feel so selfish but ive had enough now

[Lexi mummy]

Hi

i probably sound like such a selfish cow but i really have had enough of being pregnant. i can cope with the heartburn, the back aches, pains in the pelvis, lack of breath and anything what i cant cope with is the stress.

i want my innocence back nothing is exciting about pregnancy anymore and i am just not coping. i know if all goes well i will have a beautiful baby daughter at the end of this but do you know what? i cant see it.

i am trying hard to get let our flat out to BIL and find a house for us to live in but thats proving impossible. im trying to get us all sorted before she arrives but everything keeps going bloody wrong which to me is a sign that things are going to go wrong. i again cant imagine this bbay being born alive it seems like another lifetime to me to be able to think it will ever happen.

last night she was barely moving and her movements have changed probably because she is cramped now but i cant cope with it. i sat there for ages very calmly trying sugary food, icey water, laying on the left laying on the right then laying on my back but no she wouldnt bloody move she is so stubborn she wouldnt move so i had to get the doppler out twice in the space of about 3 hours. i just lost it last night and went off on one to dh i told him i just cant cope with this anymore. i cant beleive i have another 7 weeks of stress and being scared, how am i going to get through this?

when i went off on one i said i am fed up of worrying everyday if the baby in my tummy is dead or alive, im fed up of worrying about movings i just want to be normal again i cant cope with this level of stress every day thinking is today the day she will die.

my placenta stopped working with lexi and so far this placenta seems good but now i have had a stillborn baby i know pretty much EVERYTHING that can go wrong, so now i keep thinking this baby will be stillborn for no known reason, or this baby will die in labour from a cord accident or swallowing her own poo. basically i think she is going to die one way or the other and i cant help it.

i know i sound selfish but i am worried to voice these concerns to anyone else especially any health professionals. to them i look very calm and cool about everything but if i show any signs of weakness they may think i wont cope if she is born alive and i dont want people sticking their bloody noses in nd thinking im not fit to be a mother becasue they dont seem to understand the stress and sadness you feel when your child dies.

i feel like a bad person but i just feel like every day this baby is in my tummy i am feeling stressed and not coping plus i feel like i am pushing my luck big time and i am asking for something to go wrong.

can somebody put me to sleep until the 23rd april please

 

[maybebaby3]

u r not selfish or a bad person. don't EVER say that. i have had 2 m/c but i cannot begin 2 feel how u must have felt losing lexi. it is perfectly normal 2 feel fed up at this stage of pregnancy, not 2 mention being worried about your baby after what u went through. try 2 rest as much as possible and see if u can pamper yourself a bit b4 baby comes

 

[Jellyt]

As maybebaby3 said, you are not selfish! After everything you've been through it's normal to feel like this. I lost my baby well before you did and I know how much of a state I still get myself into so I can't imagine how you feel. I panic if she's not moving all of the time and every time I wake up in the night I panic that something is wrong. I'm fed up too and I hate wishing away time but I do wish it would hurry itself up so she's here and I know she's okay. I'm sorry you're finding it so difficult and you always have everyone here to vent your worries to xxx

 

[Lexi mummy]

thank you ladies

i am feeling a litte better and have a little more PMA this afternoon been feeling so more movements which is good xx

 

[Bingo]

I'm so sorry you have suffered so much with loosing a little one so late into your pregnancy. It's not a wonder you are feeling so stressed and negative this time around. It's completely natural that you should feel the way you are feeling. Try to remember that every pregnancy is different and that this little girl is going to be just fine. In two months time you will have a healthy little girl to take care of (and lots of sleepless nights!).

It's always a great help to share and vent here so anytime you're feeling like everything is getting on top of you, come in here and get it off your chest.

I hope the next few weeks go really quickly for you and look forward to hearing your birth story (if you choose to share it of course) and all about what it's like to be a new mum.

Edited to add that there's nothing selfish about the way you're feeling!

 

[Jkelmum]

After loosing my baby I have gone on to have 3 pregnancys ending in a heatlthy baby but each time I still feel just like you do now , i wish i could say something to make it better but I cant ...all i can say is try relax speak with your mw about how your feeling explain how scared you are they will understand

 

[Boudica]

I can't know how you feel, but I have similar feelings of doom that I am desperate to yet loathe to voice out loud.

I had 2 losses in the year before I conceived with this one (I am 28 weeks). I am 43 years old. I am a bundle of nerves. Last chance blah blah blah. Any slight reduction in movement spells disaster etc. Sometimes I have difficulty believing the positive results of the tests I have.

And then I have intense feelings of guilt for thinking this way, as though by thinking the worst I am inviting the worst to happen.

You're not selfish - you are normal.

Glad little one is moving a bit more today xx

 

[Hoolie]

I don't think you're selfish at all. You have gone through the hardest thing anyone can, losing a child. It's understandable that things are going to be very difficult for you and I can't see anything selfish in that at all.

Add to that being heavily pregnant and trying to move house, it's no wonder you're feeling it.

Im glad Lacey is moving a bit more and you're feeling a little better this afternoon. Hope tomorrow is even better for you.

Alex

 

[millwallrose4]

Please do not think you are selfish for feeling like this. More than anything you know just how easily things can go wrong and are probably dealing with the constant worry that it could happen again. I struggle sometimes to see the positive and I have only had early miscarriages so I can't even begin to imagine how worried and upset you must be. I'm glad she's started moving more for you, and hopefully she won't give you any more scares. I hope the next few weeks pass quickly for you.

