Do you think its irresponsible?

[cherry22]

To have another child?

Some of you will know Finleys story if you have seen my other post, and ill start by saying that more children are not even going to happen for a very long time! (if they happen at all!!)
But ive been struggling with how i feel about having more babies!

My husband and i always said we would love to have 3 children and i still cant bring myself to say ill never have another child EVER, but because of what happend to finley im now faced with the question is it irresposible of me to get pregnant ever again knowing what they have to go through if it were to happen again??

Id go to the ends of the earth for my children and to me to watch them grow up is the best thing ive ever done and ever will do but at the end of the day its not what i go through its what they go through!!

I know that if i was to say to my family that we still wanted just one more to complete our family they would think i was mad and that i should think of the what if's! After all when they say it wont happen to me, i have to say theres a chance!!

Honest opinions please!!! xx

 

[25weeker]

No I don't think you are irresponsible at all. Everything you are feeling is totally natural and I think many of us prem mums have the same thoughts.

There are mums on here who have went on to have full term baby after a prem.

Xx

 

[x-amy-x]

I dont know finnleys story but no, i don't think it would be irresponsible.

You would love your children no matter what... it shouldnt matter what other people think. But i do know how you're feeling

 

[AP]

Id say no it's not. You do what's right for you and your family. We risked it, and we got past due date. We were looked after and monitored

Funny enough it was not long til I started thinking "will I ever be able to have another" but you learn if you could or not

 

[kelly6407]

I did say after I had my daughter at 28weeks due to PE and other complications that I wouldn't have another. I said it would be selfish to put another baby through that for my own selfish needs.


But I'm now 20weeks preg a yr after she was born and this baby was a pleasant surprise, or as I see it, meant to be. Even though I said I always wanted 3 kids (this is baby no.3) I decided 2 was enough after my preemie. But this baby dodged the coil and implanted and started growing like it was meant to be and did it sneakily because it wouldn't have got there other wise lol

I'm so happy he/she is in there and they took my choice away because I wasn't totally happy about not having 1 more baby.

I'm hoping baby will stay put and this pregnancy goes smoothly though, cause I still dont want to put a baby throut the nicu experience again and really hope I avoid it.

 

[preemiepride]

I am so glad you openly asked this question out loud, now I am not the only one who has struggled with this. My 2 year old born at 27 weeks had such a rough road and honestly had every odd against him. I am scared to death of the same thing happening again. So much so that if you would have asked me a year ago I would have told you no way I could do this to another baby. I dont know the exact reason our baby came early I have tried to find out but no one seems to want to invest in the research it would take to formulate a diagnosis. It saddens me and I hope that changes, but we have the right to be happy and have a family. So we decided to give it a go and here we are 4 weeks pregnant! I am going pray and have faith that there is a plan for my family. Preemies have a place. My son changed my whole life, and my husbands. I hope if someone is struggling with this situation they are able to come to terms with the choice they make, because it is a hard one. No matter the outcome of this pregnancy we are getting my tubes tied. This is it! I have faith that our path in life is to be the wonderful parents we are to what ever child is given to us. Good luck and as long as you make an informed choice you are not being irresponsible.

 

[dizz]

I will never get an answer about why things turned out the way they did for us. If you asked me when we were still in the hospital - I'd have booked myself in for sterilisation if you'd let me rather than go through that again... now, since it's very likely that it WAS just "one of those things" - I think I'd go through it again.

The phrasing of the thread title I found a bit strong though - felt like you might be bashing anyone who DID ever TTC again after having a preemie - I know you didn't mean it like that.

 

[cherry22]

Oh no! Thats the last thing i would imply! I would never judge someone for having more children after a preemie that was'nt why i made this thread so im sorry if it came across that way!!

Its how ive been feeling and how i would be judged!
I have already had many, many comments like 'You should stop having kids now your obviously not very good at it!' and 'You'd be silly to have more and go through that again!!'
Thats why its put thoughts in my head!

If you could tell the future im sure no parent would ever choose to have our babies go through what they have and with like most things it will proberly come down to 'luck' and chance!
Ive been told it was one of those things and i know what happend to Fin was so extreamly rare but it happend!

Im almost certain that eny mother and father to a preemie or sick child would always struggle with the what if's about having more children!

