Feeling Hurt By Mother's Reaction - Part II

[Braven05]

I wish I had some advice for you. She's put you in a tough position, but even still...she's not in charge of your life. You're an adult...and she doesn't control you and you shouldn't let her bully you and your OH into something you're not ready for, just because she thinks its inappropriate to have a baby with someone you're not married to. Its old fashioned thinking and whether she thinks you're being selfish or not, she's being just as selfish. The two of you just have to agree to disagree on the matter. As for your father...don't know what to tell you there. Its not like she can hide it forever from him. Maybe you need to go out to lunch with just him, or make a visit to their home when your mom isn't there and chat with him in person about it. Your mother sounds like she's being a bit manipulative. She doesn't know what he can or can't "handle" - its not like you're telling him you're dying...you're telling him you're bringing a beautiful little life into the world. Good luck hun...so sorry you don't have the support you deserve.

 

[BlackBerry25]

I agree that your dad will probably not act that way, and even if he does feel it, men usually keep their mouths SHUT unlike women. I bet your mom won't bring it up again either. She sounds a bit old school like some people in my family, and anyone that ever said it to me, never said it more than once. I know it still hurts though coming from your mom of all people.

 

[BlackBerry25]

Argh, I just read further and see that she did bring it up again!

Is she very confrontational usually? I would just tell her to stop it, as its hurtful and not productive AT ALL. Who gets married just because their mom says so??

 

[Jo20072007]

Big hug! That's horrible that she is making you feel like this, why can't she be pleased that she will have another grandchild? Despite what she says I bet your dad will be happy x

 

[Lesli45]

Thank you for your replies. I don't understand where this is coming from at all. I know she's old school but never expected this reaction. She can be confrontational at times (she definitely doesn't hold back on her opinions) but I push back pretty hard normally also. I let her know when I feel she's crossing the line. My brother is getting married in a month and a half and he's noticed she's changed quite a bit lately...maybe it's the stress of my dad's mindset taking it's toll, who knows? Anyways, regardless it's not going to make us get married just for that reason. I think the next time she brings it up I'll just tell her to keep her opinions to herself...and leave it at that.

 

[BlackBerry25]

It is a strange reaction. I am sorry you are having to deal with it

 

[TwilightAgain]

Well if your Dad is smitten with your daughter, why does your Mum think he will be embarrassed by this baby

 

[Lesli45]

I have no clue. She seems to think that in his current mindset that he won't be able to handle it. I think it's just that "she's" embarrassed and worried about how this makes our family look and as a result is throwing out the manipulative tactics.

 

[NOMORENUMBERS]

I would honestly go round there one day and just sit down quietly with your dad and say dad we are having another baby, if he asks are you going to get married, say we will be in the future but we have to save the money first which will take a couple of years, also just say that you feel like you want your daughter to get used to one change at a time. although i dont know how long you and your oh have been together, even if it has been years she might feel a bit overwhelmed with a wedding and a baby and the potential question of will i have to change my name etc etc, theres loads of reasons you could use for why not now which are completely valid - which can put some reasonable time and excuse for no wedding now. especially if they care about your daughter they wouldnt want to be the cause of upsetting her.

at this rate your dad will walk in on you and your mum arguing and then he WILL be shocked about it and potentially hurt about how he found out.

you know what, can i throw another explanation out there, sorry i have baby brain your oh isnt your daughters father is he? if thats right then i wouldnt mind betting that she doesnt want you to "end up" having your relationship with oh not work out and then himi leave you with another baby like the first one did you know? i know it makes no sense but some people think that if you get married that people who want to leave dont because it is harder if you are married as opposed to when you are not. if thats the reason that is actually quite insulting to your oh! sorry if i am rambling or totally off the mark

i agree with the other ladies, she is bang out of order on this and pulling out the dementia card is a real low blow! how would she feel if she forced you two to get married and because it was forced on you it would be a bone of contention through out the marriage and because she is the catalyst for those feelings she then found herself frozen out?


im rambling! lol

 

[Lesli45]

Thanks so much nomorenumbers, you're not rambling at all You make total sense and I'm sure that my mom worries that it's not going to work out and I'll end up a single mom with two kids from different dads. I've told her we're committed (wouldn't have gotten pregnant if we weren't) but you're right, I'm sure she's still concerned about it not working out. I'm hugely stubborn so although I hate this conflict I won't give in simply to appease her. I think I will try to get my dad alone though one day soon and tell him what's going on gently...she may be angry but I know my boyfriend has told my dad a number of times that he looks forward to building a future with me. Maybe he will look at it differently.

 

[NOMORENUMBERS]

she is just panicking, i would say: you know mum i know why you want me to be married, you dont want oh leaving me but a piece of paper doesnt hold a relationship together, people do. we will get married one day but forcing it on us is going to cause friction between us as a couple and between us and you, a wedding and marriage is supposed to be a happy occassion not something that you are pushing on me. i want to get married. oh wants to get married. we will get married. but when we say not you. i appreciate you do alot for me but that doesnt mean you get to decide something so important. . . . .

what does she actually think she is going to acheive from behaving like this! it certainly isnt going to be a wedding! and lets face it i would be worried that when you do decide to get married in a few months/years she wont be able to help herself and say humpf about time too! oh i hate it when people spoil what is supposed to be a happy time

you know what when i got pregnant with our first dh was going to propose to me in paris, then changed his mind - then told me! thanks lol and the reason he changed his mind was because he didnt want people to think that the only reason he was doing it was because i was pregnant lol

 

[SeaThreePeeO]

Mothers are strange creatures indeed. I'm married and my mother was still horrified that I'm expecting our 3rd. I guess it just makes her realise that she's not getting any younger.

Anyway (((((hugs)))))

 

[loveylove]

Omg I could have written this myself. The first thong my mother aske was 'are you going to get married' and 'don't worry I wont tell your grandmother'. I too am of an age that isn't considered young (25), I own a house and work full time as a nurse. Now please someone explain to me' how marriage would make any difference?

Then.. Telling my grandmother she said 'are you saying this to upset me' and 'how many other people know about this stupid mistake'. I told her it was planned and let's just say the shit hit the fan.

People suck!

 

[SeaThreePeeO]

((((loveylove)))) That's horrible