 

[jess_smurf]

i think i hold my breath from one kick to the next.

 

[Carmello_01]

You're not selfish, you are amazing.
I have no words other than sending lots and lots of love and strength,Lexi must be looking down on you and Lacey with such pride. Please don't feel bad for having down days...

 

[Drazic<3]

Oh darling,

All I can do is echo what the other girls have said. You can't be strong all the time, especially when you got a stubborn little princess growing in there!

We are here when you need to let out, but so are your healthcare providers, that is what they are there for. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need to.

With love

 

[natasja32]

Hey hunny....you have described just how im feeling at the moment. And im not even 28 weeks yet. Im in constant pain so i cant sit,sleep or walk. I have nightmares about losing this little man too. Im not enjoying being pregnant at all. Im wishing the time away,just so that i can hold my healthy baby in my arms. My pregnancy with Bodhi was perfect with no problems. I had a scan week before we lost him and all was well. The day he died he was still kicking my tummy 5 mins before it all went wrong. Im just a complete mess and a total wreck. And to make matters worse i have the worst mw and care with this pregnancy ever. They seem to blame everything on some bug or virus. You havent got long now and i hope it all flys by for you and you will have your beautifull little girl in your arms soon. Sorry i didnt mea to ramble on about how crappy i was feeling,i just wanted you to know that you are not alone and i feel the same. Thinking of you.

 

[Jox]

i can only imagine what you are going thru and I wish it was different...for all of us.

Lacey will be here alive, I know she will.

I think because our only experience is to give birth to a baby thats already asleep then that kinda feels 'the norm' if that makes sense, thats how i feel in my head at the mo.

Just continue day by day and I promise you will get to 23rd april and lacey will be in your arms screaming her little head off!!!

(I know how easy it is to say these words and i will try and refer back to them in 23 weeks when im feeling the same - its normal)

Speak to someone, it is only natural to worry after losing Lexi and they wont think your crazy x

 

[im_mi]

you know what? i think you are coping really well. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard pregnancy must be after going through the horror of a stillbirth. i mean, at the stage you're at now, its normal for anyone to feel fed up, scared, hormonal, let alone having to deal with the constant fear of losing your baby. For you the fear is real, you can taste it.

I think right now you have to do whatever it takes to get you through these last few weeks. whatever it takes to make it fly by. you will have a screaming baby in your arms soon. you will.

 

[dakron67]

hi, just thought id say good luck to lexi mummy, n all you other girls, your not selfish, like the other girls have said your normal, any pregnancy can drive the saneist of women mad, although i class you n everyone else lucky, im 43, dh is 42 n i have just suffered my 4th m/c, i would do anything to get to 7 or 8mths, n yes i would proberly worry myself silly, but please girls try to stay possitive, love to u all... donna xxx

 

[Jox]

dakron67...im sorry for your losses but please dont count us ladies as 'lucky'. I got to 8 months pregnant to find my baby had died in my tummy, I them had to give birth to him and bury him!! I certainly dont feel lucky and i know Lexi mummy doesnt either.

just because we were able to carry a baby till 8 months doesnt make us lucky. it makes the loss a millions times worse.

I pray you get your baby soon and again im sorry for your losses.

 

[Jox]

dakron67....just thought...maybe you hadnt noticed that lexi mummy lost her little girl at 7/8 months pregnant..it wasnt a MC. Sorry if it seems im going on abit but just shocked that you think Lexi mummy is lucky!!!

 

[Lexi mummy]

i have to say i second everything jo has said. losing a child that late in pregnancy is just horrific and i will NEVER get over it. do you think i am lucky becasue i have never suffered a m/c?? i dont think i am lucky at all! you can ask any lady who has suffered a stillbirth and most will say they would of prefered to have lost that child early on for their childs sake instead of 7 or 8 months into the pregnancy. my daughter suffered she was starved of oxygen and food for weeks and she would of felt that. she had no waters around her when she was born as she had drank them all and then held on to her pee to preserve energy her stomach was black and blown up like a baloon when she was born. that was one of the most heartbreaking things i have ever been told!!

my birth was silent and everyone was crying in the room after she had been born and i was desperate for her to breath but she was bruised and battered from the labour and within about 5 hours of her being born i was cleaning blood away from her eye because her eyelid has started to bleed. i just cant even begin to think how that is lucky because i carried until i was 8 months pregnant. or how i left the hospital out the same door as all the women who were carrying their babies out in their car seats were leaving and i had a bloody box of memories of my daughter who had died, a box! i even had to put up with the consultant saying he was going to put a blanket over my beautiful daughter so he didnt uspet anyone in the corridor.

you really have no idea im afraid. im sorry if people think i am being harsh but i have enough people in my life who think that losing lexi was nothing and that i should be over it, nobody had a clue what pain us mums have gone through unless they go through the same.

sorry if my post upset anyone but trust me its nothing compared to the hurt and pain i feel every day that my daughter is dead!

thank you to all the other ladies who have been so supportive on this thread. most of the ladies havent had a late loss but still get why i am feeling the way i do so thank you xx

 

[Jox]

Kasper's eyes also bled

xxx