Feeling like a total failure as a mother. I've never spoken about this before.

[Sonnenshein_]

I apologize if this turns into a ramble, but I haven't ever spoken about this before. Especially not to other mothers.

I had severe depression and severe anxiety disorder (where I can't even leave the house, make phone calls, etc) for 6 years before DD was born, and when she was born I also got a nice or not so nice* dose of post-natal depression. It got so bad that DH had to come out of work and was registered as my Carer when DD was 4 months old. DD is now 7 1/2 months old and DH has started a new job today. I've been feeling wonderful, as I also got put on Citalopram for a while and when I found out we were expecting again (I'm currently 8 weeks) I cut down the dose and stopped taking them; for two months beforehand I was feeling like it was time to come off them anyway. I got too many opposing opinions on the affects in pregnancy and just couldn't take them anymore. I did great, amazing infact, and everything except my anxiety seemed to have gone, so I told DH it was time for us to move on and get ourselves back to normal, especially with Jellybean number two making their arrival in November... which will be here before I know it!

The sad part is, two hours into his shift with another four hours to go and I'm struggling. It physically hurts me to admit it, but I'm at a total loss with DD. When people are around I'm so confident, but being alone, I just have no idea what to do. I actually find myself scared of her. How silly! I keep having to come away for 5 minutes to stop myself from crying infront of her, but every time I look at her I just feel like I'm letting her down. She's currently taking a nap and I'm trying to avoid another breakdown. I've come so far in my recovery and I was excited for today, but it seems like nothing has changed afterall. What sort of mother is scared of her own baby? especially when I'm totally fine when people are around, and it's only been TWO hours! I've held DH back far too much for too long now, even though he says I haven't, I know I have and I can't bare to voice any of this to him. He told me this morning before he left how proud he is in my recovery and my strength to get here, so I can't possibly tell him this. I'm just at a loss for what to do. I have no friends around here, I can't attempt groups because of my anxiety, and my anxiety also means I can't get any support from a HV because I just about die when I meet a stranger, especially when I feel judged. I just don't understand how everything is fine and I don't have these feelings when there are others around, but as soon as I'm alone with her I have no idea what to do and I'm terrified of her crying. It doesn't help that she's a total daddy's girl and definitely prefers to be around him. I feel like the worst possible mother out there and I just want to get past this.

So so sorry for the ramble! I just needed to get it out because I'm too scared to tell anyone that really knows me. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Dibbles]

*hugs* didn't want to read and run

I hope you got through the day okay even if you asked for help in the end

Little steps will get you there, you were able to control yourself today for 1-2 hours tomorrow you can do a little more don't be so hard on yourself reach out if you need help.

Maybe if you write down all the positive things you have done/do for your daughter? You're a great mum and the list will help remind you. Maybe sit down with OH and each write a list of 5 special things the other does for your daughter

HTH!

 

[MrsHippo]

Bless you. It will be hard for any of us to offer advise unless we have been through or currently going through something similar.

I do think that you should talk to your husband. I know you feel as though you have to keep it in but that isn't good for you. I am sure he would rather you speak to him than keep your feelings bottled up.

Have you ever had counselling? if you can't face seeing someone there are things online where you can speak to health professionals. I remember seeing something on tv... It's worth looking in to anyway?

Don't feel as though you are a bad mother either and if you need to let off some steam and have a cry, then go and cry.

I wish you all the best and feel free to open up and discuss your feelings on here. As I said before, it's not good keeping things bottled up inside xxx

 

[cat_reversing]

sorry you're feeling so bad. i know it's the last thin you want to do but got to keep communicating. speak to your dr about how you're feeling, speak to a close family member or friend,and most importantly speak to your husbnd. he's there for you and wants you to be ok. write him a note if you can't deal with a conversation.
take each day as it comes, take each hour and know eventually these feelings will pass, the waiting maybe long but you will get there.
know that even writing on b&b you've shown courage, well done.
realise that what you feel when you're alone is panic and not really who you are deep inside and with time and help it will continue to get better.
i had a 'depressive episode' ie breakdown 9 years ago and it took a long time to feel back to what i'd consider normal for me, i had to take it slow. i started by giving myself one small task each day, some dayys just having a shower was too much bother, and eventually theese included being outside the home, going to the shops etc. if i felt i couldn't do it one day i'd leave it and try again tomorrow.
try not to be hard on yourself but do recognise you are suffering with an illness that is not your fault!

