Feel so alone...

[pixielou]

had a day like that a couple of days ago! Supposed to have op which got cancelled then one friend told another who I didn't want to know asked me how my op went. The girl oppposite had a beautiful baby boy then I got made redundant from work and I found out that two of my collegues are pregnant. So I was feeling a bit sorry for myself as well as feeling guilty that I felt that way.

All I can say is have a good cry and eat some lovely food that you enjoy, nice hot bath and a chick flick! Tomorrow will be a better day!
X

 

[Sinead]

 

[Schmelly]

I'm having one of those days today. So sorry hear you're feeling so down.

 

[CurlySue]

I went Christmas shopping today. The checkout desk in Gap is right in the middle of the baby section. I was paying for a t-shirt and what falls on the floor, meaning I have to crouch down to pick it up? A baby sock. It had somehow found itself into the sleeve of the t-shirt.

I actually started crying. Had to hold it back. Paid for the tshirt and just more or less ran out.

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING is going right, right now, and I feel so hurt.

 

[Nicnac]

I had a woman run into my leg with a pram today. I whirled round all angry expecting a shopping trolley or something was faced with gurgling smiley baby. She apologised profusely and I welled up. Shite, aint it.

 

[CareBear]

Just wanted to give you both some hugs

 

[CurlySue]

I had a woman run into my leg with a pram today. I whirled round all angry expecting a shopping trolley or something was faced with gurgling smiley baby. She apologised profusely and I welled up. Shite, aint it.

Really shite. It's that time of year. Especially for kids, for babies, for little ones. Santa Claus isn't coming to my house this year though and I don't think he'll be coming next year, either.

I really, really don't want IVF. I just don't. I don't want to have to force myself to get pregnant because I cannot do it myself. I know it will mean that my baby will be perhaps more loved and wanted by one that's conceived naturally but it just doesn't feel right.

It doesn't feel right that someone has to do it for me and even then it might not work...

I know I am not alone. I know I have people on here but in true life, I am so isolated it's not even funny.

OH gave me a hug this morning and told me "I don't know what to say" and when he saw me in Gap he just touched my shoulder and said "It'll happen."

That's all he ever says. It's all he's said for the past nine months or so, since it's really been upsetting me, and it's probably one of the worst things he can say because WHAT IF IT DOESNT?

 

[Millnsy]

Hi CurlySue,

I think its all been said but I didn't want to read and run. So sorry you're feeling the way you are. YOu are NOT alone. I am about to start another 3 months of 100mg clomid after my Lap but I don't really have any faith that it will work as it hasn't so far. I had been feeling exactly the same as you recently but have turned a corner by telling myself that we are nearing the last phase of our journey to have a baby. If the clomid fails I'll be on the IVF list and by this time next year I am convinced that I will be pregnant. I have to believe other wise I will give up but keep going, you;re almost there and you have to believe it too.

HOpe you feel better soon...
M x

 

[CurlySue]

The thing that scares me, Millnsy, is what if IVF DOESN'T work for me? Surely that's the end of the road?

OH won't even speak of it. If that doesn't work, that's more or less it because he doesn't want to adopt.

I had someone I related to. Someone I knew felt the way I felt. Now she's pregnant, and I am such a terrible, terrible person that I have had to distance myself because I can't relate to her any more. I can't listen to her talk about scans and morning sickness.

I feel so left behind...

Would love to feel positive, I really would, but I just can't do it.

 

[Nicnac]

First off hon, you are not a terrible person...very far from it. It's only natural that you feel like that. So many of us do.

With IVF, I know it's scary, but it does work...so many ladies owe their little ones to it. You have to believe, and it may be an easy thing to say, but you want your own LO so much. Not trying to sound flippant, but you may end up with two, and not have to go through this ever again.

I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.

Where are you in your cycle at the moment?

Big

 

[CurlySue]

Oh I know it works Nic, for some. I also know that it doesn't work for others and I just keep on thinking, what if it doesn't work for me? What on Earth can I do then because that's it really, isn't it? OH won't adopt, he won't even speak of it, surrogacy is a no go in this country so, does that mean I just have to accept having no kids? Seriously, it's the only thing I want in the world. Take everything from me that's made of material and just give me a child. I would wear the same outfit for life if it only meant having a little one to spoil.

I stopped taking the pill roughly three years ago this month. I didn't come off it specifically to get pregnant but I never did. I never have. And, I got married only a year and a bit ago so you can probably understand how much inadvertent sex I've had in the past few years yet still nothing. Nada. Zilch. No HINT of a line.

I once thought that I wanted three kids. You know what? I can't do this again. Not again. If I ever get pregnant that's it. I'm going back on the pill. I can't stand this heartache for any longer.

In my cycle I am currently CD24 of my third anovulatory cycle in a row. My body gives me no chance.

 

[Nicnac]

Hola hon,

How you feeling today? You said 3rd anovulatory cycle...so it isn't every cycle? That still means there's a chance.

