Deep empitness, the loss of our little girl

[Beaglemama]

Hello everyone. First, let me express my condolences for everyone on this board. This is a thread I was hoping I would never have to make.

Monday afternoon my husband and I went in to my OBGYN's for a heartbeat check. For the past month we have been holding our breath, waiting to see if our 20 week old girl would survive a grim prognosis. Each week my doctor would put the doppler on my belly, and loud and clear we'd hear the unmistakable beating of our daughter's heart. Monday, however, all was silent. No movement, no wooshing, no sound. Our ultrasound confirmed what we already knew. Our little girl was still. Her swelling was so severe, I couldn't even make sense of what we were looking at on the ultrasound screen. Our once fidgety and active baby was gone.

At the hospital I was induced, and after a painful 10 hours delivered our lifeless little girl. The nurse cleaned her for us, and placed her in my lap. My husband and I looked at her, touched her little toes, held her tiny hand with all of its perfect fingers. I didn't even say "I love you". Why didn't I? All I could say was "I'm so sorry." The last image of her was the nurse carrying her out of the room, wrapped in a blanket, and she was gone. I was later wheeled out of labor and delivery, wheeled down to my car. I passed women also being sent home, their wheel chairs full of balloons and flowers, holding their babies. I was wheeled out alone, in pain, holding a memory box. A stupid box.

I feel so empty inside. The first night at home, I just laid in bed hating how still I felt. No movement, no flutters, just emptiness. I was desperate to have her with me. I slept with her unworn baby clothes. A little purple dress I had bought and surprised my husband with when I found out I was pregnant. Each night since has been different. Some nights I have to sleep with the door to her room left open, or the light left on. How irrational that I'm afraid to turn out the light in her room because I don't want her to be scared of the dark.

Now, each day, I feel waves of strength and waves of sorrow wash over me. A cruel and painful insult to injury is that my milk has come in. I am swollen and engorged. Just another reminder of what should've been. I'm trying to focus on the future. Someday I hope to have a happy ending. My husband and I have no children, our daughter Madison was our first. The thought of going back to "just us" is unbearable right now. So I set my sights on the horizon. Sometimes clouds of pain distort my view. But I know that I will grow stronger. Maybe, hopefully, one day I'll have my rainbow baby. I've been told a rainbow baby is the birth of a child after a loss. Just like after a dark storm there's the hope of a rainbow, I know after these dark days will be the promise of brighter days to come.

If anyone has any advice, or even just sympathies on how to cope with this emptiness, please feel free to write. With prayer and by the strength of family, friends, each other, and ourselves, we will keep moving forward on our path to better days.

Take care everyone.

 

[sharan]

Hun, I've read your post with great sadness.

I lost my son at 22 weeks about a week and half ago. It is absolutely terrible what happens. The worst as you say is your body thinking it needs to start catering for a baby and starts to produce milk.

But please take heart in knowing that with each day that passes it will get easier. You don't get over it or at least I haven't. However you do come to accept it. The one thing you have to remember is that it's not your fault. You had no control over what happens xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I was like this also after i lost my Ava. I lost her at 20 weeks, I gave birth in my bathroom was rushed to the hospital . We held her for an hour and we buried her on 3-11-2011. Ava was a surprise to us, I already have 3 boys 21,18 and 12, she was my surprise when i turned 40. I never in a million years thought i would get pregnant at 40 nor did i ever think i would have a daughter. This has killed me inside and completely changed me I miss her so much and go to her grave every week. I am 42 and to terrified to try again, i just can't ever go through this again. My Sister-In-Law is 27 weeks and just seeing her pregnant kills me, but i keep it in, she is 38. If I was a little younger i would have tryed again. All I can say is you never get over this, some days are better some not so, but time really does help. I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Madison Emptiness will always be there but you do reach acceptance . I know this is so hard and it is true when they say there is no greater pain than loosing a child. I promise things will get easier with some time. I am always here if you ever need to talk.
Andrea..XXOOXO

I see you live in Florida, my dad lives in Boca Raton..

 

[lch28]

Honey I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your little girl. Reading what you wrote I felt like i was reading something I wrote myself. I lost my baby girl in February. I was 23 weeks pregnant. There are many stages of grief that you will go through. Allow yourself that.. don't ever question your feelings. I know that this is not what you want to hear and it seems impossible.. but it does get easier as time goes on. When people said that to me at first i thought it was impossible - how could anything make this better? Someone on here told me one day id be able to think of my baby girl and smile. I was almost angry. I have come to realize it is true. I feel blessed that I had Sophia in my life, even for such a short time.

