Dont know what to do anymore, need friendly advice pls...

[mumof1+1]

Im at my wits end, I really cant take anymore. 6 years ago I moved away from family and friends to be with a fella that turned out to be a cock, at the time my daughter was 3. 3 weeks after I left my hometown her father basically abandoned her, told me he'd met someone else and would see me and dd whenever and that was that. Split from the bloke little over 3 years later, got a new place all fine. But over the course of the last 18 months dd has become more than a handful, constantly talking to me like im scum, something off the street, not her mum. Last night she argued with me from 3.30 school out til i eventually called it a day and sent her to bed at 7.30 all because someone had "stolen" her bookbag....

Turned out it was not stolen but she had walked out of class with someone elses and her's was in fact still in the damn classroom but for 4 hours solid i was argued with, no matter how much it old her to stop or whatever, she even had the audacity to ask if she could go play out...erm... i dont think so....

Well, tonight, i let her out, told her to be in when the lights came on...yeah right. I had to go look for her. I was wanting tea, 5 months pregnant and starving. So i get argued with again and now she sits in her bedroom acting like everything is perfect, just like her father would in fact. Im at my wits end, she's stressing the hell out of me and i really cant take anymore.

I know to put it in writing it seems petty and pathetic and yes, im aware that she's "just a child" but she's so hurtful, its everyday. She makes me feel like ive done something so drastically wrong, i mean, I bought her a WII for her birthday, and the WII fit plus to go with it and it just gets thrown back in my face. What do i do? What am i doing wrong? I feel like im making a huge mistake bringing another baby into the family. Im trying not to leave her out while buying things for the new baby, buy baby a few bits buy her something, I even copied some of the scan pctures for her so she could have some. I dont know what to do.

Sorry its long but i feel so alone with this right now, i just dont know what to do anymore. Has anyone got any tips or advice which may help???

Thanks for reading xx

 

[Csunshine013]

Hun I was a single mother for the first 6 yrs of my DD's life and she could be a handful let me tell you. Yes we fight and argue and I allow it to go on far to long. I have started taking back my role as mother. I took her phone away after I get home and make her accountable for all her belongings and if then she goes without. I also send notes to her school(which she gets embarassed about) but she does what I want. I have also quit rewarding bad behavior. I don't speak to her when she talks mean to me and the first time I told her so she knows when I don't speak with her she's said or done something incorrect. My daughter spent many a day in the house reading or just sitting in her room. If she is bad then I would take her wii away and not let her play until her behavior improves. When you take the things they really like away they respond.

Hope your life gets better!

 

[bungle]

Hi, I have no children (yet) but I am a teacher and witness the way children speak to their parents on a daily basis and frankly am disgusted!
Do you think this is her reacting to the pregnancy or her trying out a new behaviour?
Either way she's 9 years old and shouldn't be behaving like that! My first step would be to talk to her about her behaviour and explain that it is not acceptable for her to talk to u like that. Secondly I'd sit down with herand work outs rewards and sanctions chart - you want to go out? You gotta earn it! Bottom line is she's old enough to rectify her behaviour and if you don't sort it out now she'll probably become more difficult as time progresses. Don't tell her she's behaving like her dad, she is responsible for her behaviour - nobody else. Be strong Hun, that's what I'd do!!! X

 

[JASMAK]

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter

I thought it was interesting how you stated

"So i get argued with again and now she sits in her bedroom acting like everything is perfect, just like her father would in fact."

I am just wondering if there is some anger or resentment about her father that you are transferring onto your daughter. Something to think about...or perhaps, it is the other way around.

Sounds to me like your daughter is struggling to communicate with you. I am finding myself having issues with my son and he is only 6! I am trying this new approach that I heard about on the evening news...about listening without judging, or even trying to fix things, but just listening, and repeating back what he tells me. I have only been doing it for about a week, so I am not sure how it is going.

