Feeling Hurt By Mother's Reaction - Part II

[Lesli45]

So just to start off I am 9 weeks pregnant but have told hardly anyone (except for a few people at my part time work since I was cutting back on my hours). My mom and I are close but I decided to wait to tell her since my brother's wedding is coming up and I didn't want to take any focus off that (not that it would but you never know). Anyways, last night I was talking to my mom and she brought up she noticed that I've gained weight and asked if there is a reason why. I told her I was pregnant and she didn't seem upset but asked right away what our "marriage" plans were. I told her that we were committed but that a wedding was not in the near future. She said straight away that we would keep this from my dad for a bit. Her words were that he has been through a lot lately with having a cold and that he is very traditional and that this would upset him. She then went on to say that in our family (and our small town where they still reside) that everyone gets married first and that he would be embarrassed about this. Gee, thanks ma.

I'm pissed ...I'm 37 yrs old...a grown adult...I'm a loyal and hard worker, I work full time and part time, have never asked them for money. I own my own house. I have a beautiful almost 4 year old happy daughter who is the light of my life (and the light of theirs). I have a boyfriend whom I love and know I want to spend a future with. I am happy in life and love who I am. Now I feel like the black sheep of the family. I'm really ticked that she would say that to me... Great to feel like I'm an embarrassment...

I know I'll get over this and I really don't care what other people think of me in the grand scheme of things, but at the moment I'm really hurt and annoyed with my mom. Has anyone else had this happen? Now I'm afraid to tell my dad since I don't want him to freak out or have a heart attack or something.... They love their grandaughter SO much, I would think they'd be thrilled to have another grandchild....

 

[KatieMRi]

I bet your dad doesn't react how your mum expects him to x

 

[kizzyt]

oh Lesli hun, you poor thing, what an upsetting reaction. It might just be shock on her part and I am sure she didnt mean to hurt you. it's sad when people allow the prejudice's of other's to cloud their judgement but I am sure your mum will be over the moon (and your dad too) when they get their head around it. I think in an ideal world all parents would like their kids (especially daughters) to be married before kids, and maybe we'll think the same of ours or maybe because we're from a generation that doesnt necessarily do it in that order we wont be so fussed. when I was pregnant last time (when I m/c) my mum offered to pay for me and OH to get married, we're just not bothered at the moment (well I'd love to but a baby is more of a priority because I am 35) but its obviously something that they see as the "normal" way of doing things.

If your mum and dad adore your daughter already then they will adore the new baby, of course they will and I am sure she didnt mean to upset you. I bet your dad's delighted when he finds out xx

 

[kazb25]

So just to start off I am 9 weeks pregnant but have told hardly anyone (except for a few people at my part time work since I was cutting back on my hours). My mom and I are close but I decided to wait to tell her since my brother's wedding is coming up and I didn't want to take any focus off that (not that it would but you never know). Anyways, last night I was talking to my mom and she brought up she noticed that I've gained weight and asked if there is a reason why. I told her I was pregnant and she didn't seem upset but asked right away what our "marriage" plans were. I told her that we were committed but that a wedding was not in the near future. She said straight away that we would keep this from my dad for a bit. Her words were that he has been through a lot lately with having a cold and that he is very traditional and that this would upset him. She then went on to say that in our family (and our small town where they still reside) that everyone gets married first and that he would be embarrassed about this. Gee, thanks ma.

I'm pissed ...I'm 37 yrs old...a grown adult...I'm a loyal and hard worker, I work full time and part time, have never asked them for money. I own my own house. I have a beautiful almost 4 year old happy daughter who is the light of my life (and the light of theirs). I have a boyfriend whom I love and know I want to spend a future with. I am happy in life and love who I am. Now I feel like the black sheep of the family. I'm really ticked that she would say that to me... Great to feel like I'm an embarrassment...

I know I'll get over this and I really don't care what other people think of me in the grand scheme of things, but at the moment I'm really hurt and annoyed with my mom. Has anyone else had this happen? Now I'm afraid to tell my dad since I don't want him to freak out or have a heart attack or something.... They love their grandaughter SO much, I would think they'd be thrilled to have another grandchild....

ok first off, dont hide it, just refuse, tell her that u are not happy keeping it a secret as if its dirty and say to her that u both need to think about telling him the truth !!! Do not allow your parents to force u into a lie just because she says so and he will react. Your 37 for f*ck sake, i hate it when ppl control others because of what OTHER ppl will think, (strangers), its ridiculous way to live dont conform to it, stand up to your parents and be the strong pregnant mother u alredy are !!!

 

[Lesli45]

Thanks everyone for your replies! My dad is smitten with my daughter so I'm also hoping that his reaction will be different.

And you're right Kazb25, I think I should stand up to my mom. She is a good loving person but a bit of a control freak. Very into church so maybe this will be embarrassing for her too. Her and my dad get way too caught up in what others think and should just be happy that their daughter is happy and that they are going to be grandparents for a 2nd time. I'll let it sink in for a bit then try to talk with her about it soon.

