Father needing to vent/release stress

[Fishur]

For starters i apologize at the length of this post. I have decided I need to get all of my stress/fears out in order to move on and enjoy this pregnancy.

I am a 31 year old dad who is incredibly anxious/worrisome by nature. My wife is an amazing 35 year old that gave me an incredible daughter 2 years ago. We conceived our new baby after only 3 months of trying which was shortly after my wife turned 35. We are approaching 11 weeks with this baby.

First I was worried about the length of time it would take to conceive, then I was worried about an early miscarriage. All because of our ages. Mind you this is nothing new as I have been a worrier about everything since I was a kid (a trait I am not proud of).

Just as i was starting to calm down we had our first appointment at 10 weeks. The doctor found a strong heartbeat right away but did talk about the fact that we were in a 'high risk' bracket because of my wife's age. She somewhat pushed genetic testing which my wife and I were against.

We are against it primarily because we are scared of false positives causing undo stress and no matter what the results we wouldn't terminate the pregnancy.

After that appointment I cant stop worrying about our baby being born with an issue. I feel my anxiety and stress overpowering my excitement for the baby and I hate that. My wife and I are both very healthy and had no trouble getting pregnant either time (1st try with daughter, 3rd time this go around).

My wife is much more laid back and a strong women so I try not to burden her with my fears (hence venting on a forum). She firmly believes the baby is fine and is seemingly not worried at all (or is putting up a hell of a poker face).

I've googled enough stats to scare me the heck out so I'm hoping to just post my fears here and maybe get some reassuring comments back. Today will be the last day I google things and will just move ahead assuming the little baby will be a healthy sibling to my amazing daughter.

Thank you and god bless all of you amazing mothers of the world.

 

[jessmke]

I think in your case genetic tests might help ease your anxiety, as the "unknown" seems to be what is bothering you the most. Either you find out that everything is fine and you can relax, or you find out something is wrong and you are able to prepare and plan accordingly. Then if it turns out to be a false positive for a genetic condition you'll end up pleasantly surprised with a perfect healthy baby. Just my two cents.

Congrats on the pregnancy, and try to remember that the odds are in your favour of having a perfectly healthy baby, even considering your wife's age.

 

[mrsmax]

I agree. As you arw worrief a test would hopefully give you peace of mind. Google Harmony testing. It is 99% accurate and no risk to baby. Good luck

 

[SaraVO]

My husband and I are both older and my husband insisted upon every test that was offered and I do have to say that knowing that they were all negative has put both of us in a much better place emotionally. We went through miscarriages so there was cause for trepidation but it helped enormously in our case. It is up to you and your wife but somehow not knowing and not being prepared would be worse than having to work through your feelings.

 

[5Miracles]

Hello papa!

First off, I think what the others wrote have good merit to it. I also COMPLETELY understand about getting a false positive on something, adding worry for what aught to be a great time, only to worry for nothing when your baby IS born just healthy and peachy--which, happens a LOT I see, and in different age groups too.

I am 41 and DH is 42, and we just had a HORRIBLE appt with an OBGYN yesterday that quite frankly, I came home in tears...he was obviously slanted to think in one direction--and pretty much damn near walked us out of his office because of his personal beliefs. He didn't just rattle off stats (I have no problem with honesty)-- he went so far as to suggest IVF for us with a donor egg---and this was the FIRST time we met him! GRRR!

Here's the thing: there are risks to EVERY pregnancy--no matter what age--but no one really talks about that as it's more 'popular' to eschew the 'advanced age' possible problems and challenges...and personally, I think it's because we're not far removed from a generation that if you didn't have all your kids born by the parents being 25, then something was 'wrong'. "Old" to them was 30, for cripes sake.

Stay away from "Dr. Google"---it will drive you BATTY! Just think about the world we live in---negativity 'sells'-- something positive isn't reported about ANYTHING as much as something bad/sad/horrific. Instead, look up "moms over 40"--I know you and your wife aren't in your 40s yet, but there are some beautiful sites out there with 'older' moms who have healthy pregnancies and babies and are telling society to take a royal hike when it comes to negative judgement!

