Don't want father in babys life

[leash]

i really need sum advice on what 2 do...im 14weeks pregnant and broke up with my ex wen i was about 10weeks..cut a long story short i left becuz he has mental isues which i think r caused from smoking marijuana (dont kno how 2 spell it sorry)..he smokes constantly everyday and is drunk everyday u dont c him without a drink in hes hand..the reason i think he has sumthing wrong with hes head is becuz if he doesnt get hes own way he wil literaly pull hes own hair out or cry in front of a crowd of people example my family at my uncles wedding becuz he wasnt getting attention so he told me hes dog died..on a separate ocasion he told me hes uncle died becuz i was going out with my mum..none of this was tru..i really dont want my baby knowing him and i dont know if that is the wrong thing or not but i grew up with my father who is an addict and i have seen alot in my life and had 2 b the adult for my father i dont want drugs or an alcoholic around my baby...am i being cruel by not wanting my baby 2 have its father?..i also dont want him ther wen the baby is born becuz he wil pik on me n fyt with me..i dont want him on the birth certificate and i want the baby 2 have my last name...has any1 else gone thru a similar situation?

 

[bumpbumpbump]

i

 

[joeyjo]

I've never been in a similar situation so can't really advise much but didn't want to read and run.
Hope you get things sorted.

 

[TiaSunset]

First of all for you hun.
I'm going through a very similar situation, the reason I don't want my baby's father in his life is almost identical to your reason! (the smoking, drinking and mental health part.)
A lot of people get so hung up about children "needing" both parents but trust me hun, as long as your baby is well loved by you and you provide the basic needs in life for your baby (shelter, warmth, food, clothing) you will do just fine.
It's not selfish at all, please don't think it is, in certain situations, like yours it is sometimes better to go it alone.
I can completely understand why you wouldn't want him on the birth certificate, I'm the same.
As long as you have some support around you, family, friends then you won't be totally alone.
There are also many services that can help, single parent groups etc, ask your midwife for details on these.
The most important thing to a child is love, so when you have your baby spoil him/her with love and in time teach them that children do not need both parents to be loved/happy.

I wish you the very best for a happy and healthy pregnancy,

Take care, don't stress too much and enjoy your pregnancy.


x

 

[leash]

thank u so much u have really helped me..i just know its going 2 b hard 2 keep him out of the babys life..he changes hes mind somedays he wants 2 b in the babys life n others he doesnt..well i dont want him to i really dont know how 2 go about this..

 

[asacia]

I haven't been through similar, so if I'm out of place, I apologise.

It does sound like this man has some 'issues' - there seems to be something wrong, he isn't just being nasty for the sake of being nasty.

For that reason, why don't you consider supervised visits? You could ask your Mum or another relative to be there while he has an hour a week or an hour a fortnight.

Hopefully at some point in the future, he'll get help for his mental health and drug issues. He might be able to be a decent father, and it'd be a shame for there to not be a relationship to build on.

I think it would be fair to ask him to have not had a drink or taken any drugs on the day he visits. If it is supervised by someone you trust, and he doesn't drink/drug on the day, then is there any harm to him having a small amount of contact?

 

[TiaSunset]

thank u so much u have really helped me..i just know its going 2 b hard 2 keep him out of the babys life..he changes hes mind somedays he wants 2 b in the babys life n others he doesnt..well i dont want him to i really dont know how 2 go about this..

I'm very glad that my advice has helped you

With him changing his mind, this is one stress you simply don't need during pregnancy.
He might make up his mind for sure once baby is born but then again he might not.
You could wait and see if he wants to be a part of the baby's life once baby arrives as he might realize just how important and special a new life is.
It's really tough to decide whilst being pregnant because things will all change again after the baby arrives, with a whole new set of emotions and motherhood to get used to.

My advice to you about this is to try and focus on having as happy and healthy pregnancy as possible, I know it's difficult with these issues but just remember what emotions you feel, the baby feels.
There really is no way of knowing what he will be like after baby is born until that time arrives.
But if he is stressing you out so much then maybe it's best to not contact him at all, maybe even change numbers because stress is bad even whilst not pregnant, you need support around you, not people who don't know their own minds or who stress you out.

Best of luck with this x

 

[Deb&Matilda]

Hi,

I would just like to say if you want baby to have your last name then I would, my babies dad isnt involved and now 6 months down the line would not want him to become the devoted dad my baby as had 9 operations and spent 4 months in hosptial all of which I did alone so dont think he is going to get involved now.
as you are not married you both need to be there to register the birth if he wants his name on certificate so if he isnt there then you couldnt put it on even if he wanted to.
With regards to visits if I was you I would demand supervised visits at a local childrens centre as you have good reasons why and this way he would have to show up every fortnightf or about 1 hour with proper supervision. They assess his and therefore it would take months and months for him to be aloud any sort of visitation and by this time they would either decide he wasnt well enough to look after the baby alone and so supervision would continue or he might sort his life out. I know a lot of people dont like going through the courts but this is a good way of making sure what he wants cause if she messes up with them he wouldnt be able to just turn up again when the baby was say 1 and demand to see the baby as the supervision would have to start all over again. I hope you understand this, maybe speak to your Midwife/ HV about this and see what she advises. I know if my babies dad turns up I will be going down this route.

