Feeling sad

[jozylynn896]

So a few days ago i began to remember.
A couple of times about over a year ago I had pregnancy symptoms. I would take test and get faint lines that showed up pos. Then get my period for a few days and the negative tests. I think i may have just miscarried a few times. I know this might sound dumb and kind of weird but its been hurting me because I'll never know for sure.
I told OH and he says that he's always thought the same thing but just never wanted to bring it up. Now it's just bugging me because I'll never know.

Of course at tge time I was just relieved to not be pregnant and didn't understand much about miscarriage or chemical pregnancy.

So idk maybe I'm out of my mind but this has been bugging me and i don't have any friends besides you girls to tell this to. It might not even be true but I'll never know.

 

[skyesmom]

the tests are usually accurate and fake positives are extremely rare.. false negatives are pretty common due to testing too early most of the times, but false positives are really really extremely rare. pregnancy tests even with the faintest positive lines are just that, positives. many women miscarry without even knowing they were ever pregnant...

...pregnancy loss is always hard to deal with, no matter when or how you start facing it, and when you become aware of it. even when it is just a possibility (although several positive tests, a period and then negative tests really do sound like a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage). you're always left with many unanswered question and often a confusion of should you grieve or not and are you allowed to feel sad at all. it is good that your OH understands you and shares your feelings on it too.

especially it can be tough if back then you were relieved and didn't give it much thought, and now after being pregnant you have a different view on pregnancy and parenthood and therefore a possibility of having had losses.

having had a loss myself, all i can tell you is let your heart feel whatever it wants to feel. i personally found comfort in believing that those little souls don't leave us and come back to us eventually when their time comes. i know that this will sound a bit silly, but i love to look at it as if the baby you are carrying now, that same little soul, attempted to come to you and knocked on your door all those times, until eventually his/her right moment came and she stayed with you... so eventually you didn't lose her/him at all

 

[jozylynn896]

thank you so much. Honestly you explained exactly how i feel. I don't know if or how to grieve. This may sound odd but i just know i must have miscarried at least twice. At first i thought Abbott this and felt strange but now i just feel upset. I was so irresponsible and my babies had to suffer for that. I just wish i knew. Its starting to bug me more and more.

i just don't know if or how to grieve.

 

[17pregnant]

Gosh hun, I know how you must feel. And it is hard to grieve when you have no answers hey. It is hard, I have suffered a loss aswell, but like skyesmom said I also take comfort in knowing that baby will come back to me. I think he/she has in this pregnancy. But I notice you said you were irresponsible and your babies had to suffer. Please don't think like that. It just makes it so much harder to deal with it. No matter what anyone says, m/c are unexplainable. You may not have done everything right, but in no way does that mean it was your fault. xx

 

[skyesmom]

jozylynn, don't blame yourself for your miscarriages. really there is no answer to them especially if they've been so early. most of women don't know they're pregnant until 6 weeks at least (now it is possible to catch those early pregnancies only because these super-sensitive tests are available) and in that time really nothing that you do can cause you to miscarry, the baby is barely implanted at that time and it is naturally protected from whatever harmful you may intake - that's the nature's way of protecting babies until mommies realize they're pregnant.

i've done everything by the book in my pregnancy and yet i lost my baby. doctors ran tests and it was all perfectly fine both with me and my son and we just had no answers - it is damn hard to live with those things.

there is a miscarriage support group in this forum and it's great, you can post there, women are really really supportive, understanding and non-judgmental at all.
no one knows how to grieve the loss of a child, it just devastates you and it takes a long to recover. there is no right or wrong way to do that. just let yourself feel however you may feel these days and pick up from that.
i really think your little one you are carrying now is that very same soul which tried to come to you all those times. and you haven't done anything wrong my dear.
lots of hugs and love to u!

 

[jozylynn896]

Thank you do much. I just wish that i knew, you know? I'll find out one day. And did you guys ever feel guilty? Cause i feel guilty. I know i shouldn't but i just do and i don't really know why :/

 

[skyesmom]

i've felt guilty on many different levels for a year my dear. it is totally normal and human. you also feel like your body betrayed you. even if you do everything by the book you'l always find "reasons" to feel guilty. i say "reasons" because there are no real reasons, really, but you grab on any thing you can looking for a reason why, and so you end up blaming yourself and feeling guilty. even feeling guilty for not wanting to be pregnant back then and so on. all this is totally normal. so many people get shit scared when they find out they were pregnant and think they don't want children, then they end up keeping it and when it goes well nobody remembers having those thoughts even or just understands they were normal fear-driven thoughts due to the overwhelming kind of news. but when you lose a baby and remember even just a glimpse of something like that, it can be a hell on earth and make you feel guilty for a lifetime with no reason at all.

write down whatever your feelings may be, it can help you focus them out and see them clearly, and this helps you to deal with them and heal eventually.

 

[jozylynn896]

You make me feel better because I know I'm not crazy now for feeling this way. :') thank you.

 

[skyesmom]

love you're not crazy at all. really, if you go to a miscarriage support forum on bnb you'll find so so many women who feel just the way you feel now. some of them have started grieving immediately, some of them months later like you, but all of us went through similar feelings.

this kind of thing leaves with you with no certain answers, lots of doubts and self-doubts, it takes ages to heal and you really feel like you don't know your own self anymore from time to time. and having understanding people around u through those times is crucial, trust me. everything is easier once it is shared

 

[17pregnant]

Thank you do much. I just wish that i knew, you know? I'll find out one day. And did you guys ever feel guilty? Cause i feel guilty. I know i shouldn't but i just do and i don't really know why :/

I felt guilty babe, I still do. It's hard to get over but I have to tell my self over and over it's not my fault. I had a lovely nurse with me when I went into hospital and she said that that's the most important thing to remember. I think of it as nature's way of saying baby was too precious for this world.

 

[jozylynn896]

I just feel so stupid because I don't even know for sure and I'm crying about it.

But i can just feel it, iykwim?

 

[skyesmom]

honey you just know.
and if the tests were positive, even faintly, then you got your proof. and if you need confirmation, maybe call your doctor and ask him/her what's their opinion about it. you don't even need to tell them it happened a year ago. tell them it was last month (just for the sake of avoiding the attitude of "what the fuck do you care about it only now" that sometimes can come from insensitive doctors).

don't beat yourself up additionally by thinking you're insane or something. miscarriages are devastating and only a possibility of it is more then enough to make you crumble. cry your heart out as much as you want, let all those feelings show and go: the grief, the loss, the frustration of not knowing, the sadness, the self-doubt, the guilt... don't repress any of those, you have all the right to feel them. every single one of them.