feel like ive ruined husbands life

[matildasmummy]

Sorry about this huge rant.

I feel like ive ruined husband's life. He's so miserable and fed up. I feel like although he wanted kids Matilda our first was an accident and maybe it wasnt as he thought it would be. We've now been married two years end of this month and were due another in 8 weeks and I feel that he doesn't really want this family life.
He was a very keen motor sports person but because we got Matilda now he had to sell his rally cars andstop the motorsport so we could afford to buy a house. We Joe have hardly any money and he doesn't have any hobbies. He had a motorbike accident last Jan and since then his anxiety has gotten worse. We always arguing and getting on each other's nerves. He doesn't seem in the least bit interested in this baby. I'm so sick of crying about it. I feel like I should just take Matilda and go somewhere so he can get on with the life he wants and stop ruining it for him.
Sorry for the miserable post bit I dint have anyone to talk to about it.
X

 

[charlieworld]

Oh I'm sorry you feel so down. It can be a very tough time. Don't throw in the towel yet. It must be hard for you both with the stresses of money etc.

Try to find time to talk to him about his concerns - they will probably ease once the baby arrives.

My husband has no interest in my pregnancy either - he just can't seem to relate to it at all - but then he was the same with my first two and he's great with them now.

Give it time. Take some time to do something for yourself - have a nice bath, take a walk, whatever helps you keep positive.

Hugs. x

 

[Mel_jj]

Sorry to hear about how you are feeling im not sure how much help I will be but didn't want to r&r. It sounds like you both need to sit down together and talk about everything and your feelings, do you do things as a couple like have a date night a week or every couple of weeks.....maybe this would be a good idea as you both need to have some time away from your children and have some time just for you guys.

You also both need to have your own little hobby or something that you go and do alone even if its just once a week, does he enjoy any other sports maybe he could join a local rugby/football team or anything really like skittles etc? If he has anxiety issues as well perhaps he needs to seek some expert help as well and maybe some counseling for you both so you can sort through your feelings etc on neutral ground? I know a lot of people are against the idea of counseling but I know a few people who have used it and their marriages are now happier than ever.

Anyway I hope you can work things out and you probably shouldn't make any big decisions until after baby has arrived and things have settled from having a newborn.

 

[Sarahrei]

I agree with the PP, he needs a hobby. It would be very easy to resent your family if you gave up all you loved before them, for them.

My husband shoots competitively, and yes it's annoying because it's expensive but if he didn't have it I'm sure he'd be on his way out. He needs a break from the family just like you do.

 

[tristansmum]

You have not ruined this life. You both made your children together... Planned or un planned it makes no difference. It's not your fault he had to give up his racing and buy a house. That's part of growing up. I think women understand that better than a lot of guys. Sit and talk to him. As the others said perhaps try to have some couplles times and get him interested in new things. As for no interest in pregnancy I think most men just are not. It's the exeptions that are super involved and perfect for the 9 months. Most men like the scans and will feel the kicks and walk round mothercare but they dont get excited about it like us. Give him time and hopefully once baby is here he will show interest. X

 

[Luxoire]

aww hun, i am sorry to hear you are feeling so down! pregnancy hormoes too probably are not helping and they do tend to make everything seem that much more worse...

I think you should both sit down and talk about it and for some ppl time out to do something they like is what they need but that can be hard if money money is an issue - you need to talk to him about how you feel and how he is coming across and perhaps consider counselling too... the children dont need a stressed out mum and an anxious dad - so if you could both resolve it before the LO comes that would be easier as i am sure the crying and sleepless nights with a new born will not make things easier.

Chin up hun - its not your fault, these things happen - try to focus on the positives just now and the reasons you fell in love with him and work on the other things for now.
I'm not sure if you are Christian, but if you are, then prayer is a very helpful way of speaking to God because you know He cares for you and is listening and all things will work out in the end

Good luck.XX

 

[matildasmummy]

Thanks everyone.
Hes at doctors on Tuesday to talk to them about it and it was his idea which is good because it means I know he realises he needs some help. We went out last sat together and had a fab night and he kept apologising for being a nob head because he's not been involved with baby etc but it took him to be semi drunk before he said it. I know he means it but I just feel so guilty for tying him down.
He desperately wants to have his own business and get away from where he works as it makes him more depressed but we just dont have the money at moment to be stable enough to say ok we can cope a few months with not much wage while he gets set up.

I was starting ti feel Vetter this afternoon until I went through some draws (nesting.I think) and found a photo of him in may 2009 just before we got pregnant with our first and it was in Barbados when he was in the car rally and he just looks so happy I want that guy back.
We're going away on the 29th to a holiday camp in a caravan with Matilda for her last holiday as an only child and I'm hoping he'll have chance to relax then.
Xx

 

[ispeakinsongs]

big hugs to you xx

 

[cupcakekate]

the other girls have pretty much said what I was going to say. Hope things get better soon x x

 

[annio84]

Just as a matter of interest you say his anxieties have gotten worse since having a motorbike accident? Any chance he has PTSD?

I think it's good that he's going to the doctor but as others have said it's important for him to have stuff he does outside of being a dad. Obviously the rally driving isn't feasible anymore but maybe he can find something else.

Either way good luck. Hope it all works out.

 

[Babushka]

Sorry you are feeling this way but he had to man-up and part with his expensive hobby to support the people he should be supporting. It takes 2 people to make a baby so the fact that your daughter wasn't planned is not your fault. I bet you have made sacrifices too, perhaps he needs to realise this.

If he is depressed then maybe he should talk to someone. It's hard but you don't need to take on his issues. I wouldn't throw in the towel yet but there is no point living with someone who sucks the joy out of the room & can only focus on what they don't have, it wouldn't hurt to consider and discuss other options for the future.