egg share? Something i want to do but partner not keen. Has anyone done egg share?

[katstar]

hi guys. Well basically i am having treatment for my 2nd ectopic. I have been looking into ivf as i dont want to go through another ectopic. I have always wanted to egg share since i was about 16. Thought it could be something i could do after i had finished having my own children to help another couple. While looking at ivf i came across egg share and thought maybe i could try and help me and my partner gain our baby but also help another couple all in one go. The thing is my partner is not keen on the idea. He states he is not happy with my eggs going with another mans sperm. I thought it was a silly thought to be honest and i dont see it like this at all. We would not get to meet this person and i see it as the woman being the babies mother and not myself. I dont know how to get my partner to see it how i do. Not sure how to go about talking with him about it or even getting him to read up on it for me. Has anyone had this problem? Anyone done egg share and did your partners or husbands have some concerns? If so what were they? Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you. X x

 

[chocci]

Hey I have thought about this too and my hubbies only comment was how would you feel at 55 years old when someone knocks on your dor and says hi mum. He said we would have to tell our kids that they have half brothers and sisters out there and they may not like it etc etc. I also try to think how i would feel if my hubby donated and if i am 100% honest i am not sure i would like it. Its a very altruistic thing to do and I too feel i would like to do it at some point however in the UK the baby born can find out who you are at age 18 and could you deal with that person coming along and turning your world upside down. Its all unlikely, firstly they may not come along to find you but the worst case is they do and further they hate you for giving your eggs away as they have not had the life they had hoped to have etc etc and blame you for it. Am i making sense? This is stuff that has gone through my mind. Its just we think about the good we are doing in doing such a thing but you really have to think about the bad thigns that could happen too.

XX

 

[katstar]

yes i have thought about them knocking at the door. I dont think i mind. Plus im sure they may write or email before knocking. Lol. But thats if the parents decide to tell the child they were conceived via assisted conception. X

 

[Beckic]

Hi hun - I considered egg share last year - and my DH and I were not worried about the thought that someone might knock on our door TBH - in fact i thought it might be quite nice if they did that - cos surely they cant b angry at you cos it wasnt like you had them and gave them up - you were helping someone else - but after having a consultation the worries I had were different - which you may not know about yet (and seen as it cost me £350 for the consultation - hopefully I can spare you the expense):

1. They do not accept you on the scheme if you have an FSH level above 8.
2. You have to get 8 eggs (4 for you and 4 for the recipient).
3. If you dont get 8 eggs the cycle either has to be abandoned or they give you the chance to pa for the treatment to continue just for you and you kep all the eggs - ie forking out 4-6k.
having done IVF (and btw only got 4 eggs - so if i had done egg share would have had to cancel my cycle!!) - to have to go through all those weeks of down regging and stimming and the excitement and the hope to then have to cancel at the egg collection stage would be absolutely devastating.


Because of the above - i have an FSH level of 8.7 - i couldnt go ahead - but i would advise anyone thinking about this - that unless you can be 100% sure that you are going to produce 8 eggs - ie have done IVF before and got more than 8 - then I wouldn't do it.
I would say that for people who have already done IVF - got 8 eggs - but it was unsuccessful - and they now have to pay privately - then to go for this - as they may get money off.
Only if someone had a low FSH level would I recommend anyone going for this if it was their first go at IVF. But having said that i fully understand that desperate times calls for desperate measures - but you need to go into it with your eyes fully open about the possibility of canceling the cycle or forking out alot of cash.

Good luck hun,

R x x x

 

[chocci]

Cheers for thst Beckic I agree with all your points too, its a lovely thing to do but I am not sure people think seriously enough about the bad stuff surrounding it. Its not an ideal world. I have a friend who was adopted and she DID just turn up on someones door and blew their world apart. NO email, just a door step appreance. THAT can happen though unlikely you have to consider everything. I seem to qualify with most criteria but then FSH and egg qualitity can vary so you never know.

My worry is our fertilisation rate was only 55% so if I got say 10 eggs like last time then i would get 5 and of that only 2/3 would fertilise, dont seem a lot really. I know it only takes one BUT still. My second worry is how I would feel if the recipient was succesful and I wasnt. of course i would be delihted for them onb the other hand would I feel that was my egg and if only i had that one would mine have worked. ALL things to consider.

Like rachelle once said to me, if our babies cost 8k to get then just get them working to pay for themselves as soon as they come out of the womb hahahaha, thats the other option

Katstar have a long hard think and think more about hte negative situations than the positive. We tend to forget what can go wrong when we try to do something so good, unfortunately it is not a perfet world.

One of the worst senarios i read about was GETTING SUED, now say you dont know a member of your family has an inheritable illness / desease and you therefore dont disclose it, they say you cannot be sued if the recipients baby inherits it. Well you have to prove you didnt know or have any indication you didnt know about it. FACT is we live in a sue culture and although unlikely it is a distict possibility you can get sued for the fact that that child is less than perfect. Sounds far fetched but people sue for much less, imagine how that would feel.

All the cards need to be laid on the table pros and cons and I am sure this is all mentioned in councilling but save your self the money and think about the negatives now before you make a decision.
xxx

 

[wrightywales]

hello

I am also considering egg share if my FET doesnt work. I cant afford to pay full price for private treatment but my hubby is ok with me doing it if i want. Not sure what my FSH is will have to ask when i go for FET. i really do hope i'm able to do it. I had good response with my 1 and only nhs funded IVF getting 21 eggs but only 14 able to be used for ICSI but 11 fertilised out of the 14 which i think was very good. Wasn't even expecting that many. i now have 9 little frosties waiting to be used. i do need to look more into it though. i know all about the donor laws due to using donor sperm for my IVF/ICSI so don't mind the fact of maybe getting a knock on the door in 18 years time. I like the fact that i could help out some who may of never had the chance to have a child. obviously i would be a little gutted if it worked for them and not me but that's the chance you take with any fertility treatment. non of it is 100% guarantee it will work.

