Don't feel that I can relate to anyone

[pink.crazy]

Ugh! I thought by now I'd be ok about things. LO is 8 months old, and I still feel like I need to talk about things/get things straight in my head. No one really understands. Everyone thinks that because he's ok NOW, putting weight on etc that *I'M* ok. I'm not!! I'm not over everything that happened!!!!

Moan over.

 

[katy1310]

You are so not alone hunny. It's coming up to Sophie's first birthday in a couple of weeks, and I'm still not ok. I have just started counselling, and was put on anti depressants just before Christmas. I felt like I coped better than I expected while Sophie was in neonatal and first home, then I felt like I was falling apart a couple of months later. I'm not saying I was ever ok, but I coped better than I expected. It took till Sophie was 9 months for be to admit I wasn't ok. The doctor told me that you cope and cope and cope because you have to while your baby is in neonatal, then when you first come home you're happy because your baby is home etc, then after a while things kind of go back to normal, the worry part is over, normal life resumes and then your mind decides it's not going to cope any more.

I still think so much about how Sophie was 3 months in neonatal away from me, I didn't have a "normal" birth, didn't have the 3rd trimester at all, didn't get to bring my baby home etc etc. I worry in case she doesn't know I'm her mummy because we didn't have that bonding time in the minutes after her birth. My counsellor said that he would be more worried if I didn't have all these feelings though.

I'm beginning to start to overcome things a bit but I still struggle with a lot. I'm finding it hard coming up to her first birthday, thinking "this time last year...." Of course I'm so happy that she's fine, she's meeting her milestones, she's healthy and happy - but I'm not fine!

It's really common in premmie mummies hun, go to your GP and have a chat - they might be able to refer you for counselling too - also I'm sure lots of us on here have felt this way. I'm here for a chat any time - just pm me. You've spent so much time thinking about your LO, now it's time to think about you. xxxxxx

 

[Foogirl]

It is really hard for people to understand that just because everything is "fine" now, doesn't mean you are ok. We have so much to get through, to process and during the weeks / months when LO is in NNICU, there doesn't seem to be the time to deal with how WE are doing. And we have a lot to get straight in our heads. Full term mums, families, friends who haven't been there, just don't get it.

As well as trying your GP, you can contact Bliss to see if they can provide some help for you. I'm not sure exactly where you are, but there might be a local support group in your area. https://www.bliss.org.uk/page.asp?section=803&sectionTitle=Support+groups+and+local+reps If there isn't, you could start one. There are bound to be others in your area who feel the same.

Talking to and meeting with other mums who know what you are going through is a great help.

And we are always here too!

 

[toothfairyx]

There was a charity organisation offering support at the hospital we were at (Royal Berks, Reading) where you could have 6 sessions counselling if you felt you needed - might there be anything similar at your hospital?

 

[Agiboma]

you are soooooooooooo not alone i am also still traumatized, im actually in counselling for this maybe 1 day i will get over it

 

[mrsbeanbump]

I know what you mean, I get comments from friends now saying that he is not really a preemie anymore as he has done very well gaining weight... and its so frustrating as your lo will always be a preemie, you just stop adjusting the age...and no one really knows what we go through and each case is unique. I feel its hard for people to understand, especially as you say when lo's are 'fine now'. I'm part of our local support group in lincs so pm me if you're in this area. hugs xx

 

[PrincessPea]

You are so not alone dear, I am still trying to put all my thoughts in order about what happened and some times are worse than others. It just all seems to be swimming about in my head and I am not sure what to do with it. I am hoping time is a great healer! You are right though, no one really seems to understand unless they have been through it, despite peoples best efforts and intentions. I am coming up to around the time last year when I fell pregnant and I just know I am going to spend the time going 'This time last year I would have been.......'

I dont know that it will ever fully go away but I am sure it fades with time.

 

[pink.crazy]

Ladies thanks so much for the support.. I've been relucant to reply, I'm not trying to be ignorant but I can't seem to find the words! I seem to be ok and then I have days where things go round and round in my head..
Anyway, thank you

 

[Foogirl]

Ladies thanks so much for the support.. I've been relucant to reply, I'm not trying to be ignorant but I can't seem to find the words! I seem to be ok and then I have days where things go round and round in my head..
Anyway, thank you

Don't ever feel you can't just ramble. Sometimes just typing it all out, or writing it all down, can help you get it organised in your head.

And we'll all be here to listen.

 

[PrincessPea]

Ladies thanks so much for the support.. I've been relucant to reply, I'm not trying to be ignorant but I can't seem to find the words! I seem to be ok and then I have days where things go round and round in my head..
Anyway, thank you

Don't ever feel you can't just ramble. Sometimes just typing it all out, or writing it all down, can help you get it organised in your head.

