Feeling so low and depressed

[FJL]

I'm sorry if this post brings everyone else down but I just have to get it out.

Since we found out our infertility problems my life has just been one big mess.

I am so sad all the time, I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone (besides DH) and i'm just such a hermit...I want to do my own thing and forget about everyone else. I am very close to my family and they're all really worried about me but I can't even bring myself to talk with them on the phone. Everytime I talk about our problems I just burst into tears and i'm sick and tired of crying.

This whole thing has just gutted me beyond belief...I cannot even explain how it has affected me, not to mention DH. I think I have found a new level of rock bottom. Theres rock bottom, then 1000000 feet of shit, then there is me - thats how I feel.

I really want to get some counselling but DH doesn't want to and I don't want to go by myself.

God, I can't remember the last time I returned a friends phone call, and apart from 2 friends, the rest don't even know whats going on and I don't want to tell them because I don't want to hear those same questions and reactions all over again - 'you've got plenty of time, you're only young' or 'you should get a 2nd opinion' or 'I didn't even know you wanted kids yet' or 'you should get out of the house to make you feel better' or 'maybe you should try this and that'.

I'm just over it, over explaining it to everyone.

I'm not quite sure how I am going to pull myself out of this deep, dark place and become a normal person again...I just feel numb all the time. Numb and sad...I don't think i've laughed or smiled for quite some time.

I just had to get that out, not even sure if it made any sense

 

[Suz]

Awe, Im sure that your feelings are very normal. It is good to get your feelings out and this is a great place to do that. I hope that you are able to find your way out of the way you are feeling. I also hope that you will be able to get help with your infertility problems. There are so many advances this area and it is only a matter of time before you find the right approch for you. Just know that we are all here for you and wish you the very best of luck and a shoulder to cry on if needed.

 

[Wobbles]

You are normal, what you are feeling is normal, how you have reacted is normal honestly I wish I could make it all better although different circumstances I feel your pain

It got easier for me to deal with - For me tbh I realised I had to as it was wrecking my r,ship beyond belief. Not good a worded bloke I have lol It sounds like you have your man to share your journey & get to the end of it together.

Suz is right there is so much they can can do now once a problem has been reconised, a problem doesn't mean forever we can often fix problems just the journey is a little longer than expected - Thats how I started thinking.

You don't have to tell all your friends. I got to a point with people I knew when they would make silly comments they simply didn't understand of asking them not to say it ... I'm guessing the way I said it gave them a hint that it's not as easy as that and I didn't quite apprieciate their words, I wasn't rude just honest. My own family were a let down my Aunt said the same "why do you want them" another Aunt told me whist I was in the middle of our ectopic "I know its a boy" dismissing my pain & facts. Some people really don't think first!

I think men find it harder to face going on my OH & other peoples stories - Sit him down hun & ask him to do this for you, this will help you

x

 

[Arcanegirl]

Suz is right there is so much they can can do now once a problem has been reconised, a problem doesn't mean forever we can often fix problems just the journey is a little longer than expected - Thats how I started thinking.

This is also how ive been thinking for a while now.
I will get upset, i will get angry and i will think why but i know in the end we will get there one way or another and you will too

 

[wannabmum]

Hi I understand how you are feeling I too go threw stages of feeling like this I as yet have not been diagnoised with any problems but since I was a 13 I have just felt I would not b able to have kids I dont know why the feeling has just always been there but always put it to the bk of my mind till we started ttc and nothing happened, about a month ago one of my close friends had a baby and that was terrible for me I know this sounds so selfish but she fell preg a month into her relashionship that by the way is with a gay man!! (he was married to a woman left her came out he was gay been with men ever since I was friends with him and the girl he now with them seperatly she split from her husband last year when I introduced them he had a boyfriend next thing he straight again she preg n now they engaged!!) when she had baby I went to see her I remember I kept crying on the way up yet trying so hard to pull myself together, she then called me couple of days later 'great news my sisters preg' because I was feeling so low it was like another kick in the guts then next call I got was my X's sister (I'm still friends with her) telling me my X's fiancee just had baby during this time I couldnt even b in the same room as my 6 month old niece if I was I couldnt go near as I knew I was just ready to burst into tears (which I did as soon as I got out the house) What got me out of this was my trying to keep the attitude it will happen, joining this forum, also what helped me was the people that knew about our problems that kept been so insensitive I showed a site that explained to them everything I couldnt, the link is in a thread I posted in trying to Conceive its called Please look the site may bring all your emotions out but at can also help, Please try and remember you are not alone on this journey and I'm sure you will get there please please keep your chin up .
Stacey xxx
Sorry for going on a bit just wanted you to know you are not alone xx

 

[Helen]

Have sent you a PM.

The others are right, in some ways it does get easier once you come to terms a bit with the total unfairness of it all. There will always bad days and good ones and life is a bit of seesaw of emotions, but with a good bloke and a supportive family behind you, you will make it.

xx

 

[Sev]

Dear FJL

I've been depressed. I've had medical treatment, and highly recommend finding a good psychiatrist (as opposed to psychologist). A psychiatrist is the only profession highly qualified enough to prescribe anti-depressants. Don't worry, a psychiatrist doesn't only help mentally ill people, but people going through hard times.

I no longer need medication, but am sooo greatful that I had this kind of support.

Your friends and family don't know what to say, but seem to care, so be careful not to push them away. Maybe explain you need a bit of solitude for a while, in the hopes they don't get offended.

