Feelin like a failure

[Jadie]

I'm still dwelling on my labour and birth. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain of my contractions that were between 3-5 mins apart at only 1-2cm dilated. I was in agony and couldn't cope so we went to hospital. I feel like this affected my labour. Possibly lengthening it. I had gas and air and a pethadine injection, still in agony and I got an epidural which I feel also slowed labour. My epidural didn't even work properly, incomplete block. I was given pitocin which made contractions and pain worse. Started pushing for an hour before being examined to find not fully dilated and given diagnosis of cpd. I don't know how true that is. Could I have given birth vaginally had I not had the epidural? We're my contractions really that bad? Was I just being stupid?

I feel so guilty that I put baby at risk just so I was pain free. He was very affected by the drugs when he was born and I feel so guilty, I'm really struggling thinking about this right now!

 

[AshLMT]

First off, congrats! You should be proud of yourself for giving birth to a beautiful baby! Secondly, while I don't know what cpd is, I had back labor the entire time that I was in labor and I tried and tried to go without any type of pain relief and I made it through over 24 hours of labor without it but I finally had to take both a version of Demerol (which they would only give to me at a certain time because it's a narcotic and does effect the baby) and also an epidural just so I could be able to be comfortable because I couldn't sit, stand or lay down without being so incredibly uncomfortable. Sometimes you just do what you have to do to be comfortable. There's no shame in wanting pain relief and there's no lasting effects for your baby. Chin up, hunni, you did great just getting your baby here!

 

[Jadie]

Cephalopelvic disproportion it means pelvis is too small to deliver baby. I've read lots of articles about it and mostly it's implied rather than actually diagnosed based on 100% fact. Thank you for your kind response, I appreciate the support thank you.

 

[mercedybear]

I had 2 days with painfull contractions and only 2 cm dilated ( they injected me with morphine and sent me home still in pain both days) on the 3rd day they broke my water and gave me an epidural, I still didnt progress after given picotin and it took me all day to get to 9 cm only to find out there was "something" on the left side of my cervix stopping the dilation?...ended up having an emergency c section. Its not what I planned and was the most painful/traumatic experience I have been through......now my milk hasnt come in 12 days pp....just thought I would share that your feeling is not alone

 

[Jadie]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through a painful experience also! Have you seen a lactation consultant about your milk not coming in yet?

 

[MiniBump]

I know exactly how you feel! My waters broke and contractions started straight away between 1 and 5 minutes apart. I went to 8cm in 4 hours at home with a TENS machine and then to hospital where everything slowed down. I had gas and air and, eventually, pethidine before pushing for 2 hours with no progress (I didn't have an epidural as I was too far along). After 13 hours of intense labour and 21 hours without food Drs wanted to hook me up to syntocinon but didn't offer an epidural (although my notes state they did!) and I was so weak and exhausted I refused and asked for a c-section which they agreed to (after trial of forceps for which she was too high). I was worried as baby's head was swelling and I just wanted her out safely so the c-section came as a relief. It was a few days later that I started to feel bad when baby was drowsy, struggled to feed and had jaundice. I also hated the way my body looked and still don't like it now!

A year on and I still sometimes question my decision and whether I tried hard enough (did I push too early/properly?) because there was no apparent reason for the lack of progress. However, I'm slowly coming to terms with it and understand that I believed it was the best thing to do at the time. It's hard to remember just how tired I was but I can't imagine I gave up easily and my husband backs me up on this. I also tell myself that anything could've happened after the drip went in and it could've been a lot worse (tearing, baby in distress, etc.).

I've gone through phases of hating myself and my hubby (for not making me try harder, like I would've listened!) but I think about it less and less lately so hopefully I'm coming out the other side.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you worked damn hard and did everything you could AT THE TIME. Hindsight, especially when you're not tired, emotional and in agony, is a wonderful thing! I hope you start to forgive yourself soon but give it time.

 

[SparkleUK]

You have all done amazing by the sounds of it! Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
At the time when you all made your decisions regarding c sections and epidurals, you are in pain, the WORST pain, and you are thinking only for your baby. If a c section or epidural got your baby out healthy and safe then you made the correct decision!
You don't know what might have happened had you NOT made the decision you did.

 

[mercedybear]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through a painful experience also! Have you seen a lactation consultant about your milk not coming in yet?

its currently hard for me to even get to a consultant......I am now getting some milk but baby wont latch. I guess I will have to pump and perhaps try the "nipple covers" as she is used to bottle now.

 

[Jadie]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through a painful experience also! Have you seen a lactation consultant about your milk not coming in yet?

its currently hard for me to even get to a consultant......I am now getting some milk but baby wont latch. I guess I will have to pump and perhaps try the "nipple covers" as she is used to bottle now.

Keep trying, you sound like you're strong you can do it!

Thanks ladies for your support and sharing your stories. I'm slowly getting there. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow I'm looking forward to talking about it and working through it

 

[mercedybear]

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through a painful experience also! Have you seen a lactation consultant about your milk not coming in yet?

its currently hard for me to even get to a consultant......I am now getting some milk but baby wont latch. I guess I will have to pump and perhaps try the "nipple covers" as she is used to bottle now.

Keep trying, you sound like you're strong you can do it!

Thanks ladies for your support and sharing your stories. I'm slowly getting there. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow I'm looking forward to talking about it and working through it

good luck with the counselling and I hope you recover emotionally soon

 

[Jadie]

Thank you.

 

[Duejan2012]

aww hun you deff did not fail. Your lo i here happy and healthy that mean you did NOT fail!!! I saw in your sig that your lo was almost 11lbs. Now i know that some women can deliver naturally a baby that big but its true most of us cant. Please dont feel like a failure. Labor is unpredictable and there is no wrong in wanting pain relief.

For me i had 7 failed attemps at the epideral so was forced to go natural( witch in a way i was happy about) but it wasnt my plan. If i was to have a csection i would have had to be put to sleep for it.

 

[Jadie]

Thank you for your help. I'm slowly being gentler on myself about what happened. My counselling is helping also