Early 30's TTC #1

[Soleil Breeze]

And congrats to Readyornot! You have a treasure to cherish.

It's funny, I kept thinking that I had a treasure or gift inside me. Until Tuesday I would have had no idea that anything was wrong. Blissfully unaware.

But the breasts definitely don't hurt as much. Progesterone is dropping.

I was fine yesterday; kept busy. And then today I was cleaning and came across a CVS receipt from June 14th for my pregnancy test purchase and now I'm crashing.

Agony. Sometimes you cry so much you can't believe that there's any more liquid in you to spare. My head aches. My heart aches and I don't want to hear "At least you know you can get pregnant without help."

What is the point of getting pregnant if you will never have a baby at the end of it? WHAT???!!!

I dread seeing anything again, but I want to miscarry naturally. I want to mourn my little one and not have him or her whipped away. I don't want to go through miscarriage again, but I no longer want to be a tomb.

I love this baby so much. I wanted this baby so much. It was our miracle and it was supposed to stick.

WHY? Why didn't it stick?

 

[Aisak]

Oh Soleil. My heart just aches for you. It's not fair.

 

[MrsPTTC]

Soleil, sorry you're having to go through this heartache again! It makes me so angry! have the doctors said anything? They can do tests for recurrent mc's right? I know girls on here that have had 2 or more mc's & have gone on to have perfectly healthy babies, though you'll never forget the ones you've lost x

 

[mrsmax]

Soleil - we will never say that to you here hon - never. I cant imagine your pain and it makes me so angry that life can be so unfair. I have "met" so many wonderful ladie in the last 2 and a bit years since TTC and I cant work out why such a "simple" miracle is so easy for others and not for the amazing women on this forum I m sure when hyo uare ready you will get some tests to see if there was a reason for these losses, but I imgine you need time to grieve first. I hope your bdy co-operates at least in that you can avoid hospital.

You will get there, but right now I cant imagine you believe that so we will believe it for you

MrsP - happy lime day hon. How you feeling?

I have my second midwife appointment tomorrow - excited, but terrified she wont find a heartbeat or something - I guess us LTTcers find it hard too believe anything could work out for the good.

 

[MrsPTTC]

Thanks mrsmax but it's a sweetpea not a lime wish I was a bloody lime i'm worried sick! And if I'm honest I got my AF date wrong so I'm actually only 6 weeks tomorrow I need to change my ticker! I wrote in my diary 7th july for AF but my FF chart said 8th, I thought my chart was wrong, but I can work it out from when I took my clomid & it was the 8th I'm ok my cold is moving south & is in my throat now but my cough has subsided so think its on it's way yay! I don't blame you for being worried Hun, I will be too, every step of the way. But I'm positive everything will be fine & you'll hear your orange! You must let us know how you get on The next 13 days cannot go quick enough for me!

x

 

[rosababy]

SB, my heart breaks for you. It's not fair. I just hate hearing how sad and heartbroken you are.

 

[mrsmax]

MrsP - of course it is a sweetpea - sorry! It looks like a lime to me. Those first few weeks are hell hon - but we are all here for you nd I have a feeling you are going to be just great

Had my midwife appointment and heartbeat heard - phew. My mum came with me as DH is still away so that was nice - she also enjoyed the experience as this will be her first grandchild. Bump kept moving out of the way of the doppler - you could hear it whoosing around. The mw nicknamed it wriggler - have a feeling that might stick!!

My MS appears to have gone today.....it has been bad this week so hoping this might finally be it. If it is, I might have the strength to start a pregnancy journal!!

Happy weekend ladies xx

 

[MrsPTTC]

Aw mrsmax I'm so happy your wriggler is ok & you heard the heartbeat! Lovely your mum got to experience it too. This baby will be both mine & DH's parents first grandchild too. Glad your MS has gone, think mine has just started, feeling pukey on & off but not sure if its more to do with my head cold!

Thanks I'm sure everything will be fine with our pea but just worry with the amount of MC's you hear about x

 

[pink80]

ladies - how are we all?

MrsMax - great news about hearing the heartbeat, mine does the same thing when I use a Doppler (got one at home that I have been using since 11 weeks). Now I can feel baby kicking when I use it

 

[Regalpeas]

God, Soleil I don't know what to say except I feel your pain and I hear you. I can't imagine exactly what you're going through but I too have many of your same questions.

Soooooo soooo sorry about your loss. Praying you find the answers you need. Praying for better days ahead, comfort for your soul and hope that your ttc dreams will come true.

 

[MsJMouse]

Oh Soliel I am so sorry to hear this. I would never wish for that to happen to anyone let alone any of you lovely ladies as it is just horrible to hear those words when you thought nothing was wrong.

Take care. If you want to talk I am here.

 

[MsJMouse]

Had my scan yesterday. Amazing how much it looks like a baby versus my fuzzy blob of four weeks ago. Starting to feel I can relax now as it all looks like it going well this time.

Will post some scan pics once I am online using a computer rather than my phone.

Yay for a scan date MrsPTTC.

Wow Mrs Max you are fifteen weeks. Hopefully Ms is on its way out for you.

Rosa - I can't believe you are 33weeks.

