First sibling problems

[Wish85]

I swear I must have a metaphorical bald patch from ripping out my hair!

My 3.5yo who I might add is USUALLY extremely placid, mild mannered, sensitive, easy going, loving and an all around well behaved child has turned into a MONSTER and I have a feeling it's to do with the impending arrival of his little brother.

He has started saying things like 'mummy and daddy don't love me any more' and he refuses to sleep in his own bed because 'baby gets to sleep in our room'(in my belly)...he is being defiant, fighting me on everything, speaking back to me, telling me to go away if he gets into trouble for something ARGHHH!

Please reassure me that this too shall pass? I always make sure as soon as we get home from work/daycare I drop everything and literally give him my undivided attention for at least 30mins, plus more throughout the night in between cooking dinner, bath time, getting ready for the next day etc. He gets plenty of attention but unfortunately it seems like he's only after the negative kind lately.

It's really testing my patience and I just needed to get this out because I am not used to him being like this. He is also changing daycare next week to be closer to home for when I'm on maternity leave so that's adding to the whole thing. So many big changes for a such a small boy, I don't blame him but it's hard for me as well between a full time job, being pregnant, 2hr commute daily, running the household, not sleeping the best.....I guess it's not about to get any easier!

 

[Mrs.H2016]

Sounds to me like he needs to be reminded he is special too. Kids see and hear all the excitement about a new baby and feel left out.
I would point out things he can do that baby cannot because little brother is to small. Talk about how nice it will be to do big boy things together and how he can show little brother how to do things. Making being a big brother a big deal so he doesn't feel left out. Remind family and friends to keep him and his feelings in mind during this transition.

 

[Wish85]

Thanks MrsH but to be honest - and this may sound bad - we don't really talk about the baby all that much! We are extremely excited about baby don't get me wrong but we certainly don't talk about it enough to warrant DS feeling like all the fuss is about baby.

It's only when other people mention it maybe but even then, that's not very often. When DS brings up the baby I do actually say things like 'oh he won't be able to walk to the park with us, he'll have to go in the pram because he's not a big boy like you' etc. I feel like I've really tried taking how he must feel into consideration and I'm trying so hard to show him our love for him won't change but it's still not helping

 

[Mrs.H2016]

Hmmm I am not sure then. Reassurance I guess and lots of deep breaths hoping it will pass. I'm sorry I'm not much help (((hugs))))

 

[Wish85]

Even just listening to me vent has helped heaps, thanks Mrs H. I feel like there is no real solution anyway, it's just about dealing with it as best I can. I have heard other people speak of the same issues before subsequent children came along so I'm sure it's completely normal..guess I'm just not used to it.

Thanks very much

 

[crazylilth1ng]

Aww bless him. It's a huge change for him and he is probably (understandably) feeling unsure as to where he stands in all this. I am pretty sure that his behaviour is normal and could potentially get a little worse at first after the baby is born.

I do think he will settle right in eventually after the baby comes along, he will have to and you are doing the right thing making it about him too when he brings the baby up.

 

[Berri]

It will pass! His whole life is about to change. Keep loving him, keep reassuring him and take a lot of deep breaths!

My first was 2 when we had a second. I felt guilty for a while that my first had to struggle with his life upended (for him) and all the emotion he had to go through. But now, see my boys playing and cuddling goodbye at the school gate and calling each other their best friend that guilt fades ...though part of me knows, this phase too will pass!

 

[Wish85]

Thank you ladies I totally agree with everything you're saying.

It's one of the disadvantages of him being 4 when bub comes along - he is aware major changes are coming & he's had us to himself for a long time! Plus he's a super switched on kid. Most ppl think he's 5! There's no pulling the wool over this kids eyes!

 

[MrsButterfly]

I'm experiencing similar with our first. He's been a bit distant with me lately and very clingy with his dad - which is the total opposite of how he's been his whole life till now. I imagine it is a strange time for them - my boy is nearly 5 so can understand a lot but I think is finding it hard to comprehend the baby is actually in my tummy. And unless it's only a few days away, he can't understand how far away it actually is until the baby will arrive. Even though I'm shattered I'm trying hard to keep spending time playing with him etc. Feel guilty tho....

 

[Mrs.H2016]

Wish my son is born October 2013 so they are very close in age. He has a younger brother already that he got when he was two so I guess I will have to see if mine developed attitude as well. I will follow this thread as I might need the advise too. I think he was two young last time to even notice but now they are older so they are more aware of changes happening. Does he know your switching his daycare? Maybe that's what he really is upset about?

 

[Wish85]

I'm experiencing similar with our first. He's been a bit distant with me lately and very clingy with his dad - which is the total opposite of how he's been his whole life till now. I imagine it is a strange time for them - my boy is nearly 5 so can understand a lot but I think is finding it hard to comprehend the baby is actually in my tummy. And unless it's only a few days away, he can't understand how far away it actually is until the baby will arrive. Even though I'm shattered I'm trying hard to keep spending time playing with him etc. Feel guilty tho....

I totally get how you're feeling, except DS is MORE clingy with me than usual. I really tried yesterday to be super upbeat with him and give him more cuddles and positive reinforcement when he did something good as opposed to disciplining when he did something negative. It worked well as he looked super chuffed that I was proud of him for being good. He is a good kid at heart, he really is which is why it's so hard to see him being so defiant! Your DS would have even more comprehension of what is about to happen but he is still young enough to not understand the logistics or how the baby will fit into his life. It must be hard on them.

Wish my son is born October 2013 so they are very close in age. He has a younger brother already that he got when he was two so I guess I will have to see if mine developed attitude as well. I will follow this thread as I might need the advise too. I think he was two young last time to even notice but now they are older so they are more aware of changes happening. Does he know your switching his daycare? Maybe that's what he really is upset about?

I think your DS born in October should be fine because he has forgotten he was ever an only child so it won't be as much of a shock to the system for him and he'll feel he's not alone in the fact that a change is coming because it's also coming for his brother too! If that makes sense? My DS does know about the moving daycare thing and he doesn't want to move but I know it's a good move. It's a much better daycare and is attached to the Private school I want him to go to. Plus his two cousins who he's super close with already go there so I know once he moves and adjusts he'll love it. It's 10 mins from home - currently he drives to work with me because there is a daycare on campus at the hospital I work in but it's a 1hr 10min drive twice a day which is just too much for him. Also, when I'm on maternity leave I'm not driving all that way to drop him off!

 

[UnderPressure]

Poor little guy... and poor mom and dad, too. Uncertainty about change makes us all on edge and it can only be harder on little people. Dreading something is often harder than having it happen and just dealing with it. You're doing the right thing by always reassuring him that he's important and special and a "big boy." You might also tell him that no matter how big he gets, he will always be your baby and another baby will never change your love for him.

Good luck. I'm anticipating that adjusting to a new baby will be very difficult for my son as well, though he'll not quite be 3 when our new baby comes.

 

[Wish85]

Thank you pressure. Yes the anxiety leading up to the event is much harder because you are yet to experience it and you don't know what to expect. We'll all get through it, we have to but I want to make it as easy a transition as I possibly can for him.
I keep telling him no matter what he'll always be my big boy 💙