Feeling a bit down tonight

[katy1310]

Hello

I met up with a schoolfriend today who has recently had a fullterm baby...I'm really happy for her, but I'm finding myself struggling a little bit tonight after hearing about her pregnancy and birth etc and seeing the LO at that age, at home with his parents....

She was really lovely and understanding about everything we went through, completely sensitive and she did/said nothing at all wrong - I had a lovely afternoon with her but since I've come home, I've just been thinking about how I feel as if I missed out on so much with Sophie. Also by the time Sophie was that size - which is still pretty small as babies go (he's in 0-3 clothes), she had long lost the newborn snuggly look and was so much older and alert looking - well she was 7 months by that time

I'm also wishing I'd persevered longer with the breastfeeding - I kept going as long as I could but wish I had been brave enough to do it longer, but at the time I was just really worried that Sophie wasn't getting enough milk, because she was so tiny. That was half the reason for me not keeping going, the other half was constant visitors One thing that really bothers me to this day is that half the reason I didn't BF as long as I had wanted to was the constant visitors we had when Sophie was first home, and people wanting us to visit them. Of course that tailed off and I could have had all the time in the world to feed after a few weeks! I would definitely do that differently if we were to have another baby.

And I think the last thing on my mind is that I would love love love another baby one day, but I just don't know if I will dare risk it again. Just seeing my friend in that whole new mummy with a new baby phase made me wish so much that we could do it again. I feel as if i blocked out so much of Sophie's first few months - I can barely remember anything much before Christmas last year, which is when I was diagnosed with PND and PTSD - I do have memories but they're fuzzy and I remember feeling a lot of the time like I couldn't be bothered with things when Sophie was first home.

I think I just feel sad that I might not be able to do it all again and put right some of the things I wish I could change. I know not all of it can be changed, but some things I could do differently.

Sorry for this long ramble - I'm not really expecting any replies but I just wanted to try to get it out of my head before I try to sleep! I might talk to DH tomorrow about how I'm feeling.

I hope this makes sense, if anyone has got this far! I think I need a hug

 

[Mammatotwo]

You have been through so much and have had such a long hard journey on the path that many take for granted. It is only natural to be feeling this way. Good idea to talk to DH about it all and maybe TTC again.

 

[stepmum]

Massive hun

Talking really helps :thumb up: You've been through a lot and not everyone can relate to that unless they've been through it.

 

[toothfairyx]

Hey hun, I think all of us here will identify with a lot you have said there, on the one hand you don't want to deny others from having the experience the way it should be free from the dramas and stress of a prem.
Having chatted with you a little already, I think you would like to have another baby but are scared and that' s totally understandable.
I did find having a second baby sorted my head out somewhat from what I felt after having the first and let me move on. And this time I don't feel cheated out of a "normal" pregnancy and birth as whilst I was hoping for the best (and given only a 10-15% chance of another premature labour) I was better mentally prepared for things going the same way as before and can easier accept that this is how it has to be for us if that makes sense?
I'm at home (of sorts!) now so might catch up with you on fb xxx

 

[sweetpea8]

hugs xxx

 

[25weeker]

I think we all feel like this from time to time.

Why don't you ask your doctor for a referral to an Obstetrician to discuss what happened in this pregnancy and what they would do for you if you got pregnant again. It might help make your decision.

Hope your feeling better this morning.

 

[PleaseBaby]

Amelia was only 4lb when she came home but in no way looked like a newborn. I also feel like I missed out. x