And we'll all be here to listen.

hear hear

 

[pink.crazy]

Thanks so much ... that means a LOT

Ok you've set me off rambling now lol.....
My main thing is, as soon as people see him they tell me how they can't believe he was prem and how massive he is (14lbs at 8 months) how well he's done... I feel bad because I *should* feel happy and proud that he's come so far and I do but I also feel angry that people seem to disregard the prem side of things.
Not many people visited him in hospital so they really have NO idea what the environment was like. I shed most of my tears by the side of his incubator and held it together in front of people so as far as they're concerned I've "dealt with everything sooo well" blah blah..I don't feel that I had a bond with many of the nurses and the one time we visited neonatal I felt that they didn't even recognise us despite the 8 weeks we spent there.
We had next to no aftercare once we left neonatal, I had one visit from the outreach team and 2 from the health visitor and apart from seeing the consultant twice (and his eye tests early on) we've been on our own.
I feel a lot of guilt towards both boys.... my 4 year old had such a crap time last year I was in hospital at 5 weeks, 11 weeks, 15 weeks.... and so on. I spent 3 weeks in June/July until Leo was born.
I also feel that I didn't spend enough time with Leo, at the time I wanted to be selfish and be with Leo when I wanted but I didn't feel that I could and ended up seeing him on a rota basis which makes me feel like rubbish....

If anyone's got this far...... thanks for listening

 

[BabyK'sMam]

thank you so much for posting this thread, i was feeling like i was the only one feeling like this and like others have mentioned i am sick of people especially family saying well he's alright now, as if that means i can't still feel emotional over the stress of a premature birth and the worry of having a baby in NICU.

now Evan is 7 months I feel like I can't talk about the hard time that Evan and I had as to everyone else it was in the past and worst is over, yet to me the memories are still very fresh.

it's nice to know that others feel the same way as me, although i wouldn't wish it on any one.

 

[AP]

The problem is, there will be times where you feel back on the wagon, so to speak. Everything calms down, things go swimmingly, but then theres triggers that make you remember. Like
posts on here,
pictures,
rants,
TV programmes,
birthdays,
due dates,
special dates,
finding that keepsake you forgot about in NICU.....

I bang on too much about Alex (at least I believe so) , whether that be on here, or Facebook, or to friends. I'm pretty sure a certain one or two people I know are sick fed up of me still going on, and on... but that's the process we deal with and they didnt.

However I do agree you should see the GP - funny enough it was about Leos age that I gave in and seen the GP and I think ive seen a few girls here who would say the same!
It didnt hit me how hard things were until I sat in that chair and told her everything, and filled in the PND questionnaire (truthfully this time, rather than carefully selecting a 'right' sounding answer :dohh)

We often don't give ourselves time to take it all in when they're in NICU, we just go into auto pilot, and once we're out, that's when things can creep up on you.

Thing is, what you are saying and feeling is totally normal so don't ever think it's out of place!

 

[toothfairyx]

I think that rather than PND what happens to us is more like post-traumatic stress disorder. Thats how it felt to me just a massive big shock cos no-one ever told me I might have my baby early and it would come out of the blue on a normal day, when everything had been normal and I'd been told everything was totally fine.

I had my melt-down at my GP's around 4 weeks after Jamie was born, and whilst Jamie seemed to be progressing from strength to strength I just got worse and worse. I think you will find your GP will be very sympathetic and helpful.

I am feeling much much better but I think it's because I had some treatment and started it early, but there is the odd thing I see, hear or think about and I'm back there that night and crying so it does catch you out. I don't think you go through what we have without it affecting you hugely xx

 

[PrincessPea]

I agree, I'm not sure how it is I feel but I would certainly say most of what you are describing are feelings I have had at one point or another, its sooo hard, but I think Toothfairy is right, it seems to be more like PTSD.

Definitely has left huge effects though and I would think everyone on here would say the same or similar. xxx

 

[Agiboma]

ptsd definetly reliving the full NICU expereince, @ least to me thats how it feels and i think the counselling for me is helping a little, i hope time ultimately makes it better

 

[vermeil]

i've been thinking about this thread lately, which I read almost a month ago ... just wanted to say thank you, it has helped me see I'm not alone finding it hard to 'get over it'. My little guy is 7 months corrected and I still struggle emotionally. He has a few lingering issues and doctors describe his future as 'uncertain'.

My friends and family listen and nod politely but it's quite obvious they don't 'get it'. I think only another preemie parent can understand the profound impact this has on us.