 

[Beaglemama]

Ladies I am so, SO sorry for your losses. Thank you for your kind words and support. I just feel so empty inside. Tonight my husband and I went out with some family to a wine tasting, something we used to enjoy doing. But the whole time I just kept thinking to myself how desperately I want to be pregnant again, how much I miss my Madison. God, I miss her more than I could've ever imagined. I keep hoping, daydreaming, about my rainbow baby... I know that time will come. And I know it's only been a little over a week, but I just wish I could fast forward time and enjoy our happy ending now... but I'll be patient. I'll keep loving and missing my baby girl... and look forward to much brighter days ahead. I have my first dr appt on Monday - I'm hoping for good news! Maybe I'll even get the go ahead to ttc again soon. It will NEVER replace my little Madison, but I can't wait to tell our future children how strong and beautiful their sister is.

Take care everyone.

 

[lch28]

aww honey i know.. i also felt for a long time i just could not enjoy anything.. the empty feeling will subside with time. everything you feel is 100% normal. The feeling of missing your baby is so painful. One time i was upset and told my friend I missed Sophia. Her response - "but you never even knew her" things people say can really be upsetting. You will always love your daughter, and of course you aren't trying to replace her. I know just how you feel. I hope you can ttc soon and get a quick bfp and have your rainbow baby. It is healing. If you ever need to talk i am here

 

[SabrinaKat]

I am so sorry about your loss -- mine was 7-8wks, so not quite the same, but I wanted to tell you how strong and brave you are -- it will be hard and difficult, but keep the hope alive for your rainbow (it did for me, after two years post-mc) and know that you will always remember your LLO (lost little one), Madison....

best wishes

ps. the ladies here on the loss forums are all fantastic, so come whenever you need a hug or anything!

 

[Beaglemama]

Thank you ladies... I am feeling hopeful today. I have my Dr appt this afternoon and I am hoping for some good news! I feel like my body is starting to mend, and I'm feeling stronger emotionally too. I still have bad times, but I've been doing a few things in our daughter's memory, and that has helped. There's a beautiful memorial park in my town dedicated to families who have lost a child. My husband and I visited there this weekend and found a beautiful willow tree we are wanting to adopt in Madison's memory. We also have been making memorial cards with her footprints on it for our family. Sometimes I get angry, thinking I don't even want to be doing this, but I can't change what's happened, I can only accept it. And these beautiful memorial cards help me honor my precious little girl.

If all goes well today, I might start on the TTCAL thread... maybe thinking and dreaming of the future will help heal the past.

You ladies are wonderful, and I can't thank you enough for your support! Take care everyone.

 

[Hopeful 4 #1]

I am so sorry for your loss hun x

 

[Lottelotte]

I am so sorry for your loss

Xx

 

[jeh7971]

To all you ladies on here, I am so very sorry for your losses. xx

 

[Soccergurl3]

So sorry for your loss hun!

 

[Beaglemama]

Thanks everyone... this is a long road, but I'm starting to feel like myself again.

My husband and I have gone on a few date nights, we're going out with friends... it's hard and I still have ups and downs, but I'm getting there. I'm really looking forward to TTC our Rainbow. We still have a few weeks to wait, but at least I have hope on the horizon.

Yesterday I made a huge step and am proud of myself. My husband and I went back to the hospital where I delivered Madison. I had a few things I wanted to say to the nurses who helped me, so I wrote them cards and delivered them in person. I wanted to thank them for how well they treated me. Pulling up to the hospital was so difficult, I started sweating and felt like I couldn't even breathe. My husband offered to just keep driving, to not go in, but I wanted to. I needed to. Once I gained my determination back, I did it. Walked in the doors, up the same elevators, down the same hall, into Labor and Delivery. I saw the room where I gave birth. It was like revisiting a weird dream... but being able to see the nurses again was wonderful! There were 2 in particular that really helped me, and I am so grateful for them. As soon as they saw us they came up and gave us hugs, told me how good I look, I gave them their cards and some chocolates (which they were very happy about ) and it gave me SO much closure! I walked out of the hospital with my head up - it almost felt like I'd come full circle. And I know someday I'll be back in that hospital, giving birth to my beautiful, healthy baby. Hopefully someday soon!

 

[Buddysmum89]

I never really cry at posts but at the moment i have tears in my eyes. . Your story has touched me!.

All i can say is im thinking of you at this really difficult time , i know its not easy at the moment but as time goes on it will heel you you just have to give it time!. I know how frustrating and heartbreaking a loss can be, ive had 2 myself...But between you and me..Rainbow babies do exist

Sending lots of hugs your way

 

[Beaglemama]

Thank you for your kind words, Buddysmum, that means a lot to me. And I'm so sorry for your losses too.

I'm really happy that you've found happiness and have your Rainbow. Thank you for giving me hope. I know my Rainbow is out there, too, I just haven't gotten to it yet...

