DH won't help with baby.

[ElizabethK_]

So here's the thing. I am a proud mommy of a beautiful 9 week old baby girl. She is healthy and smiley and i love her. She does has colic and reflux though so some nights and even days are hard.

In the first days with her home I was in a panic mode. I think I had a bad case of the "baby blues" or even PPD but was not diagnosed as such from my doctor. I had my mom and/or MIL with me the first two weeks to help me with the baby so the situation was not as bad.

When I was left alone with the baby and DH then started my downfall.. I noticed that DH never wants to change her, feed her, hold her. If I want to take a shower or even pee I put her in her bassinet even if he is there to help me. He doesn't hold her. He seems afraid of her. If she cries he either leaves her to cry until I get to her or if by chance he happens to be holding her he just holds her there and looks at her baffled.

When she's bad with the colic and reflux at night I have no help. He just sleeps or sits on his computer playing games. He makes her milk for her. He does that. But just that. I'm all alone in this when I wasn't supposed to. When I got pregnant he was supposed to help me. He said he would help me. He doesn't. I've talked to him. We argue. I can't take this any more.

What should I do?

 

[xZoeyx]

I so feel your pain, my other half was EXACTLY the same, and now that he's a year old they are inseperable! He still hasn't ever changed a dirty nappy, but has changed approx 2 wet ones but hey he's great in every other way.

Your other half is more than likely scared just like mine was and although it is no excuse, it does explain things. You have to remember you carried your baby, you bonded with her in a way he couldn't until she was born, only now is his bonding time! Give him 9 months like you had and you will probably see a different man. If you don't then it's time to start reconsidering your life partner choice!
Give him no option, wake him up, hand her over and walk out, walk down the road if needs be, for 10-15 minutes, and gradually make it longer. The only way he will learn is through hands on!

Good luck.

 

[ElizabethK_]

He's afraid of what? The baby? I guess it might be true, but he needs to get over that fear. Dealing with a colicky baby all by myself is a great ordeal and I at least need psychological support.

I've talked to him many times but he just gets offended as if I tell him he does nothing. He does help me around the house and does the shopping and cleaning. I GREATLY appreciate that, but I need a break from the baby sometimes and I cannot have that. It's a struggle to even get some time to have a shower!

I just wish he would change and feed her once in the night for me so I could get some rest. I do everything myself...

 

[MrsT&Ben]

I think some men seriously struggle with a new baby. Especially if they've never really been around babies before
Let's face it babies are bloody scary!!!! I'd not really been around babies before so had no clue but mummy instinct kind of takes over. Men don't have that! Sit down and talk to him. If he's just being a dick pull him up on it. Good luck x

 

[PoppyPainting]

Agreeing with pp's who are saying some men are scared of newborns. Mine was rubbish, now DD is 2 he's great. If he's making her milk, shopping and cleaning then that's a start. Make sure you don't tell him he's a rubbish father coz that's what I did and I've never been forgiven for it. No matter how many times I've said I actually meant a rubbish husband!

Why not ask him to support you by getting you coffee when you are stuck on the settee feeding or making you toast in the morning after a tough night. That way he stays connected to you and sneaks into proximity with your little one! Then add in him holding her while you go to the loo etc. Babies are scary but you need support too.

Also have you spoken to your hv or gp if you are still feeling low? Maybe they can help...

 

[tulip1975]

Does your husband ever sit in the couch to watch TV? That may be the perfect time to lay baby on his chest. My newborn loves to sleep on a chest. It's not scary for dad because baby is asleep the whole time, and really helps with bonding.

Regardless, your husband needs to suck it up and honor his commitment to being a parent.

Babies need their parents to hold them and cuddle them. It seems like maybe he thinks of this is as something that you need rather than something the baby needs. Maybe you could re-frame it as the baby's need?

 

[lisa1980]

I must be a bit of a cow because I'd be demanding help from him and having serious conversations about our future if he was refusing.

He may well be nervous of the newborn but I'm sure you weren't given a manual and you've had to figure it out You can help him to learn how to look after her but he has to at least show some willingness to get involved. Sitting playing computer games whilst you're walking around a screaming baby and then up all night with her is just not good enough.

Dealing with a newborn all the time without help (let alone a colicky, non-sleeping newborn) is hard work and stressful and she's just as much his as she is yours. To not even be able to hold or soothe her for five minutes while you shower is, frankly, ridiculous imo.

hon. I think you're amazing. I'd be losing my rag by now.

 

[zorak]

I must be a bit of a cow because I'd be demanding help from him and having serious conversations about our future if he was refusing.

He may well be nervous of the newborn but I'm sure you weren't given a manual and you've had to figure it out You can help him to learn how to look after her but he has to at least show some willingness to get involved. Sitting playing computer games whilst you're walking around a screaming baby and then up all night with her is just not good enough.

Dealing with a newborn all the time without help (let alone a colicky, non-sleeping newborn) is hard work and stressful and she's just as much his as she is yours. To not even be able to hold or soothe her for five minutes while you shower is, frankly, ridiculous imo.

hon. I think you're amazing. I'd be losing my rag by now.

This! I simply wouldn't stand for it. If my husband acted like that he'd be getting short shrift and then his marching orders. He wouldn't be the man I married if he acted like this.

 

[Googiepie]

I must be a bit of a cow because I'd be demanding help from him and having serious conversations about our future if he was refusing.

