"feeding without shame"

[BabyCleo]

Hi ladies I have a band new 3 week old baby, and after my own trials and terrors, I had an idea. (im hoping this is allowed!)

I was thinking about starting a blog (im already a blogger) that was based on "Feeding Without Shame" - something that provides unbiased and kind resources and information for women no matter how they choose to feed (combi, bottle, breast). I was 100% shamed in the hospital when breastfeeding wasn't working, and I had no help even from lactation consultants. They all just made me feel bad.

I also want to make breastfeeding mums feel okay with breastfeeding in public, as I know that's a huge issue for them and its unfair. If I was to start something, would any women here feel it was helpful to them? I would post resources for Canada (where I live) the US and the UK. I would also like to have a contact so women could write in and maybe have voulteers who have the same stories/are pros with breast/bottle/combi feeding able to help these women without leaving their homes.

I just wanted to help women who had the same issues I have/had, as im sure many of you have had too. I want it to be a 100% no shaming, no matter how you feed as long as your baby is fed with a full tummy. I was gonna post this in the breastfeeding area too, but I wanted opinions here first

 

[AngelofTroy]

Absolutely fantastic idea, I would have really benefitted from such a blog when my son was younger.

I ended up combination feeding after 12 weeks of seeking help from health visitors, breastfeedIng counsellors and eventually a lactation consultant as my son struggled to latch with an undiagnosed lip and tongue tie.

When his weight, development and reflux improved dramatically with the introduction of formula I felt shame on both sides, for failing to breastfeed and also failing to see that breastfeedIng wasn't working earlier. I felt I'd starved my son (I still worry about this) but also felt that I hadn't fought hard enough to breastfeed him, I'd been told by Health visitors numerous times that his latch was 'perfect' and one even made the comment 'I should take a picture and pass it around the breastfeedIng group' .... I was made to feel stupid for worrying and they blamed reflux for his poor weight gain.

Please make this blog and support ALL mums.

 

[BabyCleo]

Thank you! Im really glad you like the idea, I started a template for it today. Im hoping it will take off! I know I could have used it 3 weeks ago, lol.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I'd be interested for the next go around!

https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/ is a great site for those that chose to go straight to formula.. it helped me when I was struggling to get threw those early months. (because I really had no support elsewhere, besides my husband)

Can't wait to see the template!

 

[BabyCleo]

Thank you! Here is a link to a template/start. You will notice lots of of says "under construction" and "test" lol, but the links on the side are mostly working.

https://feedingwithoutshame.blogspot.ca/

 

[Insomniash]

Sounds great to me. It would be nice to see a place where stories and resources are shared. I am a combination feeder because of how my son and I were treated...or mistreated at the hospital. I definitely struggled with feeling guilty and like a failure for not producing enough breast milk to feed my son. There have also been other challenges because he was having sensitivities and when you combination feed identifying the source of the problem is much more difficult because you need to evaluate your diet as well as the formula. It is a process to say the least....I say go for it. I would read

 

[Hit Girl]

Wonderful idea. I could honestly write a book on what I went through. I saw countless LCs and not one of them helped me. They couldn't accept that my baby simply couldn't latch. They blamed everything on my son (including a tongue-tie he didn't even have) and never acknowledged that the shape of my nipples made it impossible for him to feed - I've since found that out.

I pumped around the clock for 6 months and got PND. I was surviving on no sleep and, meanwhile my son was sleeping happily through the night - I was crying through the night. Why didn't I FF? Because the militant LCs I saw convinced me that FFing would be like giving my son junk food. I missed out on so much of his precious newborn stage. I couldn't even hold him to my chest because of my ironic, extreme case of oversupply (which all the LCs told me would settle down and it didn't). Not being able to hold him upset me more than anything as I was getting constant letdowns if he barely touched me which was excruciating and led to plenty of episodes of engorgement and mastitis. The experience was enough to almost put me off having another little one.

Long story short, I don't have any faith in LCs now. I think the whole Breast is Best campaign has gone too far where it makes mums like me feel absolutely worthless if they can't breastfeed. NO ONE can say that I didn't try hard enough. I'm so sick of the BFing literature implying that all women who FF choose to do so from the get go. Newsflash: Many of us DON'T have a choice. We don't want to let our babies starve because we're simply not making enough milk to meet their needs (many LCs claim that ALL mums make enough for their babies - not necessarily the case), many of us have severe latching issues and feel like failures. I could go on and on with the reasons. So many of us absolutely intended to BF our little ones but the issues we encountered didn't get better after that 'settling in period', even after countless hours in consultations with lactation experts. I definitely got guilted into pumping as long as I did. Under no circumstances was I to give my baby formula! I swear these LCs I dealt with were militant, they had a set agenda that was only about the baby breastfeeding and they took nothing into consideration regarding my rapidly declining mental state. It's almost like they'd prefer a struggling-to-breastfeed mum with PND than a present, happy mum who FFs her baby.

The breastfeeding groups need to stop treating us like we chose not to breastfeed our babies. For so many of us it wasn't a case of not trying hard enough.

