Feeling pretty crappy about everything

[Nik_]

Hi.

I dont mean to sound like judgemental or anything like that but from reading your posts over the last couple of weeks it would suggest your very focused on having a baby right now. Is your other half aware of this? I think he is probably feeling very pressured! Boys are very very immature and it takes a lot longer for them to grow up than girls. He obviously loves you a lot because he wants to make a home with you but he sounds in no way ready for a baby. It would change your lives forever and I dont think hes mature enough for such a big step. At 18 you've still got a lot of growing up and changing to do. At 18 I was a completely different person to what I am now, when I think back only four years ago I cringe at how immature I was. Ive grown up a lot in four years and I think that the period of 18-23 is when most people become the real person they are (if that makes sense) Its also not fair on the child to bring him/her into a relationship thats not ready because it will affect their life in a big way. My parents had me young and split up when I was a baby and I never had a real sense of family and as much as most single parents do a great job it isnt an ideal situation and it didnt work for me. You should live together for a few years first and then discuss the subject again. You never know you could look back at this stage in your life when your 22 and say "what was I thinking?!"
You really dont need to rush you have your whole life ahead of you and pressurising your boyfriend could just drive you apart. I didnt want to be an old mum, ill be 23 when the peach is born, and I think you should atleast wait until your 21 to think about it because you could end up regretting the choices you made. And I really dont think this forum is helping as it is obviously all about babies!

You said everything that I wanted and tried to say, except you did it a lot better.

 

[nightkd]

It's more the fact that he's chopping and changing that's winding me up. Eg he'll go from saying "baby is not a bad idea" to the whole 'home abortion' thing. That just really gets to me.

Now for example he is now saying we can ttc in July next year, or even if we have our own house etc and my business is looking good, sooner.

I agree this site may not be helping(!), or perhaps I've just settled down after having a break from home (went to the seaside for a few days)... I think it's more that he always sorta wants what I want, and in this particular instance, obviously does not.

Now that I've managed to talk him round to the July thing (which he suggested...) I'm finding myself thinking that's far too soon... I dunno, I'm confused now.

Perhaps it was more me wanting to convince him to come round to my way of thinking (I've always thought about becoming a lawyer ) but I just feel ready to settle down, it would give me something to concentrate on and an excuse not to get dragged along to these stupid "let's go and get pissed" evenings in which neither of us end up drinking anyway.

He DOESN'T go out. He 'can't be bothered' most of the time and prefers to stay in. I can't be assed going out because my good friends are usually working and the rest of them are two faced assholes who I can't be bothered wasting my time nor breath on.

Man I sound conceited in this post! lol

To sum my personality up, I need things to move. Our relationship has always been fairly fast moving and I NEED something to look forward to, something to concentrate my efforts on, something exciting! The last exciting thing that happened was for me to convince him to move in with me when I was kicked outta his mum's house.. That was...6 months ago?? Maybe 5... Now we're unemployed and sat at home, doing nothing. I need to be able to take a risk, because my risks usually sort themselves out (touch wood) I take a risk, there's the excitement of 'what's going to happen' and then it all settles down and I get something out of it. HE won't take risks, he won't do something incase he gets in trouble and he prefers not to do something INCASE, rather than to just DO IT and see what happens. But when he does he usually does not regret it.

I'm not saying that a baby would just be an 'exciting thing' to feed my desire for risks; I look forward to the work I would have to put in to support and care for that baby; the rewards I would get from that work.. It makes me feel good to have something to concentrate my efforts and energy on (I'm a very energetic/bouncy person) and I want to be raising my children while I still have the enthusiasm to follow my parenting guidelines which will clearly exceed that of my mother and all the other parents(!) we've seen today who let their children run amock, or tell them off for getting a bit dirty! Yes, I know most will fall by the wayside once my child starts screaming for sweeties.. But I can exercise a certain patience with children and small animals that I don't have in day to day life. It's nice not to feel like a bad/stressy/angry person all the time. Again not suggesting a baby would be something to make me feel better about myself, but it's something I feel I could actually do right in life, something I have strong beliefs about and would like to achieve at. (Which sounds even more...silly?)