Thanks again for the advice all.

 

[Braven05]

I agree. Its not like you're 18, unmarried, and pregnant for the first time (not that I'm judging that situation, but you're a grown woman). Its silly. Small town or not, you ARE a grown woman. My OH and I are not married. He's still waiting on his divorce from his ex to go through (they've been separated for 6 years) and he's not going to jump right into marriage the second it goes. We will be engaged and married eventually, but like someone else said, baby is priorirty, I'm not getting any younger and we were ready to start a family (or grow it, as OH has 2 daughters).

Don't let your mother make you feel bad. Maybe tell her that even if she's embarassed by your being pregnant, this baby is very much wanted and loved and you would hate it if one day the child found out that its grandparents weren't happy about it. My mother wasn't thrilled we decided to TTC and she told me when we were still in that stage that she wasn't happy...but she got over it and she's happy for me now because she knows how much I want this baby. My mother can't complain much though anyways, her and my father weren't married yet when they had my oldest brother lol

 

[Jollybean]

Does she know she's shat on ur parade?
I'm really sorry she's put a downer on such an exciting time for u but try not to let it affect ur mood. She'll come round, and I'm sure ur Dad won't cut his nose off to spite his face.

I have to admit, i felt similar when we broke to news to the in-laws. We didn't know, but his mum was suffering from depression at the time, and her ongoing response was really hurtful. She couldn't crack a smile, and when i asked how she was doing, out of context of baby she said "I don't feel anything. I just can't see the good in anything".
Later, his parents admitted that although we are married, both in full time work, and have always dreamed of having a family, that they thought we'd have a house of our own before we had a baby. So because ur not married, and we are renting, that means we will be bad parents??!

Hopefully your Mum will realise and apologise for upsetting u. My mother in law has completely changed her tune (just a couple of weeks later) and is now as excited as everyone else for us.

 

[kazb25]

Thanks everyone for your replies! My dad is smitten with my daughter so I'm also hoping that his reaction will be different.

And you're right Kazb25, I think I should stand up to my mom. She is a good loving person but a bit of a control freak. Very into church so maybe this will be embarrassing for her too. Her and my dad get way too caught up in what others think and should just be happy that their daughter is happy and that they are going to be grandparents for a 2nd time. I'll let it sink in for a bit then try to talk with her about it soon.

Thanks again for the advice all.

yep i just think that at the end of the day (and all good things start at the end of the day), at the end of the day, in REALITY having a happy and healthy family is all that really matters, the neighbours are ppl we live next door to, and thats it.

 

[allaboard]

Maybe you could take matters into your own hand and show them, you and your boyfriend together, that you are both happy and announce the news to your parents together. Maybe warn your Mum you're going to do it.

I can sympathise with your situation - some fathers want marriage for their girls, for stability, as archaic as it seems. Especially if you have been a single Mum - they worry for you and don't want you to go through the same. My Mum told my Dad when I was 3 months pregnant, he was a real cold fish but helped by the fact i didnt live there, but by the time i was heavily pregnant, he had a nickname for the bump, and my son quite simply is the love of his life now. This time I'm determined my boyfriend and I will announce it the right way in a couple of months, and if my dad takes it badly, so be it.

I think you need to make the decision as to when and how you tell your parents, rather than allowing your mum to lead it, and make sure your father especially gets the message that you are a solid and committed couple. And be prepared for it not being the reaction you want.

 

[Kittee]

I'd say that since you already have a child that the horse is long gone out of the gate on "marriage before baby" on this one. LOL

Your mom needs a reality check.

So sorry she upset you.

 

[Lesli45]

Wow thanks so much everyone. I feel much better after all your supportive words.

You hit it on the nose, Braven05, Baby is priority. I'm 37 yrs old and while I still have lots of time, I don't want to have kids too far past this age. I love my boyfriend immensely and feel that marriage will happen in time but don't like to feel as if we should be pressured into it merely to appease the masses.

Jollybean - I find it so funny how people's outlooks can be. It's funny that parents/in-laws can think that such small things are important. Who cares if you have a house or not? As long as you feel secure and happy then that's all that matters.

 

[Mama627]

I have to agree with another poster who mentioned that your mother missed the boat on the marriage before babies thing since you've already got another daughter.

I can sympathize with you to some degree, my mother would have been VERY upset if I had gotten pregnant before I was married, despite the fact that my oldest brother was born before my parents got married.

 

[BlaireUK]

I'm so sorry your Mum reacted like she did. Reading between the lines i'd say her issues are more to do with her own feelings and she's maybe using your Dad as an excuse. Don't hide the fact that you are disappointed with her reaction. She should be over the moon that her daughter is having her second child and embarrased she reacted the way she did. Her traditional outlook (and prejudices) are for her to deal with not you.

