Feel like such a horrible person for being so upset

[dollych]

Hi,
I'm so embarrassed to be even writing this, but I have to tell somebody, I am absolutely devastated. I had a 16 week gender scan on Monday and found out we are having another boy. I love my first little boy to bits, but all I've ever wanted is to have a little girl. I wanted a girl first time, but was so happy when my son was born because I've always wanted one of each so I was convinced this was going to be a girl. I was so excited about this pregnancy, but now I feel like all my dreams have been shattered. I have been crying for 3 days now and I really can't see me being happy about this pregnancy again. I used to get up every morning and was excited, but now I just cry.
I know you will think I'm a horrible person and I know I am because I should be happy I am pregnant with another healthy miracle, but I just can't pretend. My husband knows I'm upset, but he doesn't realize I am devastated. I feel like somebody has died and I will never get over this.
We are only having two so I will never get to have a special Mother daughter relationship or dress her in lovely clothes or help her choose her wedding dress. I'm just mortified.
It makes it worse because all my family were saying before the scan how they would love a grandaughter / niece/ cousin and all my friends and work colleagues were saying " Wouldn't it be nice to have a girl next, bet you would love a girl".
It's just so upsetting. I've been to loads of psychics over the last 10 years and they all said I would have a boy and a girl. I just can't believe I'm having another boy. I shouldn't have convinced myself it would be a girl.
I was being so healthy up until now and now I just don't care and have even thought I wouldn't be upset if anything happened to the baby, whereas before the scan I would worry about the baby and would have been devastated if I had had a miscarriage. Please don't judge me, I'm usually a happy, caring loving person so I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. I feel so unhappy, depressed, distraught and angry. I have never felt like this or had thoughts like this in my entire life before. I am even thinking of going talking to a Doctor because I am that upset and shocked at my feelings.
I am so thankful to have found this thread and to know that I'm not the only one. Does anyone have any advice?. Thanks x

 

[Ecologirl]

Ah I thought you might have been disappointed (just replied to your other post). I'm really sorry you're struggling with it. I was the same at my 16 wk scan, even yesterday I had to ask again just in case, but I pretty much knew it was 100% boy. When we found out at 16 wks I just balled my eyes out. Couldn't even look at the tech and had to get out of there ASAP. Cried for the rest of the day and on and off for the next week or so.

You're not a horrible person, it's more than ok to have a preference and some of us feel stronger about it than others. It doesn't make you ungrateful or bad in any way. It's taken me 3-4 wks to get my head around it and at the time I didn't think I'd even start getting over it until I saw the baby.

I've bought a few things (don't need much cuz my DS is only 2), but still it's nice to try and get a few things. Finding a name too has been a huge thing for me. I now have a name (didn't have any boy ones at all whereas I had the most beautiful girl ones), anyway I'm positive it suits him and it's helping me bond in my own way. My DH is dead against it, but I've go my head in the sand a bit.

You'll just need time, but I actually did find my 20 wk scan yspesterday more enjoyable because at least I knew and I had prepared myself to look at a little boy in there. Also I know we all say we're all happy our babies are healthy, that's the main thing. It's something you don't want to be told when you already know it and you're grieving for the little girl you've missed out on, but you will be able to think that to yourself really soon and you might even be glad it's a little boy in time.

Do you think you'll try again after this one? I'm just telling all my friends they better have a girl next so I have an excuse to go shopping. I know it's not the same as having that little one of your own, but your little boy will give you so much love. If you want to PM me at any time please do. Always happy to lend an ear, xo

 

[dollych]

Thanks so much for your reply ecologirl. I just hope I will feel like you do in a couple of weeks. I've just re -read what I wrote and I sound like a nutter!!!. I'm just so unhappy , but I know I will come round again when I've got it into my head that I'm having a boy and will be grateful of another healthy baby.
Thanks again xx

 

[Dovey2012]

