Difficult subject, need support, possible ED

[ladycherry]

Hi all,

I've been off BC for well over a year but not conceived, I'm not over worried that there is anything wrong as I think the main reason is that we don't have enough sex and the reason for that is that my OH has gone off it and that's because he has trouble keeping an erection. Its ok if i give him oral but penetration just stops it. This has been going on a long time, he says he's past it, can't imagine having a sex life again, doesn't even feel in the mood for it these days.

I don't want to go into the full story but we have been through major stresses over the years this problem has been in our lives so I know the reason. Although it does bloody hurt as I feel so unsexy and undesirable that my self esteem has also taken a bashing, what if I'm the problem.....but it's worse for him as he says he doesn't feel like a man anymore.

So has anyone else been through this? It's such a taboo subject, I don't want to discuss it with him too much as that makes him feel even worse but we can't continue ignoring it. We want a child but tbh I want our old sex life just as much. I've read some women artificially inseminate themselves when their OH's have cum but I'm not doing that, don't want my child conceived that way personally. Would Viagra be the easiest option? I've read about maca root being very successful so could try that, anyone have experience if this? I just want him to be his old horny self, I hate it being like this.

He's 40 and fairly fit and healthy as far as we know.

I love him very much and am really stuck at how to deal with this? Think I'm going to say I'm going back on the pill so he can forget the conceiving which may take the pressure off?

Help, this is so difficult!

 

[Zeri]

Sorry you're going through this! My DH (43) sometimes has trouble maintaining an erection as well, and I think he also has low Testosterone. It's really, really frustrating, especially when trying to have a baby! Not to mention what it does for your sex life & self esteem. It sounds like your OH's testosterone is low. You mentioned that he's fit - but does he exercise? Exercise - aerobic and weight-lifting helps to increase testosterone. You can also try supplements like Maca root, Vitaming D and tribulus terrelus - (unsure of that spelling) - all of which are good for increasing Test. If you want a more medical route, I suppose you could try Cialis or Viagra - but I guess you'll have to talk to your doc about that. Is he willing to take something to help?

 

[ladycherry]

Sorry you're going through this! My DH (43) sometimes has trouble maintaining an erection as well, and I think he also has low Testosterone. It's really, really frustrating, especially when trying to have a baby! Not to mention what it does for your sex life & self esteem. It sounds like your OH's testosterone is low. You mentioned that he's fit - but does he exercise? Exercise - aerobic and weight-lifting helps to increase testosterone. You can also try supplements like Maca root, Vitaming D and tribulus terrelus - (unsure of that spelling) - all of which are good for increasing Test. If you want a more medical route, I suppose you could try Cialis or Viagra - but I guess you'll have to talk to your doc about that. Is he willing to take something to help?

Hi there, at last someone who understands! He does a physical sort of job so aerobic fit but hasn't don't strength training for a while. I this it's a self esteem thing for him, he feels like crap so doesn't want sex, when we do have it he cant maintain an erection that long or comes quickly so that knocks his self esteem even more and thus begins the cycle. we've had a chat about it and he has decided he will go to the doctors and wants to go on antidepressants, I'm pleased for him as he's been down for a long time but antidepressants don't help the sex drive! I've actually bought some maca root, have your oh used it? I'm not sure on quantities yet so need to read up. On the other hand my OH will probably discuss this with his doctor and if offered Viagra I think he would be happy. So the ad's should lift his mood and the Viagra should help the other area, it's not an ideal situation really.

Are you currently TTC?

 

[Miaw]

awww i'm sorry sweetie, that sounds like it's really hard to go trough.

Maybe your oh is not, how do I say this, performing? really well because of the pressure associated with TTC, i'm just saying this because since giving him head works (and we all know that does not lead to babies) it's because normal intercourse scares him, he may be afraid of never being able to reproduce?
I really don't want to offend anyone by saying this, it's just a thought I had when I read your post a few days ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to answer until now.

