Does this sound selfish??

[Logiebear]

After I lost my last baby I withdrew to my house and my new husband and kids. We had told everyone on our wedding day that we were proudly expecting our 4th baby! I had bleeding and went for a scan a month later at 10 weeks and I know many of you on here know my story. The scan showed our baby had died. After I had gone to hospital and had the op 2 weeks later after trying to have a natural m/c I gave up. I still haven't told alot of my friends!! It was on May16th when I had ERPC so ages ago but I can't bring myself to tell people.

Is it just me or when you tell people about it does the conversation always seem to switch to them!! I don't know if this makes sense to you but this is how I feel. It always goes as follows, the red lines are my friends:

"How are you and your bump?"
"Oh I lost the baby back in May!"
"Oh no how awful, I'm so sorry I didn't know"
"It's ok"
"I have put my foot in it now and I feel awful"
"It's ok, I'm fine, sorry I didn't tell you!"
"Are you ok now"
"Yes, it doesn't matter"
"I'm so sorry for you and Dave"
"It's fine ok I have to go now"
"Ok see you soon and sorry again"
"It's ok thanks"

Now I hate appologising for what happened and I hate it when people get so embarrassed and you end up saying "It's ok" because it isn't. It DOES matter and it's not ok!! I hurt inside like no one would know unless they have been through it and I fed up of appoligising to people so I have just not told them!!

Do you think I'm crazy for feeling like this and should just tell them!!

 

[Mynxie]

you're not crazy sweetheart

 

[todteach]

I find myself saying the same things. And you know, it does matter, this is my baby that I'm talking about and my baby's gone. My mom told me that it's sad that I've taken up smoking again (2 weeks after my miscarriage)....having quit before we ttc. I told her that it's sad that my baby's dead.

But yes it seems as though we are worried about others feelings; they don't know what to say to us, if they've never experienced this heartache. I wish this pain on no one. I'm sorry that you have gone through this too. And no, you're not being selfish. It's really hard to talk to people, when you don't want to end up in tears.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[Logiebear]

I bumped into an old friend yesterday and she did the best thing that anyone has done when I told her, she grabbed me and hugged me so tightly, that's because she miscarried twins over 6 yrs ago so she knows the tragedy. From now on if anyone tells me some thing like that I will just hug them. It helped me so much xxx

 

[tansey]

I never told anyone so i didn't have to have those conversations but i can see what you mean and i think that your friend hugging you would have been the reaction i would have wanted.

 

[Hevz]

It's shitty babe and no matter what people say....it'll never be what you want to hear I'm afraid.

Here's some of the crappy things that were said to me when I lost my second child....

You can always try for another one

You're young

Everything happens for a reason ......WTF

At least you know you can get pregnant

Just let it go over your head as much as possible and try not to dwell on what people say. They get embarrassed and lose control of their mouths babe

 

[Snowball]

I think people who haven't been through a loss just don't know what it's like so they say things that they think are right but are not. I don't think it's their fault but I do admit sometimes things can come across insensitive and quite hurtful

Sending you hun

 

[Logiebear]

My mum said "I suppose it was a blessing that it happened!" I was gob smacked and had a massive go at my mum for this. She said it infront of other kids too! It was so thoughtless. I know what she meant, she meant the same as saying "everything happens for a reason" ie the baby had something wrong with it and that's why it happened. I wanted to scream!!

 

[Tilly]

You're not crazy, but it sounds as if she was embarrassed and just didn't know what to say herself.

Sorry about your loss.

 

[superp123]

You're not crazy at all. After my first mc, I found it hard to leave the house and face people too. I did, of corse, but it was the hardest part of it because we told everyone. Months/years later, peopel who I didn't tell about the mc were still were asking "how's the pg/baby going?" Trust me, that's harder, it just prolongs the pain with constant reminders from people out of the loop.
Try to get it fixed in your head that you're going to be honest with people and say its not okay. It the politest possible way. Say, "Yes, I'm sorry I hadn't said anything it's just been really hard for me."
And if that's something you're just not up for... you could always tell your closest friends. News travels as they say.
Hope you're feeling better soon hun. Remember, you've got nothing to appologize for.
P

 

[mindy1600]

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I have recently lost one myself. I have a friend who is pregnant right now, and I can't stand being around her right now. Just seeing her reminds me of what I don't have. She is very sweet, but I find excuses to not be around her. She trys to help, but all I want to do is push her away....

 

[jpruessner]

Here's some of the crappy things that were said to me when I lost my second child....

You can always try for another one

You're young

Everything happens for a reason ......WTF

At least you know you can get pregnant

When my wife and I lost our baby a few months ago, we heard these things alot and it shocked me how people could say those things. We were also told, "Oh well, you still have 2 other kids." WTF! If one of those kids died would they say the same thing? Just because it was a baby that hadn't been born yet people thought we had no connection whatsoever. It amazes me what people will say.

 

[Logiebear]

I think that people just don't think. I bumped into an old friend I haven't seen since my wedding in April and I was telling everyone I was pregnancy then. She asked me how I doing and I told her I lost the baby in May and she didn't say anything she just grabbed me and hugged me, I cried and haven't done that with some one other than my husband since it happened. It was the best response I've had I swear if anyone ever tells me that they have lost a baby I will just hug them. She asked how I was after we hugged and I said baring up.

My husband and I aren't telling anyone yet that we are pregnant again as we can't go through all the questions and if anything happens again I'm not prepared to tell people yet!!!

 

[Uvlollypop]

its hard for people to find the write words sometimes, i went through a stage of telling that the baby was fine (people like dentists and stuff) cause it was easier than going over everything again.

hugs

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I'm sorry for your loss and Im sorry people are being so inconsiderate. No, it's not you, you are not crazy.

 

[honeybunch2k7]

It's shitty babe and no matter what people say....it'll never be what you want to hear I'm afraid.

Here's some of the crappy things that were said to me when I lost my second child....

You can always try for another one

You're young

Everything happens for a reason ......WTF

At least you know you can get pregnant

Just let it go over your head as much as possible and try not to dwell on what people say. They get embarrassed and lose control of their mouths babe

I think my blood pressure has gone up! Those things sound very familiar. Why do people act like it will kill them to be the least bit compassionate???

I hate how people try to rationalize it. My mom told me after my miscarriage that

I had nothing to offer a baby.

Grandpa said

It was a sign from God
Ex-effing-scuse me wtf did you just say???

The worst I have received imply that they and I should be oh so happy I lost the baby ( ie oh well baby would have ruined your life anyway). WTF???


Here's another for the OP.