Do I or Don't I?! I'm soooo confused

[CharCharxxx]

Hi ladies, not sure if there is much point in this post as the decision completely lies with me here and is not for anyone else to say, but even just writing it down might help me.
So I am 30 years old with 4 little ones, oldest is 8 and youngest 13 months. My OH has booked in for a vasectomy when he is next home from work (oil rig worker).. cut a long story short, we've been using condoms since my last DS but somehow got pregnant which I found out last week. No breaks but some stuff may have come out the top as was up the sides a bit. I naturally freaked out like hell but then after a couple of days I started to come round to the idea of 5. Even OH was starting to plan. Anyway I woke up 6 days ago to AF type bleeding so it was obviously a chemical pregnancy. And i was disappointed. So So so disappointed.
My dilemma is now that I'm wondering if this has made me realise i do actually want one more so shouldn't get OH to have a vasectomy, or do I just be thankful for my 4 that I have and be done with it? I am so fortunate and I regularly remember that.
My worries are that I have chronic anxiety which has now led me to suffer with fibromyalgia Which I only got diagnosed with last month. Also OH is away half the year all together for work (He does 3 weeks away 3 weeks back) I don't have alot of family and barely any support network to help me. I tend to get huge in pregnancy and always end up with one problem or the other.
However I LOVE having my babies. I love that special time with them (we all do I know!) Although my kids fight a lot sometimes, they are all so close which i love as I didn't have that growing up. My kids don't have any cousins and won't do either so I love having a big family to try and compensate for that. I love being a mum more than anything as hard as it is majority of the time I wouldn't change my life.
We have a car big enough to accommodate 5 kids and a house big enough as had lots of building work done last year. Me and OH have a very strong relationship and when he is home he is so hands on.
So sorry for the huge essay I've just had to get this all off my chest. I guess this chemical pregnancy has just thrown me completely and put me back on the fence when i was so sure we were done. Thanks for reading x

 

[LilacPetal]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I can imagine it would be hard for me to regret having another little one to hold and love

 

[Bevziibubble]

I am sorry for your loss. I agree with the above poster

 

[CharCharxxx]

Aw thanks for your replies ladies. I feel completely frazzled about this. argh what do I do?! Lol I'm so 50 50. I do love my little babies but they do grow up haha x

 

[Luxoire]

awww darling i know how you feel! it is hard, what ever decision you choose, let it be the right one for you. I know us women can sometimes go with our hearts over our heads - but there is no right or wrong answer - have as many or as few as you feel able to deal with physically and mentally. YOU GOT THIS xx

 

[HLx]

Sorry for the loss! But I think sometimes 'accidents' makes you realise just what you really want deep down... if you able to do it and it's what you want, then go for it!

 

[CharCharxxx]

Bless you all for your lovely thoughtful replies thank you! I think I'm going to definitley get OH to cancel the vasectomy for now. And have a good think about it and chat with OH and maybe try around Christmas if I do decide to? It's a hard one because some days I'm like, what the hell this a complete nightmare and feel like I have no control, some days in tears... then others I feel the complete opposite and it's amazing! I suppose that's parenthood for most of us?! X

 

[Bevziibubble]

That sounds like a good plan for now

 

[HopeBT]

Hey Char,
Like you said in your OP, this decision is completely yours.
But here is my little input, sorry if this will offend anyone. I remember you from the other forums and remember you were dealing with some health issues during your pregnancy (I think it was during your last one, I was also pg with my DD).
As you mentioned you do not have a very good support network from your extended family, how do you deal with 4 little ones now when the husband is away? Do you think you will be able to handle 4 lo and a newborn on your own for 50% of the time? I honestly think you are an AMAZING mom, dealing with 4 with husband away half the time. I almost had a mental breakdown when my DH was away for a week, and we only have 1. But maybe really think long and hard how you will respond mentally and physically to a new pregnancy, and a newborn. I firmly believe that we all gotta love ourselves first so that we can spread our love to others
If you believe you can handle this and will be happy, then go for it xxx

 

[HopeBT]

And I am soo sorry for your loss, one of the worst feeling ever

 

[CharCharxxx]

And I am soo sorry for your loss, one of the worst feeling ever

Hi Hope bt!
Thanks very much for your reply, yes I think I remember you also! Yes I was suffering extreme anxiety and pre natal depression I had the worst time of my life if I'm honest in my last pregnancy. Then had bleeding issues etc in the 3rd trimester so in and out of hospital. I completely agree with all that you've said and they are big reasons as to why i don't know what the hell to do. It's honestly driving me mad. My head is saying no don't do it just be thankful with what you have, certain things will start getting so much easier and that the sensible thing to do is stop. I'm back on my anxiety medication which is the lowest dose but keeps me ticking over nicely so I'm doing ok. I worry that the influx of pregnancy hormones may rock the boat and send me crashing back down again, that terrifies me the most.. then on the other hand I just find that after the loss it's left me pining for another one in my heart I have no idea what i will do but I'm not going to make any light decisions thats for sure.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Hope all is well with you and your LO xx