Feeling like a failure as a woman?

[NeyNey]

Hi Girls, feeling a little sorry for myself today.

My sister who is 13 months younger than me (and I love more than anything) has arrived last night for a surprise visit to my parents and me. (She lives 2 states away). I was SO excited, she pulls me aside and tells me that she's 9 weeks pregnant. She wanted to tell me in person because she wanted to make sure I'm ok. They got pregnant on the first try at having a baby. Of course I'm so happy for her, as I'm going to be an Aunty for the first time too. My parents will be Grandparents for the first time too aswell.

She's out at my parents at the moment, coming in and we're going to lunch today....I cried for around 6 straight hours last night, my eyes look horrible this morning. I just feel so sad and awful, I feel like it was my job to give my parents the first grandchild as I'm the oldest. I've always look at my baby sister as just that, my baby sister and I feel with her about to become a mum that I'm being left behind in my own little world of infertility. I feel like I fail as a woman, as a wife....and I'm never going to have my dream of being a mother...Last night I cried uncontrollably, and even typing this tears are just flowing down my face. I don't want to be in this bubble anymore, I want to be a mum...I'm sick to death of dealing with this anxiety, dissapointment, anger, frustration, sadness, etcetc day in and day out, month in and month out - year in and year out. I just can't do it anymore, I truly can't.

 

[sparkle83]

*hugs* I know exctly where you are coming from, and I really hope your time comes soon!

 

[Arcanegirl]

NeyNey, i really hope you get that BFP soon you really deserve it.

 

[cazhd]

NeyNey i'm so so sorry you feel like this, big for you.

I know how i felt when my little sis told me she was pregnant on first try and sympathise with you. I know you really are happy for her but it's the realisation that they have managed so easily to get what we are all trying so desperately for.

You so deserve your and when you said "I want to be a mum...I'm sick to death of dealing with this anxiety, dissapointment, anger, frustration, sadness, etcetc day in and day out, month in and month out" my heart goes out to you, i'm having a bad few days and feel exactly like that and i've been trying two years so can't imagine how it must feel for you.

Take care

 

[BizyBee]

Ney Ney, I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[oliveoyl]

Hugs, i don't know what to say, but it sucks!
Wishing you your BFP soon
xx

 

[jacky24]

Im so sorry you are going thru this hun..... I know it must be so hard for you, and it doesn't make you any less of a good person for feeling this way... we all have these ideal dreams and things we look forward to, and you are a Big sister..

I know it must hurt so bad, but i always console my pain and heartace in being an amazing aunty too... i struggle to see all my nephews and nieces running around me... BUT i am the best aunty the will ever have...

Your time is far from running out, and it is far from being over any time soon.... YOUR BFP will come...

I know it still doesn't change the fact that it is not YOU... but i know deep down you will be there for your little sister every step of the way... and in the end when you are swollen and about to give birth she will be there for you....

 

[NeyNey]

Thanks girls.

I really am not bitter that my sister is going to become a mum. We are just so close and I truly am so very happy for her. It is just her and I, no other blood siblings. I love her more than anything and I share her excitement, it's just hard when I think about being left behind...If that makes sense?

Thank you for the replies

 

[jacky24]

I know how you feel hun... But we don't get left behind, we have people that will be able to help us when we get our BFP's....
And from what i have learnt over these past 2 years, i never even knew.... so i am prepared in so many ways for what will lie ahead when we get that BFP, and preperation for motherhood too....

 

[Nathyrra]

I really hope there is a reason why things happen in the universe the way they do. I try hang onto the hope that oneday I'll look back and think it couldn't have been any other way. I'll be happy and content with the way my unfolding life happened, as I have with other momentous episodes in my life. I try to use this justification in my 'being left behind'. It cushions the blow sometimes, not always though..

You're being very brave being put into this situation. I really hope things start to turn around for you soon..

 

[puppymom32]

Ney Ney,
Big Hugs I know how you feel. I am the oldest of 4 girls. 2 of my younger sister have children and my baby sister which I am the closest too just had another little girl. She is 24 and I am 32. I love her and love both of her babies but I cant help feeling like is should have been me to the have the first grand baby. At least your sister came and talked to you in person. I had to hear from someone else that my sister was pregnant again. That hurt more than finding out she was pregnant but she said she didnt want to ruin my christmas. It sucks when people are more concerned about how you will take the news than being happy enough to share the news with you. I dont want to be the person that no one wants to talk about babies around. I just want a baby I feel we have definetly put in our waiting time. We have been trying for almost 5 years. Its ok to cry it just means you are human and sometimes things hurt. trust me you will love being an auntie I know I do.

 

[Millnsy]

Thanks girls.

I really am not bitter that my sister is going to become a mum. We are just so close and I truly am so very happy for her. It is just her and I, no other blood siblings. I love her more than anything and I share her excitement, it's just hard when I think about being left behind...If that makes sense?

Thank you for the replies

Hi Ney Ney

I know EXACTLY what you mean about being left behind. MY other half's sister has 2 children aged 4 and 2, my brother has 2 girls aged 2 and 3 months and my other brother has just had one. So I have 5 nieces and so far I have failed miserably in providing them cousins to play with. The thought of them having finished their families when we haven't even started yet is horrible. I love all my nieces and love spending time with them but being favourite aunty is no substitute.

I have everything crossed for you and feel your pain...

Millnsy xxx

 

[Millnsy]

Ney Ney,
It sucks when people are more concerned about how you will take the news than being happy enough to share the news with you. I dont want to be the person that no one wants to talk about babies around.

Hi,

What you have written really strikes a chord with me. I hate the fact that people start hiding things from you because they don't know how you will "take it". One of best friends did this to me and it took me months to get over it. Luckily my brothers both told me first which really helped but I know what you mean.

I am 32 as well but have only been trying 2.5 years compared to your 5. best of luck... Millnsy xx

 

[FEDup1981]

Does ur sister know about everything ur going through? xx

 

[Blue12]

Im so sorry Ney Ney that you are going through this.

I know I am facing a similar situation as my brothers gf is pregnant - first month of trying. Yesterday he called to tell me all about his first time hearing the heart beat and the ultrasound and on and on.... I am excited for them ...but crushed for me....I don't wish this challenge of infertility on anyone - but it doesn't change how hard it is to watch someone else go through it.

Best wishes

 

[Suz]

Oh hunny I wish I was close by to give you a Great Big HUG!

 

[MillieMoo]

Ney Ney, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I really sympathise with you to because my brother is 2 years younger than me and he's already got his second on the way.

Your definatley not a failure and your family will love your child as much as they love your sisters.

Hope you feel better x

 

[NeyNey]

Does ur sister know about everything ur going through? xx

She does, she takes a very active roll in my treatment, always asking
questions and being one of my biggest support poles to lean on.

Thank you girls for the warm replies,
It's so nice to know I'm not the only one xoxox

 

[chefamy1122]

Ney Ney I am really sorry you are feeling like this. I remember when my brother called to tell me that his wife was pregnant and I was going to be an aunt. It felt like somebody punched me in the gut, and I had to get off the phone quickly b/c I did not want them to know I was crying. As happy as I was for them, and as much as I absolutely LOVE my nephew with all of my heart, I still feel as if I am a failure as a woman too.

There are so many wonderful, amazing girls on here that would be such great moms. I truly hope that each and every one reaches that dream

 

[Farie]

just wanted you to know your not alone feeling like this