My DH is a worry-wort by nature too, even a child also ...and I am a 'cup is half FULL' person, but I admit, I am a little worried now he's told me some of his worries...but honestly, for every 'sad' story there are dozens of GOOD ones--and I keep staying with that. (We make a good pair--he grounds me and I lift him up .) It's NOT easy when we live in a society that worships "youth"---surgeries, anti age creams, don't have a gray hair (HORRORS!) etc etc etc. Personally, I am HAPPY for every candle on my birthday cake because I'm frickin grateful to have been alive this long I'm definitely NOT bashing people who want to extend their appearance etc--all I am saying is it definitely casts a pall onto an idea that is out of that particular box, like being "advanced age" and trying to/having a baby.

I'm not gonna patronize you and say "don't worry"; what I will say is try and remind yourself that you DO in fact have a better chance of a healthy tot rather than the other direction...and I am praying for a healthy 9 months and healthy delivery for both your wife and son/daughter #2.

BIGHUGS!!!!!

 

[Fishur]

Thank you 5Miracles. That post meant a lot to me and made my heart feel very warm. You and your husband sound a lot like my wife and I. I wish you the best of luck with your venture as well.

Thank you again.

 

[Eleonora]

Hello Worried Dad: Welcome to Parenthood. Personally I go through different phases where I google and become obsessed with the possibilities of different terrible scenarios playing out. With my first (born when I was 38) I had an insistent fear that he had a chromosomal disorder until I had him in my arms - - at which point I wasn't all sentimental the way fresh moms are supposed to be but actually more interested in checking him over really carefully for signs of any problems at which point I could finally relax, (until I started worrying about SIDS.) Now at the age of 42 and pregnant with my second, I wonder how could I have been so worried? I guess one point I want to make is that this parenthood thing carries with it a certain amount of free-floating anxiety that is the same reservoir we will tap into when our kid runs into the street at the age of 4, or falls out of a tree at 7 years old, or starts riding motorcycles at 17, or marries the "wrong" person at the age of 28! As far as genetic problems, I fully intended on taking advantage of the new blood tests (like Harmony or Panarama, etc) but we started with the nuchal translucency screening at 12 weeks combined with the PAPP-A & HCG values and the results put us into a low-risk category. In fact, they were as good as can be at my age (roughly 1:900) and I have been mostly able to put it out of my mind. There are also some unofficial factors that I think are important (like I conceived both pregnancies the first month TTC and haven't had miscarriages) and me and my husband are from genetically different backgrounds without any close relatives with major chromosomal problems. It sounds like some of these may well apply to you too. I am not sure what kind of genetic testing your doctor was pushing but the NT screening is very common these days and it tends to push almost everyone into a much lower risk group which should alleviate some of the worry. There are also many stories on here of people who simply wanted to be prepared and have time to prepare their friends and families (not to mention the medical staff!) in the event that a serious problem is discovered though you are right that the false-positives do truly cause unnecessary anguish. So my second point is that even if you don't do specific genetic tests, (and who would recommend something as dangerous as amniocentesis for a 35 year old these days without really good reasons?) I would recommend doing all the ultrasounds including the NT screening because they are informative (and always fun to see your baby) and there is always the chance they might catch a health or developmental problem (perhaps totally unrelated to a chromosomal disorder) that is important to know about sooner rather than later. In any case, you can't escape the parental anxiety.

 

[5Miracles]

Congrats on your pregnancy, Eleonora!!!--you're giving ME some great positive vibes in TTC at 41! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!

Daddy Fishur, NOT to kill a dead horse--I totally forgot to mention that DH and I were 33/35 with #1 and 35/37 with #2---BOTH healthy bambinos, pregnancies and deliveries. My mom was 38 when I was born--and I was 2 months early, born on the living room couch (the traffic in Los Angeles for some reason hindered the ambulance from making it in time) and I was born at a whopping 3 pounds. I am now a strapping 5'8", 160 size US 10/12, healthy and with ZERO health issues, unless you count the fact that I talk WAAAAAAY too much

If we manage to get preggo with #3, we fully intend to have a Harmony test done, just to get confirmation that all will be ok. It's never a bad thing to have added good news

 

[Willow01]

Gosh how positive are all the replies you have had!! I was 32 when I had my first child, odds of abnormalities at nt scan was in the thousands..happy lady, 2nd baby odds at age 35 1-130 confirmed by nt scan, devastated. Still a reasonable ratio number considering my age they said but I was still devastated. Best thing I did was have the harmony test, it cost £500 eek, to put my mind at ease, and it has a 99.5% accuracy. It can be done from 10 weeks but I had mine at 14 weeks. Results from harmony were low risk. I now admit (even though it is a blood test of the baby's own DNA!) I STILL worried throughout the remainer of the pregnancy that the results were not right but I now have a healthy baby sleeping next to me. Please consider the harmony test, the wait for the results (9 days for me) were hellish but it gives you the answer you are looking forx