 

[Beckic]

I think from what you say Whrighty - you would be a perfect candidate for egg sharing - and it would benefit both parties. This is where I think egg sharing is really wonderful (although crossing everything you dont need it hun cos the FET works).

Bx x x

 

[wrightywales]

thanks beckic i have everything crossed as well lol xxxxx

 

[chocci]

In your situation wrighty (and you know it was me who suggested it to you ) i think its probably the best option. If you dont have the funds it can be one chance to get that baby you so want. For me its slightly different I do have the funds and was looking at it more as an offer to help someone else but also to cut costs cos who know we I may need to do this lots of times. This is why I will not consider it this next time but may perhaps in the future. If I did not have the funds I wouldnt think twice. For people who dont "need" to do it everything should be weighed up more carefully since there is more to loose if you know what i mean. There is less to loose if you would not beable to do IVF due to lack of funds anyway and this is a last option. Hope that makes sense. Anyone who is doing it just to offer a chance of a baby to someone else and not for financial reasons should really consider all the facts/ options/ senarios first, in my humble opinion anyways.

Anyway wrighty with all those embies you have a good chance of a FET working at some point so try not to think too much about it yet just have it in back of your mind

xXX

 

[Mrs R]

The longer my fertility issues go on, the more thought i give egg-sharing if I get to the IVF stage. My DH is fine with it, and I'm the one with reservations.

But I keep thinking about if it was us in that situation, and the reason I couldn't get pg was because my eggs were not good quality. I would need the generosity of another lady to help me have a family. If I was having IVF anyway, it would be so easy to donate half my eggs and maybe make somebody's dreams come true.

On the other hand, it might be somehing I think about, and worry about for the rest of my life.........

 

[CurlySue]

If I find out my eggs are not utter shite, which I strongly suspect they are, I would do it.

 

[katstar]

The longer my fertility issues go on, the more thought i give egg-sharing if I get to the IVF stage. My DH is fine with it, and I'm the one with reservations.

But I keep thinking about if it was us in that situation, and the reason I couldn't get pg was because my eggs were not good quality. I would need the generosity of another lady to help me have a family. If I was having IVF anyway, it would be so easy to donate half my eggs and maybe make somebody's dreams come true.

On the other hand, it might be somehing I think about, and worry about for the rest of my life.........

Thanks for your comments ladies.

Me and my partner are taking about a year out from ttc but it is something i am going to discuss with him again around the time.

I have weighed up the pro's and cons and the pro's outweight the cons for me. I am not a selfish person by nature anyway so the pro's will out weigh the cons.

Looking at what mrs r says above, i can not beleive how hard it has been for me any my partner to get the baby we really want. Lost 2 through ectopics and scared i will loose another. Ivf may be the way to go. If i can help someone out there also get that dream, then that in it self will be a happy moment for me. Even if it does not work for me or both of us, i have helped someone else get closer to their dream also and made good out of my rollercoaster of a bad situation.

Just wish i could speak to people who have also egg shared and get their views.

xxx

 

[chocci]

To be fair its not really about anyone being selfish, none of us are selfish. We all want to help people. If you asked any woman if they would egg share/donate of course the answer would be a big fat YES!!! BUT its about doing the right thing for everyone concerned and knowing what you are getting into. Noone knows how they will feel once they go through the councilling required to egg share/dontate, there are also many obsticles to cross before you even get that far, it adds to an already pretty stressful journey and I DO speak from experience of going through IVF and FET due to problems on my hubbies side. I would definately egg share if I felt it was right for me, I know how I feel going through IVF and at the end. I would not really advise anyone to eggshare first attempt at IVF unless they have no choice and cannot afford a treatment otherwise! You need to find out firstly how well you respond to the medication and secondly how you cope mentally with the process. If you respond and cope well then its a definate option. I will do it if this second attempt does not work. I want to make sure i respond the same way this next time as i did the last time. For unselfish reasons I want to make sure I do not DISSAPPOINT anyone one who would potentially be sharing my eggs by not responding as predicted and therefore upsetting and dissapointing them by not having any eggs for them to share!

Its free to send off for all the information you need if you email CARE clinics

Good luck and lets hope you dont have to go donw the IVF route as i would not wish it upon anyone!

 

[chocci]

Post duplicated somehow - sorry!

 

[Mrs R]

I would not really advise anyone to eggshare first attempt at IVF unless they have no choice and cannot afford a treatment otherwise! You need to find out firstly how well you respond to the medication and secondly how you cope mentally with the process. If you respond and cope well then its a definate option. I will do it if this second attempt does not work. I want to make sure i respond the same way this next time as i did the last time. For unselfish reasons I want to make sure I do not DISSAPPOINT anyone one who would potentially be sharing my eggs by not responding as predicted and therefore upsetting and dissapointing them by not having any eggs for them to share!

I absolutely agree with this chocci. My reservations are not only about giving away my eggs, but also how I might respond to drugs, how I might cope with everything, and as u rightly say, how many ladies I would disappoint if I changed my mind or didn't produce enough eggs. Definitely making me think .....