willynilly, i think it was a combination of a lot of things.... i will explain now, if no one minds. will try to make a long story short. and now he is almost 21 months old.
my OH and i had decided we wanted to try for a baby, but i wanted to be married first. after a couple weeks of thinking and talking, we agreed i would come off the pill and plan our wedding for 3 months time. we started trying, first cycle i didnt fall. second cycle - a week before i was due to test, he called the wedding off. we had told everyone, spoke to the vicar, everything. I was gutted. I was unsure whether we could come back from that. Then, 2 days before my docs appointment to go back on the pill, i found out i was pregnant. I must have fallen before he called it off. i told him, as soon as he called it off, that there was no way we were TTC anymore. that it wasnt fair for him to have it all his way.
So, i spent most of my pregnancy in two minds. part of me was overjoyed to be having a baby but another part of me was so incredibly angry and scared. i couldnt believe he had taken my dream away from me, it was so important to me to be married before i had a baby.
things settled down but i definitely resented him for a long time. pretty much until we actually got married 2 months ago
but yeah... when jack was born i suffered from post natal depression (post partum depression), followed by regular depression, topped off with trying hard to stay recovered from my eating disorder. Jack was a bad sleeper, i didnt get a full nights sleep until he was about 9 months old and i am one of those people who just do. not. cope. without sleep. not at all. i have a short temper and i am very emotional at the best of times. when jack was little i really learnt the meaning of patience.
i felt very alone, very scared, and completely desolate for a very long time. I remember once, i had just tucked jack into his basket, he was about a week old. i turned over and laid down but thought id better get up and check him, in case he was too hot. id read somewhere that being too hot can cause cot death. and then the thought flicked through my mind that it wouldnt be all that bad if he died of SIDS. it would be a relief, thats what i thought. Looking back now, i just cannot believe i ever thought that. I love him more than words could ever describe, he is my little man and i would die for him. I must have been really ill to have thought things like that.
The thing that kept me going (and still does) was breastfeeding. knowing that Jack needed me to eat well and look after myself helped me keep going. and looking back, when i feel guilty for feeling hardly any emotion for him, i know that all the times in the middle of the night during the 2364763784686th night feed and i was wishing he would disappear, all he knew is that he was cuddled up with mama and getting his num nums.
Oh man, im crying now.
i just.... i dont want to go through that again. i am so scared. Jack wont remember what a mess his mother was, but if i have another baby and i end up in the same situation, he will remember. he will see me scream and shout and cry and close off from everyone and ugh..... i love him so much and i only want the best for him.
I know this time will be different. I have a wonderful group of supportive friends in real life and online, my DH knows better and would definitely be a better support, i would know what to expect and of course this time i have let the Lord into my life. But i am still terrified. I always wanted to be a mum, and i love being a mum to my little man. i just never imagined it would be so hard at the beginning. I felt like i was stuck in a black hole, i just couldnt see what everyone else saw.
Last month I ovulated on CD 30, so I'm not that far off, but waiting is making me scared...I'm scared that I'm not going to ovulate at all. This is only my second cycle of temping (though I've been doing it since August, it's just that my cycles are long) but I know that I ovulated last month.