 

[Allyson11]

You are not a bad mother. Admitting you need extra help is not failing its a step forward. Please speak to your Dh. And if you have to cry, cry, lo won't mind and won't remember. Thank you for being so brave and well done. You are amazing xxx

 

[Dibbles]

Hey there Sonnenshein_ I hope things are getting better Just wanted to check that you're ok and to let you know that there are a lot of people out there who care about you!

 

[Arisa]

*hugs* sweetheart i really think you need to talk to your doc about your medication, it may be the only thing that will get you through this awful PPD aswell as your first trimester, i could not bare it what you are going through, i am still in the grips of post natal depression and have bipolar too well a form of it, cyclothmic disorder its called and have just been put on a strong mood stabilizer and was told not to TTC because the effects on baby are so bad but with citalopram you are safe, heck i was on Seroquel for my bipolar during pregnancy and my little girl is smart and alert and cute, and i was also on Effexor XR for depression. So i think u need to increase your meds or talk about this with your doctor. it cannot go on. its hard i know but you will do more harm to your unborn baby and your LO if you do not seek medical and professional help
all the best *hugs*

 

[Sonnenshein_]

Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't been back since posting, I've been one busy mamma! I'm doing a lot better, I guess it was just those first few days, but DH is back to working 30 hours per week and we're all doing great. There's a lot of added stress at the moment with moving home, and back when I posted things were very very bad with that. Now that things are looking up a bit and there's a ig weight off my shoulders, I'm doing much better. Very proud to have gotten through this without reverting back to my meds, since I'm really not comfortable taking them whilst pregnant. I know they say there isn't enough evidence to say anything bad happens but I just don't feel right to take them, but I'm feeling better than I have in 6 years so there are no complaints on life post-meds. I'm really grateful for you ladies being supportive, I've had some mothers elsewhere comment on the same situation that I am a bad mother and, it actually didn't bother me, because now I've pulled myself out of that dark pit of depression, I can see that I'm not a bad mother. I just hope that I don't get PND with this next LO.

 

[Dibbles]

Yay! You're one tough mama!! You should be really proud of yourself for pushing through like you did! That's a huge feat with moving a nee baby and pregnancy!

I hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy and are happy and bouncy pp too!

Tc

 

[MrsHippo]

Bless you, I'm really happy to hear you are feeling better. Xx

 

[Sonnenshein_]

Thanks ladies. Major fall backs today, think going back to my meds and talking to DH are inevitable really. Trying not to get too down on myself for it or feel like a bad mamma, suppose it's better that I know I need help rather than try to continue without it and ignore it. Feel so guilty though, it's not fair on DD and Jellybean.. and it's not fair on DH either. Hope it gets better.

I really appreciate the support you ladies have given me. I always felt like other mothers that didn't have PND and pre-existing depression would get down on me and think I'm a bad mother, so it's been nice to see I was wrong there.

 

[zilla]

Thanks ladies. Major fall backs today, think going back to my meds and talking to DH are inevitable really. Trying not to get too down on myself for it or feel like a bad mamma, suppose it's better that I know I need help rather than try to continue without it and ignore it. Feel so guilty though, it's not fair on DD and Jellybean.. and it's not fair on DH either. Hope it gets better.

I really appreciate the support you ladies have given me. I always felt like other mothers that didn't have PND and pre-existing depression would get down on me and think I'm a bad mother, so it's been nice to see I was wrong there.

Instead of talking to your OH, could you just show him your post - maybe print it out, add bits you want to and give them to him - instead of having to talk it out? It's harder saying it all out loud x

 

[Butterfly89]

I've actually had a really similar situation, only OH has had to stay working and my grandparents have been caring for my son. I just wrote a post before reading this one and I really relate... I am having so much guilt too and I feel that same "scared" feeling around my LO, thought it was only me who felt that!! I have struggled with social anxiety in the past too (and generalized anxiety) so getting help is hard. I am seeing a therapist occasionally now. I am on medication, but not sure it's doing anything.

Have you tried seeing a therapist/psychologist *with* your OH or someone you trust there? I wonder if that could help until you get to know them and could go on your own. That helped for me in the past... the first sessions weren't as helpful because I didn't feel able to open up with my family members there but once I got to know the doctor, I was able to go alone and that was when I could really talk.

I wish I could offer advice but I can say you're not alone and I wish you all the best in recovery. It's so challenging but the fact that you are asking for help shows you're a really good mother. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.