 

[RaquelDee]

I remember being very stressed about my age when I was pregnant (I was 37) and my obstetrician basically told me to get over it (very politely, though) and that the risks of complications purely because of age have been overstated in the media. I got the harmony test anyway and the peace of mind from it was fantastic. Having said that, there is plenty of other stuff to worry about with pregnancy and babies! Do what you can to set your mind at ease, in all likelihood your baby will be absolutely fine. My girl is now 6 months old and very healthy.

 

[Larkspur]

Dear Worried Dad, I know it's hard, but chill. Seriously, chill. Here's why.

1. Risks rise very marginally over 35 for women, and by almost nothing for men over 30, but regardless of the slightly elevated risks, your chances that your baby will be 100 percent normal and healthy are much better than 95 percent. If someone told you, "Here, buy a lottery ticket, the chance that you will win is better than 95 percent", would you be feeling optimistic or pessimistic?

2. There's a lot of evidence that traditional understandings of increased risk for "over 30s" parents are exaggerated. Have a read of this great piece. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazin...-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true

3. If you're prone to anxiety, TAKE THE TEST. The odds of a false negative are SO low.

4. The ease that you've had in getting pregnant is a great sign. And you're actually both still young! My partner and I are proper older parents. I was 36 for our first and he was 48, and we were 38/50 for our second. Like you, we had no issues conceiving. We had no special genetic tests as the standard 14-week scan and blood work came back very low risk (1:6000+). We have two beautiful, perfect children. Perhaps things are a bit more relaxed in my country (New Zealand) but nobody - not my GP, or midwife, or obstetrician, or scan techs - seemed even mildly concerned by my age (or OH's). At one point I made a joke to the obstetrician in my second pregnancy about being an "elderly" mother (I was 37 at the time) and he peered at me over his glasses and said, "Oh, you're just a spring chicken. We don't even notice before there's a 4 at the start of your age."

Good luck, but I say that blithely, as your odds are already piled overwhelmingly on the good side.

 

[MamaE]

It's totally normal to worry!! I say, look at the silver lining to the age factor: you have every test at your disposal to make sure your little bean is healthy (and it's covered by insurance now bc of her age! HA!). I take your anxiety as a good sign too, bc that means that you are informed. However, Google can be your worst enemy. It's fair to want to do research, but you WILL drive yourself (and your wife) nuts if you keep running through statistics. She got pregnant naturally---and quickly---feather in your caps and awesome sign!

My husband and I are both worriers, but I have to tell you, I was 34 when I conceived and 35 at my first appointment a few weeks later. I had the Harmony test, and not only did we find out it was a little girl (!!!), but that she's healthy Put my mind to rest, as I didn't want to have a baby after 35 because of all the things that *could* go wrong. Alas, I'm 6 mo pregnant, and so far so good! Bc I didn't want to be pregnant after 35, and I worry (as any logical parent would), I am taking full advantage of every single test offered to me to make sure this princess is just as happy and healthy as my first

Slow down and enjoy seeing your wife carry your little one. It's a beautiful thing!

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi you sound like a lovely man I'm 43 35 weeks pg with no 2 . Had no 1 at 41 . The risk of something being wrong is only slightly elevated with age . ALL the odds of everything being just fine are in your favour my work college aged 45 just had twins naturally !!!

Congratulations I'm sure all will be just fine xx

 

[Christie2011]

I'm 37 pregnant with twins. I also felt very pressured from my MW to get genetic testing. But I decided not to. I did get the anatomy scan, mostly just so I could get a look at my babies.

I do not regret not getting genetic testing. My story is a little different though. I had testing done on myself prior to going through IVF with a donor. So a lot of things were already ruled out and I didn't see the point of getting my babies tested since, like you, results wouldn't make me want to terminate.

I am now 30 weeks and able to relax a little more. Even if my little ones were to be born now, there is a good chance all will be fine (though they'll spend a decent amount of time in NICU). I just kept my eye on the next milestone and with each one reached, breathed a little easier.

The first major one I looked forward to was VDay (24 weeks), then 28, 30 and basically every two weeks from there.