He's almost 19, but acts about 40 (all his terrible aches and pains, and 'that music is too noisy' ).

I know I am pressurizing him, but he'll never get anything done otherwise...

 

[nightkd]

Thanks for your replies, I had to rush that reply last night and this is a bit of a quick reply/ramble too, so sorry.

I look back to when I was 16/17 and think "God I was immature and naive about everything" So I have matured. I'm sorting out my own business, I'm looking at getting my own house, why not just sort everything in your life out at once? Set yourself up with everything you want to happen, so you can just enjoy it? I know right now I do not want to be well into my 20s before I start thinking about having a baby. I always thought 19, I don't like 20... 21 is okay, but that means I'll be 31 when my kid is 10.. I work on things like this. I know it'll sound weird to you, but it's always worked for me.

I'm sure I've plenty of maturing to do, but that will only come from experiencing life, but I'm a hell of a lot more mature than my mum who is now 50 (which I'm sure a lot of you will say that's just because I'm a teenager or something, but you have not met my mother).. Sure she's got the life experience and more confidence because of this, but she still brings back things on me such as when I was 5 I went and stood with my fave teacher instead of her on a school trip and that made her feel bad, she suggests I did this on purpose. THAT's what I mean by immature. I do not have an 'issue' with this, as such, it just makes me want to strive to get my own place and get as far away from her as possible, it also makes me want to be a better mother than her, and I know I can be. I won't bully my child telling him/her they have no friends, which I think makes me rather a few steps up than my mum.

Perhaps it's wrong to judge maturity just on my mother, but as I say, my brain works in funny ways.

I'm sure when we do decide to have a baby I'll look back and think "Thank f*** we waited and I got a couple extra years of my own"

As for my BF and my relationship, we started out being completely s***, he couldn't express emotions, couldn't decide whether he loved me, was told by his mother that I was making him depressed (when in fact it was other issues at the time).. We've lived together for, well the majority of our relationship.. It's now that I feel nothing could split us, except if I lose interest, or something (unlikely) like that.. Arguments don't really exist, we have them, but not shouting ones, it's just building up until we can talk about issues and tell the other one how we feel and why we're upset, that sort of thing, we sort stuff like that out a hellovalot more maturely than anyone I know.. I feel we can discuss delicate issues but keep our relationship as seperate as possible, so that's not damaged. From experience my mother's relationships, she brings EVERYTHING into her relationship, if she has a problem she'll tear it about until she damages her relationships beyond repair.

I just feel we have a suitable and healthy environment for a child (when we have our own place, and if BF was as ready as me) I don't give a toss about age, as long as I know I can offer a child a proper life, what does it matter?

Anyway, maturing IS doing things. If you don't do what you want, you're not going to get the most out of your life. My mum is a miserable, bitter woman. Because she hates her job, but does not like change. Because she stays in relationships where she's not happy because she does not believe she can ever be happy with someone else. Because she makes other people's lives as miserable as possible when they're around her, to make her feel better, but it doesn't, because it means people do not want to be with her. She's bullied me since I was a kid, perhaps to make herself feel better, but it's made me want to get as far away as possible, which is bloody sad. It's also made me want to be a better mother, to encourage my kids to participate in things and do things to make them feel confident in themselves.

I'm trying to do something I like, rather than take the first shitty job that comes along. I'm trying to sort my life out, get a house with my BF, our relationship can already withstand the strain we're under trying to get the money up, although it makes us miserable, we can discuss our problems and worries and know the other will be there (even if he's not really as supportive as I want... ) I don't bring things back on my BF, things that have happened before.. We work.

I don't actually know why I'm trying to defend myself to this extent, just trying to make people see that I feel I'm (almost) in a much better situation for a child than my mother ever was, especially emotionally. Plus as soon as I start writing it turns into a bloody novel!

