Deep empitness, the loss of our little girl

[mhazzab]

Beaglemama, well done to you for going back to the hospital to thank the nurses. That is truly courageous I hope the next time we all step foot in a labour ward is for happy reasons and we get to bring our rainbows into this world safely.

A few days after Freya's funeral we went up to the highlands of Scotland to a little town with the most beautiful beach. Me & DH spent a morning on the beach, walking and talking about Freya. We wrote her name in the sand and took photos of it. It was something that gave us alot of comfort.
I like your idea of releasing the balloon too, im dreading my due date but I want to do something like you both mentioned for our little girl xxx

Beaglemama I'm so sorry for your loss .
You have been so brave to go back to the hospital, I only did this when I did my antenatal classes for my rainbow, the first time I tried to do it I broke down and ran out like a crazy person...managed the second time though. I think it's amazing you could do it so soon it really is facing a demon. I really hope you are back again soon with a little rainbow sibling for your angel.

Pink - I hope the funeral went 'ok' and I'm glad you found some peace at the beach...I'm up in the highlands and there's a few beaches nearby us...I always find peace there too, as we went a lot after losing the girls.

I dreaded my due date but it turned out not to be too bad. Mine was actually October 15th, international babyloss day where people light candles for lost babies, I posted a message on my fb with my candles, and so many of my friends responded with pictures of their lit candles for my girls...I was so touched! We went away for the day, held hands and talked about them. Two days later I found out I was pregnant, I think my girls sent me a special present.

Big hugs girls...your babies will never be forgotten xx

 

[Beaglemama]

mhazzab - thank you so much for your kind words. Believe me, when we pulled up to the hospital I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I don't blame you at all for running out of there the first time! Congratulations on your Rainbow, and what a wonderful time for you to find out you were pregnant again - 2 days after her due date passed. That's beautiful. Congratulations. I hope and pray that my experience will be similar to yours!

Pink_Sparkle - thank you hun, and I agree with you, the next time we go to Labor and Delivery will be for our Rainbows. I just can't wait for us all to get there. I'd love to go to the Highlands of Scotland, I bet it's very beautiful there. Maybe you could share a photo with us of her name in the sand? I'd love to see it.

I hope everyone is doing well today xxxx

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

I'll try attaching some pics that we took on the beach

We went to a place called Banff which is around a 4.5 hour drive from where we live. The beach was lovely, the day we went was very very windy! The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds...when the some did come out at times, I swear the beach could have been on some paradise island, its very beautiful!

Mhazzab where do you live? I live in Renfrew which is just outside Glasgow.

Beaglemama I seen your from Florida, I bet you guys always have great weather! Id love love love to go to Florida. I dream of being able to take our rainbow to Disney land one day. I think I was born in the wrong country...I love the sun, sea and sand. Scotland is too cold and rainy for me! xxx

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Here's a pic of the sand being blown across the beach...& its a bit sunnier xx

 

[mhazzab]

I'll try attaching some pics that we took on the beach

We went to a place called Banff which is around a 4.5 hour drive from where we live. The beach was lovely, the day we went was very very windy! The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds...when the some did come out at times, I swear the beach could have been on some paradise island, its very beautiful!

Mhazzab where do you live? I live in Renfrew which is just outside Glasgow.

Beaglemama I seen your from Florida, I bet you guys always have great weather! Id love love love to go to Florida. I dream of being able to take our rainbow to Disney land one day. I think I was born in the wrong country...I love the sun, sea and sand. Scotland is too cold and rainy for me! xxx

Your photos are beautiful special photos for a special little girl.

I'm in inverness...am familiar with Banff and the area, it's lovely there. So many nice places around here you would love Scotland, beaglemama X

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

I'll try attaching some pics that we took on the beach

We went to a place called Banff which is around a 4.5 hour drive from where we live. The beach was lovely, the day we went was very very windy! The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds...when the some did come out at times, I swear the beach could have been on some paradise island, its very beautiful!

Mhazzab where do you live? I live in Renfrew which is just outside Glasgow.

Beaglemama I seen your from Florida, I bet you guys always have great weather! Id love love love to go to Florida. I dream of being able to take our rainbow to Disney land one day. I think I was born in the wrong country...I love the sun, sea and sand. Scotland is too cold and rainy for me! xxx

Your photos are beautiful special photos for a special little girl.