 

[LilMama2be]

I'm not going to put the father's name on the birth certificate either.
I'm 13 weeks and 2 days, and we broke up 2 months ago (in 2 days).

My mom doesn't want me to put the father's name on the birth certificate either.
If he wants a part in our child's life one day, he'll have to FIND me, I will not go looking for him anytime soon.

 

[Deb&Matilda]

My mum says same too if he wants to know he wil find me but asnt been near xx He even saw me in town other week and said Hiya what xxx I dont think so either ask how she is or ignore me please not pretend it isnt happening xx

 

[teresarobbins]

You are being a good mom! What if he fought to get rights to see the baby? Would you trust him alone with the baby...I mean I know a friend whose ex is an alcoholic and he wrecked with the kids in the car cause he was drinking and driving. Do you want that?

 

[Donna79x]

Don't put his name on the BC. It's the biggest mistake I have made!!!!!!!!!!!! No idea why I did this!!!! He as mental health history and as no clue with her. He sees her every fortnight for 4-5 hrs (his choice) but soon wants to take her on his own.. no chance when he thinks a baby should lay in poo till next feed (4hrs away) and darent pick her up incase she cries... she is a very happy baby with people she knows grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[Wobbles]

i really need sum advice on what 2 do...im 14weeks pregnant and broke up with my ex wen i was about 10weeks..cut a long story short i left becuz he has mental isues which i think r caused from smoking marijuana (dont kno how 2 spell it sorry)..he smokes constantly everyday and is drunk everyday u dont c him without a drink in hes hand..the reason i think he has sumthing wrong with hes head is becuz if he doesnt get hes own way he wil literaly pull hes own hair out or cry in front of a crowd of people example my family at my uncles wedding becuz he wasnt getting attention so he told me hes dog died..on a separate ocasion he told me hes uncle died becuz i was going out with my mum..none of this was tru..i really dont want my baby knowing him and i dont know if that is the wrong thing or not but i grew up with my father who is an addict and i have seen alot in my life and had 2 b the adult for my father i dont want drugs or an alcoholic around my baby...am i being cruel by not wanting my baby 2 have its father?..i also dont want him ther wen the baby is born becuz he wil pik on me n fyt with me..i dont want him on the birth certificate and i want the baby 2 have my last name...has any1 else gone thru a similar situation?

You slept with him? *shrugs*

Sorry to be blunt but you did and unless abuse or violence is an issue everything else that raises concerns can be controlled - like supervised visits. You keep yoru child from danger or a situation of not being looked after properly definately but as a child who grew up with no and little family I don't think anyone has the right to take Dad away from the child.

My father is not a great bloke (drugs) I met him at about 21 for the first time but nomatter what anyone says I still feel bitter that before that day the decision was taken from me.

You don't have to have him on the birth certificate either but can I just say every child has the right to know their Dad and guess what only my Mums name is on mine another thing that makes me bitter and sad.

Just my opinion and my thoughts as 'child'.

You can gain 100% rights to your child at the fathers agreement through a solicitor if you wish to put his name on the certificate you can without his co-operation too just takes longer - sorry forgot the name of the documents for this but a quick solicitors trip will clear all that up.

People who have mental health issues need help not punished! Changes in our lives effect us every day some people just need a chance and direction for changes. Don't slam the door.

Good luck with whatever comes for you all in the future.

 

[Stef]

Sorry, Im also going to put a downer on this.

If you had all these concerns in the firt place why not use contraception? Only assuming the pregnancy wasn't planned, If it was then more fool you i'd say.

The guy sounds like he needs help, however he would need at admit this himself firstly to be able to change. If he dosent change & e does want access to his child then as wobbles advised supervised access can be arranged.

I have just gone through the last 2 and a half years supporting my partner in a custody battle to his 3 year old. Unfortunately money has run out & we cant run up any more in solictors debts etc but my partner is at no fault, he is a fantastic father to our baby and also to his daughter from a previous relationship when he did have acess to her. I don't know who the bloody hell people think they are when they wont allow people to hav accss to their own children. I cant see the concern under supervised visits. Its why these things are in place.

Sorry tobe so blunt but ive had it up to here with these kind of things, He has legal rights and parental responsibilities an whats more, if he wants to play an active part in his childs life then he can request school reports, medical records etc and there is nothing you can do about it.

Perhaps you should have thought about the bigger picture before having unprotected sex

 

[leeanne]

I have to say that I do have a concern about not naming the father on the birth certificate, and I know many have issues and reasons. But I often wonder how the child feels later on when it says "unknown" for father on the birth certificate.

I find that irregardless of what you think of the guy, etc. that child has every right to know who he/she father is and make their decision about their own father when old enough to.

