Extremely scared father to be!

[alex_james]

Hello mums! I really hope it's ok me being here! But some help/advice/just a chat would be extremely helpful!
I have been with my girlfriend for just 13 months. We got engaged on our 1 year anniversary as it just feels right with her. I am 23 currently and she is 22.
Last night, she was really ill. She had a doctor to her house this morning, who diagnosed gastroenteritis and you guessed it, she is 6 weeks pregnant! Now don't get me wrong, I have always dreamt of being a dad, but I'm terrified. The wedding has been booked for July 2017. I don't know how to tell my parents as I KNOW they will go ballistic at me, I'm really worried about my partners health (she is on tablets for depression, migraines and polycystic ovaries) which she will have to come off. We have both got jobs, but only earning about £1000 between us a month, and both live with our parents. The timing couldn't be any worse really. We are not ever talking about an abortion, not a chance, and I will ALWAYS be there every step of the way. But I've never been so scared and I don't what to do. My mind is all over the place! Please can someone give me some words on how to just calm down a little?! Anyone who has been in a similar position would be great! I'm so scared of telling my parents, as last night they seemed to suspect that she is pregnant, but they didn't seem very hopeful or encouraging shall we say! (in fact, mum even said, ''she better not be bl**** pregnant, that would be awful right now at this time''). I'm just so scared that I won't be able to find a place for us to live in this time, won't get enough money together to provide for the baby as well as we'd ideally like. This is such a shock, as in the past we've been told that my fiancée probably cant even have children. as I said, some words of advice etc would be greatly appreciated! I just want to be the best dad and husband (if we can still afford a wedding!!!) that I can be! Thank you!!

 

[Brunette_21]

We were in the same situation as you. Except I was only on part time job and he wasn't working. We didn't live together and weren't looking foreward to telling our parents I was 21 and he was 24. Needless to say it all worked out in the end the parents took it OK and helped us get our wee private let. We were also planning our wedding. Today he has a job our own wee flat we only get about 1,200 at the moment.. Your girlfriend will get child benefit, child tax credit and possibly between u working tax credit. We got married on the 1st of August and are now pregnant with our second baby. Things will work out. The money situation does depend were you live though I suppose as I'm from Glasgow

 

[alex_james]

Thank you for your reply. We've just had a massive row, as I have been worrying about the future and the wedding etc, and she just told me to f off and that at this rate we wont get married and she is going to leave me, but im sure shes just stressing! Ill leave her alone for a while!

 

[Brunette_21]

Hormones will drive you both crazy my first pregnancy all I did was snap at my dh. We had plenty of major arguments threw my engagement ring at him so many times but I didn't mean it and he just told me he's not going anywhere and he was there for when I needed him needless to say 10 minutes later I was texting him again. That's the best thing it will be the stress of everything and it being her first pregnancy and not knowing how to tell anyone hope you get it sorted

 

[AP]

Hey Alex,
A little like you, we had similar paying jobs and although our baby was planned its always pretty damn scary! I feel for you!

Please don't let parents comments get to you - you are old enough to have made the decision to get married and they cannot control lifes plans. It wasn't very kind of them to say that.

Can the wedding be postponed? (it doesnt have to be but it could help with the stress!)

This will be the best thing to happen to both of you. And babies don't have to cost the earth either. People get so wrapped up in all the additional things when really you just need the basics

Your little one will also be at a lovely age for the wedding - we got married when our daughter was 1 and she stole the show, the photos were so special!

It always works out in the end but focus on what matters to both of you and don't be persuaded by others advice - ultimately this is your lives you're planning here!

 

[hazzabeanie]

hi alex when I had my son 5 years ago I was only 20 and he was 22 id only been with him 4 months my parents were not happy and we didn't earn much but we managed it, my now husband got a better paid job and we found a little flat in the end it all worked out were still together now we have a daughter and im expecting number 3. my parents came round in the end just try and take each day as it comes I am currently taking meds for anxiety which I am going to continue taking for now so she may still be able to take her meds xx

 

[mum2jaydon]

Me and my partner were together only a few months before I fell pregnant, I also had a 2 year old son. We were both scared and didn't know what to do but we made it work no matter how terrified we were. Emotions are all over the place. Just concentrate on what you both want hope you get things sorted x

 

[Nerdy]

Hey Alex,

With PCOS it's a straight miracle that she conceived and this baby should be looked at like a blessing. I swear the best things in life come when we least expect them to and, at times, when the timing couldn't be any worse. For instance... My hubby and I are planning on moving right now and we're both inbetween jobs, but we fell pregnant and we're making it happen as best we can. We also have a soon to be 2 year old.

Just breathe. Things will sort themselves out and there are a TON of support groups out there to ensure that your GF and baby will be perfectly safe and fine during and after pregnancy.

Congratulations.

 

[laura109]

bless you! your baby will become your world. they are amazing little people that change your world. parents are pains at times. although my parents were happy i was pregnant they interfere (my mum mainly) my parents said they did not want to know what i was having so i spent my whole pregnancy trying not to slip up i was having a girl. they did ruin it abit and felt they were being selfish. parents never seem to accept we are adults but we are! it does not matter what your parents think. if they want to stay in your life they will have to accept it. you have to be brave and strong for the baby. they dont have to cost the earth. super market nappies are good. people sell decent bundles of clothes etc on facebook. theres never a right time to become parents. but my 7 month old makes me happy everyday. shes so funny. your baby will have an amazing personality and you will cherish the moments. eventually you will see that you have your own family. hope your girlfriend feels better soon! you will be great. also in the uk you get £82 a month child benefit (whoever you are) and theres probs some family tax credits you can get to boost your income. good luck. enjoy and treasure every minute. they grow to fast. time flies once you become parents xx

 

[Tuddles]

My boyfriend and I are students. We're going to be students until our child is 4. He is doing a PHD and working, I'll be childminding and taking care of my last two years of university. Money will be tight but we think we can do it.