I'm in inverness...am familiar with Banff and the area, it's lovely there. So many nice places around here you would love Scotland, beaglemama X

Thank you It was a hugely comforting thing to do. Originally we wanted to go to Nairn...which I think is Inverness area? The only reason we went to Banff as we found a good dinner bed and breakfast deal. Nairn is deffo on the to do list though xx

 

[Beaglemama]

Well now I'm just plain jealous of you two!! Scotland is on my to-do list!

Pink - the pictures are beautiful! Thank you for posting them. Maybe we'll swap houses someday If you ever get to come here to Florida let us know! We go to Disney all the time (we just went last weekend) so we can give you some insider tips on how to do it right And yes, the weather is nice here - it's tropical. So for instance, today in 95 degrees and very very humid. It's almost always muggy here. But we like it - an hour from Disney, an hour from the beach, there's a lot to do. And I live close to Inverness too! (Inverness, FL that is)

 

[mhazzab]

Well now I'm just plain jealous of you two!! Scotland is on my to-do list!

Pink - the pictures are beautiful! Thank you for posting them. Maybe we'll swap houses someday If you ever get to come here to Florida let us know! We go to Disney all the time (we just went last weekend) so we can give you some insider tips on how to do it right And yes, the weather is nice here - it's tropical. So for instance, today in 95 degrees and very very humid. It's almost always muggy here. But we like it - an hour from Disney, an hour from the beach, there's a lot to do. And I live close to Inverness too! (Inverness, FL that is)

we went to Orlando for part of our honeymoon (we are so grown up, lol) It was great, way too hot though! And crazy rainstorms, never seen anything like it! Lovely place, we did most of the parks, I liked Busch Gardens & Discovery cove. So that's where the other Inverness is...keeps coming up when I search for things online! xx

 

[Tegans Mama]

I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Well now I'm just plain jealous of you two!! Scotland is on my to-do list!

Pink - the pictures are beautiful! Thank you for posting them. Maybe we'll swap houses someday If you ever get to come here to Florida let us know! We go to Disney all the time (we just went last weekend) so we can give you some insider tips on how to do it right And yes, the weather is nice here - it's tropical. So for instance, today in 95 degrees and very very humid. It's almost always muggy here. But we like it - an hour from Disney, an hour from the beach, there's a lot to do. And I live close to Inverness too! (Inverness, FL that is)

A house swap would be pretty amazing lol! Me and DH have never been to the USA, your so lucky to live in such an amazing place! Im even more determined to take our rainbow to disney, now we have an expert guide!

Scotland is an amazing country, I do love it. The scenery is beautiful and the people here are very friendly...I just wish we had better weather! Today was sunny with some clouds, though with a very cold wind...the temperature here was only 56 degrees its now 11.30pm and the temp has gone down to 45 degrees brrrrrrrrrr... xx

 

[mhazzab]

It is indeed freezing here now! Nairn is nice, just 15 mins drive from us. There's a popular beach there. We spend a lot of time down at the water in inverness dolphin hunting, we did it a lot last year after losing the twins and it makes me feel at peace everytime we go, especially when the dolphins turn up! The Black Isle is a lovely place to visit too.

Beaglemama sounds like you have talked yourself into tour guiding!! I also love America... We went to new York, Washington and Florida, loved it all x

 

[Beaglemama]

mhazzab - definitely! I'll be the unofficial Florida tour guide I've never been to Discovery Cove, but it's on our to-do list! And we have a lot of friends who honeymooned in Orlando - it's good to be a kid at heart

Ladies, it sounds a bit too cold for me where you are! Stay warm!! We won't have really chilly weather until late November. It's just now starting to feel like fall. At first the weather changing made me sad since I was looking forward to being pregnant with my big belly this fall... but now it's making me hopeful because it means I am closer to when we can TTC. We just added maternity insurance yesterday, so we can TTC mid-November. I'm really looking forward to happier days

Take Care ladies xxxx

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

It is indeed freezing here now! Nairn is nice, just 15 mins drive from us. There's a popular beach there. We spend a lot of time down at the water in inverness dolphin hunting, we did it a lot last year after losing the twins and it makes me feel at peace everytime we go, especially when the dolphins turn up! The Black Isle is a lovely place to visit too.

