Feeling judged and doubting my decision to have an elective c-section...

[jrand2more]

Hi Ladies!

I thought that this might be the best place to post this thread, as I'm currently feeling so judged by my family and friends, that I don't know who else to talk to. I need to unbiased advise - but no judging please!

With my last pregnancy, I had an emergency c-section to deliver my twin sons at 27 weeks. I lost both my boys within a month after their birth. The DR had warned me at my 20 week appointment that I would most likely have a c-section to deliver the twins, and I was prepared and happy with that.

Reality though, the EMCS was the most traumatic experience of my life. After my waters broke the Friday, I was booked in hospital. The sunday morning at 06h30, my DR rushed in and told me they had to remove the babies due to an infection. I was on the phone with my husband (we live 30min away from the hospital) whilst they were inserting the catheter.

My husband ran in just as they were pushing me into theatre. He was not allowed in until they had opened me up. I was put under anaesthetic and slept through the ordeal. Before they put me under, my robe was stripped off and I lay naked on the table whilst they prepped my body for surgery. When OH was allowed in, he walked in on me having a gaping hole in my abdomen and my eyelids taped shut.

I woke up to excrutiating pain, and could not see my babies until I forced my way into NICU at 22h00 that evening.

This time around I have been pretty adamant to have an elective CS. My reasons for this are:

I want to have some form of control over the birth of my child. I know this is silly, because anything could happen, but I want to know that I will go in on this day at this time, 1,2,3 will take place, recovery period is so long, etc. Also, I don't want to be in labour for hours and hours, only to have complications arise, and I need another emergency c-section. I don't want to miss the birth of another of my children.

Secondly, I don't want OH to have to go through another traumatic birth where he has no control and feels helpless. I want it to be a calming experience for him as well. And also, he insists on it being an elective CS for his own reasons and supports me completely.

So 80% of me feels that this is the right decision. But my family and friends are arguing with me, and making me doubt it. They are warning me about recovery and telling me that its best for me and the baby to do it the natural way and about what a bonding experience a natural birthing experience is etc etc. I know all of this, but I feel like no one is listening to me! I know what the recovery period will be like more than they do, and I am not worried about it. I just don't want to lose another child due to birthing complications.

Am I making the right decision??

 

[holymoly]

Yes, you are making the right decision. You've no doubt thought about this long and hard and have made a decision based on what you feel is best for you, your OH and your baby. If your dr thought you were making the wrong decision they wouldn't give you an ELCS. Everyone else's opinions are irrelevant, they weren't there last time and they aren't in your situation now. Tell them if they can't support you they can at least keep their opinions to themselves.

I'm so sorry for your loss, good luck with your pregnancy xxxx

 

[Scally]

People are so damn judgemental! How dare they question your decision after what you went through last time! I am so sorry for your previous ordeal and losses, and can totally understand you want more control this time!

I have decided to have an elective c section this time after the trauma me and my daughter suffered last time with an emergency c section, like you i said to the consultant i need to feel in control, yes it might not happen again and in fairness it probably wont but i cannot go through that again. I have had people question me but then i list mine and my daughters injuries and they seem to shut up, mind you with the stubborn judgemental people i have told them they will not let me labour!
When you made your decision you thought about recovery etc, its not something you have taken lightly, its not like you are too posh to push.
Sorry i have had a bit of a rant! Be happy in your decision, you have done it for you, your husband and your baby x

 

[jd11]

Do not take notice of what they say unless they have a medical degree to certify they know what they are talking about or
they have experienced exactly what you have.

after a traumatic birth a following one has more to do with physical recovery. u need to feel safe, and in control. it becomes more emotional/mental recovery. only you know what feels best for you and it sounds like you have chosen the best choice for you.

i know someone that chose to have ELCS for second child after their first was born sleeping. It was an emotional decision that was right for them regardless of how long the physical recovery was. sometimes what is needed to recover emotionally/mentally trumps the physical aspect.

i hope this made sense may have rambled off a bit. i thinkyou need to tell them to back off with their comments you have made the best decision possible for you and unless they have been through what you have they have no right to judge you and the decision you have, if they have nothing positive to say keep their comments to themselves because the stress they are putting you under is not good. i wish you all the best and i think you are making the right decision

 

[SaMa86]

I think you've made the right decision. And even if your friends/family disagree, who the hell are they to say what you are to do with your body?

There is nothing easy about having a csection. There is definitly nothing easy about an EMCS, you're totally out of control of what's going on. And, honestly, the Dr's face as he strained to pull LO out of me will haunt me forever!!! If you can go in, have it planned, be ready for what's going to happen it will make it so much more bareable for you.

It's not a decision you can take lightly and you definitly haven't. Why would you want to put yourself through what you went through last time? You've got your reasons, it's your birth...do it your way!

 

[aliss]

It boggles my mind that having a previous traumatic section and losing not one but TWO children in the process is not "good enough" for people. That is disgusting. Go with your heart, you've been through enough already, you need to do what is right for you and your OH.