 

[MrsPTTC]

Hi pink I’m ok thanks, cold has gone but have a huge bloat! DH just laughs at me whinging as it’s gonna get so much worse! I know it’s not a baby bump as it’s only the size of a pea, but I definitely have a bloat.

Preggo ladies, when did your proper bumps start?

MsJmouse, so pleased your scan went well, I’ve googled scan pics at every week and it is amazing how different they are at 12 weeks!

1 week until my scan Can’t wait!

x

 

[rosababy]

great news on the scan, msj! I loved when jack started looking more like a baby...doc was like this is jumbo shrimp time. can't wait to see pics!

mrsp, my bloat started right away, but i"m sure some of that had to do with ivf meds. I did feel bloated from the get go though and started wearing flowing shirts and bigger pants. Proper bump...probably not really until 14-15 weeks though. I had what I thought was a bump at like 12 weeks, but looking back it just looks like I hadn't gone to the gym in a few weeks.


Afm, just got back from Michigan and I have to tell you, when you think about planning a long car trip in the 3rd tri, DON'T! It was not a fun trip out there. I tried to drink a lot of water but still have tons of bh contractions, which are very painful turns out! Also, I'm to the stage where if I eat too much, I have really painful gas. The trip back was better though. I had learned my lessons and was quite comfortable, despite the many bathroom stops we had to make. Only 6 weeks left!

 

[liz0012]

great news on the scan, msj! I loved when jack started looking more like a baby...doc was like this is jumbo shrimp time. can't wait to see pics!

mrsp, my bloat started right away, but i"m sure some of that had to do with ivf meds. I did feel bloated from the get go though and started wearing flowing shirts and bigger pants. Proper bump...probably not really until 14-15 weeks though. I had what I thought was a bump at like 12 weeks, but looking back it just looks like I hadn't gone to the gym in a few weeks.


Afm, just got back from Michigan and I have to tell you, when you think about planning a long car trip in the 3rd tri, DON'T! It was not a fun trip out there. I tried to drink a lot of water but still have tons of bh contractions, which are very painful turns out! Also, I'm to the stage where if I eat too much, I have really painful gas. The trip back was better though. I had learned my lessons and was quite comfortable, despite the many bathroom stops we had to make. Only 6 weeks left!

Rosababy- how long did it take for you to conceive?

 

[rosababy]

liz,
we started in June 2010 and finally got our bfp on december 30, 2011 with our 2nd round of ivf. Feel free to read the first post of my ttc or preggo journal. What about you?

 

[Soleil Breeze]

I bit the bullet. I called and scheduled a D&C for Friday. Of course, now that it's scheduled I am a wailing ball of misery again. I think I might post one more time post-D&C to let you know how it went, but I am waaay too much of a downer to be clouding up this thread right now.

I decided, rightly or wrongly, on the D&C to get baby2 tested in the hopes that it can shed light on what's going on and maybe provide answers so that we can get a baby3 who actually makes it screaming and kicking into this world.

You know, I balled after making the appointment. And it's not even that I am crying because I am scared of the "unknown" or that I really don't like having medical procedures done (shoot, I could wait this one out another week or so and miscarry naturally like last time). It's because I will no longer have baby inside of me.

I know I said I didn't want to be a tomb anymore, but I fear even more not having Little One in me. And I know it doesn't make any sense because it passed on a long time ago, but it gives me a semblance of what it could have been like...I'm still pregnant right now. It's crazy. It hurts. I am so, so tired of this.

So, yeah. I'm crying because Friday will make it official. I won't be pregnant anymore. I won't have that little being that was a part of me inside of me.

I really don't like being like this, or feeling like this. And I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to be sad, to grieve, and even to be angry at times. It's even okay to have good days and good hours.

But Looooooooooooorrrrrddddddd I would never wish this on anyone. I don't get it. I really just don't get it. I keep wondering if there were some lesson that I was supposed to learn from the first miscarriage that I didn't, so that I've got to go through this again? W.H.Y? And that's the biggest problem. I need answers, and I just can't get them. So that kills me even more.

Maybe babylove2 will shed its light and help a could-have-been-momma out.



I am so happy that so many of you are progressing well through your pregnancies Rub your tum-tums and send a little prayer my way. One day this will all be over. I will have my baby. Maybe it won't genetically be mine, but I will have a Little One (or Two!) to watch grow and shine! I've got to keep telling myself that. And here's Bob singing in the background, "Every little thing is gonna be all right...I say don't worry..." Hah.

 

[readyORnot]

Soleil, my heart breaks for you.

I know it's no consolation but I experienced a loss several years ago and it is an awful thing to go through.

I can't wait until you have a child of your own to love and hold and raise. Like you said, one of these days you WILL have your baby.

 

[MrsPTTC]

Aw Soleil, I feel so sad for you I really do You so deserve your rainbow baby, you will get there, & hopefully the tests will get you there. I think you're doing the right thing hun. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling & how tough Friday will be. I'll be thinking of you x Oh and don't be daft about not posting much, you need to vent & we are here for you x

 

[MrsPTTC]

Thanks Rosa, I know some of my friends showed around 12 weeks but only just. I won't mind having a bump I'm sure I'll love it, just its a fake bump I have at the minute ha ha. Oh sorry your car trip was a nightmare x