Beaglemama sounds like you have talked yourself into tour guiding!! I also love America... We went to new York, Washington and Florida, loved it all x

I would love love love to see the dolphins! There is something very comforting about the sea. xx

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

mhazzab - definitely! I'll be the unofficial Florida tour guide I've never been to Discovery Cove, but it's on our to-do list! And we have a lot of friends who honeymooned in Orlando - it's good to be a kid at heart

Ladies, it sounds a bit too cold for me where you are! Stay warm!! We won't have really chilly weather until late November. It's just now starting to feel like fall. At first the weather changing made me sad since I was looking forward to being pregnant with my big belly this fall... but now it's making me hopeful because it means I am closer to when we can TTC. We just added maternity insurance yesterday, so we can TTC mid-November. I'm really looking forward to happier days

Take Care ladies xxxx

You are so right...everyday is a day closer to our rainbows. xx

 

[mhazzab]

mhazzab - definitely! I'll be the unofficial Florida tour guide I've never been to Discovery Cove, but it's on our to-do list! And we have a lot of friends who honeymooned in Orlando - it's good to be a kid at heart

Ladies, it sounds a bit too cold for me where you are! Stay warm!! We won't have really chilly weather until late November. It's just now starting to feel like fall. At first the weather changing made me sad since I was looking forward to being pregnant with my big belly this fall... but now it's making me hopeful because it means I am closer to when we can TTC. We just added maternity insurance yesterday, so we can TTC mid-November. I'm really looking forward to happier days

Take Care ladies xxxx

You are so right...everyday is a day closer to our rainbows. xx

I was desperate to ttc very soon after losing the girls...I felt guilty at first but I wasn't trying to replace them, I just wanted a baby to hold in my arms, I needed it so much. I bought some prenatal vitamins, set aside the number of pills that would take me to the date when we agreed to try again, and just watched the number get smaller each day. It really helped me to see I was making progress. X

 

[SummersMummy]

Just wanted to say how inspirational you are
Your little princess in the clouds will be so proud of her mummy!
I cried... actually, sobbed reading your story. Especially leaving her bedroom light on so shes not afraid of the dark. Oh my heart broke for you sweetie.
Your rainbow baby is so deserved, and has the most amazing big sister
I know they will be just as proud of Madison as you, daddy and the family are.

Sleep tight beautiful baby Madison
Have fun playing with the other angels up there xx

 

[dizzy65]

 

[confused2011]

Reading your post brings me right back to those first few days... Im finding people look at me crazy when they hear I am already thinking about trying again. People have not held back on telling me I need to wait blah blah blah.. I dont think anyone understands unless they've been there. I think we as mother's have an amazing capability to bounce back and while we will have our good days and bad days, we are entitled to them. I dont know exactly what happened in your case but in my case, I was infected with paravirus B19. So I find great peace in knowing my son will never ever suffer a day in his life.

 

[Beaglemama]

Confused2011 - I am so sorry for your loss and I completely understand how you are feeling. I wanted to start trying again right away. I don't know if you have any other children, but I do not. And the emptiness my little Madison has left behind is almost too much. I think wanted to have a baby as soon as possible is only natural, we need to have something to look forward to and a child to love and hold. I absolutely can't wait for my Rainbow to come. I hope you recover quickly and will be able to TTC whenever you feel ready. Please feel free to join my other thread under waiting to try - there's quite a few ladies on here just like us, waiting for our Rainbows and happier days ahead.

SummersMommy - thank you so much for your support and kind words. I know I've said it before, but my little girl was so special and strong, I am trying to have the kind of strength she did. Madison was diagnosed with Turner syndrome at 16 weeks. Although we never did an amnio to confirm, several doctors told us with certainty she did have Turners. They also told us most girls with this syndrome don't make it to 12 weeks, and our little fighter made it to 20. It's amazing how much she taught us, in her short life, about strength, faith and hope.

 

[Mahoghani]

Beaglemama,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. As I read it, having gone through my own loss so recently, I cried for you. For all of us.

I am blessed to already have a healthy 8 year old boy. I can't imagine how much worse this loss might be without him. Today I spent the afternoon with him. I'd been dreading picking him up after yesterday. Thinking I wouldn't be able to bear talking to him and answering his questions. But it was actually quite the opposite. I couldn't stop holding his hand, stroking his hair... Marveling at him. He and his father are both in "whatever mommy wants mommy gets" mode. He is slowly absorbing what has happened but I think he is more worried about me than anything else. So grown up at 8 years old.

I believe with my whole heart that God will bless you with a beautiful rainbow. And when he does you will cherish that child in a way that I don't think mothers who haven't felt a loss can understand. He or she will be the luckiest boy or girl in the world to have a mama like you.

Thank you so much for your support on here. It has meant the world to me and given me so much strength.