I stopped taking the pill Jan 07, and like you, not even a shadow or evap line.

I was reading Sambatikis journal early this morning and she's been talking to a midwife who told her something quite interesting. In the wild animals will not go into labour if they are stressed, because their bodies send out hormones indicating it's not safe. This can happen is us as well. That when we are pressured or stressed about conceiving our bodies react and send out hormones that make our bodies think it's pregnant, so won't need to get pregnant.

Maybe you should try and tell yourself that you're not going to try for the next couple of months and you're going to wait till you've been put on the list. Tell yourself that all the nookie for the next couple of cycles is just going to be for you and DH...not TTC. Maybe give your body a bit of a break, stop beating yourself up for a while.

Wish you were a bit closer so I could give you a massive hug!!

Big Internet instead.

 

[CurlySue]

I ovulate sometimes. Perhaps every other month. For the past 15 months, for example, I have ovulated 7 times so it's a little under every other month. Ever since I started on Clomid I have not ovulated. Not once. That's why I am thinking of coming off it because it clearly has the opposite effect for me, for some strange reason. I know I ovulate sometimes. The Clomid was to try to make it more regular but it's stopped it altogether.

Have tried the "month off" thing. Still didn't work. I am going away for Christmas and that is "the right time" etc so maybe something will happen then. I just never wanted IVF. Ever. I just hate that it has come to this when it's so easy for other people, y'know? Hardly seems fair.

 

[Nicnac]

Hey

Maybe coming off the clomid is a good idea for you. Have you thought about alternative therapies? Herbal etc? I think clomid is prescribed if the cause of the anovulation is unknown (but I'm not a specialist - just an avid googler!) Are you OPK'ing each month? Could it be that the clomid is changing your cycle and you haven't POAS at th right time, leading you to think that you haven't O'd?

Christmas is a great time for you to relax. There's so many other things to keep you distracted. Are you going anywhere nice? I guess from your sigs that you're in Spain. Are you Spanish? If you are, you're English is amazing!!

Speak soon


Nic

 

[Nicnac]

Hey hon,

Just found and read your journal....sorry for the stoopid comments about you being spanish!! Just realised you're a lover of football/footballers instead. Doh feel extra specially stooooopid.

Hope I haven't offended with any of the herbal remarks either, you sound like you've had a rough few months.

I'm with you on the cystits and have my emergency keflex too in the bathroom cabinet.

Sorry again

 

[CurlySue]

Nah not in Spain. Just really fancy that particular player (shallow, at times, and I love my Spanish men - my team is full of them). Am a scouse girl through and through and spend far too much money on The Scousers. OPK every month yes, either positive every single day or not positive at all. Start POAS from CD8 right through.

Going to Las Vegas for Christmas, yes.

I just hope something works out before IVF list in January.

 

[Nicnac]

Ah, Liverpool - having a good season thus far!!! It'd be nice for someone else to win the league other than Chelsea and Man U!!

Am a Villa fan myself, not that many nice players or Spaniards in our team! But we're having a pretty decent time of it ourselves. Yesterdays match was amazing, always nice to beat the Blue side of Liverpool, seeing as we never manage it with the Reds!!!!

Vegas sounds amazing for Christmas, at least you won't have to put up with the crappy weather here. Not sure if it's the place for relaxing, but I'm sure it'll be absolutely amazing and definitely distracting. And A La Beckham you could bring home your own bean and call him Vegas or Las!!!

Hope you have a fab time!!!!

 

[CurlySue]

Haha or Elvis maybe?

Yeah we are doing alright. Bit dodgy of late though. We are winning but not winning well and that annoys me since I actually pay to watch it and it's hardly entertainment for money. But, we do have two of our most consistent injured so that probably has an effect.

Villa eh? Never knew one of those. A Villa fan I mean. You broke the Evertonians hearts yesterday, haha.

 

[Nicnac]

It was a fab moment in our house! We'd just bought a new TV for our Xmas present to each other and had the whole thing in full 42" technicolour glory! Poor OH's face when Lescott scored the second one was soon turned around when Our Ash ran straight down and scored past the keeper with only 12 seconds to go!!!!! I think we really upset our downstairs neighbours with all the whooping and bouncing about.

Sending lots of PMA and for your own Baby Elvis!!! (Soccer AM fan too!!)

 

[CurlySue]

Poor Lescott. Felt bad for him but laughed as my brother was just yelling and moaning and it kind of made me feel happy, in a way, made me grin. Had family get together yesterday which was rather tragic (cue auntie asking, not pregnant yet?) so that, at least, made things brighter!!!! Barca the night before made stuff bright too (my Spanish team - perfect, they are. Perfect! Playing Pretty Boy's team though and battered them so had to feel bad for the moody little sexpot!)

PMA to you too. I only wish I could actually achieve some. I never feel positive. Feel less alone now though so thank you.