Thanks saara24, the only thing that frustrates me so much with my BF (I don't mind the xbox thing so much ) is he's been brought up in a pretty emotionless environment and it makes everything SOOOO much more difficult. I ask him what he thinks and he expects me to think for him. Meh. Sometimes that works to my advantage, but most of the time I just need an opinion and he can't even decide whether he likes something or not. He's improved from the beginning, he kinda knows what he wants, but he's scared of making the wrong choice in life. I say just go for it!!! In reality, if he's pushed into something, he'll DO IT and get on with it, but it's just getting him to do something..not just babies, but everything! lol

I know homeworking will be tough, and risky, and tiring, but I really want to make it work. I've had the motivation for ages (usually it diminishes) to make it work, so I'm just trying to get everything set up, get the really difficult bit outta the way!!!

Anyway, to clarify what I said in yesterdays post; BF has now said we can ttc in July next year, which I actually don't think I want to do..but it's settled me down, just to have a sort of waypoint, even if it keeps changing and we start ttc in a couple years or something, it gives me a point to look forward to-ish. Then he said maybe we could get married....then engaged...see what I mean about the chopping and changing!!!! I don't mind, I just need something to look forward to, otherwise it just makes me feel down, like life is pointless... Babies can wait, doesn't stop me wanting tho.

 

[nightkd]

P.S Sorry for another ramble, you don't have to read, it just makes me feel better to write everything I'm feeling down..

 

[Reedy]

Its sounds like you've had a tough upbringing with your mum x
You say you want to have something to look forward to (not going to have a go promise) but if you do everything now then when thats over you'll have years of having nothing to look forward to. Why not sort your business out first & get that up & running then look forward to getting a house together then think about babies when your business is up & running & you feel its running smoothly then think about having a baby then you'll have that to look forward aswell x

I think you'll make a great mum, you sound very sensible & mature for your age just dont rush into everythign all at once its always nice to have something to look forward to x

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

Hey, just read all the posts in this thread. Have been away for a few days so haven't had chance to come on here. Just wanted to say that if you can get him to definitely agree to a date in the future then that kinda makes things easier...i know because it's what i did. Although i also know how you feel about the chopping and changing because my OH does that all the time too. I think perhaps you should talk to him and tell him that you need him to try and be more open about his feelings so you really know what he wants xx

 

[nightkd]

You say you want to have something to look forward to (not going to have a go promise) but if you do everything now then when thats over you'll have years of having nothing to look forward to.

I wondered if someone was going to pick up on that! Maybe I'll just have to become a thrill seeker.. Stuntwoman or something?

Thanks though. I really don't know what it is, but now that BF and I have had a chat I'm just much calmer about it. I kinda just needed to know he wants a baby, even if I don't RIGHT NOW. -Sigh-

I just get so irritated with the chopping and changing. It means you start to look forward to something, then it's whipped out from under you, and when that happens loads of times it gets pretty emotionally tiring.

I do sorta live in dreamworld sometimes, I was walking down the street today, texting my BF to say I was coming to meet him and I suddenly thought "OMG! I'm going out with Phil...I'm actually going out with someone called Phil. Phil from school. And he's my BOYFRIEND!" It was shocking!!

 

[saara24]

I do sorta live in dreamworld sometimes, I was walking down the street today, texting my BF to say I was coming to meet him and I suddenly thought "OMG! I'm going out with Phil...I'm actually going out with someone called Phil. Phil from school. And he's my BOYFRIEND!" It was shocking!!

I'm like that all the time

'Oh my God. I live in a house. An actual HOUSE, that I BOUGHT! How did I get so grown up, all of a sudden? How did this happen' World, you're going too fast - stop spinning I want to get off. The strangest, smallest things that you do every day just suddenly make you stop and think 'Christ...'

I think it's a good thing Makes me appreciate the little things.