I recently had my preadmission hospital interview and the midwife asked me if I'd like to see an LC while I'm there and I said only if I can see one who is open to formula feeding as well. If BFing works out for us this time - great. If it doesn't, I refuse to sacrifice my sanity. I really want to enjoy this baby and not miss out on those precious moments like last time.

Here in Aus we get these 'freebie' bags at various stages of our pregnancy and then one when baby arrives. I got a few with DS1 and it came with samples of formula that my DH and I had lots of fun trying out. I recently noticed that the new one I got didn't have any and this is why... https://www.bountybags.com.au/feedingFriendly.aspx. That made me so angry. Completely shames and alienates those women out there who have no other option. Why can't the world just be 'pro-feeding'? What a wonderful world that would be.

 

[bdb84]

My situation is a bit different.

I only ebf my first for 3 weeks. Classic new, young first time mom who had no knowledge of BFing (all women in my family FF their babies). I had no idea about growth spurts and cluster feeding, so I had convinced myself that he simply was not getting enough. I began supplementing and we were fully FFing just shy of 3 months.

Fast forward nearly 4 years and I had my second child. BFing was a success. We went on to nurse for 2.5 years. The problem? I hated it. However, I pushed forward because I was made to believe I was failing her if I didn't. Then I was made to feel selfish for wanting to wean at a year because "the really good, selfless mothers let their nursling self wean".

Fast forward 5 years this time, and I knew I was going to do what worked best for me this time around. Why? Because when I was 7 months pregnant, my husband left me and I became a newly single mom to three. I knew I would need to do whatever it took to keep my own sanity intact. I ebf for a few weeks and then began supplementing one bottle of formula a few times a week. Before 2 months of age, we were at 1-2 bottles a day, and as of last week, we are exclusively formula feeding.

I prefer it. It helps me feel like I have some sort of control over my life as the children and I are still adjusting to the huge changes. Their dad is still in the picture, and he keeps them every other weekend (the baby, he just keeps one night every other weekend), but 100% of the day to day child rearing is solely in my hands. Bottle feeding gives me that little bit of freedom that helps to keep me sane.

I still get to snuggle her little body close to mine, feel her fingers wrap around mine as she drinks. We still get to maintain eye contact and I get to smile knowing while I'm no longer nourishing her from my own body, she is getting excellent nutrition elsewhere.

And most importantly? This time around I harbor no guilt. Just pure contentment.

 

[BabyCleo]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for everyones struggles!! Ive spoken to a few women who have also said they are interested in what im doing. Thank you for the support!

If anyone would like to type up their story and send it to me, I would love to put it on the blog. Im rounding up real life stories of mothers from all groups (although the formula shaming is the main thing im seeing) and I would love to post them so other women can not feel so alone.

Hitgirl- im actually from Australia but live in Canada now. I can also support women there too, not just Canada/US/UK. Ill add in an Australia tab.

I would love to post some stories, ad they would remain anonymous (I just mention the country you are from and had the experience in) so please PM them to me!!

 

[wifey2013]

This is a fantastic idea!! I'm from Montreal, and as much as I wanted to /tried BF, it just didn't work for us, and the nurses were so unhelpful in the hospital that I came home feeling so shamed that I tried to BF for 2 weeks, my LO was getting so frustrated, and so was I.

 

[Hit Girl]

Amazing that you're originally from Australia!

I will most definitely send you my story. It would be an honour to be a part of this, knowing that other women will feel supported.

I'm feeling pretty nervous/down about the prospect of going through all this again with #2. The thing is, it can't be the same as last time because I'll now have 2 to look after so I won't have the time to pump like I did before. I just hope that I don't have oversupply again. And if I do, I know not to listen to anyone who tells me it will settle down on its own.

 

[BabyCleo]

Yes, please send it to me! My mother sent me hers (when I was a baby) and was excited to have it up

 

[Starlight34]

I love this idea. I just had my first baby at the end of June, and had a bad experience with breastfeeding. My milk took a long time to come in, and even then, it wasn't that much. I combo feed my son at this time, but at first I had nothing until day 6 after birth. The nurses were very quick and persistent to get us going on breastfeeding. I had every intention of breastfeeding exclusively and had no idea it was going to be so hard. I was pumping every 3 hours at the hospital, with no results. By the end of the first day, I asked the nurse if I could give him some formula because I was worried since there was no milk. She told me never to give him formula and made me struggle to try to feed him on my own. I also got told formula was a form of junk food. He was latching frantically, but nothing was coming out, and he was screaming and crying due to hunger. They made me pump so much my nipples were bleeding. I just lost it, sitting there crying with my son because I felt I had failed him. My nipples hurt so bad and I felt very vulnerable and down. I finally got a nurse who let me give him some formula, he calmed right down. I spend the next few days very emotional because of the formula feeding shame. I really wish there was more support for women struggling to breastfeed. They all just assume your milk is going to come in the first day and that you'll produce loads. That's not true. And they shouldn't make women feel bad about it either. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who went through this.