I know how you feel and I would hope people would not judge you. I think if anything we as parents are the greatest critics of ourselves. We all want to be good parents but when it comes to the gender of kids I think we almost always have a preference. I think it is great that you are expressing your disappointment instead of keeping it inside.
Here is my story...like you I wanted one of each sex. I didnt know how many children myself and DH were going to have but I did know I wanted a boy and a Girl. My frist pregnancy was a 10lbs boy. I was a little sad when he was born but still had in my mind its ok next one will definately be a girl. DH wanted a girl and no boys because hes just not a sporty person and always said he would rather have dolls around then sports. Baby number two I had convinced myself was a girl and everyone kept asking..are u trying for a girl? It would be really nice to have one of each etc. Well baby #2 turned out to be a boy. So did baby THREE AND FOUR. If you think you are devastated multiply that by 2 more pregnancies. I was just at a lost. How was it possible to have FOUR Boys. Im currently pregnant with my fifth baby and I just didnt have the strength to learn its another boy and Ive just convinced myself it is...DH is still saying this is a girl and she etc but I've lost all hope in that. Im coming to the conclusion that I will be living in a house of 6 males and that scares the crap out of me. Mt first HEartrate for the baby was 152(25 weeks) and the next month 160(28 weeks) and the Midwife never commented on gender but when I went to my last appointment at 31 weeks the heartrate was 132 and the Midwifes announces i know what you having a boy...GO FIGURE.
on the brighter side...my four boys have a great relationship together and I couldnt imagine either one of them not there but I will always long for that girl i never had. Maybe u will see the relationship between your two in a positive light as well. Sorry this was all just a rant and probably did not help in the least but its my story....

 

[Adela Quested]

I know you will think I'm a horrible person and I know I am because I should be happy I am pregnant with another healthy miracle, but I just can't pretend. My husband knows I'm upset, but he doesn't realize I am devastated. I feel like somebody has died and I will never get over this.

You hit the nail on the head there. In a sense, somebody *has* died ... you are mourning the dream of a little girl. It doesn't mean that you don't or won't love your son, or that you are a horrible person - I most definitely don't think that by the way. It means that you are going through a grieving process for the little girl you were hoping to have.

That is absolutely ok and it has nothing to do with not being happy to be having a healthy baby boy. You have just been told that a dream you have had for your whole life now doesn't look like it will come true (never say never of course). So you are going through a process of grief right now. I wish more people could understand that (I don't mean you of course, I mean people who are unsympathetic), it seems so obvious to me.

 

[Ecologirl]

I know you will think I'm a horrible person and I know I am because I should be happy I am pregnant with another healthy miracle, but I just can't pretend. My husband knows I'm upset, but he doesn't realize I am devastated. I feel like somebody has died and I will never get over this.

You hit the nail on the head there. In a sense, somebody *has* died ... you are mourning the dream of a little girl. It doesn't mean that you don't or won't love your son, or that you are a horrible person - I most definitely don't think that by the way. It means that you are going through a grieving process for the little girl you were hoping to have.

That is absolutely ok and it has nothing to do with not being happy to be having a healthy baby boy. You have just been told that a dream you have had for your whole life now doesn't look like it will come true (never say never of course). So you are going through a process of grief right now. I wish more people could understand that (I don't mean you of course, I mean people who are unsympathetic), it seems so obvious to me.

I agree with you on that one. I wish people would be more understanding and we didn't feel judged talking about this outside forums etc. I had people telling me I should be grateful for the healthy children I had, and while I knew that, it was a really insensitive thing to say. Then the same person contacted my husband behind my back to see how he was dealing with my disappointment. They had me picked as a nutter too!

There is without doubt a grieving process to go through. I had my little girl's features pictured so vividly in my head, I had her name pretty much too. Just let it all out and take your time with this. I hope like me you can come around to it in a few weeks time, but if you don't, if it takes longer, there's nothing abnormal about you. You're not a nutter, you're just human

 

[No1showgirl]

I agree with you ladies loud and clear on this one....i found out at 16 weeks im having a boy and was devastated! Least i had time to adjust and my 20 week scan was ok - but i pretended i didnt know the gender and it was confirmed again boy! Oh well...Not what i wanted at all but i cant change it, least its only number 1 for me so ill have another crack at a girl at some point....yes i feel like a b*tch and when i talk about it with my mum i hope the baby doesnt hear (wierd) or pick up on any sad vibes...

Dovey2012 - 4 boys! wow - what are the odds of that seriously! I do hope no 5 is a girl for you....truely!!

