Don't want to offend anyone.... weird thoughts

[Euronova]

I know this is going to sound awful and really I actually don't wish it on anyone but I keep seeing signature of people who had miscarriages...

I can't even begin to imagine the pain but I can't even have a positive OPK.... let alone a positive HPT....

I sort of wish sometime that i had been even a bit pregnant... just so i would feel it is possible... even just for a few days.... I know how horribly disappointed I would be if it did not stick but I seem so far from ever being pregnant... I sort of get jealous of women who have been that wee bit closer to the goal...

how bad is that.... anyone felt the same?

 

[MariaF]

Yes, me!

And I got booted off another ttc forum for opening up about it they basically called me an insensitive b*tch...

I totally understand where you are coming from. Of course we are not wanting a m/c, no one would wish that on themselves or anyone else! But to me just the idea of being able to fall pregnant is like half way there!!

I also didn't get positive opk's last year. I took Clomid and finally had ovarian drilling. Since march I had pretty regular cycles. But still, each positive opk is like a Miracle! I keep taking pictures of them and I still can't understand how women with regular cycles must be feeling... To them its like business as usual. They've never known it any other way.

I have this really stupid feeling that if I got a BFP and it didn't work out at least ill know I CAN get pg... Its really difficult to explain this though. Unless you felt the same way, people usually don't understand how you can possibly feel jealous of someone who had a m/c...

 

[Euronova]

thanks you've worded it perfectly... i feel exactly the same... starting clomid soon... (hopefully)....
I feel a little bit less weird

 

[Sophe]

I've never ever had a BFP... so i kind of see what you are saying, but you can only understand something when you've been there, I guess those ladies are hurting as much as us, they had a little break from the pain but have been sent right back down.. But i do know what you mean, if we had a BFP at least we would know it was possible for us, but we don't even know that at this stage which is equally as hard i think as having a BFP and loosing... its empty and lonley frustrating and you still feel greif... greif for the children you'll never have... or feel at that moment you'll never have .. iykwim x

 

[SmileyKez]

I have had a mc but I can totally see where you are coming from! I spent almost 2 years convinced I couldn't conceive, not helped by something a Dr once said to me, wrongly, about me possibly having an STD, which I didn't! I eventually got pg on my 22nd cycle, on clomid, and although I mc and I was incredibly painful and upsetting, I did feel a huge sense of relief that I could get pg, and if I did it once I can do it again! Of course it hasn't happened again yet, so now I'm like ok, I can get pg so why hasn't it happened again, lol!
So yeah, I totally understand what you are saying, although sometimes one question is just replaced with an equally frustrating one!
We'll all get there, I'm sure!

 

[futurephotos]

Hi Euronova-

I'll start out by saying I do get what you mean (and I'm not at all offended). I just wanted to share my perspective on it...

Before I ever got my first positive we'd been trying for about 4-5 months already. So I know what it is like to be trying but not getting pregnant too. I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong.

The first BFP I was so thrilled! I've never felt that kind of excitement and anticipation before.... but sadly that didn't last long- I started bleeding just a few days after finding out. When I had that MC I was really crushed. You never think it is something that will happen to you - until it does. I did comfort myself at fist - thinking well, at least now I know I can be pregnant. However, then I MC a second time 2 months after the first. It went back to the same starting point... what's wrong with me?

So- I can get pregnant, but if it doesn't stick, then I'm still no closer to my goal of having a child. I still go through the whole ttc "drama" every month. I still don't have any children. We've been trying for 9 months now. I guess I don't see much of a difference between not ever getting pregnant and getting pregnant, but loosing it right away- in terms of neither gets you closer to the outcome you want to have happen. Whether you're having problems getting pregnant, or staying pregnant - you're still having a problem. You feel like a failure either way. You still don't have any answers as to why something isn't going right.

The thing I would say now having had these loses is that I'm no longer excited by a BFP. I still want one, but when I get one I worry- will I just loose it again? So for me the joy and innocence of pregnancy is gone. I'll never enjoy it as much because I'll always fear the outcome. I can honestly say I'd trade not being pregnant for the past 9 months over being pregnant twice and loosing them. I'd rather wait longer and then when I get pregnant experience no problems than get pregnant multiple time but not have it develope.