 

[Autumnflower]

This makes me so worried and sad. I'm currently pregnant with my first and I don't plan on breastfeeding. I have none of the great reasons you ladies do. I was bottle fed formula from the time I was born and most of my family was formula fed due to latching and milk production issues with bf. Anyways I already know I'm going to receive a lot of judgement based on my decision. Honestly I don't feel it is anyone's business how you choose to feed your baby. I don't feel anyone but my husband deserves an explanation as to why. I know the nurses will ask and try to get me to breastfeed but I saw my sister and cousins go through it. Some stuck it out for years, others months, others weeks. No matter how long they stuck with it in the end it was a huge cause of anxiety for them. I feel breastfeeding is wonderful but I also think formula feeding is wonderful. As long as the baby is doing well and mom is happy I don't see why women are made out to be villains if they choose one over the other. To address the whole "formula fed babies don't do as well" nonsense, both my sis and I were raised on formula and we were the healthiest, happiest kids. We are both successful, happy adults who contribute to society. We grew up with the best mom who loved us dearly and I consider her one of my closest friends! I don't feel anyone deserves to feel less than due to how they feed their children. I hope your blog works out I look forward to reading it and contributing some day

 

[loeylo]

I'm also pregnant with #1 and worried already. My mum is 100% in camp "breast is best" so both myself and my sister were breastfed. My mum did have issues such as mastitis and didn't exactly have an easy ride, but she persevered. I know she is really proud that she did feed us both, and she also felt it was her precious time with her babies.

I would love to breastfeed my baby, but in reality I have a really busy lifestyle so my oh is required to take a bigger role in raising our baby than the father traditionally takes. I may need to go back to work pretty early and my oh may need to stay at home, so pumping would be needed.

I'm also worried as I have always had really sensitive nipples. Even taking off/putting on a bra, or the water running over them in the shower makes me cringe. Even my oh doesn't really go near them! I honestly don't think I will cope!

...so yeah, excellent idea, I'll be reading!

 

[BabyCleo]

Thank you everyone for your replies! Id love for you all to send me your stories so I can pop them up on the blog Its been awesome to see so many people step forward and talk about this

 

[sunshine2014]

I'm also interested in reading your blog!

I plan to exclusively formula feed, and I'm a,ready being judged for it. I'm nervous to tell my OB my plan, and I'm having anxiety over the nurses after delivery. I've heard they are super pushy. I know I need to stand my ground, but it definitely makes me nervous. I hope I'll be able to keep calm while they push breastfeeding on me. Having dh by my side will help I'm sure.

 

[bdb84]

I'm also interested in reading your blog!

I plan to exclusively formula feed, and I'm a,ready being judged for it. I'm nervous to tell my OB my plan, and I'm having anxiety over the nurses after delivery. I've heard they are super pushy. I know I need to stand my ground, but it definitely makes me nervous. I hope I'll be able to keep calm while they push breastfeeding on me. Having dh by my side will help I'm sure.

My only advice is to politely say, "Thank you for your suggestion, but DH and I are comfortable with our decision to formula feed".

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I agree, just stand your ground and let them know you've already made a decision with your husband and you're not interested in breastfeeding. They might surprise you though - I was expecting them to be pushy since the hospital was working on getting some kind of breastfeeding designation, but they never once tried to push me into it (the OB was a different story, ugh).

 

[noon_child]

I love this idea. I just had my first baby at the end of June, and had a bad experience with breastfeeding. My milk took a long time to come in, and even then, it wasn't that much. I combo feed my son at this time, but at first I had nothing until day 6 after birth. The nurses were very quick and persistent to get us going on breastfeeding. I had every intention of breastfeeding exclusively and had no idea it was going to be so hard. I was pumping every 3 hours at the hospital, with no results. By the end of the first day, I asked the nurse if I could give him some formula because I was worried since there was no milk. She told me never to give him formula and made me struggle to try to feed him on my own. I also got told formula was a form of junk food. He was latching frantically, but nothing was coming out, and he was screaming and crying due to hunger. They made me pump so much my nipples were bleeding. I just lost it, sitting there crying with my son because I felt I had failed him. My nipples hurt so bad and I felt very vulnerable and down. I finally got a nurse who let me give him some formula, he calmed right down. I spend the next few days very emotional because of the formula feeding shame. I really wish there was more support for women struggling to breastfeed. They all just assume your milk is going to come in the first day and that you'll produce loads. That's not true. And they shouldn't make women feel bad about it either. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who went through this.

It's the nurses who should feel ashamed about this. How dare they guilt you about formula milk but then offer no practical help with bf and expressing. No-one has milk on day 1, just colostrum and it it very difficult to remove using a pump (it is better to hand express) because it is thick and literally comes in tiny droplets.

If you weren't producing anything for 6days they should have been investigating (earlier than that) whether you had any retained placenta (a common cause of slow/no milk production) as that could also have caused a very serious infection for you.

No one can be expected to breastfeed with those around them offering bad advice, guilt trips, no support or help etc.