 

[LadyHutch]

That sucks Lesli...fortunately i am close enough to my mom to tell her to stick a cork in it. Which I would. In a heartbeat. Want me to call your mom for ya? ;-)

I had my first baby at 15 and learned quick then that I am on my own. I'm a big fan of telling people to shove it ;-) When you are 20 years old at a PTA meeting and have an entire community of "Moms" looking at you like an alien, protecting yourself and your kid becomes not just necessary but enjoyable ;-)

She'll come around. In the meantime, chalk it up to ignorant stupidity and enjoy your pregnancy with or without her.

 

[Lesli45]

You girls rock! My mood continues to lighten the more I read. Thanks so much. You have brightened my day considerably!

And yes, LadyHutch, maybe I'll take you up on your offer lol Kidding aside, I am normally VERY verbal with my mother and usually don't think twice about telling her my opinions on things. Believe me, we have had some very heated moments. I think this all just really threw me for a loop since I wasn't expecting her reaction to be that way on something I'm so happy and thrilled about. Or that she would be almost acting ashamed and embarrassed about it all. But as it's been stated, it's her problem and not mine. She's going to have to live with it and it's up to her whether she wants to enjoy this or not.

 

[Newmommy2011]

I just went through this 2 days ago :/ I told my mom and the first thing she started about was when are we getting married. My bf had a good point and told her my health and keeping a low stress level is more important than us coordinating a wedding while I'm pregnant.... Were in a committed relationship. We will get married at some point, but right now is not the time.... Well my mom wanted us to tell my dad yesterday and retell her ( my dad always feels like he's the last to know everything which he is, so we pretended like she didn't know) my dad also brought up marriage right off the bat. My parents are southern baptist and very old fashioned!! They also live in a small town where I grew up so everyone will know we aren't married (oh well) I wouldn't hide it if I were you. My dad didn't say too much to us except trying to figure out what our plan is. It takes time for it to sink in. I talked to my mom this morning and now they aren't as worried about the marriage thing and just want me to have a healthy stressfree(as close as you can get to stress free anyways) pregnancy. This is their first grandchild, and I know they'll be excited after the shock of everything is over....

 

[hersweetleaf]

i know what you mean with the mothers reaction. im having problems with my mother in law. shes so focused on her daughters wedding, she barely talks to us and when we called yesterday after the scan, she didnt talk much. too focused on the wedding. so i kinda feel a little dissapointed, but whatever. shes not exactly the best person, kind of crazy and 2faced.

 

[Lesli45]

I'm happy your parents have started to come around NewMommy2011. My mom is a very giving and Christian-minded type of person (drives her nuts that I don't go to church lol) and so I'm hoping she'll realize what she said was quite hurtful and perhaps come around. I have to say I'm so perplexed by her reaction....she is a HUGE part of her grandaughter's life and both of my parents are so awesome with my daughter. I would think they'd be thrilled. Oh well...

Well, I guess once the wedding is over, she'll focus on the baby, hersweetleaf. It's unfortunate she's acting like that in the meantime. What is it with mothers and mother-in-law's? Sheesh, I thought as pregnant women we were supposed to be the ones with raging hormones and emotional highs/lows. Apparently, it also applies to moms and mother-in-laws according to many of these posts lol.

 

[Newmommy2011]

She will!!!! Once everything sinks in I think she will be very thankful! being a Christian she should realize this life is a gift from god and she is blessed to be a part of her grandchildrens lives!! everything will workout great! Just takes time for the shock to sink in if my parents came around, I know yours will!!!!

 

[Lesli45]

So...my mom came to visit today and while my dad was outside we continued our conversation about being pregnant, this time in person. One of the first things out of her mouth was....so have you thought any more about your plans? What plans, i asked? Wedding plans. Again...guess she didn't get it the first time around. So I told her that our plans hadn't changed and that we weren't going to get married just because she holds a traditional view and wants us to. I told her that we are committed and we will in time but will not before the wedding. Her response, "Your father and I do a lot for you and Callie (my daughter) and I really feel you are being selfish about this." Wtf? So I could feel my jaw set and I told her I felt she was being very controlling, selfish and hurtful. I told her that I was an adult and her daughter and it was insulting to me that she cared more about what others thought than her daughter's happiness. Anyways, went back and forth like that for a bit.

THEN, she pulls out that my dad won't be able to handle it because he has dementia. I wasn't sure if that was a drama tactic as I've noticed my dad has slowed a bit lately, but I didn't know quite how to react so I said that still wasn't a reason to get married. Anyways, she seemed to think that was an extremely selfish thing to say and that I was focusing all on myself. Meanwhile, i was a little shell shocked and not sure how to react. I'm still not sure if it's even accurate.

Anyways, sorry for the rant. This is really pissing me off. I can't believe that she continues to hold this outlook. I thought after a week she might start to come around...apparently not. Now she throws this dementia thing at me. Is she playing me? i love my parents dearly and the thought of my dad having a stroke or something since he's upset about this scares me to death. I need some voices of reason....