 

[dollych]

Thankyou so much to all of you. I'm so glad you replied with all your advice xxx

 

[Baby321]

I know how you feel and I would hope people would not judge you. I think if anything we as parents are the greatest critics of ourselves. We all want to be good parents but when it comes to the gender of kids I think we almost always have a preference. I think it is great that you are expressing your disappointment instead of keeping it inside.
Here is my story...like you I wanted one of each sex. I didnt know how many children myself and DH were going to have but I did know I wanted a boy and a Girl. My frist pregnancy was a 10lbs boy. I was a little sad when he was born but still had in my mind its ok next one will definately be a girl. DH wanted a girl and no boys because hes just not a sporty person and always said he would rather have dolls around then sports. Baby number two I had convinced myself was a girl and everyone kept asking..are u trying for a girl? It would be really nice to have one of each etc. Well baby #2 turned out to be a boy. So did baby THREE AND FOUR. If you think you are devastated multiply that by 2 more pregnancies. I was just at a lost. How was it possible to have FOUR Boys. Im currently pregnant with my fifth baby and I just didnt have the strength to learn its another boy and Ive just convinced myself it is...DH is still saying this is a girl and she etc but I've lost all hope in that. Im coming to the conclusion that I will be living in a house of 6 males and that scares the crap out of me. Mt first HEartrate for the baby was 152(25 weeks) and the next month 160(28 weeks) and the Midwife never commented on gender but when I went to my last appointment at 31 weeks the heartrate was 132 and the Midwifes announces i know what you having a boy...GO FIGURE.
on the brighter side...my four boys have a great relationship together and I couldnt imagine either one of them not there but I will always long for that girl i never had. Maybe u will see the relationship between your two in a positive light as well. Sorry this was all just a rant and probably did not help in the least but its my story....

Hiya Dovey, I am sort of in the same situation as you. I have 3 girls and expecting my fourth girl. It also took me a few weeks to grieve that i will never have a boy. I still feel disappointed but not as much as i did before. Unfortunately, this is my last baby, the obstetric team have made it clear to me that i should make this baby my last due to having all sections. Its becoming very risky for me. Even this time they said I have taken a big risk, so I will be getting sterilised. i just feel sad that i won't able to try again. If I had normal births maybe I would have tried a couple more times. Anyway that is my story. Dovey, hope you get your little girl

 

[ILoveYouZandT]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Pretty much everyone here has felt the same way as you to certain degrees. We understand. It will get better as time goes on, and for most people when you meet your baby most of those feelings are erased!

Hang in there!

 

[detterose]

I'm so glad to find a post where I can relate to all you ladies. Feel exactly the same way at the moment. I know I love my little baby boy no matter what. Feeling his little thumps here and there just make me love him even more. But you just feel like you're missing out when you see everyone else having their little girls.

Shopping for the pretty pink tutus, the beautiful little headbands. I tried going shopping yesterday to make myself feel better, in the end, I ended up feeling even worse. The rows of girls clothes compared to the boys was a big slap in the face.

I had nothing but girls names picked out. My partner and I fight over every boys names we mention, I feel like I will never come to terms with it. If I found a boys name we both loved, I'd feel a lot better, but at the moment

 

[Ecologirl]

I'm so glad to find a post where I can relate to all you ladies. Feel exactly the same way at the moment. I know I love my little baby boy no matter what. Feeling his little thumps here and there just make me love him even more. But you just feel like you're missing out when you see everyone else having their little girls.

Shopping for the pretty pink tutus, the beautiful little headbands. I tried going shopping yesterday to make myself feel better, in the end, I ended up feeling even worse. The rows of girls clothes compared to the boys was a big slap in the face.

I had nothing but girls names picked out. My partner and I fight over every boys names we mention, I feel like I will never come to terms with it. If I found a boys name we both loved, I'd feel a lot better, but at the moment

I just replied to your other post, but yes!! I hear you with the name thing! For me it's like the name will help me bond with him. Every time I think about it which is daily and pretty much all the time, I get so depressed. DH had me in tears the other night, because I have one name that means a lot to me and he won't consider it. He keeps suggesting other names and I just want to walk out the door. I give up! He chose my DS's name and we agreed if we ever had another that I'd get choice of first and middle name. It's awful. I love my baby too, but very time I refer to him it's "it" or sometimes I feel like saying "that thing in there". I want to feel closer to him. I know the name suits him that I've chosen, it's the only name I can see him with. It's like Mother's intuition, but with DH not agreeing its like I can't even have that. Be sooooooo much easier if it was a girl. I had the most beautiful names

 

[detterose]

I just replied to your other post, but yes!! I hear you with the name thing! For me it's like the name will help me bond with him. Every time I think about it which is daily and pretty much all the time, I get so depressed. DH had me in tears the other night, because I have one name that means a lot to me and he won't consider it. He keeps suggesting other names and I just want to walk out the door. I give up! He chose my DS's name and we agreed if we ever had another that I'd get choice of first and middle name. It's awful. I love my baby too, but very time I refer to him it's "it" or sometimes I feel like saying "that thing in there". I want to feel closer to him. I know the name suits him that I've chosen, it's the only name I can see him with. It's like Mother's intuition, but with DH not agreeing its like I can't even have that. Be sooooooo much easier if it was a girl. I had the most beautiful names

Exactly, having a name for him would make our bond so much tighter. And I'm in the same situation as you, there have been very few boys names that I really liked and the ones I really liked he's automatically said no and won't even consider. I don't think they understand how hard it is. He just keeps telling me, heaps of couples fight over names and don't pick anything til the last minute.