I sincerely doubt that you are the problem tho, you are still able to excite him by other means, maybe if you tried using some form of birth control for a while, it would take the pressure of conceiving of and you two could get back to a normal sex life, have you talked to him about maybe he is not completely ready? That may be a possibility...

That's all I can say, personally I have never been in such a situation. I wish you luck tho, I hope it gets resolved.

 

[sg0720]

Hello,

I was having this problem for a while with my OH. He started taking horny goat weed and some other vitamins to help with the issue and over a little bit of time he got back on track i think the vitamins helped with blood flow in the right places and just helped him get back in the mood

 

[Buttons]

hi, oh tried maca for sperm motility but i did also notice a change in his 'mood' towards dtd.. its worth a try, its just getting him to take them thats another obstacle too over come. gl xx

 

[tsyhanochka]

Hey Ladies

My OH is almost 37. We've had this issue from time to time and his amounts to stress at work. He can't think sexy thoughts if he's thinking about clients and paperwork etc. We just take those nights as they happen (it's not the same thing I get that). And like Miaw, I don't want to offend!

But if your DH can get up and at 'em for oral and sometimes finishes a little quickly... that's a really positive sign imo that it's could largely be mind over matter. If it was something physical then he wouldn't be getting there at all. And like the other ladies said making babies is pressure on them too. Easier said than done, but try to think about that. If you can excite him in some ways... that's says you're sexy and someone to get excited over!

It is a taboo subject for some guys but honesty is sometimes how you'll root it out. If he's been down then the ADs will help lift that part of the burden. Try to talk to him about other things and find out if there's other stresses that you may not realize which in turn could help you feel a bit better about things too.

I'll be blunt. If he can get you excited in other ways... maybe explore each other for a month and try to rekindle your old sex life. And visit a 'love boutique'. I'm not saying you need to get the whips and chains out but some sexy lotions, some fun things... or just ideas. And if all else fails... try a c*ck ring. Then he can keep things up and get you where you both need to be... and maybe rebuild that confidence after a few goes round? Accomplishments are sometimes the best ego boosters.

And if that doesn't work. Little blue pills are ok too...just be prepared for all the BD you'll need to do to... *ahem* wear him out


Good luck and

 

[ladycherry]

awww i'm sorry sweetie, that sounds like it's really hard to go trough.

Maybe your oh is not, how do I say this, performing? really well because of the pressure associated with TTC, i'm just saying this because since giving him head works (and we all know that does not lead to babies) it's because normal intercourse scares him, he may be afraid of never being able to reproduce?
I really don't want to offend anyone by saying this, it's just a thought I had when I read your post a few days ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to answer until now.

I sincerely doubt that you are the problem tho, you are still able to excite him by other means, maybe if you tried using some form of birth control for a while, it would take the pressure of conceiving of and you two could get back to a normal sex life, have you talked to him about maybe he is not completely ready? That may be a possibility...

That's all I can say, personally I have never been in such a situation. I wish you luck tho, I hope it gets resolved.

Hi no need to worry about offending, it's one of those things that I think lots go through, you are lucky

 

[ladycherry]

Hello,

I was having this problem for a while with my OH. He started taking horny goat weed and some other vitamins to help with the issue and over a little bit of time he got back on track i think the vitamins helped with blood flow in the right places and just helped him get back in the mood

Interesting, I will have a read on the horny goat weed but I'm not sure he wants to take Maca so whether I'd get him to that as well! He is on a 'wellman' vitamin but that's all.

 

[ladycherry]

hi, oh tried maca for sperm motility but i did also notice a change in his 'mood' towards dtd.. its worth a try, its just getting him to take them thats another obstacle too over come. gl xx

Thats good to know, I really want him to try it! How often did he take it, I've read 2/3 times a week is about right?

