Does anyone else have a back up plan?

[zowiey]

Me and hubby have been talking more and more about life without children lately, trying not to be too pessimistic, but accepting there is a possibility it may happen.

We have decided that we will keep trying for the next 5 years or so, but after then we have both agreed we will call it quits, we'll never stop "trying" but we both agree we need a back up plan. So, we both want to see the world, We will obviously have nothing holding us back, and will be able to go and do whatever we want! We are both pretty certain that this is what we want, but both my mum and his are upset by our decision.

I don't really understand why tbh, we only have a limited amount of money, so therefore limited amount of attempts at treatment.

So!! My question before I waffled a load of crap!! Do you have a back up plan? Or do you think we are maybe giving up to easily?

 

[Chris77]

We made a deal that if we can't have kids, DH will always have a Mustang and I'll always have at least 2 dachshunds in the house at all times. (right now I just have one)

So Mustangs and puppies....not a bad consolation prize I guess. Oh, and going on really luxurious vacations.

If this 3rd IUI doesn't work, we're giving IVF 2 attempts (since we'll be financing it, it'll take us 5 years to pay it off and it'll likely be our only attempts) and then calling it quits. Although I'll never stop wishing and hoping.

I'd love to adopt if we can't have our own, but adoption is more expensive that IVF (you need about $20,000 for 1 child) so that takes adoption completely out of the equation.

 

[rachelle1975]

We have spoken about it - IVF is so expensive and we have agreed 3 goes but there has to come a point where we call time as it is approximately £7,000 per go. We can do donor egg share which lessens the costs to £1500 a cycle but my age is against us on that.

I think the worst thing is that the adoption people won't let you start an application until 6 months after treatment has ended - but this is our next step.

Don't get me wrong, life will be sucky for a bit without kids BUT... if i have my husband and we are happy... the world is our oyster

 

[Redfraggle]

We've agreed at three attempts at IVF and then we call it quits. We won't ever stop trying or secretly hoping but we will effectively agree to a life without children at that point. Adoption isn't for us.

We plan on selling our house. It was bought as a family house, nice neighbourhood, schools, park outside the front door. We'll buy a waterside appartment, take regular holidays and be everyones favourite Aunt and Uncle.

Even now we are looking at flats for sale. Helps keep us sane while we go through treatment!

 

[Springflower]

I'm so scared at the thought of never having kids! OH won't even consider it as a possibility. At the moment we've agreed to keep having ICSI for as long as I can cope with it. I'm currently on our 2nd attempt and we've already got another one prepaid so we'll definately have 3 goes. After that we'll keep trying I guess. I already have two fur babies so am not allowed anymore

 

[MySillyGirls]

If this one cycle doesn't work, we are going back to adoption. We adopted our second daughter from Russia in 2005 and it was a wonderful experience and she is an amazing child. We are going to go back to either Russia or China

 

[MySillyGirls]

Chris77, just an fyi, but the US currently has a $13,000 adoption tax credit. It actually comes back in the whole amount. So, if you adopt from either internationally or domestically, you will get $13k back.

 

[ANGEL223]

Its strange really, i spent my 20's never wanting kids then found the right man, settled down and have spend my 30's wishing i could have kids but cant!

Age (37) isnt really on my side now and no matter what i dont plan to try any older than 40 - eventually you have to decide enough is enough! At my age the success rate is one in five so i plan to give it 5 attempts (if necessary) and im currently waiting for attempt 3!!! I dont like to think about what ifs too much but i guess life will just go on as before - its quite hectic anyway as we run a business and care for elderly inlaws so that with a few luxury holidays will give us plenty to do!

 

[Chris77]

Chris77, just an fyi, but the US currently has a $13,000 adoption tax credit. It actually comes back in the whole amount. So, if you adopt from either internationally or domestically, you will get $13k back.

Oh yeah that's right!! I had forgotten about that! Thanks for reminding me!

 

[MySillyGirls]

Chris, I know..I always forget about it too! But, wow, was it nice to get those $$ back with my dd.

 

[Feebee]

Springflower, your post is completely the same as mine would've been except we are having IVF (also onto try number 3) and I only have one little kitten!

I am really heartened by all the posts insisting it is not 'the end of the world' not to have children. At the moment it rather feels to us like it would be but obviously we just need to talk more about it. I completely agree that as long as we are happy together then we can get through anything....

 

[zowiey]

Thanks for your replies ladies! I was starting to feel that maybe it was a bad thing to have the back up plan, but for us, although it will be so hard if we don't ever have a baby, we can't let our lives end, we just have to adjust and live an alternative life.

 

[avenna]

Reading these post have helped me not to give up. Found out yesterday that we are being referred for ICSI so technically speaking I'm right at the beginning compared with some people so it is nice to know that you havent given up hope and aren't letting it take over your lives.
Plus a future full of fancy apartments and luxury holidays doesn't sound half bad really!! xx

 

[teapot]

After almost 8 yrs of ttc on & off, we are about to embark on IVF due to tubes blocked. We've agreed we'll give it two shots of IVF. If still no BFP at that point, we'll discuss the possibility of a third, but we're both of the mindset (at the moment) that 2 goes & call it a day.
We don't feel like it will be the end of the world if we don't have children. After 16yrs together, we are used to it being just us, but children would be a bonus.

On the other hand, we've only found out that we are 'unlikely' to conceive without IVF fairly recently, so we're still in the worried stage about messing with nature etc and realise that once we start on this bumpy road our minds could change.

Rambling again!

Best of luck everyone. x

 

[MrsF]

thankyou for starting this thread I think talking about a back up plan is natural when you've been unsuccessful in previous treatments x x x

we're gonna do this frozen transfer, plus one after (as we've got two in the freezer) as it's nhs funded. We'll definitely pay for one more fresh cycle of ivf (remortgage job though).

if after that cycle we're still no further forward, we too will be travelling. We've decided to work like crazy to pay as much of the mortgage off as we can, take early retirement, sell the house and buy a wee flat or bungalow (but posh ) somewhere,and just travel where and when we want to.

My regular GP is so sweet, when i go for other ailments, he always asks how we're doing ivf wise, and he always says that 1 in 3 couples split up over IVF, and we're doing well to keep communicating to each other. I guess what i mean ladies is that if we don't get the family we once dreamed of, I will (try, cos it's easier said than done) count my blessings that I have my DH, and if we can do this for yonks, we can do anything. don't get me wrong, i've had some major wobbles and depression as a result of unsuccessful attempts, and i don't think a life without children will be easy at all.

keep posting ladies, i think this thread is bloody brilliant and may help us find comfort if our lives don't go as we plan

 

[Blue12]

Dh and I have discussed only doing 2 ivf/icsi. We have just been through our first failed one. We talk about going on to adoption next, but have also considered living without children. All of them seem to be an option that we are willing to do.

I read a book called unsung lullabies - and it talks a lot about what a huge grief it is to lose the life that you dreamed/hoped for/expected - but that you need to re-write your life story and head in that direction.

 

[MySillyGirls]

Ladies, while I would never tell anyone how to live their lives, I do want to profess that adoption has been absolutely amazing for us. My point is that don't condemn yourselves to a life without children if that is what you really want. I have this framed in my daughter's room:

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone. But, still, miraculously, my own. Don't forget...no, not for a minute. You grew not under my heart, but in it."