 

[BlessedWomb]

Sorry about your loss... Miss. Madison will play on the playgrounds of heaven with little Raheem. Only God may know why. But know that we will see them again. God, sometimes I wish I could go on home to God right away. But, my job here on earth isn't finished. May God bless us with more children than we could ever ask for... lol!!!!

 

[Beaglemama]

Thanks blessedwomb - you've been very supportive And I know God may have allowed our little ones to pass away, but he also gives us the hope that we'll see them again. I know this, and remind myself of it all the time. But, in the meantime, it's hard isn't it? I feel, at times, that all I want to do now is have a big family. At first I only wanted 2 children, but now, I just so desperately want to fill this void in my heart, this emptiness in my arms, that I feel like I want as many children as possible! Even though I know none of them can ever replace what we've lost But at least having our Rainbows will give us sweet little ones to pour some of this love into. It's hard to know what to do with these feelings, and nowhere to channel them.

I did start a project that's helping me - I cut out lots of little pieces of paper. On each piece I write down a different emotion I've felt during this loss. From feeling 'broken' to 'love' 'sadness' or 'strength' - I write them all down. For now, I'm just putting them all in a box, but maybe in a while, I'll do something with them. I'm not sure what my plan is... but it helps to put my feelings down in writing.

It also helps to have such wonderful support from all you ladies xx

 

[BlessedWomb]

Thanks blessedwomb - you've been very supportive And I know God may have allowed our little ones to pass away, but he also gives us the hope that we'll see them again. I know this, and remind myself of it all the time. But, in the meantime, it's hard isn't it? I feel, at times, that all I want to do now is have a big family. At first I only wanted 2 children, but now, I just so desperately want to fill this void in my heart, this emptiness in my arms, that I feel like I want as many children as possible! Even though I know none of them can ever replace what we've lost But at least having our Rainbows will give us sweet little ones to pour some of this love into. It's hard to know what to do with these feelings, and nowhere to channel them.

I did start a project that's helping me - I cut out lots of little pieces of paper. On each piece I write down a different emotion I've felt during this loss. From feeling 'broken' to 'love' 'sadness' or 'strength' - I write them all down. For now, I'm just putting them all in a box, but maybe in a while, I'll do something with them. I'm not sure what my plan is... but it helps to put my feelings down in writing.

It also helps to have such wonderful support from all you ladies xx

I'm glad to be of help. You have been the same. It really is hard. So hard, hard, hard.

But, like you I to want more children now. I only wanted 1. But, now I feel like I could have a family as big as the Duggars.

I like the idea of putting your feelings in a box. It gave me in a idea. Something of putting them in a bottle maybe with some sand. I've never been to the ocean, but if I could just let them all sail away. Hmmmm... now you got me thinking.

 

[Beaglemama]

Blessed_womb - I know it's hard we're all doing our best. I'm so glad we have such great support among each other

It's funny you mentioned the Duggers!! I was thinking about them - did you know they recently lost a baby (I think a girl?) around 16 weeks. I read about their history... they lost their second child as well, I think the baby was stillborn, similar to what we went through. It was because of that experience that they decided to stop using birth control and leave things in God's hands! So obviously we're not the only ones to feel this way! It got me thinking... I only have a 3 bedroom house... how many kids could I fit in here? Seriously, though, I'll just be overwhelming grateful to have one!!

I'm glad you like my idea! I think I've figured out what to do with all the slips of paper once I'm done. On December 20th, Madison's due date, I want to do something special. Our plan is to go to the ocean and release a balloon. I guess it will symbolize us, not "letting go" of her in a bad way, but, I don't know, releasing some of the pain. So what I'm thinking is I'll somehow attach my pieces of paper to that balloon. I'd like to find a way to actually put the papers in the balloon itself. That way it'll be like I am letting go of all this hurt, all these conflicting emotions, and just letting the breeze take them away. I'll honor my sweet baby girl and give loose to all the emotions that have come from her loss... I'd like to see all those papers, representing my hurt, my pain, my deep sadness, float further and further away... and I'll I'm left with is a sense of nostalgia and loving memories of my precious daughter. I don't know, it's just a thought. I'm working it out. There's so much I'd like to do, and am doing. I think it all helps us find peace and a measure of closure.

I hope everyone is doing ok today!! Take care xxxx

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Beaglemama, well done to you for going back to the hospital to thank the nurses. That is truly courageous I hope the next time we all step foot in a labour ward is for happy reasons and we get to bring our rainbows into this world safely.

A few days after Freya's funeral we went up to the highlands of Scotland to a little town with the most beautiful beach. Me & DH spent a morning on the beach, walking and talking about Freya. We wrote her name in the sand and took photos of it. It was something that gave us alot of comfort.
I like your idea of releasing the balloon too, im dreading my due date but I want to do something like you both mentioned for our little girl xxx