DH and I disagree on when to tell ppl next pg..am I alone on this?

[kmp]

I had a very early mc Aug 28, I was a little over 5 weeks. My numbers were down to 15 by the 29th. Anyway, in the excitement of the bfp, we told quite a number of ppl. (family, friends, and very close coworkers). I am 3 dpo now and just had a discussion with my DH in which he said that we should only tell our immediate family if/when I get a bfp. He thinks, like many others, that we should wait till the first trimester is over before we spread the word. I know this is what a lot of ppl do, but I want to tell the same ppl as before. My argument is: I don't want to lessen the excitement of my pg out of fear. Fear should never guide our choices. I will not tell everyone, but when I am excited about something I want to share. Also, if you don't tell ppl out of fear of another mc and you do end up having a mc nobody knows you are grieving. Also, I know the first trimester is the most risky but a mc could certainly happen later. So how long should you wait? If a tragedy is going to happen it is going to happen and you might as well have the support of those dear to you to cope w a loss or celebrate a h&h 9 months.

 

[keepthefaithx]

i see both sides honestly

i know what you mean you dont wanna start things off differently bc of a loss, i totally get that, but god forbid it does happen again you have to tell everyone AGAIN and its going to be super hard.

me and my husband discusted and we are waiting til after first trimester to tell our friends, we are only telling our parents and siblings

maybe talk to him about at least telling parents for now and see how it goes???

xo

 

[nursekelly]

i'm battling this in my own mind as well. having had a prior m/c at around 5-6wk, i felt like once we were past that point with the next pg and having had a reassuring u/s @ 8.5 wks that we were ok to tell people. we ended up losing that baby as well at 12.5wks :'( being just a few days away from the 2nd tri, i really thought we were safe. so the thing now is, i'm not sure at what point will i ever again feel like we're safe with the next pg? i also feel like if i lost another, i will be a complete basket case and at least if some ppl know then at least they won't think i'm just insane. so i still think i will tell ppl around 9 wks, once we have a reassuring u/s.

 

[Brieanna]

I can see both sides but it kinda sounds like you already know what you really want to do (tell people). You need to do what you feel is comfortable because it is a very personal decision.

After I had a mc and we got pregnant again we waited a long time (except the one person who found out because I had to tell her not to smoke around me and my twin sister who I tell everything to) to tell people. I waited until after I got a good ultrasound and was past the first trimester to tell everyone, but that is what I was comfortable with and I honestly felt like if I told people I would "jinx" it. (The day after we went shopping and bought lots of baby clothes, books, ordered stuff online etc is the day I started to bleed the first time so I felt like I jinxed it then and so i should be super careful the next time, but this was just my personal experience.)

Saying that, I also know that if I had had another miscarriage I probably would have told them about it to explain my depression, so if they would know anyways I guess telling them I was pregnant earlier wouldn't have made much difference. Sorry I haven't been much help! Good luck, and lots of baby dust xxxx!

 

[confusedprego]

I'm not really sure when we will start telling people next time. I think one we get a good U/S since we didn't even hear a heartbeat this time. I was glad we told our closest friends and family so they knew why we were distant and upset.

 

[Amandamb1108]

I am with you on this one, when i lost my baby in june at 10 weeks i had already told everyone, i mean i saw the heartbeat i figured everything was okay and i was excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone. after the mc i had a few people tell me oh you shouldn't have told people till you were over the safe point, next time you get pregnant you should wait before telling everyone. so i should stifle my excitement cause other people don't want to have to know if something goes wrong? if/when i get pregnant again i will tell people because if something happens i don't want to suffer in silence, miscarriage is a taboo subject for many people but it shouldnt be, yes the baby was tiny and wasn't born yet but it was still a baby and it was still loved, why should we have to hide the fact that our baby died, we wouldn't hide the fact that a child who was born died or a if our husband mother or father died.

 

[Bells n Bump]

I am also in two minds about this, me and DH discussed not telling anyone until we have a good 12 week scan or at least see a heartbeat as my mum has problems with depression and her nerves and my two losses have hit her hard and she has blamed herself (not sure why), but then on the other hand we kind of kept my first pregnancy a secret apart from close family and friends then after the mc people I hadnt seen in months were offering their condolences, so everyone found out I had been pregnant anyway.

So I think we will have to see how it goes and how we feel at the time, which I hope is soon. Sorry Im not much help Im too indecisive, lol!! Do what feels right for you xxx

 

[BABYANGEL09]

Hi kmp

I see both your points i have suffered 2 early miscarriages second time round we only told our parents and i told a few people at work as their were some duties i could not do for health and safety. This was not because we did not want to share the news but because we both found it difficult telling everyone the bad news i aslo felt guilty afterwards as this was left to my OH as i was to upset to speak to everyone when he was hurting just as bad as me. Personally next time round i dont even think we will tell parents until we have had an early scan and seen heartbeat. Why dont yous try and reach a compromise on when you will tell people. Until you get to share the news both of you can enjoy having a very special secret of your soon to be little family. Hope your BFP comes very soon x

 

[lauren10]

I think you should/could tell any of those people that you'd be willing to discuss your miscarriage with if that were to happen.