 

[Euronova]

Hi futurephoto,

I totally get you and I do not really wish it up on me. To be fair, we've had so much disapointment in the last year I think I will fear a m/c even if I never had one.
I think when nothing happens at all, not even ovulation, you feel so down sometime you wish something different would happen, whatever it is.
I know I would be crushed if I had an m/c and I am sorry you had to go through that.
These are just thoughts, things you end up thinking when you go a bit loopy with all this TTC business.... I just wondered if others share these thoughts and to be fair I wish I never came to the point of being so low I nearly wished this upon myself...

 

[lizzywiz]

Euronova, I have felt the same way.
Thank you for being brave enough to bring this up. Truly, thank you all for your honesty and kindness in asking and answering these questions. It was so nice to see people being understanding and supportive when someone takes a risk and shares something sensitive.
You ladies are awesome and you are making me feel less alone in this struggle.

 

[rosebud_01_99]

hi there,

i totally felt the same until i had a pg by ivf and had a m/c a week later, then 2more all ivf pgs and all after bfns as well, it roughly takes me 3 ivfs to get a bfp then i m/c a week later , not only do you have the emotional stress of m/c i just paid thousands of pounds to get that far, then its all gone, i would love just once to get a natural bfp on tablets or something so it dosnt cost thousands to try and get a chance to be pg. i guess with pcos and high nk cells tho i havent much of a chance,

this if journey is such a tough road for all of us in all stages of it.

rosebud

 

[LizMcD]

I know how you feel and having never had a bfp myself I have felt the same. Of course we don't wish it upon anyone, but it would be nice to know we can do it!!!

baby dust xxx here's to our future bfp xx

 

[Armywife84]

Definitely understand what you're saying. Never have had a , but we're facing male infertility..so we may or may not be able to do it naturally. The longer it goes, the more I'm convinced it's not going to happen the good old fashioned way.

I used to think give me something, so that way I know we can do it naturally without spending thousands on IVF. However, a friend of mine finally got pregnant after 3 years, found out the child had CDH. She underwent a hell of a pregnancy, with him improving each time. Only for him to finally come out, open his eyes and only live a few hours. Another one of my friends has suffered 2 miscarriages, because she has a problem with her uterine wall. So I now see both sides to the story.

 

[SpicyWolf]

Just wanted to say thanks for being so honest and please know you are not alone. I have had similar feelings many times. 22 months and not a hint of a BFP... it definitely is tough.

 

[SweetJennie]

Euronova I 110% understand what you mean. Before I got pregnant I thought the exact same thing. I was jealous of people who got BFP and had miscarriages. There is no nice way to say it. I was green with envy. They had what I couldn't have. Even if they lost it they got to experience it.

After going through a miscarriage myself I truly wish I have never ever gotten pregnant. Because now I know the pain of that loss. And for me (And this is just my take on things because everyone experiences things differently) going through what I am going through right now is so much worse then where I was back in May. I was depressed back then with everything I was going through but now to be honest the only thing that keeps me going from day to day is the fact if I were to kill myself I am afraid I would go to hell and there is no way my baby is there.

I would give anything to turn back time and not have to go through this. And I realize my experiences may be 180 from someone else's. I can empathize with what you are saying because I believed the exact same thing only a few months ago. And for some people it is quite possibly very comforting to know they are able to get pregnant. For me it only brings a whole new level of hurt.

 

[wanting2010]

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. When I had my m/c earlier this year, even though it was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced, in a way it was kind of a relief for me to know that I COULD get pregnant. I had spent months worrying that it would never ever happen.

I also know how frustrating it is to not even ovulate, because the month I got pregnant was the first month I ovulated, and we'd been TTC for 6 months at that point. I've only ovulated once since then. It's extremely disappointing to not even get the positive OPK and feel like it's just another wasted month where I had no chance of getting pregnant, but I do think I would have rather just kept going through that disappointment rather than experiencing the heartbreak of a m/c.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the grass isn't greener on the other side. There's a whole new level of devastation that comes with experiencing a m/c. Even though I did get the joy of seeing a very much wanted BFP, I still don't have my baby. The pain of that loss is something I will never ever forget.

Like I said though, I do DEFINITELY understand what you're saying. This TTC business is such a rollercoaster of emotions. Hopefully all of us will get our sticky BFPs one day soon!