I also have a mental health condition that is stable.

It's possible with a lot of sacrifice and support. It's also good to be scared because it means you understand what a huge deal this is.

 

[alex_james]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I really don't know what's happening right now. She is reading all my messages I send her (my phone tells me!) but is not answering them, and she has ignored my calls. Last night on the phone she was arguing with me and said that ''at this rate of fights, there is going to be no wedding'' and she has said it a few times since we found out the news on Thursday. I know people have said it's the hormones etc, but would they really be that much different from 3 days ago (before we knew) when she was all lovey with me and close etc. I just really don't know where I stand. I've booked to see my doctor on Monday to see if I can speak to him about how I'm feeling and possibly ask for councilling for a little extra help. I just want to be the best fiancé/husband in the future, and dad that I can. I've literally been physically sick all day yesterday and today, this is making my health issues (diabetes etc) go all over the place at the minute aswell haha!!

 

[Misscalais]

Aww! Hi, and welcome.
I had my 1st baby at 21 and we bought our 1st home when he was 3 months old.
You sound like a really wonderful partner, i wish there were more men out there like you!
We had only also just got engaged but little did we know i was already pregnant when he popped the question! I was 10 weeks when i found out.
My mil wasn't happy and basically said DH only asked the question because i was pregnant but we didn't know and DH had already bought the ring 3-4 months prior to asking me.
Anyway, its tough but you can do it. Support her where you can, get information where you can. But also get support for yourself. Your little one will be very worth it.
We didn't get married until bout 3 years after we got engaged and by then we had also had another baby lol
Give her time, tell her you're there for her when shes ready to talk.

 

[alex128002]

Don't worry, everything will be fine

 

[mum2jaydon]

She's probably just as frightened and in shock as you are, just be there when she needs you x

 

[tag74]

My guess is she is very scared herself which is why she is lashing out. I think you're a gem to even seek this board out. You sound like a wonderful fiance and soon to be dad.

Do you know what I would suggest? I would either reassure her by letting her know you want her to feel comfortable with either moving the wedding up before she gets a big bump (and wedding gifts can help give you a kick start) OR moving the wedding a few months after the baby is born.

She probably like you is thinking that it wasn't suppose to happen this way...and she's so young and isn't quite sure how to process everything.

Everything will be ok..you're amazing. Stay good to yourself.

Go over with some flowers and take a walk and just talk.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

My partner and I are in the same boat as you--we are living in a travel trailer on a lot, I have lost income because my pregnancy keeps me on bedrest.... Partner is going to school therefore is working less. Never mind about the not being married, his parents have pretty much said the same thing about us "it's an awful time".

As far as the lady goes, she is probably scared and hormonal. Don't underestimate the power of pregnancy hormones! Just be there for her, remind her that she is loved and you two will make it.

What gets us through it is knowing that we are a team, we made our bed and now we must lie in it. Love each other, this is a happy thing and if it feels right who cares about what anyone else thinks.'

Best of luck to you!

 

[bmason]

When I got pregnant with our first child, it was a complete surprise and neither me or my (now husband) were financially prepared and were living in not ideal living situations. We were both nervous for the new role we were about to enter into, but once we found out, things completely changed. We ended up getting it together, and even with low incomes and new baby supplies, we budgeted well and were never really strapped for cash. Things really came together fast for us, and now nothing is more important than our family. I can't imagine not having our daughter, and looking back, I wouldn't change it. I was also her age and terrified to tell my parents and family as well. In the end, everything worked out well, and it will for you both too!

 

[bmason]

Also, hormones really do build up fast and are worsened by stress. Things will calm down soon with her emotions. I know whenever I am facing stress and pregnant I can be pretty unlovable, but thankfully my husband takes it all in stride.

 

[alex_james]

Thank you all again for your help. I feel pretty silly really, the amount of worrying I've been doing is not normal. I'm terrified about how my partner is going to cope throughout the pregnancy. The last time she was forced off these depression tablets she takes, she attempted suicide twice (this was before I was with her) and this really scares me, especially when her emotions are going to be all over the place. She seems excited about it, she took me around ''toys 'r' us'' yesterday looking at toys already! But I just don't feel it. I feel like I won't be good enough to help her and the baby, both mentally and financially. I love her so much and can't bare anything happening to her. I'm seeing my doctor this morning and see if I can seek help with the way I'm feeling. The way im acting isn't fair on my fiancée and I want to change, I want to be happy about all of this and I want to feel excited, but at the minute, its the total opposite!

 

[alex_james]

It's now been a week since I heard this news, and things are just getting worse! First of all, I've made some grave mistakes at work since last week due to my head being all over the place and have a disciplinary meeting on Friday morning in which I fear my job is under serious threat. Also, my fiancée suffers from migraines and she has been on tablets for years for it. She is nearly 6 weeks pregnant and we have just been told that the tablets can cause serious abnormalities and deformities in the baby and after the 20 week scan we could find that the baby isn't developing correctly and we may even have to take ''that decision''. I'm still really worried about having a child and cant get myself excited at the minute, its just constant fear and dread if I'm being perfectly honest, but I really want to be the very best I could ever be!!