I would suggest two things...if you are looking for suggestions. I always like to try and get library books...then you can maybe find one that suits your own personal parenting style. The other is counselling. Let's face it...both you and your daughter have been through alot of crap. I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter has some trust and abandonment issues. They are really good at helping with communication break-downs, and getting to the surface of the real problems. My guess is that the arguement your daughter had with you about her bookbag, was nothing to do with that at all...she is probably angry with something, but either doesn't know that, or doesn't know how to say what is really on her mind.

Whatever you decide...I wish you luck.

 

[mumof1+1]

First of all, thank you for reading my tale, I know its long so I am grateful.

Csunshine013: Im going to try your idea of telling her when I dont speak to her its because she had done/said something wrong,

Bungle: The first time I mentioned her behaviour to her she plainly told me she was a kid and thats what kids do! I was so horrified I didn't respond simply because i didn't really know how or what to even say. I'm not sure if it is a reaction to the pregnancy or what because to be a big sister is what she has wanted for a very long time, maybe the prospect is sinking in, I dont know. I will sit her down in the mornng, we seem to be able to talk on a morning, it starts after school, its as if she trying so hard to excel herself at school when she leaves she just cant retain it no more and im all that is on the receiving end. I know i need to get it sorted hence seeking advice here. I havent physically told her she is behaving like her father, just thought it to myself.

JASMAK: The reason I said that about her father is because when we were together he was violent (only when drunk, but still) but then once he had finished his rant would sit quietly and calmly as tho nothing had in fact happened. I no longer feel anger or resentment towards him, I did for a long time because he abandoned his own flesh and blood but not anymore, i just see it as being his loss now. Thank you for your suggestions, yes, that is what i am looking for, in desperation now, so will be trying them out and seeing where we can go from here.

 

[bungle]

The other thing I'd suggest is setting up a 'worry box' - the idea is that if she's worried about anything she writes it on a piece of paper and pop it in the box. She could decorate the box however she likes but the idea is to get things she is worried about out of her head and into the box. Sounds a bit silly but maybe her behaviour is in response to things she is worrying about (not necessarily the baby). I'd definitely start by talking to her though, maybe she'll open up... Good luck! As I say I'm no expert - just ideas x

 

[bungle]

Ps that's not what kids do! Have u spoken to her teacher to see if he/she has noticed any changes in her behaviour at school?

 

[mumof1+1]

Thanks bungle, thats actually a good idea, can i peak in this box or is it private to her? I recently had parents evening and there has been some changes, not major bad, just how easily distracted she is BUT she hasnt been right since she got her new teacher, to be honest he isnt as nice as her last one at all and I think this is also reflecting in her behaviour. Do you think that sounds fair??? I appreciate your ideas by the way, thank you xx

 

[bungle]

Thanks bungle, thats actually a good idea, can i peak in this box or is it private to her? I recently had parents evening and there has been some changes, not major bad, just how easily distracted she is BUT she hasnt been right since she got her new teacher, to be honest he isnt as nice as her last one at all and I think this is also reflecting in her behaviour. Do you think that sounds fair??? I appreciate your ideas by the way, thank you xx

No problemo! As I say I have taught a huge range of children so the ideas come from many hours spent with behavioural experts. I think that could be something u discussed with ur daughter if she would be happy for you to look in the box or not. But I'd def go back to the teacher and ask why she seems distracted - is it just that she's daydreaming or is she distracted by other children? He ought to be able to keep a particular eye on her for a couple of days and feedback on her mood throughout the day. If u need anything in the future (even just a grumble) feel free to get in touch with me, I don't mind at all xx

 

[mumof1+1]

Thank you bungle, that's very kind of you. I think there may a problem or two stemming from the teacher to be honest, i think, rather than her previous teacher who always seemed to bring himself more down to the childrens level (keeping that little above) her current teacher seems to belittle them more. I was speaking to both her current teacher and her previous teacher after school yesterday and to be honest i felt more comfortable with her old teacher than her new one even tho he can be ok too. Wondering now if her change has anything to do with the new teacher...xx