Me too, I had the first and middle name picked for a girl. Now it just feels like it's back to being, "the baby in my belly". I'm so worried he will be nameless still at birth as the ONLY names I liked at all, believe me, I listed off over a hundred and said no to all. I honestly feel like we won't have one picked when the time even comes

 

[Ecologirl]

I just replied to your other post, but yes!! I hear you with the name thing! For me it's like the name will help me bond with him. Every time I think about it which is daily and pretty much all the time, I get so depressed. DH had me in tears the other night, because I have one name that means a lot to me and he won't consider it. He keeps suggesting other names and I just want to walk out the door. I give up! He chose my DS's name and we agreed if we ever had another that I'd get choice of first and middle name. It's awful. I love my baby too, but very time I refer to him it's "it" or sometimes I feel like saying "that thing in there". I want to feel closer to him. I know the name suits him that I've chosen, it's the only name I can see him with. It's like Mother's intuition, but with DH not agreeing its like I can't even have that. Be sooooooo much easier if it was a girl. I had the most beautiful names

Exactly, having a name for him would make our bond so much tighter. And I'm in the same situation as you, there have been very few boys names that I really liked and the ones I really liked he's automatically said no and won't even consider. I don't think they understand how hard it is. He just keeps telling me, heaps of couples fight over names and don't pick anything til the last minute.

Me too, I had the first and middle name picked for a girl. Now it just feels like it's back to being, "the baby in my belly". I'm so worried he will be nameless still at birth as the ONLY names I liked at all, believe me, I listed off over a hundred and said no to all. I honestly feel like we won't have one picked when the time even comes

Well we can start a nameless baby club together cuz I think I'll be in the same boat as you. I've read about 6 name books back to front, searched websites, it's hopeless. My DH hasn't put half the effort in to find any other names, although I don't think I'd agree anyway. Our tastes are so different! The nameless thing is kicking away while I type It's not fair. Good luck though, hope for both our sakes something amazing happens and both our other halves change their minds, xo

 

[detterose]

I just replied to your other post, but yes!! I hear you with the name thing! For me it's like the name will help me bond with him. Every time I think about it which is daily and pretty much all the time, I get so depressed. DH had me in tears the other night, because I have one name that means a lot to me and he won't consider it. He keeps suggesting other names and I just want to walk out the door. I give up! He chose my DS's name and we agreed if we ever had another that I'd get choice of first and middle name. It's awful. I love my baby too, but very time I refer to him it's "it" or sometimes I feel like saying "that thing in there". I want to feel closer to him. I know the name suits him that I've chosen, it's the only name I can see him with. It's like Mother's intuition, but with DH not agreeing its like I can't even have that. Be sooooooo much easier if it was a girl. I had the most beautiful names

Exactly, having a name for him would make our bond so much tighter. And I'm in the same situation as you, there have been very few boys names that I really liked and the ones I really liked he's automatically said no and won't even consider. I don't think they understand how hard it is. He just keeps telling me, heaps of couples fight over names and don't pick anything til the last minute.

Me too, I had the first and middle name picked for a girl. Now it just feels like it's back to being, "the baby in my belly". I'm so worried he will be nameless still at birth as the ONLY names I liked at all, believe me, I listed off over a hundred and said no to all. I honestly feel like we won't have one picked when the time even comes

Well we can start a nameless baby club together cuz I think I'll be in the same boat as you. I've read about 6 name books back to front, searched websites, it's hopeless. My DH hasn't put half the effort in to find any other names, although I don't think I'd agree anyway. Our tastes are so different! The nameless thing is kicking away while I type It's not fair. Good luck though, hope for both our sakes something amazing happens and both our other halves change their minds, xo

I sure hope so. We went baby shopping Sunday and I was in the car not saying a word after our little name fight, he asked what was wrong and I just broke down and became a complete mess for the rest of the night. I wish he'd just realise and maybe consider some of the names I've thrown out there. He got his little boy, so I wish he'd at least let me name him so it would help make everything for me a bit easier to bond.

Oh I love my little one's kicks, just reminds me how much I truly do love him, even if he is nameless at the moment LOL