 

[jessy1101]

I am soooo happy somebody brought up this topic. I'm torn on it also. The first time i got pregnant in june my DH and I freaked out with joy and told only our immediate family and close friends. BUT i specificly told everyone that I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks to make the official declaration to everyone else.

Well my in laws decided that they didnt want to wait and pretty much told EVERY single person that I know and made the damn announcement to people on FB. When i tried to explain to them why I wanted to wait before telling everyone else ( scared of mc etc) they made me seem like the bad person for worrying about something so negative and it was a positive experience blalbalblalbla. Well guess what happend? I had my mc at 11 weeks and now there are still people from my in laws side that come and congratulate me on the baby and when is it due....grrrrrrrrr i swear to god it breaks my heart every damn time.

We've spoken on what to do next time and honestly i dont think i'll be telling DH's family any freakin damn time soon..damnit...lol it is just too madening. I do think i'll still tell the same close friends and my parents but that's pretty much it....can u blame me???

 

[Twinkie210]

I am having conflicting feelings on when to tell people next time too. With DS, I told my family and close friends right away, but my hubby went and told everyone we worked with the very next day after I told him (we weren't married and I felt that he didn't have the right to tell my boss!) With this last pregnancy, I would have told everyone right away (except work), but my parents were taking DS on a vacation so I didn't want to tell them right before they left (they were going to be gone two weeks), well I started spotting during their vacation and my MC was confirmed right after they got back. So the only people that knew were DH, and two close friends that was it. So I ended up telling my Mom and sister and a few other people after the fact. It was so akward telling people after I already miscarried, but it was so hard to keep my grief to myself.

So I am like you, I don't know what to do next time. I couldn't talk about my MC for weeks afterward, so if I tell people and something goes wrong it is going to be hard to have to tell everyone what happened. But if I don't tell people, and something goes wrong it is hard pretending like everything is OK when it isn't! I guess I just have to hope my next one is a sticky bean!

 

[jessy1101]

I wonder if maybe we'll feel differently next time u know? I swear during my pregnancy i was worried constantly and didnt want people to know in case something went wrong. Now could this maybe be a sign that i felt something would end up going wrong?? What if the next time i feel super confidant and want to tell everyone??

Do u think that could be possible? To have a sorta hind sight of things to come?

 

[chiapso]

I told no one but my mum I was pregnant and I wish I told my family, next time I am going to tell everyone after I see a heartbeat

 

[teresapk]

my DH and i had agreed not to tell any family until 12 weeks with good ultrasounds. we had an ultrasound with heartbeat and the following week miscarried, so i can't count on a heartbeat to signify that it's safe.

i agree with the other poster that said if you tell anyone make sure you are comfortable telling them about the miscarriage. i only told a few friends that i was pregnant so i just sent them a quick email so that they wouldn't be mad i was ignoring them for a bit.

i'm going to tell my mom about the miscarriage today, she didn't even know we were TTC so this should be interesting. but i want them to know because i pretty much had surgery for the D&C and would be hurt if they didn't tell me about either of them having surgery.

 

[kmp]

I want to sincerely thank all of you for your comments, although I am still just as confused LOL!!! I guess maybe we should come to some compromise although I can be stubborn! I would definitely tell immediate family, but then you don't know that certain ppl will truly keep it a secret (like in-laws). I do recall dreading having to tell ppl about the mc and seeing ppl for the first time who offer condolences which by the way does not help. If you are out and about and trying to enjoy yourself and here comes a relative to remind you of the loss I did kinda take a cowardly way about it and sent a txt msg about the loss. Immediate family heard from us while it was happening, but I don't like talking about things when I am very upset so a txt was the only way I could go. That really did help tho cuz it is often much easier to converse in writing when strong emotions are involved. I think I will approach DH with the idea of waiting for a scan, my mc was so early I hadn't even gone to the dr. The one comment was soo right that it is a taboo subject. My cousin said that she remembers feeling embarrassed for some reason after her mc and I kind of did too and I don't know why. I know it wasn't my fault and it does not mean anything is wrong with me so I don't know what it is. Maybe I don't like ppl feeling sorry for me. hmmmm introspection.

 

[kmp]

I wonder if maybe we'll feel differently next time u know? I swear during my pregnancy i was worried constantly and didnt want people to know in case something went wrong. Now could this maybe be a sign that i felt something would end up going wrong?? What if the next time i feel super confidant and want to tell everyone??

Do u think that could be possible? To have a sorta hind sight of things to come?

I think maybe there could be some instinct involved, however, if you are concerned again next time don't think something will go wrong again. I have read from many women on here that they were very nervous during there pregnancy after a mc BECAUSE of the prior mc and they went on to have healthy pregnancies.

 

[kmp]

I REALLY wish all of the girls on this forum the best of luck!!! I must say it seems like everyone on the TTC after loss forums are such wonderful ppl and I know we will all be the BEST MOMS, just hoping its sooner rather than later!!!

 

[Tegans Mama]

I had two MC's last year, one at 5 weeks and one at eight.

I told my family early both times. And honestly, their support was invaluable when we lost our babies. I don't know what I would have done without the support of my sister, my mum and my MIL, they were all amazingly strong for us. My sister did get very upset but I knew she was sad for us and that helped me to grieve.

I know for sure that we will tell family early next time too, because God forbid we had another loss, I know I would need the support again. I hope you and your OH come to an agreement.