Maybe you could consider finding a church group. I floated from one church to the other waiting and searching for divine intervention, until I finally felt I know which church I belong to.

Good Luck

 

[Helen_26]

It's good to let it all out every now and then.
I too have been ttc since November 2006. I know that I have PCO's, but i am still waiting to see a gyno.
I've become quite short tempered the last couple of months, especially with my dh. Just can't seem to think about anything else.
You're not alone and I wish you and your hubby all the best of luck for the future.

 

[ElliesMum]

I really do know exactly how you feel. Reading your post FJL was like reading about myself. I have always been down whilst ttc but after losing our dd Ellie to stillbirth last year i've gone from bad to worse. My dp is great at being supportive too but he really doesnt understand how we feel like we do. He doesnt know just how bad i am. I try and keep a happy face on whilst he's around and i must say he helps me do that, but when i'm on my own i feel awful. We tried councelling but dp said i should go on my own after he went once, he said i needed it more than he did. I went a few times but, like you, i found it hard to cry any more and the councellor thought i should be sitting there crying and "letting it out" when i just didnt have anymore left in me. Now, i'm at the stage where i find it hard to get up in the morning, having to wash my hair is a real chore, doing the housework is something i put off and put off until late in the day. I have the dinner on the table the same time every day but that is because its how its always been and if it wasnt there then dp would know there was something definately wrong and i feel i cant go through it all again with him and bring him down too. I tried another councellor who said i was "obsessive" cos i like to work to a routine, she wasnt much good so i stopped going to her. I really wanted to try anti depressants but was so worried about using them whilst ttc so i've not had any treatment. Plus dp would know how bad things were if i started taking them.

Sorry to go on so much, i guess i needed to get it all out too!

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel.

 

[FJL]

This is an old thread, but thanks so much guys.

6 months on from this thread and still feeling the same really. It SUCKS. I saw my doctor the other day and she gave me a referal to a psychologist (I burst out in tears in her office for the WHOLE appointment) and the psychologist is booked out until Feb next year.

My sister is having a planned C section at the end of the month. I've pretty much decided i'm not going back to see the baby...I just can't. Luckily I have an amazing sister that is so understanding.

Also several friends are pregnant and I just can't speak to any of them. I think i'm going to lose a lot of people on this journey but i'm not going to force myself to be more upset than necessary, and I don't know why people want me at births etc when they know I don't want to be there...

ElliesMum - i'm so sorry for your loss, but I see you're pregnant again, and I wish you all the luck in the world this time around

 

[Helen]

Aw I've been wondering how you've been getting along. Don't worry about losing people along the way. The ones who really matter will be there for you come what may and will understand just like your sister.

Did you give accupuncture a go? What are your thoughts regarding IVF?

I can't believe you can't get in to see the psychologist until Feb. That's ages away! Can you make a private appointment to get in to see them or someone else before then? I know I've said this to you before, I found talking to a psychiatrist really helpful. The first appointment I cried pretty much all the way through and I was exhausted afterwards but it felt so good to vent all the anger, grief, jealousy and frustration to someone who wouldn't judge me or think I was a nut job. In fact, she was the only person who made me realise that I was completely normal and that I was allowed to feel like that.

H

xx

 

[Wobbles]

This is an old thread, but thanks so much guys.

6 months on from this thread and still feeling the same really. It SUCKS. I saw my doctor the other day and she gave me a referal to a psychologist (I burst out in tears in her office for the WHOLE appointment) and the psychologist is booked out until Feb next year.

My sister is having a planned C section at the end of the month. I've pretty much decided i'm not going back to see the baby...I just can't. Luckily I have an amazing sister that is so understanding.

Also several friends are pregnant and I just can't speak to any of them. I think i'm going to lose a lot of people on this journey but i'm not going to force myself to be more upset than necessary, and I don't know why people want me at births etc when they know I don't want to be there...

ElliesMum - i'm so sorry for your loss, but I see you're pregnant again, and I wish you all the luck in the world this time around

Aww sweetie I'm sorry sorry you still feel so low yet it all is so normal - i couldn't stand seeing strangers nevermind anyone I knew with a bump. Helens right those that are worthy of your friendship and care for you will always be there and understand in the mean time.

I'm sorry to see you have to wait until Feb also - such asses! I fumed for AG when her appointment was like a year away! Discusting! I really hope Feb comes in quick andyou can spend the christmas and new year enjoying the time of year.

Lots of thoughts for you hun

x

 

[FJL]

Thanks so much guys.

Believe it or not, the Feb appointment is private, the public system would see me waiting almost a year.

We're still doing the accupuncture...been at it for 5 months now. We got a test after 3 months and the motility rate had gone from 15% to 30%. We get another one in a month so fingers crossed.

If it hasn't gone up we can either see a fertility specialist or we can try a new form of natural therapy and the guy is very confident he can help us. Its called scenar therapy or something.

Great news though, I mustered up the courage to talk to my sister on the phone and had a really big cry and we talked about everything. I am now going to see her and the baby when she is home from hospital and I now know that she expects me to be a mess and crying and there are no expectations for me to be happy. I'm so lucky to have her.

 

[Helen]

Can't believe how long you have to wait for a private appointment. Scary!

Great news about your sister. I'm know it's going to be so hard going to see her and the baby, but you'll be glad you did. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

 

[Tam]

https://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n86/no1tam/Hugs/h1.gif

I wish you all the best for the future babe!!!! x