We went into the hospital about 9.30 yesterday morning and were eventually seen by a nurse at 10.30. I didn't like her at all, and she kept referring to the baby as the "fetus" which really upset me so Paul had a quiet word with her. I had 2 pessaries at 11 o'clock along with paractamol and codeine. I had already had some bleeding earlier in the morning, but it seemed to be slowing. I stayed in bed for an hour then got up to use the loo as i felt the bleeding had started. I was expecting clots, but nothing on earth prepared me for the size of them! Freaked me out to say the least. We spent the rest of the morning just chatting really, looking out the window at the snow showers and wondering if we would end up trapped in the hospital forever! At 2 o'clock we saw a different nurse (she was lovely) and she gave me 2 tablets to take, and some ibuprofen. I was allowed pethadine but wanted to wait a while. About an hour later Paul went off to meet my mum to give her the house keys so she could look after the other children. My eldest son sent me a bunch of red roses bless him. While Paul was gone, the pain really kicked in. A bloody cleaner came in and started mopping the floor. I wanted to scream at her to get ou, but i couldn't find the words. I was crying and in pain. The nurse came back and i asked her for the pethadine, i knew it wouldn't be long. Paul returned, i was given the pethadine and moved over onto a commode. I didn't like the idea of being in the bathroom when Charlie was born. Paul held my hand and i made full use of the gas and air. My body was pushing, and i felt him slip out. At that second, all pain was gone. I couldn't speak, i remember saying he's gone, it's done. The nurse checked, and Charlie had passed. She asked if i wanted to see him, and i told her i wanted to wait until i had composed myself. After about 10 minutes the placenta came out. It was a huge relief because i knew i wouldn't have to go to theatre. They brought us a coffee, and when we were ready, brought Charlie to us in a little cardboard box. He looked so perfect, tiny fingers, tiny toes. I didn't cry, i just sat there staring at him. Paul went off for a walk and let me have some time alone with him. I held him and touched his head and his hands, talked to him for a while. The chaplain came in and went over what happens next - we are having a combined memorial service with all the angel babies from the hospital. His ashes will then be scattered in the children's garden. It sounds beautiful. We took it in turns to hold him again, then tucked him up his cuddle teddy blanket and said out goodbyes. We held each other and cried. The nurse took Charlie away. I will love and miss him forever. He is at peace now.