dh says he feels 'trapped'

[PoppyPainting]

dd is 10 weeks old now and imho a really easy baby. She only wakes once in the night, and colic hasn't been too much of a problem just a half hour issue most evenings.

This week dh took a weeks leave hoping to bond with her as her cry times are when he is home normally, ie lunch time and early eve. However she has taken to crying when she's with him, and stopping when I take her back from him. I watch him with her and I can see why she is behaving as she is as he's so tense with her. I've tried getting him to try the techniques with her that I use, ie listening to the kettle if she's having a hissy fit, different ways to burp her etc, but he's got in a rhythm of being stiff and panicky with her.

So last night he tells me he feels trapped and is the most unhappy he's ever been in his life.....

 

[SmartieMeUp]

At least he's making a little effort, eh? Baby blues may of taken its toll on him now.

He probably feels trapped/unhappy because he may have a little jealousy on how well you are with your daughter. He still might feel unsafe or uncomfortable holding her as she'll still only be small.

Once she's beginning to gain a personality, he may feel like he can bond easier nor will she be as delicate so to speak. It just takes time getting used to it. Guide him through ways to interact with her and help out, but try not to tell him how to do specifically do things. It will be hard to try change the routine of who she settles with most though.

Does she not lay on his chest at all (with or without a top)?

My OH had only ever had experience with his nephew who was born 3 years prior to our LO so he had no clue how to do anything, then he turned into a natural.

 

[Dibbles]

I think there is a lot of pressure on both parents to bond with the baby in the early stages. Not everyone can and not everyone will, it's normal and doesn't make you a bad parent. I didn't bond with my second child until she was about 4-5 months old and her father didn't start to bond with her until she was one (our first born we both took to instantly). He's an amazing father but it's just that sometimes these things take time. Maybe if your husband doesn't feel pressured and just let nature take it's course he'll slowly find that he's getting more attached to his daughter

HTH ^.^

 

[LDC]

I think it's difficult for men as they don't have that time to bond as we do as mums with maternity leave or at least having some time 24/7 with the baby. My LO is the same with her dad, she cries when I'm not there and then as soon as I'm back in the room as pick her up she stops but its just because she's so used to me being there and comforting her when she's feeling crappy.

Also I think because the day's aren't there all the time with going to work they will seem rigid and a bit awkward with LO, the same as I was at the beginning except my oh was at work so he didnt see this. The dads often don't get time alone with LO as we are always there, so they don't get the trial and error experience that we do from being alone with LO and having to do everything; we naturally adapt as they develop and don't even realise it.

I'd talk to your oh as it could be a confidence issue. I know my oh went through a bad period where he wouldn't go to LO if she was crying because he felt like she didnt want him only me. It could be that your oh is the same - maybe ask if there is anything that you can do to support him.

I hope everything gets better soon

X

 

[PoppyPainting]

Thanks girls, some useful advice. I'm suprised how quickly I took to parenting. He's had so much pressure by everyone telling him he'll be a brilliant dad, and lo was born in emergency circumstances which scared him. I'm scared he'll leave us but I think he'd invest a lot more time before giving up. He's not a quitter and we've been thru thick and thin in the past.

 

[Dibbles]

Maybe show him this thread? Usually we can be pretty ruthless with men on b&b but you OH is getting a lot of support which means he's doing a great job and should relax and not let himself be pressured into 'bonding' with the baby

 

[star_light]

My hubby is like that with dd too , with bothe boys he attached the min they born but on third time when dd born shes EBF and demanding baby so whenever he picks her up she start cry . But it gets better after 2 months when she's not feeding all time and start lil time to alert and active and start smile when we call her name don't worry 😊

 

[LynseyPynsey]

My OH said the same thing although we'd only been together 5 months when I fell pregnant so a bit different.. He's starting to come around though.

 

[cat_reversing]

my oh went through something similar although it's better now. There are other stresses around for us which don't help but i tried to encourage him to do things with her - changing her clothes, bathing her, and just generally having time just the 2 of them without me, eg i go for a shower and leave them two together. Maybe your oh feels pressured if you're around, if you're confident and he's not he maybe worried about doing something wrong pick a time when baby is calm and not likely to need anything then get out of the way even for 10 minutes.
You've both been through a massive life change, encourage him to talk to any other men you know who've got kids maybe he can find some common ground and realise that these feelings are normal and that things will get better with time.

 

[PoppyPainting]

Thankyou again everyone whose given advice here. Some really useful things thankyou everso. Things have improved a bit since I started this thread, maybe just expressing that he wasn't feeling 100% has helped him. Plus I've made sure we've done some of the things we used to do b4 baby was born, like going for a walk in the woods (baby in sling), and going out for a pint(only 1!, baby sleeping in her carseat next to us).

It's a journey and we'll get there.

 

[SmartieMeUp]

It's pretty common that seeing the same 4 walls gets you down. Looks like quality time as a family was the main 'issue' (if you wan't to call it that).

I'm glad it's starting to settle nicely

 

[mara16jade]

I'm not a mom, but I saw how my (male) cousin was with his daughter. It took him about 3-4 MONTHS to snap into shape with being a dad. Now he is head over heels for her and truly has his fiance and daughter on his mind 24/7. Unfortunately it looks like some men take a lot longer to bond/mature/be at ease/etc. when having a baby.

 

[dudu23]

We are also dealing with exactly the same thing for the past few days, baby does not cry when I hold him but as soon as my husband holds him he starts crying. I think he is handling it well and know that this is just something that is normal and temporary.