Empty arms, empty tummy, empty heart.

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by debgreasby, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. debgreasby

    debgreasby Happy Mummy!

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    We went into the hospital about 9.30 yesterday morning and were eventually seen by a nurse at 10.30. I didn't like her at all, and she kept referring to the baby as the "fetus" which really upset me so Paul had a quiet word with her.

    I had 2 pessaries at 11 o'clock along with paractamol and codeine. I had already had some bleeding earlier in the morning, but it seemed to be slowing. I stayed in bed for an hour then got up to use the loo as i felt the bleeding had started. I was expecting clots, but nothing on earth prepared me for the size of them! Freaked me out to say the least.

    We spent the rest of the morning just chatting really, looking out the window at the snow showers and wondering if we would end up trapped in the hospital forever!

    At 2 o'clock we saw a different nurse (she was lovely) and she gave me 2 tablets to take, and some ibuprofen. I was allowed pethadine but wanted to wait a while. About an hour later Paul went off to meet my mum to give her the house keys so she could look after the other children. My eldest son sent me a bunch of red roses bless him.

    While Paul was gone, the pain really kicked in. A bloody cleaner came in and started mopping the floor. I wanted to scream at her to get ou, but i couldn't find the words. I was crying and in pain. The nurse came back and i asked her for the pethadine, i knew it wouldn't be long.

    Paul returned, i was given the pethadine and moved over onto a commode. I didn't like the idea of being in the bathroom when Charlie was born. Paul held my hand and i made full use of the gas and air. My body was pushing, and i felt him slip out. At that second, all pain was gone. I couldn't speak, i remember saying he's gone, it's done.

    The nurse checked, and Charlie had passed. She asked if i wanted to see him, and i told her i wanted to wait until i had composed myself. After about 10 minutes the placenta came out. It was a huge relief because i knew i wouldn't have to go to theatre.

    They brought us a coffee, and when we were ready, brought Charlie to us in a little cardboard box. He looked so perfect, tiny fingers, tiny toes. I didn't cry, i just sat there staring at him. Paul went off for a walk and let me have some time alone with him. I held him and touched his head and his hands, talked to him for a while.

    The chaplain came in and went over what happens next - we are having a combined memorial service with all the angel babies from the hospital. His ashes will then be scattered in the children's garden. It sounds beautiful.

    We took it in turns to hold him again, then tucked him up his cuddle teddy blanket and said out goodbyes. We held each other and cried. The nurse took Charlie away.

    I will love and miss him forever. He is at peace now.
     
  2. MrsRoughton

    MrsRoughton PREGNANT!

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    awwww hun i am so sorry for your loss. and if you ever ned to talk just pm me.
    Rip little Charlie xxxxxxxxx
     
  3. KKSARAH

    KKSARAH Mummy to two Princesses

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    Am so sorry for your loss :hugs:
    Thank You for sharing your experience :hug:

    RIP little Angel Charlie
    Sxxx
    :hug:
     
  4. ProudMum

    ProudMum Well-Known Member

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    thats absolutely broke my heart...
     
  5. Tulip

    Tulip Ruby <i>, Dils, Rowan

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    I'm sobbing for you Deb. But I'm so pleased that you got to hold him and that he's being treated compassionately by the hospital. I may have to write a strongly-worded letter to mine :cry:
     
  6. sk100

    sk100 Well-Known Member

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    So sorry Deb you had to go through this. You made the right decision and you met Charlie. Wishing you lots of love. xx
     
  7. veganmum2be

    veganmum2be 1 Son two angels.

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    heartbreaking.
    my thoughts are with you and your family.
    sorry for your loss of charlie.
    xxxx
     
  8. SmileyShazza

    SmileyShazza I'm a mum!

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    :cry:

    Awwww Deb I'm glad that eventually a nurse came that was compassionate to your situation and treated you and your OH the way you deserved to be treated.

    I can't imagine how hard yesterday must have been for both of you, reading that made me realise just how little we went through in comparison to some. I hope that you found some comfort in seeing Charlie and getting to hold him and say your goodbyes.

    Sending you all massive :hugs: xxxx
     
  9. Coffee

    Coffee I don't know

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    So very sorry. I can't seem to quite find any words that seem adequate enough.
    take care :hugs:
     
  10. tinybutterfly

    tinybutterfly Proud Mommy

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    omg.... i had no idea you lost your baby, i'm so sorry to read
    i honestly cried reading your story, my heart goes out to both of you,
    i'm glad you got to see him and properly say goodbye, the garden sounds lovely idd
    (((hugs)))
     
  11. Charlotteee

    Charlotteee Married Mum/Stepmum of 4

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    Aww sweetheart, you were so nice to me when i lost mine. And i hope you know that should you need to talk we are all here for you. Don't you DARE try and go through this on your own. My heart goes out to you and your husband and i am so happy that you got to hold your beautiful little boy xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  12. rach247

    rach247 Well-Known Member

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    Dear Deb cried so much reading this can't imagine what you are going through my love goes out to you and your family so much.
     
  13. Charlotteee

    Charlotteee Married Mum/Stepmum of 4

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    I just went on your gone to soon page for Charlie - he's is amazingly gorgeous xxxx
     
  14. smidgen

    smidgen Mummy 2 Finlay & 4 angels

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    oh debs my heart goes out to you, am glad you got to see your wee charlie and say your goodbyes though.. xx
     
  15. Kayleigh Lou

    Kayleigh Lou Well-Known Member

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    Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. :hugs:
     
  16. mrskcbrown

    mrskcbrown Wife & mom of 3

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    I am so sorry to hear about your loss! His service sounds like it will be beautiful!:flower:
     
  17. smidgen

    smidgen Mummy 2 Finlay & 4 angels

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    debs - just been on charlies website - how beautiful your wee man was xx
     
  18. JIGGY

    JIGGY Well-Known Member

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    :cry::cry::cry:my heart is breaking for u hun big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  19. lizzieredrup

    lizzieredrup Mum to 5 little men!

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    That was totally heartbreaking to read, im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful angel, Im glad you got to spend some time with Charlie...Thinking of you :hugs:
     
  20. mum2beagain

    mum2beagain mum to 3 under 5

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    hun i a so sorry for your loss have been following your posts and u were in my thoughts yesterday
    would really like to see the pge you have done for charlie if someone could tell me how i can see it thanks
     

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