He may well be nervous of the newborn but I'm sure you weren't given a manual and you've had to figure it out You can help him to learn how to look after her but he has to at least show some willingness to get involved. Sitting playing computer games whilst you're walking around a screaming baby and then up all night with her is just not good enough.

Dealing with a newborn all the time without help (let alone a colicky, non-sleeping newborn) is hard work and stressful and she's just as much his as she is yours. To not even be able to hold or soothe her for five minutes while you shower is, frankly, ridiculous imo.

hon. I think you're amazing. I'd be losing my rag by now.

I absolutely agree. My ex was useless to be honest. He wouldn't even help around the house then get mad if something wasn't done. As if I just did nothing all day and sat around scratching my behind, lol. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Scared or not, he needs to put on his big boy pants and help out. Sorry if I sound rude but you need help too.

 

[MindUtopia]

It sounds like maybe he's a little bit in shock and not feeling confident yet in parenting. He needs more quality, note the emphasis on quality (so that's not just leaving her to cry until you return), solo parenting time. Someone else's suggestion to plop baby on his chest to sleep while he's watching tv is a great one. Our daughter pretty much always laid on my husband's chest or was worn by him in a wrap in between feeds and in the evenings while I got caught up on sleep. I did the feeding and holding when it was just me at home, but while he was on paternity leave, in the evenings, on the weekends, etc. he always had her laid on his chest or in the wrap if I wasn't feeding her. It was a great way for them to bond and I think really helped her learn how to comfort her and become confident that he could take care of her. He also frequently wore her in a wrap or carrier when we went out somewhere, on a walk, into town to do shopping, etc. It gave them some special time together, letting her get used to him (so she calmed as easily for him as for me), as well as just giving him time to do the things I would do when he wasn't around.

You may also just have to be really vocal about what you need and coming up with a plan to share the load. Tell him you need him to help do nappy changes during the overnight (for example), if she needed to be changed, tell him you'll wake him up and you need him to do it. Then actually follow through and expect him to do it. It's just a process of habituating him to doing these things and getting comfortable with them, knowing he's not going to break her and that he can do just as good a job as you. Ask him to give you some 'me time' on a Saturday morning, by taking her for a walk while you have a nap, or asking him to run to the store with her to pick up some things. It's terrifying to take sole responsibility for your child for the first time. I remember the first time I ever went out alone with my daughter. I was petrified! I had no idea what I was doing. But it got easier because I did it and then did it again. He just needs to get used to parenting and realise that it's not as scary as it seems when it's all really new. If he absolutely refuses to change a nappy or to take her for a walk or let her sleep on his chest, well, then that's a serious issue because it means he's not coping and you need to talk about that and possibly get some additional help, whether counseling for him if he's struggling or someone for the two of you to talk to together so you can work on how to balance things in your relationship. I would go as far as being honest with him if it's making you doubt the future of your relationship together and whether he wants to be a family with you because he isn't acting like it. That might be the kick in the bum he needs if it's how you feel. But I would start by just really encouraging subtle ways for him to gain some confidence and some bonding time. I really recommend a wrap or carrier too.

 

[ElizabethK_]

Thank you all for your replies... I don't know what will happen. I talked to him about it and he reacted like I offended him greatly. He says he is scared of the responsibility. He's scared of hurting her so he will not take care of her right now. He insists that he will be more "hands on" when she's a little older...

I don't know what to think and for the sake of being calm I have accepted things as they are. I just cannot deal with the stress of my colicky baby who also has reflux creeping up on her the last week... It's just too much.

 

[mummy2_1]

My oh was petrified of breaking our lb. This doesn't excuse the fact he didn't help with feeds, changing dirty nappies ( tell a lie when i was rli tired he would do night feeds and he's maybe changed a dozen nappies) but in the early stages he would wait on me bring mw anything I needed to make the feeding and routine easier. Run out and get anything at the shop I requested. He did not like to hold our son or play with him until he could start to respond and hold some of his own weight. Since then I now have a daddy's boy. Who wakes up and runs to daddy in the night. JuSt wants t play with daddy when we're all at home. I'm happy for the bond they have and can understand how scary a tiny little boy looks t a big full grown man.

 

[lisa1980]

I'm sorry he's not helping more.

I get that he's scared etc but it's a bit of a cop-out imo. What would have happened if you just decided you were too scared to look after her too?

I agree with PP about having him help in subtle ways if he's very wary, but he has to at least WANT to help, even if he finds it hard. You're obviously finding it hard to cope (understandably; a colicky baby is very hard work) so he needs to step up and find some way to help you as it's not fair.

Is there anyone else who can help you out, even occasionally, just so you get a break?

 

[Palladium]

Maybe see if you can find a class that covers basic baby care? One where you can take your baby and have someone other than you reassure him that its OK to handle her and he won't break her? It sounds like he's scared and won't listen to you but if someone else like a nurse or midwife shows him what to do it might go over better.

 

[funinthesun]

I think you are brave to have held up so well in the circumstances.

But you need to put your needs first sometimes. If you feel like you need a break for an hour or two you need to take it. Otherwise the stress will build up and can become too much for you. I know from my awful experience with PND.

Your OH is equally responsible for your baby and I think it's totally unfair that he is not supporting you by letting you have a break or catching up on some much needed sleep. You are both in this situation together and need to make it through together. To be honest, I would never forgive my husband if he didn't support me during such a difficult time.

Perhaps, before leaving your OH alone with your baby you could show him ways to hold your baby that the baby likes eg up high on your chest or rocking your baby. Maybe let him change a nappy with you by his side to guide him or give your baby a bath together.