Ultimately for me i would go through hell and back to have another child but i will have to talk to someone to see if its safe to do so and make that informed choice when and if the time comes!!
xx

 

[confused87com]

i really had to debate whether to go thru it all again, maybe mostly for my mental health. however i know my little boy had a v rough start in life, and apart from the scars he is such a hapopy little boy that i believe it is worth the risk, if it happens again i will just have to cope and pray for a positive outcome, however i am already v worried so i know that this will be my last baby. 2children will do me, i did want three but with the risk of preemie and spd i just cant do it again after this!
i think only the parents can decide whether it is worth the risks, i look at my little boy and know it was

 

[Sapphiremals]

After loosing a boy when he was 11 days old and born at 31 weeks. I thought i would never be able to go through another pregnancy. For the longest time i could not even look at another baby with out crying. But when me and my husband wanted so badly to have a family we had to make the decision if we could handle the chance of the same thing happening. We now have a 13 month old daughter. Even though the road was rough to get her here, I had a great medical team on my side this time and she delivered at 37 weeks at 6 lbs!!!!!!!! As of today we are pregnant with our last child and we still hope that everything will be okay. I do not think it is irresponsible to have another child after a prem. I would just find the right medical team that will understand what you are going through and help you through the process. I have a obgyn and a fetal specialist and a genetic fetal specialist just to make sure everything will be okay and go as smoothly as it can!

 

[ermm23a]

I had to go through fertility treatments to get pregnant with my son (now 16 months). Towards the end, I started having problems. He quit growing, my fluid got low, I developed HELLP syndrome and he had to be delivered at 33 weeks. He was 3 lbs 10oz at birth and I wasn't able to see him until he was 2 days old. He had to stay in the hospital for a month before he could come home. We have been so blessed that he has had no long term effects of his prematurity, but I was terrified to have another one and risk it again. The preemie beside my son in the NICU didn't make it. And I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child.....

So, since I don't ovulate w/o fertility meds we figured we would just wait a while and decide whether or not we wanted to risk another baby in the future. But.... Sometimes God has other plans! I found out this week that I am 7 weeks pregant. This pregnancy happened w/o fertility aids and we are both shocked. I am cautiously optimistic, but terrified about developing HELLP again this time. My doctor has said that I will be monitored a lot more closely this time. I am nervous about it, but I will take each day as it comes and I feel like God wouldn't give me something I can't handle. I cannot go through this pregnancy in fear, and all I can do is stay on top of things and be sure I am taking care of myself. I know the warning signs now, and I know what to expect. So even if we are dealt the NICU hand again, we know what to expect this time around so maybe it won't be as terrifying.

 

[angelandbump]

I think most mums that have been through what you have will feel that way. In my area you can actually get TTC counselling. This is offered to parents who have had a problematic pregnancy, lsuffered a loss or if you baby was born with an illness following or was a premie. They even speak to any children you have to help them lean how to deal if the worse happened. It may be something to look into and see if they provide it in your area.

I often think about having another baby... but i have only carried to 23 weeks and 34 weeks so i wonder if i can actually carry to term. Was i lucky to carry to term and if so, what if the same happens again like what did with Alyssa, would i be able to live after the loss of another child.

You are the only one that can make that choice but like most mums have said, they are glad they did.

May i wish you alots of luck should you decide to TCC and i hope all goes well xx

 

[TFSGirl]

In my opinion, whether it has happened to you before or not, complications can happen to you, so I don't think it is in any way irresponsible to have more. Unfortunately sometimes things happen and we will just never know why

 

[toothfairyx]

I think this totally depends on the circumstances - mostly no it isn't irresponsible as most complications can be managed with good care, the outlook for the majority of prem babies is excellent and often it isn't certain that the same set of complications will present a second time.

I won't be having anymore though as I think it would actually be irresponsible for me to do so given the problem I seem to have. My chances of another preemie are extremely high, and my chances of a uterine rupture are also terrifically high. Having to have another crash cs has put me right off!! I feel lucky to have my two boys, who amazingly have no apparent long-term problems as a result of their prematurity but who could say that would be the case if I had another if they were even earlier. The different paths they had through NICU was easy to see all for the difference of 5 days or so gestation. I'm sure another would be earlier than Jonny, and if I had a rupture well I could end up dead so where would that leave my OH and my boys? So no more for me.

But I would never judge anyone who went on to have another baby just because their first one was premature. The only time it is truly irresponsible to have another is when your consultant says to you - "It's not a bad idea to not have anymore children" - which is basically what they have said to me! Until you hear that - why not if you want more? At least you will be prepared if you do have another preemie, and I found that knowing what those weeks were going to be like with Jonny in hospital helped me get through it so much better than first time round.

 

[cherry22]

Thank you for sharing your amazing storys everyone! Its comforting to hear that history dosent normally repeat itself.

I dont think its irresponsible to have more children after a premature baby and i know from being in the NICU what miracles they can do for these tiny babies now a days! It was because Finley lost around 90% of his bood into me and i had no idea it was happening unill he stopped moving!
I know that if the time comes i will have to talk to the doctors! Right now i cant even look past a year let alone think long term about our future!

No one can say what the future holds, but i pray its good for all of us!