Ettiquette on not using "Uncle" with brother in law

[Babushka]

My sister has been with my brother in law for 23 years & nobody in our family can relate to him or feels any closeness to him. He is a bit of a twat who thinks he is better than everyone else and because he has the personality of a sand-fly he is extremely difficult to get a conversation out of. In fact, I just don't bother & he is pretty happy with that arrangement too. We all get the impression that he would rather brown nose to people who are more educated than himself. Anyway, it was my sister's decision to marry him and start a family, they are both misers so have a lot in common

My conundrum is that I don't want my daughter calling him uncle as I don't feel any closeness to him. Would it be wrong for her to call my sister aunty & him by his first name? Their children call me aunty and refer to my OH by his name but we have only been together for 2 years & the kids are 9 & 7 so that is understandable.

The other thing I should mention is that his mum attends all our family get togethers as her husband passed away a couple of years ago and she has no other family here. She is a lovely lady & I'm not sure if she would find it strange that our daughter doesn't call him uncle although she would never say anything.

 

[BabyUrq]

i know where you're coming from....its the same with my brother-in-law....not all that close to him and there has been many issues with him over the many years they've been together...he's very self centered, rude, and judgmental!
all that being said....he will still be called uncle....my eight year old niece has even started calling my bf (fiance now) uncle of her own accord after years of only called him by his first name

 

[zorak]

Honestly, I don't see how you can avoid calling him 'Uncle' without your sister being incredably hurt! Is it honestly worth it? He is after all her husband.

 

[BabyUrq]

another point...my fiance has a step grandmother that they refer to by her first name for the same reason....however to her face she is called grandma....only when she's not around do they use her name instead of the grandma title

 

[zorak]

We all get the impression that he would rather brown nose to people who are more educated than himself (for the record, my family has more money than his but he still thinks he is better - probably because he has his 'masters' degree). .

What on earth has your family having more money got to do with anything? I find that quite a snobby attitude.

 

[aliss]

Well I have to be honest, I don't think it's right to force your opinion of him onto how a child addresses their legitimate relative. I have a few aunts and uncles (big family) with some screws loose but that doesn't change that they are still aunt Jane and uncle John. Uncle John might be a dick but he's still an uncle.

 

[Equreuil]

If your sister's children don't use "uncle" to refer to your OH... why should it be any different with your child in reference to them? Time together shouldn't have anything to do with it. If your BIL's mom questions it, you can simply explain that that's how it's done in your family and that your sister's kids don't use "uncle" either.

For the record, my husband's nephews were all taught to call me "aunt" well before we were even engaged much less married, and it always felt awkward to me. I still have trouble saying "our" nephews and usually say "my husband's nephews" or "my SIL's kids".

 

[IndieBelle]

We are extremely close to my nephews and niece and they don't call us aunty or uncle, they call us all by our first names. They call the other side of the family aunty/uncle. I like that they just call me by my first name, doesn't make me feel old And makes me feel like they are comfortable with us. I guess because I never saw my aunties/uncles? And I would never call them by just their first names! They refer to us as "that's my aunty" but when they talk to us, they just call us *name*

I don't know, to me I would feel less close to them if they started calling me aunty? I guess it depends on the individual person?

 

[undomestic]

I don't see how you could get away with not having your child call him or her uncle, unless that was how it was with all the in-laws.

I have more than few crazy aunt and uncles and I refer to them by aunt and uncle.. I grew up in an Italian household where it was extremely disrespectful not to..

But, I totally see where you're coming from.. I'm not a huge fan of some of the people my baby will be calling 'aunt' and 'uncle' as well, but I know that's just how it's going to have to be.

 

[TeddyBearPug]

It is all your decision and what you are comfortable with. But I think it would be easier to call him uncle even though no one likes him. There are always people in the family that no one can stand..but they are still called family. I think your sister would be incredibly hurt since they are obviously in a long term relationship and he isn't new to the picture. Maybe try getting her opinion on how she feels about it?

 

[undomestic]

We are extremely close to my nephews and niece and they don't call us aunty or uncle, they call us all by our first names. They call the other side of the family aunty/uncle. I like that they just call me by my first name, doesn't make me feel old And makes me feel like they are comfortable with us. I guess because I never saw my aunties/uncles? And I would never call them by just their first names! They refer to us as "that's my aunty" but when they talk to us, they just call us *name*

I don't know, to me I would feel less close to them if they started calling me aunty? I guess it depends on the individual person?

That's so interesting to me.. I appreciate the different perspective

I think that a child calling you 'auntie' or 'uncle' is a huge sign of respect. I love it when my nieces and nephew refer to me that way.. But I grew up close to my aunts and uncles and referring to them by their first name was not an option in our culture...

But, my husband feels the same way as you do.. He doesn't get why it frustrates me that our niece (his sister's daughter) refers to her other aunt as Auntie J.. and yet calls me and him by our first names. I just feel that being an auntie is a special relationship, and using the 'title' is part of that.

 

[aliss]

Maybe it is cultural yes, my family is Hungarian and I might have gotten slapped as a child to refer to any adult by their first name... I don't know, none of us dared to try!!!! Even my grandma's 2nd husband was "grandpa Norm"

 

[undomestic]

Maybe it is cultural yes, my family is Hungarian and I might have gotten slapped as a child to refer to any adult by their first name... I don't know, none of us dared to try!!!! Even my grandma's 2nd husband was "grandpa Norm"

I think culture has a huge part in it.. I grew up the same way (I'm Italian).

 

[smokey]

Tbh its not a normal to not have at least one uncle thats a bit of a dick, we all have "one of those" relatives, several in my family but they are still aunts and uncles

 

[Babushka]

We all get the impression that he would rather brown nose to people who are more educated than himself (for the record, my family has more money than his but he still thinks he is better - probably because he has his 'masters' degree). .

What on earth has your family having more money got to do with anything? I find that quite a snobby attitude.

You're right. I edited my original post because he seriously brown noses to people that have money. I've taken it out as it has no relevance with the current thread

 

[Babushka]

I've decided to let my sister lead the way. They will most likely give us a congrats card so it should say from Aunty X, BIL & nieces.

I doubt my sister would be offended though, she doesn't roll that way.

Thanks girls

 

[rowleypolie]

We don't call my MIL's new husband grandpa, and my SIL's husband is a jerk and alcoholic, we only call him by his first name. Luckily my kids have only met him once so we didn't have to worry about what to call him. If you see him often it might be hard to avoid the uncle thing, he is in fact their uncle as much as you may not like it

 

[immy11]

I call all my aunties and uncles by their first names, calling them uncle or auntie seems very strange to me but it looks like a lot of people do it??

 

[smokey]

I think in most cases nearly everyone grows out of calling people aunt and uncle by about age 10 anyway.
Dont think I ever called any of my lot actually uncle or aunt but refered to them as being my uncle or aunt if that makes sense.
So if I was calling out to them or addressing them to gain their attention I woulnt say "uncle, can you pass me the salt please" id say their first name (unless really young then maybe uncle paul) but if talking about them it woyld always be "my uncle did this"
Its a bit weird really because how I was brought up the term aunty was more used as a respect thing for any respected elder female close to the family, related or not, my mum was called aunty by many kids even when my cousin was dating later in life his gf would refer to her as aunty.
It was just a respect for your elders term

 

[sue_88]

We only started calling Aunty X by first names when we're about 16-17yrs.

I think it's wrong to dictate to your child that even though this man has been married into the family for 23 years he is less important than your sister. In fact I think that's horrible.

He's an uncle, and should be called such.

My big sister has been with her boyfriend for 6 years, he'll still be Uncle Shaun.