 

[readyformore]

Hi ladies.

Seems such a touchy subject, but I think you have handled it very well. I hope my comment is just as honest and not offensive.

I just want to add something, from my perspective. I've noticed this point brought up on several posts, so I felt the need to comment on it.

Just because you've had a pregnancy/baby in the past, it does NOT mean that it can happen, or it will happen, or that your body knows how to work.

In fact, I've learned the hard way that just because your body has done it in the past, it's rather arrogant to assume it will happen again.
There are no guarantees in life. My uterus and ovaries are currently stupid and have regressed back to the "I have no clue what I'm supposed to do" phase.

Maybe I've heard the "It's happened once, it will happen again" phrase one too many times, but it's nearly as helpful and supportive as "Just relax", or "You need to have sex in your fertile phase." So. . . not at all helpful.

 

[downwardsun]

I think futurephotos put it best. I almost dread getting a positive now, a miscarriage is such a horrible thing to go through.

 

[Euronova]

hi Everyone, thank you so much for all your posts and all for being so understanding.
Bottom line we all want a baby but we are all in such unfair situations.... I often think where has all the excitement of first stopping the pill and having sex and thinking that's it we must be pregnant! lol
I so hope we all get our BFP and we all get a sticky one!! But I think we have all learned that the road can be long and very treacherous...
I just long to be a bit further down that bloody road and I get so desperate I'd take anything even another disappointment....
I think this was all prompted by my gynaecologist saying that clomid does increase the chances of miscarriage in the first trimester and in a way, I just thought to myself, well I have been warned.... getting a BFP would be another step towards my goal whether it takes me there or not.
I am so grateful for forum like this but it also brings the reality of TTC right to your face, when I first joined I put my name down for the thread of people testing that month.... now I look for posts in the LTTTC... I can see what others are going through and I know that even if I want to one day enjoy my pregnancy I am very aware and will be scared of all these other things that can happen...
2012 has got to be a better year for us all!! xx

 

[honeybee2]

I feel the same way. Although it must be terrible to reach that goal and have it taken away from you numerous times.

 

[Smiler82]

I think it's great you have been so honest. You are entitled to feel however it is you feel about your own situation. I've lost 2 babies and have PCOS so ttc is taking a long time and is a really frustrating road. Someone else mentioned before about the innocence of pregnancy being taken away from them, and I really agree with that. I am so angry we will never be able to see a BFP with pure joy and look forward to the next 9 months. I will be worrying the entire time and don't think I will fully be able to enjoy a pregnancy. I will just want to fast-forward to the day we take our little one home.

I understand what others have said about wishing they had never been pregnant in the first place - it does take you into a very dark place and throws up all sorts of emotions that will stay with us forever. Of course everyone's situation is different but I must be honest here and say I am glad I got pregnant. I am so glad for the 10 and 12 weeks I got to spend carrying our babies. I felt love like I've never felt before and being pregnant was an experience I wouldn't change for anything. And although losing them was the hardest thing I've ever, ever gone through and I still suffer every day - it has taught me a lot about myself and has brought DH and I even closer, which I didn't think was possible. I've struggled with friendships that haven't been as strong as I thought and that has been really hard as well, but I guess I'm glad to have learnt that and to be able to see those people for who they really are. I'm not saying they're horrible people, but I've learnt more about them and will know who I really can turn to in future times of sadness. It's also made me think more about how I deal with things friends are going through, and how can I be a better person in difficult situations.

I don't know if that makes any sense but I do think my babies have taught me so much and these are lessons that I am grateful for. I still struggle with our losses and get very angry at times, but I wouldn't change it.

TTC is also a challenge - not as hard as the miscarriages, nowhere near as hard. But, it is a hard thing to deal with and I feel as much a failure for not getting pregnant as I do for not staying pregnant. When you want something so much of course it is going to be difficult to deal with not getting it. The sadness we all feel just shows how badly we want this. And I hope we all succeed xx

 

[Smiler82]

I think this was all prompted by my gynaecologist saying that clomid does increase the chances of miscarriage in the first trimester and in a way, I just thought to myself, well I have been warned....

I've never heard this....did your gynaecologist say why the chances are increased? Clomid is the next step for me...