 

[sg0720]

Hello,

I was having this problem for a while with my OH. He started taking horny goat weed and some other vitamins to help with the issue and over a little bit of time he got back on track i think the vitamins helped with blood flow in the right places and just helped him get back in the mood

Interesting, I will have a read on the horny goat weed but I'm not sure he wants to take Maca so whether I'd get him to that as well! He is on a 'wellman' vitamin but that's all.

yeah this really worked for him i dont know if it was mentally or what but it worked and we were back in business lol

 

[ladycherry]

Hey Ladies

My OH is almost 37. We've had this issue from time to time and his amounts to stress at work. He can't think sexy thoughts if he's thinking about clients and paperwork etc. We just take those nights as they happen (it's not the same thing I get that). And like Miaw, I don't want to offend!

But if your DH can get up and at 'em for oral and sometimes finishes a little quickly... that's a really positive sign imo that it's could largely be mind over matter. If it was something physical then he wouldn't be getting there at all. And like the other ladies said making babies is pressure on them too. Easier said than done, but try to think about that. If you can excite him in some ways... that's says you're sexy and someone to get excited over!

It is a taboo subject for some guys but honesty is sometimes how you'll root it out. If he's been down then the ADs will help lift that part of the burden. Try to talk to him about other things and find out if there's other stresses that you may not realize which in turn could help you feel a bit better about things too.

I'll be blunt. If he can get you excited in other ways... maybe explore each other for a month and try to rekindle your old sex life. And visit a 'love boutique'. I'm not saying you need to get the whips and chains out but some sexy lotions, some fun things... or just ideas. And if all else fails... try a c*ck ring. Then he can keep things up and get you where you both need to be... and maybe rebuild that confidence after a few goes round? Accomplishments are sometimes the best ego boosters.

And if that doesn't work. Little blue pills are ok too...just be prepared for all the BD you'll need to do to... *ahem* wear him out


Good luck and

It's definitely stress, years of stress that has beaten him down so I completely agree. If we have a holiday he more relaxed and it happens more.

Thanks mate, I don't feel at all sexy, I've gained weight over the last few years which has knocked my confidence too and he hates my loss of confidence too - god we are a bit of mess! I've suggested going back on the pill, I don't really want to, partly because of the baby aim but also because I'm not keen on putting it back in my system. He doesn't want me to either which is good and he says that isn't causing his problems - whether that is true I do not know, could be a subconscious thing that he doesn't realise.

I hope the AD's help, I don't like them really, been there myself in the past and although they do the job they don't solve things long term...but then I'm a hypocrite because all I want is for him to be happy and if they help then I want him to be on them. Fortunately we talk a lot and he is a very open person, that's one of the reasons I love him so much.

You are right we need to have some sexy time without the full on sex, that way we get pleasure and take the pressure off. A nice massage, candles, music - we haven't done that for a while! Always so tired and he works shifts so opportunities don't come up that often. Yeah it is good that he can 'get excited', tbh that hasn't failed to happen, it's just keeping it up that can be the problem or him lasting long enough for us to have a proper session. I think it's habit really, same routine.

I'm not against viagra at all, if it helps then why not.

x

 

[SaraJewel]

Hi Ladycherry,

different but similar situation for me. OH is early 40s, we have been ttc/NTNP for 7 months and had your problem for the 1st 2-3 months. I felt horrible, like he didn't want me. It gradually got better, he could maintain an erection most of the time, but he has only just started to finish in the past 3 times (and only twice!).

I think it's difficult for guys, all the pressure is on their performance cos it they don't performance the chance of conception is zero. And the more they think about it, the less likely it is that it will happen.

Try and take the pressure off, like you say have some romantic time. Personally, I've found not talking about ttc has started to help. I used to get upset in front of him too, and while it was comforting to talk to him about it and have a good cry, it actually made things more and more stressful for us both. You will find a lot of understanding and support here. I am sure things will get better over time too, I never thought it would be so hard!

We have to have hope and believe things will get better. Good luck!!!!

 

[Regalpeas]

Yes, I believe this thing become normal around this age and level of pressure to perform. I would start with vits as other have suggested. Also, I would also go in to speak with a specialist. Let them confirm that everything is okay. I always say it's health over everything else.

Good luck! I hope everything works out.

P.S. New Sexy lingerie, the color red, sensual/sexy atmosphere, switching up things and not mentioning ttc at all may help in general as well