 

[leeanne]

Just as an addition to the above, what if something happened to the mother? Or what if the child suffers from health problems once they become an adult and need to know the health history of their father?

Etc.

 

[March mummy]

My baby having my name to and his dad wont be on the birth certificate either for similar reasons. He an alcoholic, who does drugs occasionally especially if he sulkingand thinks he'll get attention. He had ligher gas for his lighters and decided to inhale it all because he didnt get his own way once. They pathetic waste of spaces and its not worth worrying about them, you'll be better off without him and so will your LO.

It is not selfish in the slightest, its common sense, the last person you want by your side when you in labour is someone thats drunk thats going to stress you out.

 

[March mummy]

I not going to stop the father seeing his child if he wants to supervised unless he can prove he changed and not on anything, but he wont be on the baby's birth certificate as unless he starts to show an interest in this baby's life why should he be? I can add him on later if he becomes involved easily enough.

I will never stop him seeing his child but I not going to force him to see his baby either its up to him. My baby will know everything that they want to know about there father as I have filled in a baby book with the address of LO's father, name, date of birth, job (unemployed) etc. I have not put that they an alcoholic drug addict waste of space and have told my family that I dont want the baby to here that, they have to make there own decision on what there dad like, but if he doesnt want to be part of the baby's life then the baby can when older choose to make contact with him if they wish.

I dont want his name on the birth certificate because as you asked yourself what if something happens to me? If something happens to me and he on the birth certificate he gets the parental responsibilty for that child which he doesnt want and that baby could be taken away from all the family or a custody battle could commence. If he not on birth certificate and something does happen to myself atleast I can have in place some back up as to who looks after my child and then know that the baby will still be able to be cared for by family and know everything about both parents.

 

[audaciousanna]

I broke up with my ex only a week ago, but for the third time. This pregnancy was accidental but a complete blessing, as ive always wanted a daughter and recently found out im having a girl.
When we first met it was a whirl wind romance and he moved in with me and my parents only a couple of months later, when he was asked to leave his friends house. We were both unemployed for a few weeks and in that time we werent getting on well at all, because he was borrowing money off me constantly, in fact he got through 1,300 of my savings in the space of a two months and i think that is an outrageous amount of spending for someone whos not doing much with themselves. It was when he came home drunk and head butted me that i broke up with him. Unfortunately i decided to give him another chance when i found out i was pregnant at 9 weeks. My initial instinct was it would never work, but i didnt want to completely dismiss him, as hes always wanted to be a dad.
However, a week later i was bleeding heavily and in agony, thought i was miscarrying and we got in a huge row because he wanted to go out with a friend rather than take me to hospital, he just lost his temper completely with me. I was living in a flat with his friends at this point and starting to feel very isolated because everyone was smoking in the front room so i chose to sit in my room for the health of the baby. This caused problems for us, as all he wanted to do was get drunk in the frontroom and play on the playstation until 5 in the morning despite having a job to go to. We'd never talk or spend time together.
Over christmas, for three weeks, he spent no time with me and for a week i spent every night crying, and asking him when he was coming to bed because it was the only time i ever get to talk to or hug him. He would get angry and storm back out to the playstation again. Then he started threatening to kick me out on a weekly basis a few months ago, throwing my stuff all over the room, punching walls, slapping me in the face, pressing against my belly, waving his fists around, calling me a slag, tramp, bitch, c***, accusing me of being mental, telling me im going to be a terrible mother etc. Last week he kept me in the room and wouldnt let me out because i told him i wasnt happy in our relationship, he shook me and because i looked confused n hurt, he took it out on the wardrobe, punching it til his fists bled, then telling me "at least i punched the wardrobe and not you!!" but that kind of stress isnt good for me or baby. i told him 5 times in the space of a three and a half hour attack (only word i can find for it) that i was having severe abdominal cramps from the stress and chest pains.
Eventually he let me out, demanding i go and get money before i pack my bags and leave. I called the ambulance and was taken to hospital. He then turned up there and was sweet as pie for a while, took some money off me to get me a snack, but then my brother phoned up to check i was ok and he went ballistic, started shouting abuse at me infront of a whole ward full of women waiting to go in to labour!!! then threatened to kill my brother, took the keys and fled.
Understandably i went back to live with my family the same day.
Now i dont want him to be on the birth certificate incase one of these days he gets spiteful and decides to go for custody. Although we're friends now, he is incredibly temperemental and volatile. I split up with him so our baby girl never has to see us lose our temper with each other. However i do want him to have involvement because it means so much to him.
Because i dont want to put him on the birth cert, i also want my daughter to have my surname. He wont let this happen easily though, he wants to be there for the birth and im happy to have him there, but what happens when i then tell him his name will not be on the birth cert? I have no idea how bad his threats or actions towards me will be.
So i guess im confused as to whether it is a good or bad idea to put him on the birth cert? or even have him at the birth. If i dont put him on the birth certificate does that mean that he cant go to the courts for custody?
Thanks for any help xx

 

[audaciousanna]

Im 25 weeks at the moment, so not long to go now