 

[babyblog]

I fully agree with your decision , it's makes complete sense to me. I'm sorry about the loss of your boys . I didn't face that but I did have a horriblly long labour which ended in an EMCS but the staff left it very late. I was begging them to do a section hours before they did it and only did it when his heart nearly stopped at which point they rushed me through leaving my hubby traumatised.

Second time around I was adamant I wanted an ELCS. My reasons were the same as yours, having control over a situation where I had previosuly felt helpless. It wa the best decision I made, recovery was good and that was with a toddler to care for too.

There will always be people who have these views, that we are just ' too posh to push' or whatever but you are making the decision for your child, which is your role as it's mother. So stand by your decision and be proud that youre doing the best by your child as you see it x

 

[3Beans]

I had one EMCS & 2 ELCS's. I will tell you this - my electives were way better then my emergency. Way better. Don't feel bad for your decision. Having a c/s is hard work & recovery can be quite extensive, it's not easy peasy as some think. Your body, your choice. My choices were made for me b/c the age btwn my pregnancies was too close to have a VBAC.

 

[merryb]

I completely completely understand where you're coming from and have had a very similar conversation with consultant midwife today.

Anyone who has not been through the kind of birth trauma that you have has no way/ right to make a judgment.

Do what feels right for you and your husband and leaves you with a positive experience.

 

[socitycourty]

I would say anything but an elective would be a bad choice for you. After all you've been through this will be the easiest for you. I had a traumatic and horribly long labor and then an EMCS. It wasn't easy but at the end TBH I was glad my vagina was intact after everything else I'd been through. now I just have a fading scar and that's it.

Tell anyone who judges you to stuff it. I can't belive they would say that after what you've been through.

 

[BlueHadeda]

I was really surprised when I noticed you're from SA!! In our society where c-section rates are so high, it's usually those that are adamant about natural birth that gets flack for their decision!!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. That must've been really hard. Were you in a private hospital?

About the c-sect. I notice that it's just 8 months after your previous c-sect. That should be a good enough reason for your family?! I would be scared for a rupture if natural birth was attemted.

That said...I have had 4 babies and 4 c-sections, and NONE of them was elective! Three were supposed to be, but I went into labour at 37 weeks with all 3. So everytime it ended in an emergency c-sect, although there was still time for the spinal every time. So even if you choose an elective c-sect, it doesn't mean it won't end up an emergency too.

Another point to remember is that the more c-sects you have, the less likely a VBAC will ever be, especially in our country. My dr flatout refused after I had 2 c-sects (after 1 she agreed, but not after 2). And you have to think about how many children you plan on having. I've had a 4th section now, and my doctor said I won't be able to have another. My uterus is done for it after 4 sections. I've heard of people being warned after 3 c-sections not to have any more, and I've heard of women having 7 c-sections!!

 

[jrand2more]

Thanks to all the ladies that replied I knew I made the right decision to post here!! I have been a wreck the last week or so wondering if I'm making the right decision for me and bubba, but deep down I've always known that this is the best decision I can make under my circumstances.

 

[jrand2more]

I was really surprised when I noticed you're from SA!! In our society where c-section rates are so high, it's usually those that are adamant about natural birth that gets flack for their decision!!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. That must've been really hard. Were you in a private hospital?

About the c-sect. I notice that it's just 8 months after your previous c-sect. That should be a good enough reason for your family?! I would be scared for a rupture if natural birth was attemted.

That said...I have had 4 babies and 4 c-sections, and NONE of them was elective! Three were supposed to be, but I went into labour at 37 weeks with all 3. So everytime it ended in an emergency c-sect, although there was still time for the spinal every time. So even if you choose an elective c-sect, it doesn't mean it won't end up an emergency too.

Another point to remember is that the more c-sects you have, the less likely a VBAC will ever be, especially in our country. My dr flatout refused after I had 2 c-sects (after 1 she agreed, but not after 2). And you have to think about how many children you plan on having. I've had a 4th section now, and my doctor said I won't be able to have another. My uterus is done for it after 4 sections. I've heard of people being warned after 3 c-sections not to have any more, and I've heard of women having 7 c-sections!!

Hi!! So nice to know that there is someone else here from SA!

Yes, that's why I was so unhappy myself. All of the people that have been pushing me to have a natural birth have had c-sections themselves! I suppose they feel like they know what they're talking about, and I always appreciate advice, but I feel that there are mitigating circumstances.

And it was a private hospital. I won't be going back there though. My firstborn was being nursed by a trainee that day (we found out she was a trainee later) and whilst changing the bandages securing his ventilation tubing, she pulled everything out and he could not breathe on his own yet. His body never recovered from the shock.

I haven't actually discussed the birth with my gynae (will be doing that at my 20 week appointment) but like you said, there might not be a choice in the end due to the time difference between my pregnancies.

Where are you based?

 

[sg2011]

You are definitely making the right decision and to be honest I don't know why your family and friends think it is any of their business.

My daughter was born by scheduled c-section due to a medical condition and it was a wonderful experience. It wasn't a horrific recovery at all and I was up and moving around very soon after the birth. Yes, I was sore but I would also be sore after a vaginal birth as well...possibly worse off depending on tearing etc.

