifish]

Just been lurking in this section trying to decide on tubal litigation or not. I have twins and hubby and I talked back and forth for a bit about one day having a third but decided financially it wasn't possible, we can't upgrade the car, we have a small 3 bedroom, daycare cost would drive me out of work, etc. We decided it definitely wasn't happening and we were happy with it. We can still currently do vacation and things for the kids. We are comfortable. I kind of felt the same way as each of you. I started birth control and all was great.

Except I ve now become the oppsie.

Then came the big surprise of number 3, which I am currently pregnant with. All of my fears from the con list are now becoming reality and it's a hard one to swallow. We will no longer be comfortable but likely scraping by, having to cram 3 kids into one row and my twins will now be crammed into sharing a room (which they may have ended up doing anyway), I'll have to quit my job as childcare is more then I make a month for 3 which makes it harder and I feel nothing but guilt over it all. I ve not been excited but more overwhelmed and stressed. I was happy we were set it was all going to be great and I feel like it's all ruined especially because we made that decision to be done and I was at peace with it. I by no means have ill feelings toward my baby and I know I'll love her, it's that comfort of knowing and the insanity that lies ahead.

The grass is definitely not always greener on the other side. Maybe it'll give you comfort in knowing you likely made a good decision for your family and you know that you can be comfortable and do the things you want to as a family or for your family. I am sure you will both be very happy and just fine. There will always be the thought of what if with just about any decision you make so go with the one that works best for your family!

 

[twinklestar25]

Awww koifish, I think things happen for a reason your 3rd was obviously meant to be here. I know we stress about the all the practical things when we're waying up the pros and cons, but there's been many a time when the broodiness was so much that I've thought I want it so much that we will get through any obstacles.
And although I've listed many reasons to not have a 3rd half of that is probably talking myself out of it and trying to make myself feel better because yes it prob would be madness to plan a 3rd but I would still of loved to have one.

Now that you are in the position you need to try and forget all the reasons not too and work a way around making it work in the best way for you.
Because that's what we would all do and your baby wasn't unwanted,not ideal maybe but still wanted and all these things that take a little more thinking through and organising you will sort it out.
Once your little one goes to preschool you may be able to go back to work too, just think we on here wanted a 3rd and maybe a little sad we have chosen not too, that's why I'm here today as now and then I question my decision and try and remember why I've made it but we never really know if it's truly the right one either way, I don't think there's any winners as either we decide not to have another and left wondering was it right, what would it of been like, have the occasional wistfulness etc or we decide to go ahead and then feel guilty/ struggle to work out the changes etc

I'm sure it's hit a little harder with you been decided against but try and turn it into a positive, if it hadn't of happened in this way you wouldn't of ended up with your little girl (I noticed your having a girl) and I'm sure while it feels a little overwhelming now, when you hold her in your arms and by then you will have a plan, your Tiny baby girl it will feel exactly right.

Your getting to have the baby, your heart wanted this but your head worries about the practicalities, now you just need to figure it out how you will make it work. Try and enjoy it, likely your last baby/pregnancy etc the baby is coming no matter what so you might as well enjoy all the lovely bits, if you've now gotten over the initial shock!

I see your expecting a little girl and you have 2 boys, how lovely that must be. You may feel envious of us and question your position but we or at least I also feel envious of you and question my desocion all the time! You see, no winners.

There are many threads about the good things of having 3, have a read through them, they will make you feel better.

Congratulations, keep us updated xx

 

[WackyMumof2]

I was CERTAIN when I found out I was pregnant with DS3 I wanted my tubes tied. I struggled for so long to accept that he was there and growing. I finally got my head around it and a good friend pointed out an almost 7 year gap between Brayden-Lee (DS2) and Alexander. I cast my head back to the stories I heard from my mother about being the baby of 4 with the smallest gap being 7 years between her and the 3rd sibling and I thought I can't do it. Hubby has several sisters but he was raised an only child and he often felt alone too. We didn't want that for Alexander so we decided #4 and that is it. He's desperate for his little girl (looks likely at the moment that baby is a girl) and I've told him before, even if he get's a 4th son, I'm done. I'll be 33 November and I can't put myself though a 5th (or more) pregnancy for our own needs. I'll consider a 5th and 6th but it isn't for us but for my cousin who most likely will never be able to carry her own children. I personally feel I'm too old to keep having babies although it will feel strange not having one in the house anymore. But I want to have my family then be able to focus on a career. 4 sons or 3 sons and a girl, I'm done.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Koifish, congratulations on your baby girl!! I think twinklestar was spot on in her response. I guess the hardest part about having children and life in general is accepting that a lot of times we don't have much control. Some people want a certain number of children, some want certain genders. Some want careers and others want to devote all their time to their families.

Whenever I find myself getting down, I just remind myself that no one gets everything they want and so you have to learn to be happy with what you have. Isn't it funny how you look at other people who have everything you want, but those people still aren't happy? Certain parts of your life may not be what you wanted, but you certainly have other parts that will make up for it.