Thanks for your replies, I had to rush that reply last night and this is a bit of a quick reply/ramble too, so sorry.
I look back to when I was 16/17 and think "God I was immature and naive about everything" So I have matured. I'm sorting out my own business, I'm looking at getting my own house, why not just sort everything in your life out at once? Set yourself up with everything you want to happen, so you can just enjoy it? I know right now I do not want to be well into my 20s before I start thinking about having a baby. I always thought 19, I don't like 20... 21 is okay, but that means I'll be 31 when my kid is 10.. I work on things like this. I know it'll sound weird to you, but it's always worked for me.
I'm sure I've plenty of maturing to do, but that will only come from experiencing life, but I'm a hell of a lot more mature than my mum who is now 50 (which I'm sure a lot of you will say that's just because I'm a teenager or something, but you have not met my mother).. Sure she's got the life experience and more confidence because of this, but she still brings back things on me such as when I was 5 I went and stood with my fave teacher instead of her on a school trip and that made her feel bad, she suggests I did this on purpose. THAT's what I mean by immature. I do not have an 'issue' with this, as such, it just makes me want to strive to get my own place and get as far away from her as possible, it also makes me want to be a better mother than her, and I know I can be. I won't bully my child telling him/her they have no friends, which I think makes me rather a few steps up than my mum.
Perhaps it's wrong to judge maturity just on my mother, but as I say, my brain works in funny ways.
I'm sure when we do decide to have a baby I'll look back and think "Thank f*** we waited and I got a couple extra years of my own"
As for my BF and my relationship, we started out being completely s***, he couldn't express emotions, couldn't decide whether he loved me, was told by his mother that I was making him depressed (when in fact it was other issues at the time).. We've lived together for, well the majority of our relationship.. It's now that I feel nothing could split us, except if
I lose interest, or something (unlikely) like that.. Arguments don't really exist, we have them, but not shouting ones, it's just building up until we can talk about issues and tell the other one how we feel and why we're upset, that sort of thing, we sort stuff like that out a hellovalot more maturely than anyone I know.. I feel we can discuss delicate issues but keep our relationship as seperate as possible, so that's not damaged. From experience my mother's relationships, she brings EVERYTHING into her relationship, if she has a problem she'll tear it about until she damages her relationships beyond repair.
I just feel we have a suitable and healthy environment for a child (when we have our own place, and if BF was as ready as me) I don't give a toss about age, as long as I know I can offer a child a proper life, what does it matter?
Anyway, maturing IS doing things. If you don't do what you want, you're not going to get the most out of your life. My mum is a miserable, bitter woman. Because she hates her job, but does not like change. Because she stays in relationships where she's not happy because she does not believe she can ever be happy with someone else. Because she makes other people's lives as miserable as possible when they're around her, to make her feel better, but it doesn't, because it means people do not want to be with her. She's bullied me since I was a kid, perhaps to make herself feel better, but it's made me want to get as far away as possible, which is bloody sad. It's also made me want to be a better mother, to encourage my kids to participate in things and do things to make them feel confident in themselves.
I'm trying to do something I like, rather than take the first shitty job that comes along. I'm trying to sort my life out, get a house with my BF, our relationship can already withstand the strain we're under trying to get the money up, although it makes us miserable, we can discuss our problems and worries and know the other will be there (even if he's not really as
supportive as I want...
) I don't bring things back on my BF, things that have happened before.. We work.
I don't actually know why I'm trying to defend myself to this extent, just trying to make people see that I feel I'm (almost) in a much better situation for a child than my mother ever was, especially emotionally. Plus as soon as I start writing it turns into a bloody novel!
Thanks saara24, the only thing that frustrates me so much with my BF (I don't mind the xbox thing so much
) is he's been brought up in a pretty emotionless environment and it makes everything SOOOO much more difficult. I ask him what he thinks and he expects me to think for him. Meh. Sometimes that works to my advantage, but most of the time I just need an opinion and he can't even decide whether he likes something or not. He's improved from the beginning, he kinda knows what he wants, but he's scared of making the wrong choice in life. I say just go for it!!! In reality, if he's pushed into something, he'll DO IT and get on with it, but it's just getting him to do something..not just babies, but everything! lol
I know homeworking will be tough, and risky, and tiring, but I really want to make it work. I've had the motivation for ages (usually it diminishes) to make it work, so I'm just trying to get everything set up, get the really difficult bit outta the way!!!
Anyway, to clarify what I said in yesterdays post; BF has now said we can ttc in July next year, which I actually don't think I want to do..but it's settled me down, just to have a sort of waypoint, even if it keeps changing and we start ttc in a couple years or something, it gives me a point to look forward to-ish. Then he said maybe we could get married....then engaged...see what I mean about the chopping and changing!!!! I don't mind, I just need something to look forward to, otherwise it just makes me feel down, like life is pointless... Babies can wait, doesn't stop me wanting tho.