Also, I don't know why people think the bond is better with a baby born vaginally...that makes no sense to me. I have a very tight bond with my little girl and it didn't matter how she was born so don't let that put you off either.

 

[BlueHadeda]

Hi!! So nice to know that there is someone else here from SA!

Yes, that's why I was so unhappy myself. All of the people that have been pushing me to have a natural birth have had c-sections themselves! I suppose they feel like they know what they're talking about, and I always appreciate advice, but I feel that there are mitigating circumstances.

And it was a private hospital. I won't be going back there though. My firstborn was being nursed by a trainee that day (we found out she was a trainee later) and whilst changing the bandages securing his ventilation tubing, she pulled everything out and he could not breathe on his own yet. His body never recovered from the shock.

I haven't actually discussed the birth with my gynae (will be doing that at my 20 week appointment) but like you said, there might not be a choice in the end due to the time difference between my pregnancies.

Where are you based?

I'm in Centurion, and you?

I would go with what my gynae suggests, so yes, go and talk to her. I'm almost sure that your gynae would advice a c-section again, since it's been so soon after your last one. Then you can tell all the family and friends that you're so sad about not getting a VBAC, but your gynae wouldn't let you. So then they'll get off your back about it.

You'd think that people would have more sympathy with you after you traumatic experiences. I honestly can't imagine how you must feel after loosing your babies. You must be so worried about this pregnancy, even if chances are very slim for anything to go wrong again. I can totally understand wanting to have the safest birth possible.

 

[miss cakes]

you know whats best for you and after everything thats happened i think id make the same choice you have also the whole thing people say about not bonding as well if you have csection is utter rubbish!! its so insulting when people say that ive had 3 csections and i bonded with em all straight away who cares what hole they come out of coming from your stomach instead of your vagina does not affect bonding at all xx

 

[Jarenk]

I wish I didn't have to have a c-section, I felt robbed with my first. I had to have an emcs because I had been in active labor for 3.5 days and only dilated to barely 1. This time around, I scheduled a c-section because I know my anatomy is not going to change. My pelvic opening is just too small (DS was only 5#10oz).

As other posters have said, people are so damned judgmental and unless they have a medical degree, I'd tell them to shove it. You can blame it on hormones! LMAO.

yes, you are making the right decision.

 

[rory83coyotes]

Well I have a question- how is being in hours of pain during labor supposed to be a bonding process? Isn't it what you do with the baby once they are here to make the bond- feedings, snuggles, and such that create the bond. When we go away for a bonding weekend for the girls we don't sign up to be in pain all weekend, we go to the spa. I think that your family has lost their minds. I would just not tell them when your section is and call after. Once the baby is here they will be to busy smiling at them to mess with the fact that you had another section. I actually get all confused by the big deal that is made of the birthing process. As long as everyone is healthy in the end I say it doesn't matter how baby gets here. It matters what you do with them once they are here. Go get your section.

 

[MummyBaron]

Hi Ladies!

This time around I have been pretty adamant to have an elective CS. My reasons for this are:

I want to have some form of control over the birth of my child. I know this is silly, because anything could happen, but I want to know that I will go in on this day at this time, 1,2,3 will take place, recovery period is so long, etc. Also, I don't want to be in labour for hours and hours, only to have complications arise, and I need another emergency c-section. I don't want to miss the birth of another of my children.

Secondly, I don't want OH to have to go through another traumatic birth where he has no control and feels helpless. I want it to be a calming experience for him as well. And also, he insists on it being an elective CS for his own reasons and supports me completely.

So 80% of me feels that this is the right decision. But my family and friends are arguing with me, and making me doubt it. They are warning me about recovery and telling me that its best for me and the baby to do it the natural way and about what a bonding experience a natural birthing experience is etc etc. I know all of this, but I feel like no one is listening to me! I know what the recovery period will be like more than they do, and I am not worried about it. I just don't want to lose another child due to birthing complications.

Am I making the right decision??

Due to some medical problems when I found out I was pregnant I assumed I was going to be having an c-section. (a doctor who diagnosed me reccomened not becoming pregnant again but a early c-section would be best if I did) So when they were all for a natural I was terrified and was fighting the consultants at every step as they weren't even sure what my condition was and hadn't even read my notes.
I'm so glad I pushed the subject and fought for what a felt was right because when my notes were checked properly they realised I needed a c-section for a safe delivery of my child and if I hadn't of gone with my gut something could of gone terribly wrong. As their is a high risk of me becoming paralysed if I have a natural.
When the doctors disagreed with me all my family and friends looked at me like I was stupid for pushing for one, but now their all really supportive because I have the medical back up.
Go with your instinct, on mental health reasons you are 100% to want control of your delivery after what you have been through and if you feel happy with your decision then screw everyone else.
Good luck xx

 

[NerdyMama]

ITS YOUR BIRTHING EXPERIENCE HONEY!!! Nobody can tell you how to have your baby, if this is what makes you comfortable then do it! I can sympathize cause my first birth was utter chaos with my family telling me to one thing, doctors another. Its your body your baby, so do whats right for you and the babe and no worries, family will just be happy they are there!